TENCHI MORON-AMBIGUITY AND ASBESTOS

a cool summer night,
Clouds across the southern sky,
ow, I hurt my wang.


It's yet another blazingly bright day under the Japanese ozone hole. Ayeka, Kiyone, and Mihoshi are in the bath house sorting laundry, as it was laundry, and sorting is just what you do to it. It's the natural order.

MIHOSHI-"So anyway, I heard Noboyuki talking to Yosho the other day..."

AYEKA-*wink*"Don't you mean Katsuhito?"

MIHOSHI-"Yeah, Yoshimitsu. Anyway Noboyuki said something about wanting to 'tea bag' me. I didn't really understand exactly what he meant, but I think it had something to do with sharks..."

KIYONE-"Mihoshi, what ever happened to you? Weren't you the star detective of the entire department?"

MIHOSHI-"I gots kicked in the head with a horse!"

Ayeka had stopped paying attention by this point. She knew that listening to Mihoshi for too long can cause cancer. As she tosses another pair of socks into the 'maybe' pile, she remembers something.

AYEKA-"You know, Tenchi asked me to do the oddest thing yesterday. For some reason, he wants the bottom half of every T-shirt he owns cut off."

KIYONE-"Now why would you think he'd ask for something like that?"

AYEKA-"Some new fashion thing I suppose."

MIHOSHI-"Maybe he hates shirts!" Ayeka considers the idea.

AYEKA-"I doubt that. He would have wanted to settle the score personally."

MIHOSHI-"Huh...you know, Ayeka, I used to know some guys in the academy who wore the exact same style. Now that I think about it, I think they were, you know, funny..."

AYEKA-"Yes, I'm sure they were hilarious."

MIHOSHI-"Ha, no Ayeka...I mean they were gay."

Ayeka drops her pants.

AYEKA-"What exactly are you saying, Mihoshi?"

MIHOSHI-"Oh yeah, I used to know tons of homosexuals. Why, Kiyone here used to be a gay man."

KIYONE-"Was that ever a weird chapter in my life!" Ayeka seems disturbed.

AYEKA-"This...doesn't bode well..."
MEANWHILE!
Tenchi sits on the couch, enjoying one of his favorite romantic thrillers.

TENCHI-"Oh Vin Deisel, you can Iron my Giant any day..."

SASAMI-"Hey, Tenchi! What's this cartoon?"

TENCHI-"Aww, you'd love it Sasami! It's the bomb diggidy!" Sasami sighs.

SASAMI-"Oh great, Washu's turned him black again." Tenchi looks shocked.

TENCHI-"Sasami! How racist of you!"

SASAMI-"No, but, I really thought..."

TENCHI-"No excuses, little girl. Now go to your room!"

SASAMI-"You made me move out of my room so you could put your doll collection there!"

TENCHI-"I meant the kitchen. Makes me a snack!"

SASAMI-"But I just got finished cooking! Can't I have a break?"

TENCHI-"Sasami, I don't hear rice steaming..."

SASAMI-"YOU CAN'T...*sigh* okay, Tenchi..." As Sasami walks back to the kitchen, she overhears Noboyuki complaining.

NOBOYUKI-"Arg! I'm so sick of this slow, dial-up internet!"

SASAMI-"Maybe you need DSL...wait, Mr. Misaki sir uh...that's not a computer, that's a microwave..." Noboyuki rolls his eyes.

NOBOYUKI-"I know it's a microwave, Sasami. How else am I going to download this burrito?"

SASAMI-"Yes sir, I was mistaken." She turns away. "Heh, when I get through with this, it's gonna be nothing BUT spit." She starts gathering ingredients, but Noboyuki interrupts.

NOBOYUKI-"Sasami, can I ask you something?" She nods and keeps ingredienting. "The royal family's name is Jurai right?"

SASAMI-"Uh huh."

NOBOYUKI-"And your money is called Jurai..."

SASAMI-pauses-"Yes."

NOBOYUKI-"And...your planet is called Jurai?"

SASAMI-"I guess it is."

NOBOYUKI-"So, is your family really vain, or just stupid?"

SASAMI-"Huh... I guess it's a little of both. I blame the Jurai public education system."

NOBOYUKI-"Why? What's it like?"

SASAMI-"We all stand out in a field and hope really hard that we learn something."
BACK IN THE OTHER ROOM!
Mihoshi, Kiyone and a troubled looking Ayeka walk in, their piling stuff duties complete.

TENCHI-"Hey girls! Did you have any trouble?"

MIHOSHI-"I only hurt myself a little!"

AYEKA-"Umm, Tenchi...have you seen Ryoko lately?"

TENCHI-"I asked her to haul some crap around about an hour ago, so I could watch some TV." Ryoko slunks back to the house and absentmindedly tries to phase through the door with a bag in her hand, causing the door to explode, sending fragments stabbily about the room.

TENCHI-"Who is it?"

RYOKO-"Whew, jeez Tenchi, why is it so important that I move all that fertilizer around? It seems like 'taking coals to Newgrounds' or whatever. *sigh* Oh well, at least I can take off these hot, bothersome clothes..." she floats over to Tenchi.

TENCHI-"Ryoko, if you touch me, I'll scream!" She puts her arms around him anyway.

RYOKO-"Oh I'll make you scream all right. Scream with pleasure!"

AYEKA-"....."

RYOKO-"Like, from sex."

AYEKA-"....."

RYOKO-"Sexual intercourse with me."

TENCHI-"Ahem...Ayeka..."

AYEKA-"What? Oh yeah you...uh...you, you bitch..."

TENCHI-"What's wrong, Ayeka? You seem so distant...do you have AIDS? You do, right?"

RYOKO-"No, Tenchi, I'm sure she's just mad at the squirrel that lives in that tree that's shoved up her ass. "

AYEKA-"Now wait just a minute, you don't have right to insult ME, you pathetic skeleton!"

TENCHI-"Hold on, Ayeka, don't judge her! Ryoko can't help that she was born a skeleton."

RYOKO-"Tenchi, what are you talking about?" Tenchi becomes flustered.

TENCHI-"WHAT? I didn't say anything! You're all crazy! I'll scream!" Tenchi quickly sits back on the couch, just as Yosho saunters in.

YOSHO-"Excuse me everyone, but there's something I need to tell you. This Sunday is a very important date in my religion."

TENCHI-"But grandpa, I don't remember any Shinto holy days this weekend."

YOSHO-"Tenchi, I said 'my' religion, I call it 'Yoshoism'. In the best interests of me, I've decided to have a festival, and I expect you all to do your part."

MIHOSHI-"Wow, you mean like that one time?"

YOSHO-"What are you implying, Mihoshi? Are you trying to start somethin?"

TENCHI-"I think she means the carnival."

YOSHO-"Phhh! Do you know how much money I lost on that deal? Why, just thinking about it makes me so angry! I'm just glad I'm a Buddhist."

TENCHI-"But grandpa, you're not Buddhist."

YOSHO-"It's as the Dali Lama once said, 'I don't like you, you're stupid, Tenchi.' "

TENCHI-"But he was so nice at the party!"

MIHOSHI-"Wow, a festival! I haven't been this excited since the first time Kiyone touched my special place!"

YOSHO-"I just thought I should warn you, as I expect you all to be ready to work hard. Until then, I'll be off in obscurity." Yosho backs away and mysteriously wanders off.

TENCHI-"Hey, that reminds me, where are Washu and Ryo-Oki?"

KIYONE-"Don't you remember? They've been running from the law for a month now."

TENCHI-"The law huh?"
ELSEWHERE!
WASHU-"Punch it Ryo-Oki, Shar'ff Rosco's gainin' on us!"

RYO OKI-"Meyaayow!"

Now, ever'body knows Washu 'n Ryo-Oki's done bin in a whole mess o' trouble ever since they got caught sellin moonshine off'n the Georga turnpike. They also shot a baby in the face.
BACK IN JAPAN! THIS IS SO EXCITING!
TENCHI-"Well, anyway, it's not as bad as the time Kiyone married Nicholas Cage and kidnapped that baby."

KIYONE-"Tenchi! That wasn't me!"

TENCHI-"Oh? And I suppose I married Nicholas Cage?"

SASAMI-"Okay Tenchi, here's the rice you wanted."

TENCHI-"Sasami, are you dyslexic or something? I never asked you to fix me anything."

SASAMI-"YES YOU DID! And what does my dyslexia have to do with anything?"

TENCHI-"You're so sexy when you're angry!"

IRON GIANT-"Ho-garrrth!"

SASAMI-"Pay attention when I yell at you!"

LATER~
Everyone is once again sitting around the table, waiting for dinner, as prepared by their blue haired slave girl. And Sasami helped too.

KIYONE-"I agree, Ryoko. Aristotle did oversimplify. But I believe it was Plato who said..."

MIHOSHI-"Plato? I love Plato! I have the Plato funny pumper, and the Plato Happy Meal kit! Yeah, anything goes with Plato."

KIYONE-"...what?"

MIHOSHI-"Chicken butt!"

KIYONE-"You realize that doesn't really work in Japanese."

MIHOSHI-"Chicken butt!"

SASAMI-"I hope you all saved room for my fish, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR STOMACH!"

TENCHI-"You know, Sasami, I never get tired of hearing you say that. No, really."

KIYONE-"Hey, this crap looks new. What is this crap? Is it crap?"

SASAMI-"...."

KIYONE-"You suck, Sasami."

MIHOSHI-"Really, Sasami, what is it?"

SASAMI-"I used a special Jurai meatitarian recipe!"

AYEKA-"Ah, this really takes me back to my days in the old learny fields."

TENCHI-"This really is good! What's in it?"

SASAMI-"Well, the secret ingredient is love."

TENCHI-"Wow, and here I thought it was bees!"

As rousing as the conversation is, it soon dies down. Yosho, a bit tired of serving no real purpose, decides to try his hand at saying something interesting.

YOSHO-*cough* "Uh...I hurt my wiener yesterday."

TENCHI-"Grandpa! We're trying to eat here! What's wrong with you?"

YOSHO-"Go...go TRAIN yourself, Tenchi!" He quickly stands up and runs from the room.

TENCHI-"Was he crying?"

AYEKA-"Well...I've suddenly lost interest in putting things in my mouth." Tenchi leans over to her.

TENCHI-whispering-"Hey, Ayeka...I've got something you can put in your mouth..." Ayeka seems confused and pleasantly surprised.

AYEKA-blushing-"Ex..excuse me?"

TENCHI-whispering-"Yeah, as soon as I finish this piece of fish...you can have the rest, I'm on a diet." He quickly finishes off his fish and scrapes the rest onto Ayeka's plate.

SASAMI-"What's wrong, Tenchi? Don't you like it?"

TENCHI-"Oh, no way, Sasami! It was scrumptious!" Ryoko suddenly springs to attention, as if she had an epiphany.

RYOKO-thinking-"Wait...wearing girls clothes...acting all feminine...the speech..."

RYOKO-*GASP* "AYEKA'S GAY!" Everyone utters cries of shock, and look at Ayeka.

AYEKA-"What? No! Tenchi's gay!" Even more shock. Tenchi tries to facefault, but misses the floor and is bashed unconscious.
LATER

NOBOYUKI-"I think he's waking up..."

TENCHI-"Ohh..uh...Hogarth, you bitch!"

AYEKA-"Tenchi, are you all right?"

TENCHI-"Ag, no! Ayeka, how could you say I'm gay?" He stands up.

AYEKA-"Well, I just...I mean..."

KIYONE-"She's right, Tenchi. You do come off a bit...flamboyantly and clearly homosexual."

RYOKO-"So why won't you pay attention to me, Tenchi?"

TENCHI-"I really didn't want to have to say anything...but, well...the thing is, I'm..." He pauses "....a woman."

AYEKA-"Tenchi, what are you trying to say?"

TENCHI-"It all happened a few years ago. Grandpa and I were training near this spring that was said to have been cursed.....long story short, my testicles got gangrene. So I had a sex change when I was about twelve." Ayeka and Ryoko are horrified.

TENCHI-"I hadn't planned on everyone staying here so long...but Ayeka, Ryoko....I just don't swing that way."

AYEKA-"Are you sure you're not just gay?"

RYOKO-"You're not really a woman, right?"

MIHOSHI-"HAHA! You two are lesbians!"

KIYONE-"You two are sick! Come on, Mihoshi, let's go make love. Oh, and bring your play-doh."
THE END