I used to believe in life. In love. In hope. I used to believe in happiness and in those around me. Those who smiled. Who laughed. And cried. Those who could feel. I don't remember when I stopped believing. It happened though, as swiftly as if a knife had cut through my very soul. For me, London was my very own personal escape.

As well as my very own personal hell.

You can't escape destiny.

There will be those who try to challenge it. To mold it and shape it for personal benefit. There are those who simply run. But what happens when you can't run any longer? There are those who deny. And it takes the ultimate loss for them to realize.

I am an exception.

I was meant to leave Tokyo and my nightmares behind. I was meant to come back and to fight. To start the cycle once more. And to end it.

My destiny was never foreordained completely.

Only piece by piece.

I had to deal with what I understood. And what I didn't. Maybe that's why I feel so close to Sakura. I understand her more than she'll ever know.

More than I want to know.



**

Vanilla Skies

Chapter 5: Memories of Times Long Ago





Everyday I crucify myself. Nothing I do is good for you. Tori Amos



She used to dream. Of happy things. Of her mother being alive and living happily with Touya, her father, and her. Of becoming a doctor. Of helping people and making them smile. She dreamed of laughing, no crying. Of good grades and cheerleading championships. There was a time when there was a possibility of life being so simple. Of living her childhood.

There was a time where she could just merely be Kinomoto Sakura.

But through the decrees of the fates and as cliché as it sounded, that one day she spent in the father's library changed her entire life. Magic, Yue, Magic, Clow Reed, Magic, Kero, Magic. It was a never ending saga. The Clow Cards had changed her entire life. They got so far as to dictating it even. She could never protect them if she weren't fit and healthy or even on her toes. She would be completely useless if she weren't.

There were always the what ifs and the maybes.

And the whys.

The whole fucking roller coaster was restarting its course once more.

"Sakura-chan?"

She said nothing, her eyes firm on the mark where Usagi's limp form on the grass. She knew that the older woman had some dark secrets, but why? She sighed. The whys were going to start again.

"Sakura-chan, genki desu ka?"

She shrugged. What exactly could she say? My childhood friend's been possessed by a stack of cards? My feelings for Shaoran are still present and are driving me up the wall? 'neechan has disappear and I have no idea why?

"What do you want me to say," she murmured, pushing herself up to a standing position. She looked around, observing the damage that had been done. Branches, leaves, and blood. Sakura turned to Shaoran, expression blank. She had no choice.

"I will help you."

Shaoran's eyes widened. "You. You will?"

She nodded and they began to walk towards Eriol who was off in his own world. She bit her lip and then her eyes narrowed in determination. She wasn't a little girl anymore.

"I will help you under three conditions. Otherwise, I can take the first flight back to London without any hesitations."

Shaoran nodded. "Alright," he responded. "I agree."

She was satisfied. "First off, you are the only one of your family that is to be involved. I do not want anything from anyone in your clan and I do not want to deal with them unless they give me reason to."

He nodded slowly. "Agreed."

"Secondly, there's a lot more involved here including the lives of people close to me. I am allowed to handle things the way I please, no questions ask."

"And the last?"

A grim expression crossed her features.

"No lies."

**

// "They've betrayed us," Rei murmured softly, her eyes closed and her hands shaking.

She shook her head as if she was trying to reassure herself she could still feel. Parents dead. Her only haven. Gone. The brother she had just begun to get to know. Betrayed her. The love her life. Betrayed her. In fact, with the week she'd been having betrayal seemed like the constant theme.

"Ojisan is dead."

First tear. "Hai, I know."

"V-chan's parents are gone."

Second tear. "I know."

"Makoto and Ami are d-"

Third, fourth, fifth, and sixth tear. "I know."

"They've betrayed us."

Hollow. Alone. Cold. Lost. Tears.

"I know." //

"You're only dreaming," came a soft whisper.

Usagi shot up, pain shooting through her entire body and a soft moan escaping her lips. Fuck Yue. Fuck Yue and his arrogance. Fuck the whole goddamn world. She should have stayed in London and ignored everything.

But you couldn't do that to Sakura. And besides, you knew you needed to come back.

She moaned again. Her eyes opening slowly and to be greeted by an extravagant room. Blue and gold were present in the sheets, the walls, dressers, and the carpet. She shook her head. Noroku. It had to be the only explanation she could think up.

She sighed and tried to move.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you. You're still injured."

Usagi rolled her eyes. "Thanks mum. Oh wait, my mother's dead. Can I please go now? You know, before my explosive temper works its magic."

The shadows before moved to form the distinct form of tall man. She sighed quietly and picked up a sakura blossom, rolling it gently between her palms.

"You need to rest," came the quiet reply. "We're all worried about you."

"We? That's cute. I just want to go," she replied, her anger rising. "You know I do have things to do, problems to solve, and well, Japan to save."

There was rustle and from the dark the Sakurazukamori stepped forward, expression calm. He still thinks I'm a child, the arrogant prick. She watched as he sat at the foot of the bed, eyeing her carefully.

"I know you're angry," he began slowly.

"Violently pissed, if you want to be politically correct. Why am I here?"

"I told you. We're worried." The Sakurazukamori pointed to her injury. "You need to rest."

"I'm a healer."

"Demo---"

"I. Want. To. Go."

"You do realize that I kill people like you?"

Her eyes flashed dangerously. "You nearly did. Rei and I were pretty lucky. V on the other hand..." She closed her eyes tightly, trying to block the memories from invading her mind again. They hurt you. Your family is dead. Two of your best friends are dead. It's been done for years.

He sighed and tried to reach for her, but she pushed him away. She got out of her bed and tried to head for the door. The room began to spin.

Dead. Gone. Your fault.

"Iie," she whispered. Her heart was beginning to pound ferociously.

Dead.dead.dead.dead.de-ad-dead-dead-d-e-ad-deeaadd.

Her head started to spin. "Iie. Onegai. Gomen. Onegai, gomen ne."

She barely heard the Sakurazukamori yell her name and the striking sounded of footsteps heading towards her. Ami. Makoto. Mama and Papa. Shingo.

Let me go.

Never.

Why?

Because I love you.

Warmth. Strong arms. Ciderwood. Kamui.

"Onegai."

Iie. Never again.

Don't make me dream again.

**

Author's Ramblings:

Changed the title, didn't I? I tend to do that a lot. I apologize. Keep in mind that the cards are not going to be introduce in order for reasons only I know. *wink* Anyhow, nothing new except that any disclaimers in the previous chapters apply to this chapter. CLAMP owns X and CLAMP Detectives as well as Cardcaptor Sakura. Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi.

Coming Attractions:

Sakura and Shaoran tackle the task of the conquering the Snow Card and encounter both Yue and Rika. A special guest makes a brief appearance. A weak Usagi must join the fight with Kamui at her side with more of her memories coming back little by little.