Written while listening to Sarah Mclachlan's song "full of grace" on repeat. Very very Yuki, and angsty.


Frozen Water

The winter year has come, but it's been a longtime since winter affected me.

Winter brings me memories of then. Of that time that's not now but not exactly then either. In between because I don't want to acknowledge it. It's better that way, because it does not actively become part of my past unless I accept it.

I'm not good at accepting things like that.

I suppose you could see it as lack of courage. Or perhaps not wanting to face consequences of my past. Or to even stretch that thought further you could call it a lost boy in an adult's body not wanting to accept and remember what severed him from that childhood in the first place.

Some people say I suddenly woke up one morning and changed. They could be right or they could be wrong. I try not to remember those days.

But true to form one day I just woke up and hated. Hated them hated him hated her hated them all-- but most of all hated myself. The boy, the stupid little boy who thought that if you had heart it would all be there for you. That everything would come together in little sparkling pieces. Shining that dream back out to you, me or whoever was that stupid to get trapped in such a lie.

I don't like to be manipulated, even by my own heart. My own naïve views of trust and courage. I thought I did. I thought I was strong, but it was all false and all a lie.

I got trapped in that lie that I hate so much. I want to crush that lie because it severed me. It severed me into what I am and severed me from what I could have been.

I did not consciously accept that I wanted to be different. That I didn't want to be cold. I didn't want to be winter.

I never wanted to be winter.

Too late now.

But him. Him. He's in that lie. That one I reached out with both hands and fell with both hands tied behind my back. I hate him for reaching out and catching that. Finding the truth within the lie where I failed. Reaching that place were everything smiles and sparkles with only one thing to bring him down.

Winter.

I love him though. I love him for reaching that dream, I love to watch that beauty. Bittersweet in a way. I can never have it, just be a spectator. Snow falling against warmed window pane.
But I know one thing. If I get too close I'll melt. I'll cease to exist. I don't know what would happen. Would I change? Would he change? Would I be happy....would he be happy?

Would we be happy?

I'm too scared to find out, but I know why these thoughts came to me. I can feel the cold harsh winter, when usually I am the winter.

He's bringing me to that dream. It's different. Not want I wanted so long ago, but its still the same.

And all I have to do is take that one step forward.

But that step will drain me, and there won't be anything left, an empty void ready for him to fill.

I know I can love you much better then this.


Owari

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