I fell in love when I was ten years old. I fell even harder when I turned eleven. Never in my mind had I thought it possible to feel such a feeling at my age…but it did happen. I feel in love and then I was hurt. Those days seem like such a blur to me now, Shaoran. Sometimes I remember only fragments, bits and pieces of that day. Other times I could name every detail… the date, the time, what I was wearing, what I ate for breakfast…the feel of your skin as I slapped you… the feeling of loss when I lost the cards, the very source of who I was starting to become. Shaoran, I lost my security that day and there's a possibility I'll never regain it.
I could blame you, you know. I could blame your family. Hell, I could blame so many people for that night and for me leaving behind the only place I'd ever call home again behind. But right now, I don't know what to do. You see, a lot of feeling are coming out… I won't deny that I love you, Shaoran. I do. But after years of composing myself and learning to control my emotions… to only show people a shell of a person, it's beginning to crumble.
Shaoran, be careful what you wish for…
I just might let you have it.
================================
Vanilla Skiesby eve
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Heaven's just a rumor she'll dispel
as she walks me through the nicest parts of hell (dance of hell)
i still dream of lips i never should have kissed
well she knows exactly what i can't resist
nine inch nails, "sanctified"
chapter six, part one: heaven's illusions
Her eyes opened and she was greeted by darkness, silence. Momentarily, she forgot who and where she was but then her pounding headache chose to make an appearance… and then she remembered. She was in Seishiro's apartment with people she hadn't even seen in years. Real comforting, I suppose. She winced as she pushed herself up into a sitting position, struggling to hide any indication of her being awake. She took a breath and decided to rationalize her entire situation… She was weak, her energy low due to the excessive amount of stress she had been going through lately and the fight with Yue didn't help at all. She wasn't even in the frame of mind to leave, she thought and unwillingly seeing Seishiro's point. But then again, she didn't belong here nor did she trust any of them…
"You should lay back down, Usagi."
She stiffened and found comfort that the curtains around the bed hid her facial expressions. She shifted in a position so that she could face away from the door.
"Fuck off, Kamui," she responded quietly but just as deadly.
A rustle of movement signaled him walking across the carpet towards the bed. She closed her eyes and prayed that she'd have the strength mentality for whatever was about to come. She knew she was not ready to face Kamui or to face the others, but obviously Fate had other ideas. She trembled slightly, the emotions in the air running like shock electricity. She could feel his presence behind her at the curtain and she struggled with her desire to face him with the other to just plain run.
"You should eat something then if you can't sleep."
"Not hungry," she mumbled, unconsciously inching away from that side of the bed. This was getting to be on her nerves' high end.
"You should at least try…"
"Anything else I should do," she snapped. "Because I seem to recall tell-"
A large hand grabbed her arm and she was forced to turn around. Usagi froze. His eyes were just as beautiful she remembered. Some analogy to a flower in her mother's garden that she used to keep popped into her head…Lilacs? No, they were purple. Bluebells? Too dinky… Queen Anne's lace? She didn't remember what color they were. Bluebonnets… too light. Cornflower blue, she decided finally. Mama used them to decorate the living room. Cornflowers were never too dark nor too light, they were a blue gave you the feeling of warmth and laughter but at the same time a deep passion. And that was what Kamui was… passionate. He was passionate about love, life, his anger and his pains. She loved him because of his passions. He had hurt her with his passion.
"You need to rest, Usagi," he spoke firmly, his grip tightening on her arm. "You can yell and even hit me if you want, but you need to rest first. Please."
She was taken at back by the urgency in his voice. Kamui was passionate about his life's mission, his angers, his pains. Kamui was passionate about the darkness and loss of love. But Kamui was never, even when they had been together, ever passionate about her. Her eyes widened as he leaned closer, a strand of hair falling into his face. She wanted so badly to touch him all of the sudden… to trace his lips, his eyes, his high cheek bones… Kamui had certainly grown into a man, far from the boy that still haunted her from time to time.
"We're worried about you," he murmured, his thumb making a circular motion against her bare arm. "Seishiro is. Arashi, Sorata… and I'm sure your friends are as well… And Subaru is worried sick."
She flinched at the name of her brother.
"I'm worried about you. I've been worried about you for years."
"Onegai," she whimpered. "For the love of God, don't put me through this again. I can't handle another couple of years of trying to put myself together. Don't do this to me."
He sighed and withdrew his closeness. He obviously got the hint that this wasn't the time or the place for bring up old wounds.
"Sorry."
She chuckled bitterly. "Don't say things you don't mean."
"How do you know I didn't mean it?"
"How do you know you meant it?"
"Now you're being a three year old," he sighed, annoyance obviously present in his body language. He looked like he was about to burst, she noted with a mix of amusement and irritation. This was all so frustrating.
It was then she started to laugh. Everything seemed so completely absurd, that she had to laugh. It was the only thing she could do. It wasn't a completely happy laugh. But it wasn't a crazy laugh either. It was a laugh like she had laughed in a hundred years. "You---you--- You sound like an old man, Kamui," she giggled. She fell back into the pillows, clutching her stomach and giggling like crazy. "With a stick up your ass."
He huffed and pulled away, hurt by her poking fun.
"Oh come off Kamui, don't be a prat."
He looked at her like she was crazy. That's because I have the tendency to be crazy. She took a shaky breath and inched closer to him at the edge of her bed, her expression serious. It was the first time she really felt comfortable since she had returned… returned home.
"When I'm ready to talk, I'll
talk… to y---all of you," she paused with a shaky sigh, tearing her gaze away
from his burning one. Kamui had away with himself that could practically pierce
her still. She needed to talk with out having to stutter or anything.
"It's just right now," she continued slowly. "Right now, I can't deal with-"
Usagi lurched forward, a sharp pain searing through her body. She could feel the electricity coursing through her veins. Sakura, she realized. Sakura needs me. The pain grew harder to manage and she blindly reached out for something to grab---something which happened to be Kamui's arm. She looked up.
She froze.
For the first time in eleven years, she was looking into the eyes of the only man she could ever love. Her trembling hand stopped midair in its journey to touch his cheek, suddenly feeling small and useless.
He grabbed her hand. "All
right…"
Her eyes widen in surprise.
"As long as I can help you… As long as I can be by your side."
**
Waiting sucked, Sakura decided from her position in the park against the trees. Waiting meant passing time and she didn't have time to pass. Waiting also made her crazy… she was bored out of her fucking mind right now. She sighed. What she wouldn't give to have some sleep.
"Keep awake, Sakura," came Shaoran's voice from behind.
"Can't help it if I'm bored to death," she snapped. "And that your fucking family sent goddamn hired help with us. At least, I'm amusing myself with something."
He looked at her practically shell-shocked. A warm flush spread across her cheeks as she realized that she had just cursed in front of Shaoran. He obviously hadn't let go of the good girl image she had all those years ago. It was endearing almost.
"You just said…"
She raised an eyebrow. "Fuck?"
Her head snapped away from her partner's incoherent response as she felt a change of energy in the air. Suddenly she staggered forward, clutching her throbbing head. Whispers. All sorts of whispers entered her head, carrying all sorts of emotions… malice and hatred, loss and pain, and confusion…
Mistress…
"Stop it."
She tasted blood.
Mistress please help us…
She seized clumps of the ground in her hands to help control some of the pain. The ground began to shake and the intensity of the whispers grew. She felt unstable. The wind picked up and she vaguely heard Shaoran's scream.
Mistress.
She looked up.
"Rika."
**
author's notes:
*waves* Been long, eh? I'm sorry, it's hard to update when I'm writing a lot and then there's school and such. But no matter, I've updated and hopefully you've enjoyed.
I have one piece of business with not a lot to say. First off, I don't like long chapters because I get bored easy. Secondly, this story is made for short chapters because of the way it flows. Also updating will be a bit random until the summer, due to college work. I've got lots to do you see. But don't worry, I won't stop.
Review please!
disclaimer:
Disclaimers suck. Lawyers suck. And sucks that I don't own any of these anime series.
