Part 12

Unbearable

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Well, I can't forget this evening

And your face when you were leaving

But I guess that's just the way the story goes

You always smile, but in your eyes your sorrow shows

Yes, it shows

Well, I can't forget tomorrow

When I think of all my sorrow

I had you there, but then I let you go.... ********************************************************

Don't look at her.

He kept saying it in his head, over and over again. Don't look at her.

She was right outside, sitting in her car. Every once in a while he could feel her glance at him for a split second. But he just sat there, smoking his cigarette and drinking his soda, staring at his hands, at the clock, anywhere except at her.

"You're smoking again?" She'd asked with horror when he'd walked to the vending machine and bought himself a pack. He hadn't said anything. He'd just told her to go.

It would have been easier if she'd just left. But of course, that would have been just too perfect. No, her car had to break down. Now she was stuck there for a half an hour, waiting for her mother to pick her up.

He'd seen her walk out there to her car, and only looking out of the corner of his eye, he couldn't understand why she stayed there for ten minutes. At first he'd thought she was crying, but when he stole a quick glance, he realized that wasn't the only reason. There were tears in her eyes, but he could see that the car wouldn't start.

"Just let me drive you home," he'd said.

"No," she'd said sharply. She wouldn't even look him in the eye.

"Come on-"

"I said no," she repeated, her voice shaking with tears.

He sighed. "I'm not just gonna leave you here."

"Why shouldn't you?" she asked. "I mean, don't you hate me now?"

"Look," he said, his voice harsh. "You can try to be as catty to me as much as you want to be; you can tell me you don't want to see me anymore, that it's over, that I don't mean enough to you to jeopardize your future- whatever. But you can't make me hate you, so just give it a rest already. I may be a little pissed off that you just broke up with me because of your mother, but I'm not an ass hole."

"It's not because of my mother," she said, trying to sound resolved, but she couldn't fool him. He could tell she didn't even believe the words coming out of her own mouth. "I told you, I don't want to risk ruining my life just to be with you-"

"Oh please, Rory, you said it word for word just like your mother would have. You even used the "you're not good for me," phrase. That's 100 percent Lorelai, and you know it." He paused. She still wouldn't look at him. "Whatever, it doesn't matter. You say it's over, I'll deal. Just don't expect me to start treating you like dirt so you can feel justified in treating me the same way." He started walking back to the café. "I'm not leaving till Lorelai comes to get you."

And now there he was. Sitting. Waiting. Trying his hardest not to look at her. It proved to be easier said than done.

*****************************************************

Could it be any more awkward?

There she was, sitting in her car, completely within his view. She had nothing to do except stare at her hands, and try not to let him see her crying, because then he would know she didn't really want to lose him. He would know she still loved him. And if he knew, she wouldn't be able to deny it anymore.

He was smoking. He'd quit, since he'd been with her, but she'd driven him back to it. She kept glancing at him, but every momentary glance was like a stab in her heart. He looked... well, he looked the same way he had when he'd first arrived in Stars Hollow. He looked like he wasn't feeling anything. He looked cold, unaffected, completely hollow. She couldn't read him at all. She felt like a monster because it was all her fault.

Just when she thought she couldn't take it anymore, she saw her mother drive Sookie's car up and park. They both got out of their cars and met in the middle with a hug.

"Oh honey," Lorelai said sympathetically, rubbing her back, "I wish the 'let mommy kiss it and make it better' line still worked in these situations."

Rory smiled a little. "Might not make it all better, but it couldn't hurt."

Lorelai kissed her forehead, but pulled away, having a revelation. "Where is he?"

"Inside somewhere," Rory said. "He said he wouldn't leave till I got a ride."

Lorelai nodded, thoughts forming in her head. Rory could read them like an open book.

"Mom, NO," she insisted.

"No what?" Lorelai tried to play innocent. "I didn't say anything!"

"Don't go in there after him," Rory said. "Please. Just-not NOW."

Lorelai sighed. She knew she had to respect Rory's wishes. "Ok. I'll postpone the execution. No big deal." She put her arm around Rory's shoulders and started leading her to the car. "Let's go home."

Once they got onto the highway, there was no avoiding the tense silence. Rory stared out the window, replaying the events of the night over and over again in her mind. Lorelai didn't know what to say; what could she say to make it better?

"So..." Rory began, out of the blue. "Sookie didn't mind?"

"That Jess broke up with you?" Lorelai asked, confused. "No, I wouldn't say that exactly. I believe the exact phrase she used was 'I'm gonna roast that kid like a turkey.'"

Rory smirked a little. "I meant about borrowing her car."

Lorelai nodded, catching on. "Oh. No she didn't mind." She eyed Rory, to see if she could read in her eyes whether she wanted to talk or not. "Are you gonna be ok, kid?" she asked.

"Oh yeah, I'll be fine," she replied, obviously lying. "I mean hey, it had to happen sooner or later, right?"

"Not this way, it didn't," Lorelai said, shaking her head. "Honey, it's ok if you don't want to handle this maturely. No matter how you look at it, it pretty much sucks. So you're completely entitled to be whiny and sobby and irrational; even unhygienic. Well, for a while at least. Cuz it just... it REALLY sucks."

"You can say that again," Rory said softly.

"I wish I knew what to say to make this better," Lorelai said. "I mean, what can I do?"

"Mom..." Rory said, trying to figure out how to tell her what she didn't want to hear; that there was nothing anyone could do.

"Does it help that I hate him?" Lorelai asked. "Cuz I could really bring the hatred up a few notches-"

"Mom, don't hate him. It's not his fault."

Lorelai's mouth dropped in disbelief. "Wow."

"What?"

"You're kidding me, right?" Lorelai said.

"What do you mean?"

"Rory, of course it's his fault!" she cried. "It's completely his fault. Everything is his fault. It was his fault your arm broke, it was his fault you and Dean broke up-"

"No, that was MY fault," Rory said.

"Look!" Lorelai cried. "He's even brainwashed you into truly believing that he's innocent and you're the guilty one!"

"Mom, please stop," Rory pleaded. "I just-I really don't wanna talk about this right now! All I wanna do is go home, and watch a stupid sad movie, and eat ice cream, and lie on the couch, and unplug the phone and just... try not to think about it."

Lorelai was pained by the fact that she couldn't do anything. "Well we'll get pay per view," she offered. "Any movie you want. And I'll run out and get ice cream and massive amounts of chocolate for you, ok?"

Rory nodded. "Ok. Thanks."

"Anytime."

The rest of the ride, they barely said another word. When they got home, Rory changed into her pajamas and got settled on the couch, channel surfing. Lorelai set out for Doose's market immediately. As she was scanning the freezer for some cookie dough ice cream, a voice sounded behind her.

"Late night craving?"

She turned to see a smiling Dean with a mop in hand. She smiled at him. "Hey Dean. Isn't it late for you to be working?"

"I'm doing some extra work this week; I'm saving up to buy my mom a DVD player for her birthday."

Lorelai's heart melted. How could Jess live with himself, having stolen Rory from a great guy like Dean? "That's really sweet of you."

"It's no big deal," he said, trying to play it off humbly. "So is there an ice cream emergency?"

"Oh," Lorelai looked at her cart with 4 cartons of Ben and Jerry's in it. "Yeah, Rory's having a pretty sucky night, so you know. Ben and Jerry to the rescue!"

"Is she ok?" he asked.

Lorelai smiled a little. "She will be."

"Well tell her I say hey," he offered.

"I sure will Dean. Bye." She headed to the cash register, but as she stood there, waiting for the boy at the register to give her the price, her eyes fell upon the light on at the diner. The diner was closed, but Luke was still down there, wiping down the table. Watching him, she felt her cheeks flush with anger. She paid for the ice cream quickly, and strode across the street to Luke's, furious. She knocked on the door and he opened it, obviously confused as to why he hadn't seen her in days, and why she had called him earlier to say she was going to kill 'him', whoever 'him' was.

"Lorelai, what's going on? You look like you just came back from a dinner with your parents or something."

"Luke, I'm warning you," she yelled. "Don't ever let him come near her again or I swear to God, I won't be able to control myself, and you just might find yourself trying to find a mortician who can disguise a severed head. You know, cuz I'm sure no one would wanna look in the casket at the funeral if his head was just rolling around in there--."

"Ah, the mysterious 'him' again, huh?"

"Don't say 'huh'," she said. "That's his trademark, the 'huh', and I really don't want to be reminded of him right now."

"What?" Luke asked, catching on. "Are you talking about Jess?"

"Yes, Einstein, way to catch on!"

"Wait, hold on!" he said, completely lost. "What happened? What did Jess do?"

"Well, Luke, Jess has done a lot in his life. Which deed in particular should I start off with? Oh I know, how about the way that he slept with my daughter?"

"WHAT?"

"Oh yeah," Lorelai said, chuckling. "Twice. Oh and I can't leave out the fact that he almost got her pregnant!" Luke shook his head in disbelief. "Yep, that's right," Lorelai continued. "Oh yeah, and here's the best one- now you might wanna sit down cuz this one's a whopper!"

"Lorelai, what are you--?"

"He just broke up with her, Luke." She let the words sink in, and watched his eyes go blank, before turning and heading for the door. But he wasn't about to let her go.

"Hold it! You can't just drop a bombshell like that on me and then just leave-"

"Is he here?" Lorelai asked, turning back. Luke had never seen her look so completely out of her mind with anger until that night.

"No, he's not home yet, but just-I don't understand, how could this all have happened? And why didn't I know about any of this?"

"Because you're YOU, Luke," Lorelai said, shaking her head at him. "You're just blissfully ignorant to everything that kid's really up to. I mean, I can't BELIEVE that I just stood by and watched the way you handled him, because I knew full well that it wasn't enough. I should've said something. I should've told you to watch him more, I should've told you that I knew he had problems-SERIOUS problems-"

"Why did he break up with Rory?" Luke asked. "Just two days ago he was jumping to get the phone just because he thought it was her-" Luke stopped short. "Oh no..."

"What?"

"Lorelai-there's been a huge misunderstanding. Jess-well, something happened the other day that really got to him. I dunno, maybe he and Rory fought about it, but whatever it was, you gotta believe me; he never meant to hurt her, he just-"

"I don't give a damn what happened to him the other day!!!" Lorelai yelled. "I don't care if he found out he had a terminal disease and he only had two weeks left to live!!! All I know is I've got a heartbroken kid at home who is in so much pain, she can't even articulate it; all she can do is sit there and stare at her hands and try not to cry-and it's all Jess' fault!!! My daughter now officially knows what it's like to be used and disposed of, and it's all because of YOUR nephew." She glared at Luke. "I'm going home."

Luke knew he couldn't say anything to keep her from leaving; he couldn't say anything to make it better. All he could do was watch her walk away, never once turning back. He stayed there, in the diner, long after she was out of sight, just trying to let it all sink in. By the time Jess' car pulled up in front of the diner, he had taken it all in... and he wasn't happy.

Jess walked in, his eyes fixed on the ground. But Luke didn't even look up as he walked in. Jess was happy to be ignored; he just headed for the stairs to go to his room. But as he reached the counter, Luke spoke.

"Jess!"

He turned back, reluctantly. "Yeah?"

"Come here a sec." Luke stood up, still not facing him. Jess sighed and walked over, taking his time.

"What's the deal Lu-"

Luke turned and punched him square in the jaw.

"No need to explain yourself," Luke said. "I'm all caught up. Lorelai was kind enough to stop by a few minutes ago and tell me everything." He tossed his rag at Jess, but Jess didn't catch it. "You finish cleaning up. I'm going to bed. And make sure you ice that jaw before you go to bed." He turned without another word and headed up the stairs.

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He'd seemed really happy to see her.

That was all she kept seeing in her mind; the way he smiled when she'd walked through the door into the café. That, and the way he'd leaned in to kiss her... and then the look on his face when she'd pushed him away.

He knew right at that moment that she pushed him away what she was going to do. She could tell by the way he shook his head and looked at the ground that he knew.

She didn't know what she was going to do. How was she going to tell Lane? How would she deal with her mother's endless questions? How would she handle being at Luke's and seeing him? Letting him serve her coffee?

Graduation was in only a few days. How was she supposed to move on in a few days and be happy at her graduation?

How was she supposed to even go into her room? It seemed like only a few days ago that she'd put up that framed photo of the two of them... but it wasn't the only evidence of their relationship in the room; not by a long shot. There were the books... she'd lent him so many of them, and he'd written in them with his completely recognizable handwriting. And there was that stupid little teddy bear she'd won at that winter carnival they went to together. There were the CDs he'd lent her, and the sex pistols tee shirt she had taken to sleeping in, and the complete works of Shakespeare she'd intended to give him as a gift after he graduated. She was so grateful she'd given him back the necklace he'd given her... it would have been too hard to have it, even if it were just lying around in her jewelry box.

Lorelai had fallen asleep a half an hour ago next to her on the couch. They'd watched Moulin Rouge, and Lorelai had tried her best to distract Rory from her pain by repeatedly pointing out the hilariousness of Toulouse Latrec and the Narcoleptic Argentinean... it hadn't really worked, though. Eventually, after far too much sugar, Lorelai crashed and fell fast asleep. Rory put a blanket over her and left her to sleep on the couch, but she couldn't deal with going into her room. She was immensely grateful for the warm weather that allowed her to sit on the back porch comfortably. It was nice out; there was a cool breeze, but she didn't mind it. It was dark enough that she could see lots of stars... just like that night after the Chilton prom...

"Just don't expect me to start treating you like dirt so you can feel justified in treating me the same way," he'd said. And she believed him. It would have been so much easier if he'd been furious; if he'd been a jerk about it, and if she could count on the fact that she'd see him around town within a few days with his arm draped over the shoulders of some Shane look- alike... but she couldn't. She knew he loved her... and it only made it that much harder not to love him back.

*****************************************************

I'm wasting my time, wasting my time

I've been wasting my time

My soul's a worn out road

Where you've left a trail of reminders

The sky forgets, turns black with pain

But the rain remembers your face

And the streets know your name

I'm wasting my time, wasting my time

I've been wasting my time

She read his palm his heart and his head

Were on the same life line

I held one hand behind my back

But the rain remembers your face

And the streets know your name

I'm wasting my time, wasting my time

I've been wasting my time

When I took him like a vow in the dark

The future fell off me

This pain is all I recognize

But the rain remembers your face

And the streets know your name

I'm wasting my time, wasting my time

I've been wasting my time...

***********************************************

It was Tuesday morning. Rory was graduating tomorrow. She was about to begin the next chapter of her life; ascend from one level of being to a higher one. She was right on track, and she was on her way to achieving her life long goals.

And all she could think about was Jess.

Monday, Lane had convinced her that if she went into the diner early enough and ate really quickly, she could leave before Jess even got out of bed. She'd caved and gone, but not because she really believed she wouldn't see him. Deep down, a little part of her wanted to see him-too see how he was doing. She kept imagining this little scene in her head; she would see him across the room, and immediately recognize his sorrow in his eyes. But without a word she would catch his eye, and send him a single reassuring smile that would say "you know I still love you". And he'd smile back, and forgive her for everything, and understand how things had to be.

Yeah right.

Firstly, he didn't even show that Monday morning. She and Lane had gone a little TOO early for him to even be stirring in bed; plus, Rory had been so nervous, she'd been completely unable to eat, and therefore she had no legitimate reason to stay. So, they'd left and waited at the bus stop.

So that Tuesday morning, Rory had no real hopes of seeing him and having that picture perfect moment of understanding. She had come to realize that those things just don't happen in real life. Now, she only went into Luke's because she was already sick of having her mother try to cook her breakfast, and she REALLY needed some coffee after one too many sleepless nights.

"What would you like your highness?" Lane asked. They'd agreed that Lane would do all the interacting with Luke at the Diner. Lorelai had told Rory that he knew everything, and it made both Rory and Luke more than a little uncomfortable. It was bad enough that he would probably try to treat her like a delicate flower because he knew she was hurting, but on top of that, he felt personally responsible for her sorrow. It was all just too much.

"I can't really decide," Rory answered. "I'm in a pretty Danish-y mood, but a muffin also sounds good."

"Ok, so you want both," Lane said. "You don't have to pretend to want just one." She smiled before turning and heading to the counter.

Rory was glad that Lane at least was treating her like a normal person instead of someone who's best friend had just been killed or something. The conversation during which Rory had informed her of the recent events had been... well, pretty chaotic. Lane was extremely confused, having no reason to see any instability in Rory and Jess' relationship. But after a few minutes, she'd accepted it, and tried her hardest to be supportive. She'd even gone in and put all the stuff in Rory's room that reminded her of him in a box for her, so that Rory wouldn't have to go through the emotional turmoil of reminiscing.

"Voila," Lane said, placing her load on the table. "One Danish, one blueberry muffin, a mug of coffee, AND a coffee to go-for the bus ride, of course."

"God Bless you," Rory said gratefully, gulping down some coffee. "I'm gonna need this. It's gonna be one hell of a long day."

Lane sat at the table with her. "So what time does the graduation ceremony start again?"

"Two o'clock," Rory replied through a mouthful of muffin. "And once again, I would like to tell you how eternally grateful I am to you for coming to my graduation."

"Hey, that's what best friends are for, right?" Lane smiled. "Well, that and at-home pedicures."

"Don't forget hair coloring," Rory offered. "We've had our share of fun filled experiences with hair coloring. But that reminds me, have you figured out a way to explain to your mother why the bathroom smells like bleach yet?"

Lane didn't answer. Her eyes were focused on the table.

"Lane?" Rory asked. "Hello? Earth to Lane? What's going on?"

"Rory, don't look behind you."

"What? Why?" She remembered the only possible reason why, but a few moments too late. She'd already turned and caught a glimpse of him walking into the room.

She looked at Lane in horror. "Oh my god."

"I tried to warn you," Lane said. "I shouldn't have said not to look, because everybody knows that whenever you tell someone that, the first thing they'll do is look-"

"What's with the bruise on his jaw?" Rory asked, concerned.

"Hmm. I don't know." Lane stole a quick glance. "Ouch! That looks painful."

"I didn't look long enough to be sure, but it looked purple to me," Rory whispered. "Was it purple?"

"I'd call it a dark burgundy shade," Lane said. "Maybe with a hint of blue."

"Ok, too graphic."

"Got it. Sorry."

Rory sighed, worried. "I wonder how he got it."

"Well there are a lot of potential suspects around here," Lane said. "I mean, I bet I could find a motive for almost anybody in town. Could be your mother-"

"Please. Like she'd risk ruining her manicure for something like that? No, if she were gonna do damage, she'd make it something permanent."

"Like disfiguration?"

"Well I was thinking more along the lines of vandalism, but yeah, I guess disfiguration works." Rory sighed. "Who do YOU think did it?"

Lane looked again at Jess as he went about cleaning off the counter. "I'd say smart money's on Dean."

"Dean!?" Rory asked. "Why would Dean do something like that?"

"Rory, why WOULDN'T Dean do something like that?" Lane replied. "He's Dean. He's always been crazy about you, he always will be, even if it's not in a boyfriend sort of a way. Plus, he already isn't Jess' biggest fan-"

"Wait, does Dean know what happened?"

"I don't know if he knows the sorted details," Lane answered. "The where, the when, and most importantly, the why. But yeah, he's aware. He was giving Jess glares all day yesterday."

Rory sighed. "I hope he's ok."

"Who? Dean?"

"No, not Dean," Rory answered. "I mean-generally, I don't wish him any harm, but unless Jess jaw just happens to be made of steel and it broke Dean's hand when he hit it, I'm pretty sure Dean's gonna be ok. I meant Jess." Rory took a long sip of coffee.

"You want me to talk to him for you, don't you?" Lane read her thoughts exactly.

"Have I mentioned that I love you?" Rory said, meekly.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Lane said. "Whatever. You gotta get going though. Your bus is pulling up."

"Oh!" Rory jumped up, grabbing the coffee, and the half of the Danish she hadn't yet eaten. "Oh hey, Lane? Could you not make it obvious that you're talking to him on my behalf?"

Lane nodded. "I'm already thinking of excuses to 'accidentally' run into him at his locker. I'm way ahead of you. Go to the bus."

Rory rushed out the door and to her bus. Lane watched the bus drive away, and turned away from the window just in time to see Jess watching the bus go. After a moment of contemplation, she walked up to him at the counter.

"Hey Jess," she said tentatively.

He looked up confused, obviously thinking that Lane would be the last person in town to want to strike up friendly conversation with him. "Are you talking to me?"

"Do you see anyone else around named Jess?"

He sighed. "You want coffee or something?"

"Yeah, sure."

He poured her a cup.

"So..." Lane tried to sound casual. "That's a pretty nasty bruise you got there."

He nodded. "Wish I could say it looks worse than it feels, but then I'd just be blatantly lying."

"So, uh... how'd you get it?"

Jess sighed and lowered his voice. "Rory sent you over here to ask that, didn't she?"

Lane tried her hardest not to be completely transparent. "No, she didn't. I was just-curious, that's all-"

"Give it up," he said, with a slight chuckle. "You seem to be forgetting that I know her pretty damn well."

"Right," Lane said. "That's true, isn't it?"

He nodded, busying himself by refilling the salt shakers nearby.

"So how did you get it?" Lane asked again.

Jess sighed. "Luke."

"Luke?" Lane asked, incredulous. "Luke PUNCHED you?"

"Sure did," Jess answered. "What can I say? The guy needs anger management, or therapy or something-"

"She was really worried, you know," Lane blurted out.

Jess scratched his head, trying to hide his facial expression. "Yeah, I figured. That's like her."

"Look," Lane began, "I know you're probably not happy with this current situation-especially not with that shiner on your jaw and all-but... tomorrow's her graduation. For Rory, a graduation is like one of the three best moments of her life. Ideally, she should be able to enjoy the day completely, with no distractions-"

"But she's distracted because she thinks I hate her, right?" Jess said. "I figured as much."

"You don't have to do anything if you don't want," Lane said. "But just know that if you were to let her know somehow that you don't hate her so that she could stop wasting all her time and energy worrying... well I would just be very grateful."

"Duly noted," Jess replied. "Which doesn't mean I necessarily will."

Lane nodded. "I understand. Just think about it." She took one last sip of coffee. "She really misses you," she said. Jess kept his eyes fixed on the salt shakers. "And if you wanted her to know that you felt the same way-I mean, that you missed her too, but if you didn't want to say it yourself... I could let her know. Subtly, of course. But I wouldn't mind mentioning it." she paused. "What do you say?"

It was barely noticeable, but Jess nodded his head ever so slightly. Satisfied, Lane left him a generous tip before heading off to school.

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A/N: hey guys. So yeah... sorry it took so long to get this chapter up. The next chapter is gonna be Rory's graduation. Now I'm pleading with you! People were so mad that they broke up.... And I don't blame them, I would be too... if I hadn't made it happen-but the point is, I PROMISE it gets better. I solemnly swear on the life of Joey Ramone (and that's a very serious thing to swear upon) that you will be happy when it is over. As always, if you read and review, you are my god. I'll send you positive vibes as a reward!!!!! Hehee ok I gotta run. Love all u guys. Next chapter comes soon.

~Emaline