Here we are, final chapter. In another couple of days I'll post Pippin's diary.
To "Me", how does it not sound right? Saruman's staff was broken by Gandalf.
Enjoy!
Mar 6
About 30 of my cousins caught up with me. I don't know what they would have done to me if there hadn't been people there. I wonder if I can persuade Blondie and Hairydude to stick close for the next few days...
Later...
Going to the stupid paths of the dead. Stupid Elladan and Elrohir said that Elrond and Arwen said something about the paths of some dead guys. I dunno, I wasn't listening. I guess they meant the Paths of the Dead. Great, my entire future family is ganging up on me. Hairydude and Blondie are coming, at least I'll be safe from my stupid cousins.
Mar 7
Came to Dunharrow. Dark, spooky, stupid. You know the drill. Anyway, Blondie and Hairydude didn't know about the Paths, so I told them a ghost story. I think the dwarf believed it. You should see his face! It's dark in there...
Mar 8
Well, this isn't so bad! Hairydude's scared out of his wits. My story didn't even phase Blondie. It's started to spook me now, though. The stupid torches just went out. Stupid dark. I keep falling down. It's hard to run in the dark.
Later...
It's night, and I just made a truce with the dead. At a big rock. Stupid ancestors. Why a rock? Anyway. I unfurled that bedsheet that Arwen sent me. The dead shut up. It must be really bad. She drools, Elrond says. I'm scared to look at it.
Mar 9
Well, after a lousy night's sleep, we started on our stupid way to Gondor. It's starting to get dark early. That's strange, it's spring. The days should be getting longer?
Mar 13
We've been riding for days. A bunch of stupid boring things happened. I dunno. I wasn't paying attention. There's a bunch of ships ahead. Stupid, stupid, it's dark, I've never been so bored in all my life. Stupid.
Mar 15
Well, we sailed up the Anduin blah blah blah, we won the war blah blah blah, Arwen's bedsheet wasn't that bad after all. I mean, she hardly drooled at all! I wish she would stop sending me her dirty laundry, though.
Early morning Mar 16
Hoo boy, someone saw me coming! Seems like everyone's got a case of the Black Breath! And with only three leaves of athelas to last the whole night, someone doesn't like me. It must be stupid Gandalf. Off to sleep now, I'm going cross eyed. Stupid Nazgžl.
Later...
Stupid Gandalf tried to take the spotlight from me again. Ha! I showed him. Now we're going to go to the Black Gate. I wonder if being out of the spotlight is such a bad thing after all.
Mar 18
We're off. Stupid Gandalf insists I take the lead. Horseguys and more Gondormen are coming with me, I guess. Hairydude, Blondie and the hungry hobbit. Did I mention? Other hobbit killed witch king with Horseguy's sister. Huh. I could have done that, without some deformed midget or woman. All by myself. Oh, and Denethor burnt himself to death. Stupid, I warned him about playing with matches. That might be why he persuaded his dad to send me to Umbar. Sure death my foot.
Mar 23
Sent weak inferior mortals away. They were making me sick with their whining. No one was paying enough attention to me. Some thumbed their noses at me. Stupid thralls.
Mar 24
If I only wasn't king, I could be away with the weak inferior mortals. Oh well. We're camped in front of Mordor. Stupid. Someone forgot the decent sleeping bags.
Mar 25
Ok, now Gandalf has reached the pinnacle of stupidness. He's sent me, Hairydude, Blondie, hungry hobbit, Horseguy, himself and some other stupids to the gate, unprotected to meet with some stupid appendage. Oh, there he is. The Mouth, he calls himself. Cool horse, though. He just pulled out some shiny coat and a sword. Stupid everyone seem distressed. Oh, apparently they belonged to pale hobbit. What, Sauron wants us to give up our lands, our weapons, our lives, huh? Hey, he wants us to rebuild Isengard? WORK? NEVER! I'LL DIE FIRST! Take that stupid Mouth!
Later...
Um, ok, I may have made a faux pas there. No, stupid Gandalf did. He took the shiny coat and the sword from the Mouth. Hmm, trumpets. And...orcs.
Uh oh.
Later...
Serious uh oh.
Later...
What?
Apr 8
Having a celebration. I'm finally going to be king. Pale hobbit and fat hobbit are sitting next to me. I dunno. I wasn't listening. Apparently they destroyed a ring, or something. Big deal.
May 1
Yes! Finally I am king! Now stupid inferior mortals shall fear my wrath! Ha!
1 Lithe
Arwen finally gets here. It's late. I hope I can stay awake for the cake...
Mid-Year's Day
Nope. Fell asleep. Oh well. I'm king, I can do whatever I want. I'll eat it for breakfast tomorrow.
Jul 15
Pale hobbit wants to go home. I didn't know he was still here. Who let him in? Are fat, hungry and other hobbits still here as well? Stupid servants.
Jul 19
Going to bury Kingman. I guess he was killed by the witch king. I found him the other day when I was walking. Gave me quite a start. I yelled at the servants for letting a dead guy lay around for days, months even. That explains the smell. Stupid Gandalf must have done it.
Aug 10
Kingman's funeral. Boring. Stupid. The cake was good, though.
Aug 22
Ha ha, bye-bye inferior mortals! Now I rule the world and you shall do my bidding for the rest of your days! Ha ha ha!! Stupid Gandalf, if I ever set eyes on you again it'll be a million years too soon. Stupid.
Year 1427
Stupid hobbit lands made free this year. I don't want any more to do with them. What the heck, I'll give 'em some fancy title to shut them up and keep them out of MY palace.
Year 1434
Apparently hungry hobbit is king of the Shire. I'll demote him to put him in his place. Give 'em some more fancy titles, they aren't nearly shut up yet.
Year 1436
Gone as close to the Shire as I ever dared. Yuck. Had to, though. Have to keep up stupid relations, y'know. Stupid fat hobbit brought his stupid fat family. Hungry hobbit is still hungry. I'm leaving. Now. Yech, had to give fat hobbit something shiny to shut him up. His fat daughter is quite taken with Arwen. What the heck, I'll make it one of her handslaves. With a fancy name, of course.
Year 1442
Stupid fat hobbit won't leave me alone. Brought his entire fat family to MY palace. Huh. Hope they like sleeping in boxes in alleys.
Year 1484
Hungry hobbit and other hobbit come here to die. Why me? Are they going to lie about for months too? I think I'm scarred for life.
Year 1541, Feb 30
I can't take it anymore. Dead people lying all around, fat hobbits haunting the corners of my eye, and above all stupid Gandalf floating. I'm losing my mind, that's what's happening. I've got to do something...
Mar 1
Oh my Aragorn, I didn't know your life was so...tragic! Well, you're dead now, so you won't mind me reading your diary so much. BEDSHEET? I labor for years for you, and you call my magnum opus a bedsheet? I do not drool! Ooh to see Daddy just once more! Well, I'm heartbroken, so I have to go spend the last year of my life pining and brooding after the elvish way. But the streamers and balloons everywhere are not condusive to brooding. I'm leaving stupid Gondor. Oh great, 120 years spent with you and now I'm starting to sound like you. I'm definitely leaving.
-The Queen Mum, Arwen.
Yech, that sounds like I'm an old fogey!
-The Queen Arwen
Much better. Stupid old age.
To "Me", how does it not sound right? Saruman's staff was broken by Gandalf.
Enjoy!
Mar 6
About 30 of my cousins caught up with me. I don't know what they would have done to me if there hadn't been people there. I wonder if I can persuade Blondie and Hairydude to stick close for the next few days...
Later...
Going to the stupid paths of the dead. Stupid Elladan and Elrohir said that Elrond and Arwen said something about the paths of some dead guys. I dunno, I wasn't listening. I guess they meant the Paths of the Dead. Great, my entire future family is ganging up on me. Hairydude and Blondie are coming, at least I'll be safe from my stupid cousins.
Mar 7
Came to Dunharrow. Dark, spooky, stupid. You know the drill. Anyway, Blondie and Hairydude didn't know about the Paths, so I told them a ghost story. I think the dwarf believed it. You should see his face! It's dark in there...
Mar 8
Well, this isn't so bad! Hairydude's scared out of his wits. My story didn't even phase Blondie. It's started to spook me now, though. The stupid torches just went out. Stupid dark. I keep falling down. It's hard to run in the dark.
Later...
It's night, and I just made a truce with the dead. At a big rock. Stupid ancestors. Why a rock? Anyway. I unfurled that bedsheet that Arwen sent me. The dead shut up. It must be really bad. She drools, Elrond says. I'm scared to look at it.
Mar 9
Well, after a lousy night's sleep, we started on our stupid way to Gondor. It's starting to get dark early. That's strange, it's spring. The days should be getting longer?
Mar 13
We've been riding for days. A bunch of stupid boring things happened. I dunno. I wasn't paying attention. There's a bunch of ships ahead. Stupid, stupid, it's dark, I've never been so bored in all my life. Stupid.
Mar 15
Well, we sailed up the Anduin blah blah blah, we won the war blah blah blah, Arwen's bedsheet wasn't that bad after all. I mean, she hardly drooled at all! I wish she would stop sending me her dirty laundry, though.
Early morning Mar 16
Hoo boy, someone saw me coming! Seems like everyone's got a case of the Black Breath! And with only three leaves of athelas to last the whole night, someone doesn't like me. It must be stupid Gandalf. Off to sleep now, I'm going cross eyed. Stupid Nazgžl.
Later...
Stupid Gandalf tried to take the spotlight from me again. Ha! I showed him. Now we're going to go to the Black Gate. I wonder if being out of the spotlight is such a bad thing after all.
Mar 18
We're off. Stupid Gandalf insists I take the lead. Horseguys and more Gondormen are coming with me, I guess. Hairydude, Blondie and the hungry hobbit. Did I mention? Other hobbit killed witch king with Horseguy's sister. Huh. I could have done that, without some deformed midget or woman. All by myself. Oh, and Denethor burnt himself to death. Stupid, I warned him about playing with matches. That might be why he persuaded his dad to send me to Umbar. Sure death my foot.
Mar 23
Sent weak inferior mortals away. They were making me sick with their whining. No one was paying enough attention to me. Some thumbed their noses at me. Stupid thralls.
Mar 24
If I only wasn't king, I could be away with the weak inferior mortals. Oh well. We're camped in front of Mordor. Stupid. Someone forgot the decent sleeping bags.
Mar 25
Ok, now Gandalf has reached the pinnacle of stupidness. He's sent me, Hairydude, Blondie, hungry hobbit, Horseguy, himself and some other stupids to the gate, unprotected to meet with some stupid appendage. Oh, there he is. The Mouth, he calls himself. Cool horse, though. He just pulled out some shiny coat and a sword. Stupid everyone seem distressed. Oh, apparently they belonged to pale hobbit. What, Sauron wants us to give up our lands, our weapons, our lives, huh? Hey, he wants us to rebuild Isengard? WORK? NEVER! I'LL DIE FIRST! Take that stupid Mouth!
Later...
Um, ok, I may have made a faux pas there. No, stupid Gandalf did. He took the shiny coat and the sword from the Mouth. Hmm, trumpets. And...orcs.
Uh oh.
Later...
Serious uh oh.
Later...
What?
Apr 8
Having a celebration. I'm finally going to be king. Pale hobbit and fat hobbit are sitting next to me. I dunno. I wasn't listening. Apparently they destroyed a ring, or something. Big deal.
May 1
Yes! Finally I am king! Now stupid inferior mortals shall fear my wrath! Ha!
1 Lithe
Arwen finally gets here. It's late. I hope I can stay awake for the cake...
Mid-Year's Day
Nope. Fell asleep. Oh well. I'm king, I can do whatever I want. I'll eat it for breakfast tomorrow.
Jul 15
Pale hobbit wants to go home. I didn't know he was still here. Who let him in? Are fat, hungry and other hobbits still here as well? Stupid servants.
Jul 19
Going to bury Kingman. I guess he was killed by the witch king. I found him the other day when I was walking. Gave me quite a start. I yelled at the servants for letting a dead guy lay around for days, months even. That explains the smell. Stupid Gandalf must have done it.
Aug 10
Kingman's funeral. Boring. Stupid. The cake was good, though.
Aug 22
Ha ha, bye-bye inferior mortals! Now I rule the world and you shall do my bidding for the rest of your days! Ha ha ha!! Stupid Gandalf, if I ever set eyes on you again it'll be a million years too soon. Stupid.
Year 1427
Stupid hobbit lands made free this year. I don't want any more to do with them. What the heck, I'll give 'em some fancy title to shut them up and keep them out of MY palace.
Year 1434
Apparently hungry hobbit is king of the Shire. I'll demote him to put him in his place. Give 'em some more fancy titles, they aren't nearly shut up yet.
Year 1436
Gone as close to the Shire as I ever dared. Yuck. Had to, though. Have to keep up stupid relations, y'know. Stupid fat hobbit brought his stupid fat family. Hungry hobbit is still hungry. I'm leaving. Now. Yech, had to give fat hobbit something shiny to shut him up. His fat daughter is quite taken with Arwen. What the heck, I'll make it one of her handslaves. With a fancy name, of course.
Year 1442
Stupid fat hobbit won't leave me alone. Brought his entire fat family to MY palace. Huh. Hope they like sleeping in boxes in alleys.
Year 1484
Hungry hobbit and other hobbit come here to die. Why me? Are they going to lie about for months too? I think I'm scarred for life.
Year 1541, Feb 30
I can't take it anymore. Dead people lying all around, fat hobbits haunting the corners of my eye, and above all stupid Gandalf floating. I'm losing my mind, that's what's happening. I've got to do something...
Mar 1
Oh my Aragorn, I didn't know your life was so...tragic! Well, you're dead now, so you won't mind me reading your diary so much. BEDSHEET? I labor for years for you, and you call my magnum opus a bedsheet? I do not drool! Ooh to see Daddy just once more! Well, I'm heartbroken, so I have to go spend the last year of my life pining and brooding after the elvish way. But the streamers and balloons everywhere are not condusive to brooding. I'm leaving stupid Gondor. Oh great, 120 years spent with you and now I'm starting to sound like you. I'm definitely leaving.
-The Queen Mum, Arwen.
Yech, that sounds like I'm an old fogey!
-The Queen Arwen
Much better. Stupid old age.
