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6 - Never Really Mattered

After visiting with Audrey, Joey returned to her dormroom and attempted to do some schoolwork. As stubborn as she was, even Joey had to admit that what Audrey had said was right.


"You might not have slept with Dawson or anything but Pacey feels as though he's been cheated on. Put yourself in his shoes. The girl he's madly in love with spent a whole summer hanging out with this guy who was supposedly her soul mate and you never told him about you and Pacey . . . You've gotten over everything that happened, but it effected you way less . . . Pacey's the one that feels betrayed. He's not going to heal as fast as you do."



She signed off the computer much later that evening and tried to fall asleep. The next few days were sort of tense, as soon as she got home after classes or studying in the library she headed straigt for the phone to check her voicemail and then to her computer to see if there was any e-mail. But there was still nothing from Pacey. Joey kept reminding herself that he had promised to call. He would call, she decided, when he's ready.


"If you love Pacey then you're going to have to wait until he's ready to forgive you."



*

And eventually he did. Leaving a message one Tuesday night, two weeks after they had gotten back from Mitch's funeral.

"Joey, it's me. Um. Call me when you get this. Or maybe I'll stop by or something. Um, okay. Bye."

Listening to the message Joey felt the familiar stab in her heart as it played on her voice mail. She hit a button to replay it and listened to it another three times before finally saving it. She debated whether or not to call him back. It was eleven thirty, she had been at an evening study group when he called. Pacey knew her schedule, he called when he knew she wouldn't have been around.

Before they had broken up, Joey would go straight from study group to Pacey's room. They would watch Jay Leno or David Letterman, depending on who got control of the remote. But it never really mattered since by the time the first guest hit the stage Joey and Pacey were tangled in the sheets.

This time Joey decided it was too late to call him and turned on the small television set. She settled in to her bed and listened half-heartedly to the top ten list. She was just beginning to knod off when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Jo?"

"Hi Pacey."

"Were you sleeping?"

"Not yet," she answered quietly.

"Are you watching Letterman or Leno?"

She smiled. "Letterman."

They made small talk for a few minutes about the show and who the guests were that night.

"You sound tired. I'll let you go," Pacey said after there had been dead air for a few seconds.

"Okay." Joey swallowed hard, "Pacey? Will you call me tomorrow?"

"Of course."

*

For the next few days Pacey called right around the time the late night talk shows came on and they would watch them and talk over the phone. It didn't matter if Joey had work to do or chapters to read, when the phone rang, she was ready for it. They talked about everything but themselves and what was going on between them. Joey no longer felt anxious about Pacey. She was just glad to be talking to him again.

It was a Monday night when Pacey finally got up the courage to ask her. "Jo, do you miss me?"

"Of course I do Pacey."

He was silent for a while. "I was afraid you were giving up on me."

"I'd never do that," she admitted. "I just realized what was going on. Well actually Audrey made me see it."

"Audrey?"

"I know it sounds silly but what she said made sense."

Pacey smiled to himself, "What was it that she told you?"

"She just explained to me that it didn't matter what I had or hadn't done, but how you felt about it was the issue. I wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself and then when I finally just accepted what had happened it left me irritated with you." Joey paused. "It doesn't matter how I feel."

"Yes it does."

"Well I guess. But not as much. Pacey I know I hurt you and I'm so sorry for it. I've dealt with all of that. Now all I need is for you to forgive me." He didn't say anything for a while so she went on. "I know it sounds wrong. I can't ask for your forgiveness, it doesn't mean anything unless your actually ready to forgive me."

He coughed, a habit that Joey knew well. When he was nervous or stalling for time he would clear his throat. "You got all that from Audrey?"

"Well she planted the seed in my head. I've had a lot of time to think about it."

"I see." There was another long silence. "Joey. Do you think you could come over tomorrow, when you're done at the library?"