Author: RedDwarfette
Email: SpikeyVampPunk@yahoo.com.au
Rating: R - Just to be on the safe side.
Summary: Buffy's preggers and whose to blame? A certain Blonde Vampire with a little help from a Cabbage Patch Gnome. Season 6. If this sucks, at least I know there's enough Vampire in it :)
Disclaimer: The characters within this fanfiction are completely the property of Joss Whedon and UPN. I claim the situation they find themselves in & the idea of the Cabbage Patch Gnome J
The Cabbage Patch Kid - RedDwarfette
Chapter 3 – The Problem
17th/3/2002
***********************************************************************************************************************Spike trailed behind a furious Buffy thinking about his lair. Mmm, have to change the décor for when the baby comes, he thought, maybe little bunnies on the walls? Nah, Anya would freak out every time she visited. Perhaps black bats on blood red walls would be a good theme. He was jerked out of his musings when Buffy stopped and he walked into her.
"Ouch," Buffy said and turned to face him, "I want you to take me to that bar, I have some questions I need to ask that Gnome before I beat him to a pulp."
"Well, when you ask like that, mummy," Spike said with a wink, "How can I refuse?"
Sensing he was treading on thin ice, Spike grabbed her hand, leading her into the forest and down a path invisible to mortal eyes. Spike stood her in front of a large Oak tree, he walked into the tree disappearing before her eyes, then with a tug her arm, he pulled her inside. Buffys eyes widened at the menagerie of patrons that occupied The Otherworlde Bar.
"Hey Spike, haven't seen you here in a while," said a hairy barman looking like big foot's lost cousin, "Want the usual?"
"Nah, Jake, got to keep my wits about me right now," Spike said with an apologetic look, "Have you seen Hughbert tonight?"
Before Jake could answer, Buffy pointed into the corner and said, "That's him."
Spike nodded to Jake before walking over with her to the table occupied by the Gnome, "How did you know it was him?"
"Easy," she ground out, "As soon as I saw him, I wanted to smack him up."
By now the Gnome had noticed them and waved a welcome. They reached the table in record time, Buffy wanting to break a few Gnome bones while Spike wanted to avoid having them being throw out of his favourite bar for fighting.
"Hughbert, nice to see you again. Ah, slight problem. It's a funny thing really," Spike said with a restraining hand on Buffys arm, "I seem to have impregnated the Slayer. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"
"Did you? Great job, sonny. I knew you had it in you! Well, now the hard parts done, you'll forgive my pun of course, I'll tell you that I did help a teensy little bit," the Gnome said with a broad grin. "Take a seat, wouldn't want your little lady to be standing on her feet in her condition."
Spike shoved Buffy on the seat before she exploded, "Do you have any idea what you have done to me?"
"Helped you discover the wonders of motherhood?" Hughbert said watching Spike desperately signal at him to shut the hell up.
"Wrong. I may lose my job, as the slayer! Not to mention I am an unwed, career girl with a vampire for a boyfriend and a young impressionable sister to look after," Buffy said, ready to leap across the table and strangle the Gnome. "And the only thing that is going to save your ass right now, and convince me not to plant you in my garden, is if you start answering a few questions I have."
The Gnome sat stunned. This was the first time he had been confronted with such hostility from a couple he had helped. He swallowed nervously then nodded, watching Spike shrug his shoulders, letting him know who wore the pants in this relationship.
"After you so graciously decided to complicate our lives with your 'help', did you really watch us… us…" Buffy trailed off blushing.
Spike sensing articulate Buffy had taken a vacation jumped in, "What I want to know, is how you knew when throw your Gnome dust on us?" he said, "From what I hear you the timing has to be exact, how can you be precise?"
"Well, let's just say with all the groaning, gasping and thumping noises you two were making I took a wild toss in the dark," seeing the anger on Buffy's face he amended, "In truth I closed my eyes and threw a handful of dust in your direction. Who knew I had such a good aim? Or you?" he said with a sly wink to Spike.
Buffys glare silence both of their chuckles.
"I can see this is going to be a long night," she said with a sigh and signaled the bartender, "I think I need a drink."
************************************
After hours of questions Spike sat watching Buffy still rigorously grilling Hughbert worse than the Spanish Inquisitions could ever have done. Spike yawned and sipped his beer remembering what they'd talk about in the last three hours, everything from possible side effects, both physical and metaphysical, Hughberts non-existent love life and Buffys nutritional needs. His ears suddenly perked to attention at the sound of his own name.
"What about Spike not having a soul? What happens then?" said Buffy with an anxious look, "Is our baby going to be born with half a soul?"
The Gnome spewed his beer out and started laughing. "Bahahahaha, yeah, good one," he wiped tears from his eyes, "Now I've heard them all. A Vampire without a soul? You almost had me going for a moment then."
Seeing the looks on Spike and Buffys face he spoke, "Oh, you were serious!" With a wrinkle of his brow he asked, "Didn't anyone ever tell you that all beings have souls?"
"No, they don't," said an informed Buffy, "Vampires do not have souls except for my ex-boyfriend and he was special. We are definitely sure about that."
"Well, if you'll pardon the expression missy, whoever told you that, had his head up his ass," Hughbert with a shake of his head continued, "Some people will tell you anything."
"What do you mean?" asked Spike with a confused frown.
"The truth is, every being has a soul but for each being there is a unique type of soul. From what you've said it seems as if your ex's soul stayed human instead of changing into that of a Vampire when he was turned," Hughbert said amazed that such intelligent people had been fooled by such an outright lie.
"Are you telling me, that I have a soul and while I graduated in soul school, Angel was forced to repeat?" said Spike with an unholy light in his eyes.
"Yeah, kind of," he replied sipping what remained of his beer. They watched as Spike leapt up out of his seat and started jumping around faking and ducking invisible punches like a boxer while crowing.
"I have a soul. I rule! Yes! And the best part is Angel really is 'special', Buffy. Just not in the way you thought!" Spike laughed blue eyes sparkling. He smiled at her, "Didn't I tell you I was better than him, in every way, pet?"
"Argh!" Buffy mentally groaned knowing Spike would never, let her live this one down. "Sit down, Spike, I still have more questions," she said causing both the Vampire and Gnome to grumble and Spike to return to his seat.
*************************************
"So there is definitely no Rumpelstiltskin clause?" Buffy asked Hughbert, "You're quite sure?"
"Why would we want human babies?" asked disgruntled Hughbert, "Grant you they can be cute but there's the cleaning, feeding, entertaining…"
"You're happy enough though to spread that dust around getting humans pregnant, aren't you?" Buffy said temper starting to rise.
"Next question," said a tired Spike laid out over tree chairs. He couldn't believe how many questions Buffy had asked and with no end in sight.
Buffy nodded, "My last question is very important," ignoring Spikes small cheer, with a wince she said, "Do I have to breast feed?"
"What, are you worried junior here might take a bite out of you like his old man," Spike said sitting up and placing his hand over Buffys stomach protectively.
"I'm not taking any chances," Buffy told him with a smile then looked at the Gnome.
"You can if you want, it's a personal choice. Honestly lass, the child will be perfectly normal, just with heightened sense from Spike and sharper reflexes from you. You don't have to worry, it was meant to be."
With that enigmatic statement Hughbert clutched his ear with one hand and told them, "Excuse me, I've got to take this." The Gnome nodded and spoke like he was on an invisible phone.
"Um, Spike, I know I asked a lot of questions but I didn't send Hughbert crazy, did I?" Buffy asked him in a worried tone as she watched the Gnome.
"Nah, he's talking on the Universal wave length. That's how all beings get in contact with the man upstairs," Spike frowned as he saw Hughbert sneak at peek at them with a fearful look on his face, "Must be important though."
"Uhuh, uhuh, yes sir, I'll tell them right away. Thank you for calling so soon. Goodbye." Hughbert finished his phantom call then turned to the blonde couple. After a meaningful pause he said in a small voice, "I think we have a problem."
