Author: RedDwarfette

Email: SpikeyVampPunk@yahoo.com.au

Rating: R - Just to be on the safe side.

Summary: Buffy's preggers and whose to blame? A certain Blonde Vampire with a little help from a Cabbage Patch Gnome. Season 6. If this sucks, at least I know there's enough Vampire in it :)

Disclaimer: The characters within this fanfiction are completely the property of Joss Whedon and UPN. I claim the situation they find themselves in & the idea of the Cabbage Patch Gnome J

Authors Note: Soooo sorry to have kept you guys waiting, unfortunately those bad people at Uni are slave drivers! Anyway, hope you enjoy.

The Cabbage Patch Kid - RedDwarfette

Chapter 5 – The Knock

12th/4/2002

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A passing stranger might have been mistaken in thinking a zoo had set up residence on the quiet suburban street, after hearing hoots and squeals echoing into the night from the open window. An occupant however, intrigued by the odd sounds, walked quickly up the drive and knocked gently on the door.

"Spike," Buffy gasped lifting her head and brushing her blonde hair back, "Did you hear that?"

"What?" he said confused before pulling her back down, "Didn't hear nothing."

Unnoticed, the door slowly swung open.

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Seconds later

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"Oh mi God!" screamed a female voice in amazement.

"Baby, you normally don't say that till we're finished," said Spike with a smirk.

"I didn't say that," Buffy frowned down at him.

They turned heads in unison to stare at the doorway where the sound had originated. It was hard to tell who was more shocked but the person in the doorway won by sheer incredulity at the scene before her. Frozen in place they stared at each other knowing the jig was up.

The very naked truth was bare to the girl. A fifteen year old girl. An innocent fifteen year old girl. An innocent fifteen year old girl would was probably going to need therapy after this.

They fell off the couch, aided by their quick reflexes scrambled for their clothing and were dressed in five seconds. Unfortunately their efforts were in vain. Buffys casual wear didn't normally include mens shirts three sizes bigger than her and a pink bra flung across the lounge room lamp. Spike however managed little better, quickly tugging on his jeans before he stepped on his belt buckle.

"God damn, bleedin' friggin' soddin' hell!" he yelled and hopped before grimacing. Both girls watched him dance around like primeval man discovering fire until he managed to control the pain.

He stood still and stared at Buffys pale expression, before whispering, "Ouch."

Buffy tried to stay calm while on the inside she was shaking like a maraca. Quick, brain think, excuse, excuse, she thought, oh, who the hell am I kidding? What am I going to say 'Spike and I decided we'd see what the benefits of fighting evil naked would work against fighting in clothes?' Buffy gave her silent sister a guilt look before steeling herself and trying to explain.

"Dawn, it's like this, Spike and I… Well, we have been… Ok, maybe I should… Um, we're going… Ok, there's a funny story about this…" Buffy trailed off unable to think of what to tell her sister.

"We're officially together now," Spike blurted out. Buffy frowned then slugged him in the arm. He rubbed the spot before continuing, "Oh and we're going to have a baby."

"You knocked my sister up?" Dawn asked her best friend in a soft voice.

"Well, it wasn't a one way effort if you know what I mean, Bit. Ah yes," Spike said noticing an evil gleam returning to Buffy's eye, "It's all my fault for thinking a Vampire hasn't got any swimmin' little boys and girls left to do the fallopian tube shuffle. It was my Cabbage Patch gnome friend who sprinkled dust over us increasing the chances of pregnancy. Once again, it's was all me. I've always like breaking the rules actually, should tell you about that one time I snacked on a girl guide camp…" Spike said with a smile remembering.

Buffy ignored his ramblings and watched her quiet little sister worried she'd traumatised the girl for life with hanky panky Spikey games. "Dawnie, perhaps we should sit down and talk about this."

Dawns face was perfectly serene marred only when her eyes welled and a tear dripped slowly down her cheek. She lifted a hand and wiped away the tear with a sob staring at it as if unable to believe she'd started crying. Spike started forward worried for his other special girl until Dawn held up a hand to halt him. She sobbed again before looking them in the eye. Perhaps it was all too much for a fragile, sweet, selfless girl like Dawn.

Dawn suddenly screamed again her hands clutching her face, she started gasping, "Pleasure overload, complete pleasure overload." She twirled in circles in the lounge room dark hair flying and feeling delightfully giddy, "This is the best day of my life!"

Dawn stopped and crowed at them, "You know, I'm never going to be grounded again, ever! I could plot to take over the world, turn up at school dressed only in a thong bikini, eat Ice cream everyday for the rest of my life, and marry Giles! And you guy's can't say anything. No more lectures. No more 'advice'. Zip. Nada. Nothing. Yes! Did I die and go to heaven?"

"Dawnie, we do not joke about dying in this house," Buffy said with a stern look.

Buffy and Spike watch stunned as Dawn began a laughing fit that left her on the floor grasping her stomach. After she calmed down she looked up at them with a grin, "What?"

"Dawn, that is not how its going to be," Buffy stood over her with her hands on her hips. "I am the adult, so there. Anyway, remember how your last 'brilliant' unsupervised idea ended up? Riding in cars with Vampires? Staking your date?"

"Hey, you're the one knocked up. By a big bad Vampire no less," Dawn said pointing at Spike, who grinned at his evil title.

"Ok, I think I'll just shut up now," Buffy said feeling ill. Pregnancy, followed by some hot lovin', before, during and afterwards, and fighting with her sister had left her feeling a little dazed.

She tottered over to the couch and sat down shocked while Dawn continued, "All I had was an undead tongue down my throat. It's obvious though," she said sitting up with a pout "You've had an undead…"

"That's it," Spike said wading in before the beginning of world war three broke out, "Whoa, time out people." Spike felt two pairs of Summer eyes glaring at him.

"Spike," Buffy ground out staring at him, "For god sake, put a shirt on."

Dawn smiled at him with wide innocent eyes, "That's Ok, I'm enjoying the view actually."

"Argh," Spike yelped searching frantically to cover himself from the eyes of the little angel who had turned into a Lolita before him. Finding his duster he settled for putting it on and pulling it closed against prying teenage eyes.

"Now listen here, Dawn, your sister is in a delicate condition she doesn't need you blasting her," Spike said with a growl, "And you Buffy, remember that Dawn's had a large shock tonight, personal attacks aren't helping." He stared at the two silent girls before running a hand through his blonde hair, continuing, "This is what we are going to do, first we get cable, two I'm moving in and three, we're going to live in bloody heavenly bliss as a real family."

Dawn stood up and walked over to the couch putting an arm around her sister as she sat down. "A Cabbage Patch gnome? You guy's are joking right?" she asked her sister.

"No, it's true, as crazy as that sounds," Buffy smiled at Dawn. Wait, there's something I'm forgetting, she thought. Pregnant, check. The Otherwolde Bar, check. Hughbert, check. Repossession? "Um, Spike," Buffy said in a quiet voice.

"No, I don't want to hear it," Spike paced as he spoke, "Dawn will go to school, you will slay and I'll teach the baby all about the necessities." He started counted them off on his fingers, "Dead Kennedy's, fashion sense, 'Passion's, mini marsh mellows, owning a classic car like the De Soto…"

"Spike, get real, it's a hunk of junk," Dawn said with a laugh. Spike gave her his best 'I'm-a-big-bad-and-I-say-its-a-classic' look.

"Spike," Buffy whispered unable to catch his attention, she checked the clock on the wall again before whimpering.

"Dawson's Creek, mmm, maybe not, wouldn't want the kid to be immoral, well, defense goes without saying, oh, better keep the kid away from my kitten poker buddies…" Spike planned and plotted his offspring's future oblivious to Buffy's pained expression.

"Spike," Buffy said with a sob, "Look at the clock."

Jolted out of his musings, his head whipped up to look at his girl and comprehend what she had said. Oh shite, he thought. Spike spun around to stare at the clock on the wall, for the first time in an hour remembering that their ordeal wasn't over yet, at least not for another twenty minutes.