Author: RedDwarfette

Email: SpikeyVampPunk@yahoo.com.au

Rating: R - Just to be on the safe side.

Summary: Buffy's preggers and whose to blame? A certain Blonde Vampire with a little help from a Cabbage Patch Gnome. Season 6. If this sucks, at least I know there's enough Vampire in it :)

Disclaimer: The characters within this fanfiction are completely the property of Joss Whedon and UPN. I claim the situation they find themselves in & the idea of the Cabbage Patch Gnome J

The Cabbage Patch Kid - RedDwarfette

Chapter 2 – The Explanation

15th/3/2002

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Spike winced at the volume of Buffys scream. He tugged on her small hand still clasped within his own and spoke.

"Buffy, sit down. It's not good for a woman in your condition to be stressed."

Buffy gave him a look that could have fried bacon. "I wouldn't be in this 'condition' if it weren't for you!" She sank down onto the couch. "As far as I can tell I'm nearly two months along and during that time, I have been slaying vampires and other such nasties left, right, and center," she glared at him, "Not laying down for nine months, waiting to deliver William the Bloody junior into the world!"

Spike wisely remained silent during her rant. He kept a wary eye on her fists knowing, from experience, she was liable to punch first and ask questions later.

"Well?" She said when he didn't speak, "Are you going to explain, or do I have kick your ass?"

"It's Ok, Buffy," Spike finally said, "It's not as bad as it sounds when you hear it."

"Spike, nothing could be as bad as this sounds," said Buffy, suddenly she felt queasy.

"What is it?" Spike asked the ill looking slayer.

"I just had a moment when I knew," she continued after a slight pause, "I knew, that once again, you are going to prove me wrong."

Spike smiled at her and pulled her into his embrace. "Don't worry, luv, I'll explain."

"This better be good, Spike," Buffy said against his chest.

"Me, good? Perish the thought. Anyway, it all started after one of our big fights when I went for a drink at the local otherworlde waterhole…"

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2 months ago.

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Spike stared into his whisky wondering what the hell he was going to do. After months of hot lovin' she'd once again told him to pack up and get out of her life. This had been occurring without fail on a weekly basis since they'd started giving it rizz. He sighed and wished he was anywhere but in this joint. The Otherworlde bar, the meeting place of creatures from all dimensions and walks of life, currently catering to five Leprechauns, six Werewolves, two Pillywiggen Faeries, a Cyclops, Spike and a Gnome.

Spike shifted on his stool and tried to remember what he'd been talking to the Gnome on his left about. "Women," he said when he remembered, "They just love jerking us around by our… hearts."

The Gnome nodded at this statement. They had been sitting at the bar for the last hour discussing the young bloke's love life after he'd sat on the stool next to him and the nice chap had brought him a drink.

"I mean, this is how it is with my girl," Spike said on a roll, "I can look, but don't touch. Touch, but don't love. Love, but she doesn't want to know about it." He took another sip of his drink then spoke again, "Sometimes I think I should just leave, there's nothing keeping me here if she can't admit her feelings."

"Back in my day," said the Gnome with a thoughtful look on his face, "You just got a girl pregnant. Then you'd have something, someone, I mean, holding you together. Most of the best relationships I've ever seen have started like that."

"Ha!" Spike laughed, "That would never work with Buffy. Even if it could, I don't have the right 'equipment' so to speak."

"Perhaps not," said the Gnome with a gleam in his eye that, Spike with his head turned from the bar, missed.

They watched a group of Goblins enter the bar and head for a table in the corner. Spike knew he couldn't stand it any longer and stood up.

"Sorry mate, I have to go and beg for a crumb of affection from my non girlfriend," he said to the amused Gnome, "Thanks for listening to me, maybe I'll see you around."

Spike walked out of the bar while the Cabbage Patch Gnome watched. "Maybe you will, sonny, maybe you will."

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Present time.

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"…Then you came over to my place and we discovered that new position you like so…" Spike stopped when he saw Buffys hand clench with the restrained need to hit him.

"So what, Spike? You brought a Gnome a drink. I still don't see how that leaves you and me holding the baby, literally," she told him.

"Buffy, it's quite simply really," said Spike, "Every magical, mythical, otherworldly creature is composed of an element, like a Salamander out of Fire, an Angel out of Ether or," he paused, "A Gnome out of Earth."

"Yeah, so?" Buffy said not comprehending.

"That element is the source of their power and hence they have power over that element," seeing her look of confusion he continued, "If a Gnome has power over Earth and human bodies are composed of Earth that means he can manipulate us and because he's a Cabbage Patch Gnome they specialise in…"

"What?" she asked with a shake of her blonde head, "They specialise in what?"

"Fertilisation." Spike winced waiting for the blow to end his life.

"Are you telling me, that F-ing Gnome manipulated us so you could plough me like a field, spread your seed and wait for the harvest?" she yelled.

"You know, all this farm talk is kinda turning me on," Spike said licking his lips, "And since we're already up the duff, so to speak, perhaps we could…"

Buffy whipped up a hand and slapped Spike hard across the face, sending him sprawling to the floor.

"You're a Vampire, how the hell does that work?" Buffy raged.

"Easily, sweet cheeks," Spike said looking up at her from the floor, "I was human once, and technically my body still is of the Earth element, albeit with some modifications."

Buffy put her hands across her flaming face and tried to calm down. "But how did he do that, Spike? Put a spell on us? Changed your molecular structure?" she said feeling dazed.

"Ah, now pet, perhaps you don't really want to know that one," Spike said still watching her.

"Tell me," Buffy said sitting on his chest and pushing her face close to his, "Tell me," she repeated.

"Well, when we were, you know," Spike looked over her shoulder to a place on the wall, "He sprinkled Gnome dust over us when we hit our peak. I've heard it picks up the chances of conception four hundred percent."

"He what?" Buffy shook Spikes shoulders, "That Gnome was watching us?"

"Probably getting the show of his life, too," said Spike with a grin. He pulled Buffys face down and gave her a good snog till she jerked back.

"Oh no, you're not getting out of this," she said with a determined look on her face. "We're going to find that Gnome, right now."