* Once again we are treated to a scene originally taken out of the game.
As Raiden walks on top of another strut. He sees Cheesburger sunbathing in
a lawn chair, laying down with the sun glaring off her huge gut, on the
strut roof in a bathing suit. The bottom piece of the bathing suit reads
"home of the whopper" on the back. She seems almost asleep as the waves
crash gently against the side of the strut.*
Raiden(while pointing his gun at her): Well look, a beached whale.
* She turns over on her side. *
Cheesburger: What!? You again. Why hasn't dead cell done something about you?
Raiden: Well, your dead weight does something to me. Makes me want to puke!
Cheesburger: You're just jealous you don't have a body like mine.
* After that her lawn chair caves in. *
Cheeseburger: Damn Russian Spetsnaz lawn chair!
Raiden: It's time we had a real fight. This time you don't have that crane to lug you around.
Cheesburger: I would eat you for breakfast.
Raiden: Looks like I won't be the first one.
* outraged at this insult, Cheeseburger thrusts all two tons of herself at Raiden. Raiden dives to the side. When Cheeseburger falls down she makes a huge dent in the floor. She can't get up so she starts rolling. But because of her particularly round shape she can't stop and she rolls right off the roof. *
Raiden: Heh. I feel sorry for the water she fell on.
* Then Raiden proceeds to shell 2. When he gets to there he hears a noise from a room marked "men's". He uses the directional microphone to listen in. He hears two guys in different stalls in the bathroom conversing. *
Ocelot: I'm really glad I could talk to you about your dubious plans, but did we have to do it in here?
Johnny: Listen Ocelot, do you really wanna go back to the meeting room? It smells terrible in there.
Ocelot: Johnny, you should really see a doctor or someone about this problem. You can't just keep switching rooms after you've made them smell like hell. At this rate, next week you'll have stinked up the whole big shell. Where are you gonna run to then?
Johnny: Do you think they'll let me back in New York city?
Ocelot: You clogged up their sewege system. Even if the Mayor permitted you back into the city, those sewage workers who had to scoop out your crap would surely run you out.
Johnny: Oh man, it's hopeless.
Ocelot: But don't worry. You've got your master plan to back you up.
Johnny: . . .
Ocelot: You do have a master plan don't you?
Johnny: No. I just made that up at the meeting so everyone would like me.
Ocelot: Whaa!?
Johnny(sobbing): The truth is. I'm a high school droppout. I couldn't think of a plan to save my worthless butt. Ever since high school I've had the worst luck.
Ocelot: Now, there, there, Johnny. That's not true.
Johnny(still sobbing): Yes it is. That one time when Oprah was practicing her quick draw with the slimfast can and accidentally hit Cheesburger in the eye and made her fall off that balcony who did she fall on?
Ocelot: You. Sir.
Johnny: And who do the sea gulls crap on every time we all go outside to supervise the completion of the big shell?
Ocelot(snickering): That would be you. Sir.
Johnny: And who gets hit with a bowell attack every time we'r. . .
Ocelot: Allright! I get what you're saying. But I still say your luck isn't all that bad.
Johnny(sobbing even more): Yes it is. I suck. And there's only one way I can make myself feel better.
Ocelot: And how's that?
Johnny: I have to sing.
Ocelot: On the can?
Johnny(still sobbing): Yeah I thought everyone did it. Well, anyway when I'm feeling down I like to sing those cool Linkin Park songs.
Ocelot: You mean those annoyin. . .
Johnny: Listen Ocelot! I may be down in the dumps right now, but I'm still the leader of this takeover and the current commander of the Spetsnaz army so I suggest you don't insult my music. Capiesh?
Ocelot: Oh. Sorry sir. Wait, isn't Jerod the leader of the Spetsnaz army?
Johnny(sobbing uncontrollably): ENOUGH!!! Now I've really got to sing.
* Johnny starts singing *
Johnny: I had to fall, to loose it aaaahhhlllll
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to loose it aaaaahhhllllll
But in the end, it doesn't even maaaterrrrrrrrruuurrr
* Johnny stops singing *
Johnny(still sobbing): Oh, what's the use? Once I get back and the others find out about how I didn't have a plan, they'll kill me.
* Johnny takes a lot of toilet paper off the roll and blows his nose on it *
Johnny: I feel like my whole life is just being flushed down the can.
* Ocelot in the next stall, upon hearing that, looks down at the can he's sitting on. *
Ocelot: Johnny, that's it! You're a genious!
Johnny: Huh, wha? What'd I say?
Ocelot: The can! That's it. Come on Johnny we've got some work to do.
Johnny: Wait. I've got to wipe my ass.
Ocelot: Oh. Ok.
* Johnny looks at the roll and sees that when he blew his nose he used the last of the toilet paper. *
Johnny: Damn!
* Johnny and Ocelot rush by and exit the strut. Raiden then contacts French Fry. *
(codec beeps)
Raiden: French Fry, what can you tell me about this Johnny Sasaki?
Rosie: Well you may have been familiar with an incident similar to the one we're in right now. It happened in an offshore thing like this quite a while back.
Raiden: Yeah. They briefed me on that.
French Fry: Yeah, well, Dead Cell was involved. But there were different members at the time. Fortune, Solidus, Vamp, and Fatman. And by the way, the Fortune that's here now is a different one. Anyway, as you've no doubt heard, Vamp got his powers many years ago when that church was destroyed. The roof caved in and he had nothing to drink but the blood of the people who were trapped with him. He was then pierced with a crucifix and he got his powers.
Raiden: Yeah, I know you don't have to explain it to me.
French Fry: Well, anyway. Johnny just happened to be attending that church that day. He went to the bathroom just before the church was destroyed. A huge piece of the roof fell in front of the door and he was trapped in there with nothing to eat but the laxatives that whoever had come in before him had left. And that explains his sudden "bowell attacks"
Raiden: Hmm. Poor guy.
Raiden(while pointing his gun at her): Well look, a beached whale.
* She turns over on her side. *
Cheesburger: What!? You again. Why hasn't dead cell done something about you?
Raiden: Well, your dead weight does something to me. Makes me want to puke!
Cheesburger: You're just jealous you don't have a body like mine.
* After that her lawn chair caves in. *
Cheeseburger: Damn Russian Spetsnaz lawn chair!
Raiden: It's time we had a real fight. This time you don't have that crane to lug you around.
Cheesburger: I would eat you for breakfast.
Raiden: Looks like I won't be the first one.
* outraged at this insult, Cheeseburger thrusts all two tons of herself at Raiden. Raiden dives to the side. When Cheeseburger falls down she makes a huge dent in the floor. She can't get up so she starts rolling. But because of her particularly round shape she can't stop and she rolls right off the roof. *
Raiden: Heh. I feel sorry for the water she fell on.
* Then Raiden proceeds to shell 2. When he gets to there he hears a noise from a room marked "men's". He uses the directional microphone to listen in. He hears two guys in different stalls in the bathroom conversing. *
Ocelot: I'm really glad I could talk to you about your dubious plans, but did we have to do it in here?
Johnny: Listen Ocelot, do you really wanna go back to the meeting room? It smells terrible in there.
Ocelot: Johnny, you should really see a doctor or someone about this problem. You can't just keep switching rooms after you've made them smell like hell. At this rate, next week you'll have stinked up the whole big shell. Where are you gonna run to then?
Johnny: Do you think they'll let me back in New York city?
Ocelot: You clogged up their sewege system. Even if the Mayor permitted you back into the city, those sewage workers who had to scoop out your crap would surely run you out.
Johnny: Oh man, it's hopeless.
Ocelot: But don't worry. You've got your master plan to back you up.
Johnny: . . .
Ocelot: You do have a master plan don't you?
Johnny: No. I just made that up at the meeting so everyone would like me.
Ocelot: Whaa!?
Johnny(sobbing): The truth is. I'm a high school droppout. I couldn't think of a plan to save my worthless butt. Ever since high school I've had the worst luck.
Ocelot: Now, there, there, Johnny. That's not true.
Johnny(still sobbing): Yes it is. That one time when Oprah was practicing her quick draw with the slimfast can and accidentally hit Cheesburger in the eye and made her fall off that balcony who did she fall on?
Ocelot: You. Sir.
Johnny: And who do the sea gulls crap on every time we all go outside to supervise the completion of the big shell?
Ocelot(snickering): That would be you. Sir.
Johnny: And who gets hit with a bowell attack every time we'r. . .
Ocelot: Allright! I get what you're saying. But I still say your luck isn't all that bad.
Johnny(sobbing even more): Yes it is. I suck. And there's only one way I can make myself feel better.
Ocelot: And how's that?
Johnny: I have to sing.
Ocelot: On the can?
Johnny(still sobbing): Yeah I thought everyone did it. Well, anyway when I'm feeling down I like to sing those cool Linkin Park songs.
Ocelot: You mean those annoyin. . .
Johnny: Listen Ocelot! I may be down in the dumps right now, but I'm still the leader of this takeover and the current commander of the Spetsnaz army so I suggest you don't insult my music. Capiesh?
Ocelot: Oh. Sorry sir. Wait, isn't Jerod the leader of the Spetsnaz army?
Johnny(sobbing uncontrollably): ENOUGH!!! Now I've really got to sing.
* Johnny starts singing *
Johnny: I had to fall, to loose it aaaahhhlllll
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to loose it aaaaahhhllllll
But in the end, it doesn't even maaaterrrrrrrrruuurrr
* Johnny stops singing *
Johnny(still sobbing): Oh, what's the use? Once I get back and the others find out about how I didn't have a plan, they'll kill me.
* Johnny takes a lot of toilet paper off the roll and blows his nose on it *
Johnny: I feel like my whole life is just being flushed down the can.
* Ocelot in the next stall, upon hearing that, looks down at the can he's sitting on. *
Ocelot: Johnny, that's it! You're a genious!
Johnny: Huh, wha? What'd I say?
Ocelot: The can! That's it. Come on Johnny we've got some work to do.
Johnny: Wait. I've got to wipe my ass.
Ocelot: Oh. Ok.
* Johnny looks at the roll and sees that when he blew his nose he used the last of the toilet paper. *
Johnny: Damn!
* Johnny and Ocelot rush by and exit the strut. Raiden then contacts French Fry. *
(codec beeps)
Raiden: French Fry, what can you tell me about this Johnny Sasaki?
Rosie: Well you may have been familiar with an incident similar to the one we're in right now. It happened in an offshore thing like this quite a while back.
Raiden: Yeah. They briefed me on that.
French Fry: Yeah, well, Dead Cell was involved. But there were different members at the time. Fortune, Solidus, Vamp, and Fatman. And by the way, the Fortune that's here now is a different one. Anyway, as you've no doubt heard, Vamp got his powers many years ago when that church was destroyed. The roof caved in and he had nothing to drink but the blood of the people who were trapped with him. He was then pierced with a crucifix and he got his powers.
Raiden: Yeah, I know you don't have to explain it to me.
French Fry: Well, anyway. Johnny just happened to be attending that church that day. He went to the bathroom just before the church was destroyed. A huge piece of the roof fell in front of the door and he was trapped in there with nothing to eat but the laxatives that whoever had come in before him had left. And that explains his sudden "bowell attacks"
Raiden: Hmm. Poor guy.
