Disclaimer: see chapter 1
Part 3
The way others see you
By Random1377
"Shinji... Shinji wake up..." Asuka shook the boy gently, -Why is it so hard to wake him up? It's not like he hasn't slept for forty days...- "SHINJI!!"
"Huh?" he finally stirred and sat up, "Asuka...? What is it, is there an angel?"
"Do you hear any alarms?" she asked archly, "No, you idiot, I want to talk to you."
He rubbed his eyes, "Talk? To me?" he sounded skeptical, "Sure, I guess... what about?"
"Kiss me." She leaned forward.
"WHAT?!" he backed away, covering his nose instinctively.
"Oh, stop that!" she whispered angrily, "I want you to kiss me again, I promise I won't choke you this time."
He looked at her, his lips pursed, "Umm... why? The last time you talked to me, you told me that you hated me."
She flushed, "I was... upset... I don't hate you. Now kiss me, damnit!"
He backed further away, his frown deepening, "No, Asuka..." his voice trembled, "you can't just say that... that you hate me and then turn around and expect me to ki-mmphh-"
-I have to know...- Asuka thought, diving forward and forcing her lips against his. She kissed him desperately, pinning his arms to his bed and opening her mouth, pushing her tongue roughly into his mouth.
Shinji tried to push her away, but she held him fast, ignoring everything but what she was feeling... unconsciously forcing Shinji into the same situation she faced just days ago, even if only on a lesser scale. -Yes... this is the way it should be...- she thought with some satisfaction. Yet in the back of her mind she could still feel Rei's arms around her.
When she finally broke away, breathing hard, she said, "See? Now was that so ba-"
"Get out..." his voice was low as he stared at the wall, "get out of my room, Asuka..."
She stayed put. "No," she said defiantly, "I'm not going anywhere... I like it here with you." -I do... I... I think...-
"Please!" his voice cracked and dropped to a whisper, "I... don't know what you want from me," he looked at her, his eyes full of confusion, "two days ago you said you hated me... before that you thought I was an idiot, and now you're kissing me... I don't understand..."
She sat back, unsure, as he continued, "How do you see me? Do you see me as another pilot? As an annoyance? As a friend?" his voice shook, "...as more?"
"I... don't know..." she admitted, "maybe a friend, I don't... I..." she trailed off.
He gently pushed her off of him, "I don't..." he took a shuddery breath, "I don't want to talk to you anymore, Asuka... please leave me alone..."
Silently she got off of his bed and left his room, more confused than when she had entered.
As soon as she was gone, Shinji rolled onto his stomach and buried his head in his pillow, wondering how one of his most hidden fantasies could come true... and how come it when it had, it had been so bitter.
**
In the morning, Asuka walked to school alone. Shinji had insisted to Misato that he was sick, and refused to come out of his room. As she walked, Asuka thought about what had happened, -I know he wanted to kiss me...- she said to herself, -I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me. And when I finally do, what happens? He kicks me out!-
She tried to be indignant, but she kept flashing back to the hurt in his blue eyes, and him asking her softly to leave.
Her mind raced in circles all day, -What if I am...- she thought as she ate her lunch alone, -what if I... like girls...?- The thought confused her. Was she actually considering it POSSIBLE? -I... liked kissing Shinji... I did.- And she had... but still, she thought of Rei holding her.
The one redeeming detail of the day was the fact that the azure-haired girl had been absent again, sparing her the awkwardness of trying to come to terms with everything under her cool, vermilion gaze.
Things took a turn for the worst during gym.
She was talking to Hikari in the locker room about Touji's condition, trying to get her mind off of things, when Hikari began undressing.
"...so with the prosthetics, he should be mostly ok." Hikari was saying, unaware that Asuka had frozen.
-What is the matter with me...?- she asked, taking note for the first time of how attractive her friend was, -Do I... like her?- the thought terrified her. -Am I not normal? Oh God... what's wrong with me?-
Hikari paused, "Something wrong, Asuka?"
Asuka realized that she had been staring at Hikari as she undressed and flushed, "No... I... nothing."
Hikari noticed her rise in color, "Asuka..." she sounded concerned, "IS something wrong?" she stepped closer to the girl, "You can tell me, I'm your friend." She reached out to lay a hand on Asuka's shoulder.
Asuka tensed as the other girl drew near, wearing only her underclothes. -Please...- she thought, -please don't touch me... I don't know what I... please don't...- She didn't know what may have happened if the bell had not rung just then. Her relief was palpable as the other girl dropped her arm and frowned.
"Asuka... if anything's wrong, please tell me." Hikari said quietly.
Asuka took a deep breath, "N-Nothing's wrong Hikari, I just..." in desperation, her mind latched onto the nearest thing to the truth that she could muster, "I just feel a little off... I think it's because of my period..."
She knew it wasn't, though... her cycle had ended two days prior and physically she felt pretty good. The other girl looked relieved, "Oh... I'm sorry..." she smiled, "I know how you feel, my last one was... heavy..." she blushed, unused to talking about something so personal, even with her best friend.
Asuka let out a sigh as Hikari pulled on her shirt, -I have to get out of here...- she thought, -I'm going crazy...- To Hikari she said, "I'm gonna go home early, I don't feel so good." She touched her stomach for emphasis.
Hikari nodded sympathetically, "Yeah... cramps suck..." she patted Asuka on the arm, not noticing the way she flinched. "I'll tell the teacher for you, get out of here." She smiled and headed back towards class.
Asuka leaned back against her locker and sank to the floor, putting her head in her hands.
**
She walked home as she had come... alone. Her reaction to Hikari had unnerved her, and the sudden rain that fell on her as she walked did not help her mood any.
As she walked, she considered what Misato had told her about pushing people away. She shook her head abruptly, whispering fiercely, "But she's a GIRL!" She brought her head up and her breath caught in her throat as she found herself face to face with the object of her thoughts. "What... what do you want?" she said quietly.
Rei said nothing for a moment, she just stood there, soaked to the skin and terribly confused, -Should I... not have sought her out?- she thought, -I... she is very pretty...-
As the rain came down, Asuka regarded the other girl... standing alone... unmindful of the downpour. As the water plastered her hair to her face, Rei spoke quietly, "I must know..." despite the adverse conditions, her words reached Asuka with crystalline clarity, "do you feel... anything, for me?" she tilted her head to the side, "I have thought of you much these past few days, Asuka..."
"I don't know!" Asuka replied, her frustration overcoming all other emotions, "I don't know, Rei..." The other girl took a step forward, and Asuka retreated, "Don't come near me!" she said, finding focus in anger... welcoming it in, "I don't want you to touch me, do you hear me?!"
"I... am sorry," Rei said slowly, "I am confused. I feel something when I see you, but I do not know this emotion." She fidgeted with the hem of her school dress, "I thought... perhaps you felt something as well... and could explain it to me..." she tried again to get closer, but Asuka backed away, scowling deeply.
Asuka took a deep breath, and when she spoke she was proud of how steady her voice was, "Rei, I don't know what I feel... but I don't think it is what you feel." She thrust her chin forward, "And don't call me Asuka... you can call me Pilot Souryu, like you used to before you touched me!" She hardened her anger to a diamond point, "And I don't want to see you outside of NERV or school, you just stay away from me from now on."
Rei's face lost all trace of the emotion it had been showing and slipped back into the impassive mask Asuka was so used to, "I... understand completely, Pilot Souryu... I am sorry to have bothered you." She turned and walked the opposite direction, her head down.
Asuka felt her anger ebbing, replaced by confusion once more as the desire to pursue the other girl rose. She actually took a step before catching herself. "Why would I go after her, I DON'T LIKE GIRLS!" she whispered desperately.
She stood in the rain a long time, unaware of when, exactly, her confused tears began to mingle with the drops falling from the sky.
Continued...
Author's notes: Ok, look... I'm not a girl, so I don't know if I'm portraying reactions correctly in this fiction, or if I'm just feeding off of movie/TV stereotypes... but at least I'm TRYING to understand... and it's not easy. This is the most difficult fiction I've tried to write. I'm trying to get into the mindset of teenage girls that are depicted as straight (or as the very worst, indifferent) and imagine a reason why they might be attracted to one another... sorry if it sucks...
Thanks goes out to Little Washu and Lilith on this one for pre-reading. You two rock.
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com
Part 3
The way others see you
By Random1377
"Shinji... Shinji wake up..." Asuka shook the boy gently, -Why is it so hard to wake him up? It's not like he hasn't slept for forty days...- "SHINJI!!"
"Huh?" he finally stirred and sat up, "Asuka...? What is it, is there an angel?"
"Do you hear any alarms?" she asked archly, "No, you idiot, I want to talk to you."
He rubbed his eyes, "Talk? To me?" he sounded skeptical, "Sure, I guess... what about?"
"Kiss me." She leaned forward.
"WHAT?!" he backed away, covering his nose instinctively.
"Oh, stop that!" she whispered angrily, "I want you to kiss me again, I promise I won't choke you this time."
He looked at her, his lips pursed, "Umm... why? The last time you talked to me, you told me that you hated me."
She flushed, "I was... upset... I don't hate you. Now kiss me, damnit!"
He backed further away, his frown deepening, "No, Asuka..." his voice trembled, "you can't just say that... that you hate me and then turn around and expect me to ki-mmphh-"
-I have to know...- Asuka thought, diving forward and forcing her lips against his. She kissed him desperately, pinning his arms to his bed and opening her mouth, pushing her tongue roughly into his mouth.
Shinji tried to push her away, but she held him fast, ignoring everything but what she was feeling... unconsciously forcing Shinji into the same situation she faced just days ago, even if only on a lesser scale. -Yes... this is the way it should be...- she thought with some satisfaction. Yet in the back of her mind she could still feel Rei's arms around her.
When she finally broke away, breathing hard, she said, "See? Now was that so ba-"
"Get out..." his voice was low as he stared at the wall, "get out of my room, Asuka..."
She stayed put. "No," she said defiantly, "I'm not going anywhere... I like it here with you." -I do... I... I think...-
"Please!" his voice cracked and dropped to a whisper, "I... don't know what you want from me," he looked at her, his eyes full of confusion, "two days ago you said you hated me... before that you thought I was an idiot, and now you're kissing me... I don't understand..."
She sat back, unsure, as he continued, "How do you see me? Do you see me as another pilot? As an annoyance? As a friend?" his voice shook, "...as more?"
"I... don't know..." she admitted, "maybe a friend, I don't... I..." she trailed off.
He gently pushed her off of him, "I don't..." he took a shuddery breath, "I don't want to talk to you anymore, Asuka... please leave me alone..."
Silently she got off of his bed and left his room, more confused than when she had entered.
As soon as she was gone, Shinji rolled onto his stomach and buried his head in his pillow, wondering how one of his most hidden fantasies could come true... and how come it when it had, it had been so bitter.
**
In the morning, Asuka walked to school alone. Shinji had insisted to Misato that he was sick, and refused to come out of his room. As she walked, Asuka thought about what had happened, -I know he wanted to kiss me...- she said to herself, -I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me. And when I finally do, what happens? He kicks me out!-
She tried to be indignant, but she kept flashing back to the hurt in his blue eyes, and him asking her softly to leave.
Her mind raced in circles all day, -What if I am...- she thought as she ate her lunch alone, -what if I... like girls...?- The thought confused her. Was she actually considering it POSSIBLE? -I... liked kissing Shinji... I did.- And she had... but still, she thought of Rei holding her.
The one redeeming detail of the day was the fact that the azure-haired girl had been absent again, sparing her the awkwardness of trying to come to terms with everything under her cool, vermilion gaze.
Things took a turn for the worst during gym.
She was talking to Hikari in the locker room about Touji's condition, trying to get her mind off of things, when Hikari began undressing.
"...so with the prosthetics, he should be mostly ok." Hikari was saying, unaware that Asuka had frozen.
-What is the matter with me...?- she asked, taking note for the first time of how attractive her friend was, -Do I... like her?- the thought terrified her. -Am I not normal? Oh God... what's wrong with me?-
Hikari paused, "Something wrong, Asuka?"
Asuka realized that she had been staring at Hikari as she undressed and flushed, "No... I... nothing."
Hikari noticed her rise in color, "Asuka..." she sounded concerned, "IS something wrong?" she stepped closer to the girl, "You can tell me, I'm your friend." She reached out to lay a hand on Asuka's shoulder.
Asuka tensed as the other girl drew near, wearing only her underclothes. -Please...- she thought, -please don't touch me... I don't know what I... please don't...- She didn't know what may have happened if the bell had not rung just then. Her relief was palpable as the other girl dropped her arm and frowned.
"Asuka... if anything's wrong, please tell me." Hikari said quietly.
Asuka took a deep breath, "N-Nothing's wrong Hikari, I just..." in desperation, her mind latched onto the nearest thing to the truth that she could muster, "I just feel a little off... I think it's because of my period..."
She knew it wasn't, though... her cycle had ended two days prior and physically she felt pretty good. The other girl looked relieved, "Oh... I'm sorry..." she smiled, "I know how you feel, my last one was... heavy..." she blushed, unused to talking about something so personal, even with her best friend.
Asuka let out a sigh as Hikari pulled on her shirt, -I have to get out of here...- she thought, -I'm going crazy...- To Hikari she said, "I'm gonna go home early, I don't feel so good." She touched her stomach for emphasis.
Hikari nodded sympathetically, "Yeah... cramps suck..." she patted Asuka on the arm, not noticing the way she flinched. "I'll tell the teacher for you, get out of here." She smiled and headed back towards class.
Asuka leaned back against her locker and sank to the floor, putting her head in her hands.
**
She walked home as she had come... alone. Her reaction to Hikari had unnerved her, and the sudden rain that fell on her as she walked did not help her mood any.
As she walked, she considered what Misato had told her about pushing people away. She shook her head abruptly, whispering fiercely, "But she's a GIRL!" She brought her head up and her breath caught in her throat as she found herself face to face with the object of her thoughts. "What... what do you want?" she said quietly.
Rei said nothing for a moment, she just stood there, soaked to the skin and terribly confused, -Should I... not have sought her out?- she thought, -I... she is very pretty...-
As the rain came down, Asuka regarded the other girl... standing alone... unmindful of the downpour. As the water plastered her hair to her face, Rei spoke quietly, "I must know..." despite the adverse conditions, her words reached Asuka with crystalline clarity, "do you feel... anything, for me?" she tilted her head to the side, "I have thought of you much these past few days, Asuka..."
"I don't know!" Asuka replied, her frustration overcoming all other emotions, "I don't know, Rei..." The other girl took a step forward, and Asuka retreated, "Don't come near me!" she said, finding focus in anger... welcoming it in, "I don't want you to touch me, do you hear me?!"
"I... am sorry," Rei said slowly, "I am confused. I feel something when I see you, but I do not know this emotion." She fidgeted with the hem of her school dress, "I thought... perhaps you felt something as well... and could explain it to me..." she tried again to get closer, but Asuka backed away, scowling deeply.
Asuka took a deep breath, and when she spoke she was proud of how steady her voice was, "Rei, I don't know what I feel... but I don't think it is what you feel." She thrust her chin forward, "And don't call me Asuka... you can call me Pilot Souryu, like you used to before you touched me!" She hardened her anger to a diamond point, "And I don't want to see you outside of NERV or school, you just stay away from me from now on."
Rei's face lost all trace of the emotion it had been showing and slipped back into the impassive mask Asuka was so used to, "I... understand completely, Pilot Souryu... I am sorry to have bothered you." She turned and walked the opposite direction, her head down.
Asuka felt her anger ebbing, replaced by confusion once more as the desire to pursue the other girl rose. She actually took a step before catching herself. "Why would I go after her, I DON'T LIKE GIRLS!" she whispered desperately.
She stood in the rain a long time, unaware of when, exactly, her confused tears began to mingle with the drops falling from the sky.
Continued...
Author's notes: Ok, look... I'm not a girl, so I don't know if I'm portraying reactions correctly in this fiction, or if I'm just feeding off of movie/TV stereotypes... but at least I'm TRYING to understand... and it's not easy. This is the most difficult fiction I've tried to write. I'm trying to get into the mindset of teenage girls that are depicted as straight (or as the very worst, indifferent) and imagine a reason why they might be attracted to one another... sorry if it sucks...
Thanks goes out to Little Washu and Lilith on this one for pre-reading. You two rock.
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com
