Author: RedDwarfette
Email: SpikeyVampPunk@yahoo.com.au
Rating: R - Just to be on the safe side.
Summary: Buffy's preggers and whose to blame? A certain Blonde Vampire with a little help from a Cabbage Patch Gnome. Season 6. If this sucks, at least I know there's enough Vampire in it :)
Disclaimer: The characters within this fanfiction are completely the property of Joss Whedon and UPN. I claim the situation they find themselves in & the idea of the Cabbage Patch Gnome J
Authors Note: No, it doesn't end here. Keep the faith people, I will write faster!
The Cabbage Patch Kid - RedDwarfette
Chapter 6 – Vampires & Gnomes, big difference.
26th/4/2002
*******************************************************************************************************************"So let me get this straight," Dawn said staring at her pale sister and her even paler boyfriend, "You guys have been going at it like horny monkeys…"
"Dawn," Buffy glared at her little sister.
"Ok, ok," Dawn amended, "After years of repressed sexual tension you finally caved and started makin' with the love…"
"Dawn, I said…" Buffy began before Spike cut her off.
"Look, none of this sibling squabblin crap, get on with it already," he fidgeted with the edge of his duster while watching the clock.
"So, anyway you're together," Dawn continued, "Spike buys a guy a drink, suddenly Buffy's knocked up by a Gnome and he's going to repossess the baby in the next ten minutes?"
"Hey, I was knocked up by a Vampire, not a Gnome," Buffy yelled, "There's a big difference."
"Yeah, one is a blood sucking Nosferatu, while the other is best buddy old pals with Snow white," Dawn laughed while Buffy fumed.
"You know, if we sold this story to Jerry Springer we could make a bundle," Dawn told her sister.
"Really?" Spike said jolted out of his stupor, "You think he'd buy it?"
"Sure," Dawn rubbed her hands together and imagining the dough they could be making, "It's got all the classics, unwed teenage mother, neglected shoplifting sister, no good bad boy father, a questionable conception and viola, we hit the jackpot! I mean," Dawn said frowning, "All the Slayer, Vampire and Hellmouthy stuffs just a bonus, right?"
"Yeah, and we could meet Steve," Spike said with a thoughtful expression.
"Uhuh," Buffy nodded in agreement before shaking her head, "Hey, we are so not doing that!" She watched her sister and boyfriend flop back on the couch in defeat.
A few moments before Buffy had been a nervous wreck now there was a returning look of determination in her eyes. "They are not taking my baby. If they want to try I'll just kick their skanky higher powers ass! And god's too, if I have too," she said looking up and shaking her fist at the ceiling.
"Uh, Buffy, you do realise that isn't the big cheese, don't you?" Spike asked her.
"Well thanks for pointing that out, sweetie," each word dripping with sarcasm Buffy turned to face Spike, "Until you told me that, I thought the almighty creator was an architectural structure holding up my house. Nice to know it's just an ordinary ceiling and not a heavenly deity there."
Spike kept his mouth shut for once knowing now wasn't the time to piss off the slayer. He was annoying but he wasn't stupid. He watched Buffy stride around the room ranting while the clock clicked down to midnight. It was weird, he thought, by all rights I should have been dead at least a hundred years ago but look at me, about to have a child with my nemesis. Yes, life, scratch that, unlife sure is sweet.
Buffy stopped and gasped as smoke poured out of a corner of the room. It seemed as if disaster was prompt as the clock struck midnight. A loud ominous voice boomed from the smoke. "Buffy Summers, you have been chosen and given a great gift. Are you worthy of it?" the body less voice asked.
"Yes I am," Buffy said standing strong while Spike and Dawn took positions by her side.
"Well, good then, oh and do try to be nicer to Hughbert will you?" said the voice sounding oddly familiar. "He's a nice bloke and he was only trying to help you…" the voice continued extolling Hughberts virtues while Buffy frowned and moved closer.
"All he wants to do it help people and have a pint once in a while, is that too much for a Gnome to ask for? All the…" the voice was cut off when Buffy reached into the still smoking corner and pulled out the Gnome in question.
"Ah, hello," Hughbert gave Dawn a timid smile and a wave before Buffy dropped him.
"Hughbert, what the hell are you doing here?" Spike asked him with a growl.
"Well, I've come to tell you the good news," Hughbert stood up and brush at his clothes. He looked up at his favourite couple, "The position has been filled," he told them with a cheeky grin.
"Yes," Spike yelled before grabbing Buffy and spinning her around to Dawns delight. "We can start thinking of names now. I've always been partial to Johnny," Spike told Buffy.
"Oh no you don't," Buffy said laughing at him, "You are not naming our child after Johnny Rotten! And it might be a girl anyway!"
"Maybe you could call it Randy," Dawn said giving them each a hug. "It can be a boys or a girls name and at least the last name wont be Giles this time," she said with a grin.
Spike held Buffy in his arms a moment before speaking, "Either way, I'm the happiest non human souled Vampire that ever lived."
Buffy sighed knowing she was never going to live that one down. She looked up at Spikes face knowing a lifetime of teasing would be worth it.
"You, me, bit and a kid," he continued with a smile then proceeded to kiss a giddy but relieved Buffy.
"Kids," Hughbert told the amorous pair.
"Huh?" Buffy said distracted by Spikes lips.
"I said, kids," Hughbert repeated tapping them on the legs without success.
Dawn eyes widened in realisation. "You've got to be kidding," Dawn frowned. At Hughberts uneasy look, she asked in awe, "Are you saying there may be more than…?"
"Well, I was a bit tiddly as we have established on the night in question," he grimaced, "I may have used just a tad bit more than the sprinkle I was supposed to."
"How much more?" Buffy said finally breaking away from Spike and looking at Hughbert.
"A handful," Hughbert blurted out.
"And that means?" Spike questioned the Gnome with a raised eyebrow.
Hughbert knew he couldn't put it off a moment longer. "Maybe one, possibly two, likely three but probably four," he gave them a petrified look and prepared himself to run.
Buffy and Spike looked at each other in shock. They were speechless, they were without speech. Thankfully, Dawn didn't have that problem.
"Do you guys know what this means?" she asked her sister and best friend. They were remained silent while an evil grin spread over Dawns face. "Xander," she said nodding.
Buffy and Spike looked from Dawn to each other before whispering the word together, "Xander."
"He's going to totally flip! They're at the shop! We have to tell them all now!" Dawn screamed at them before rushing out of the room to get the device that would preserve Xander and the rest of the Scooby gangs priceless expressions for years to come.
Spike winked at Buffy while she gave him a coy look. Suddenly they shoved each other out of the way and made a run for the door wanting to be the one to break the news. Bursting free of the door Buffy and Spike ran onto the darkened street and off in the direction of the official Scooby headquarters.
"Wait, wait for meeeee…." Dawn screamed out to them bolting out the door and running down the street with a camera clutched in one hand.
Hughbert stood in the lounge room where the odd but happy trio had left him. He went to the corner and picked up his hat with a smile. Yes, he thought, another satisfied customer, closing the front door behind him and whistling as he walked out into the night.
- ******************
- TBC
