Come Undone

3

Breaking the Girl

Weeks had gone by since my birthday.  The entire palace seemed to be lost in a somber mood, and I was no exception.  Though my engagement to Endymion had been finalized and wedding plans were already in progress, it didn't improve my worried state.

There was frequent contact between our troops and my mother, but not once had I been involved with them.  At times when I wasn't being measured or questioned concerning my wedding, I would take up position outside of the communications room in hopes of over hearing more news on the situation.  Much to my disappointment the transmissions were usually fed by Uranus and contained nothing more than battle strategies and progress reports.

I was so lonely here even though everyone surrounded me.  Endymion had gone back to Earth, though he would sneak a visit in once in a while, his visits however didn't seem to suffice the emptiness that continued to grow inside of me.  I'd spent long hours thinking to myself, contemplating my concerns and life.  A while ago I realized that the blunt of my pain came from the missing presence of Seiya.  I missed her. 

Is that wrong of me to say?  Was I really in any position to say that I missed my friend that I had treated so cruelly?  It stopped mattering to me as time passed and my desire to see her grew ever stronger.  Regrets of how I'd torn the girl apart began to haunt me and I began to question every ounce of my own being.

Seiya had always been there for me, through the laughter and the tears, she was truly my most cherished friend… and I had done this to her, taken away her reason for living, as she put it.  I had always respected her and admired her for her strength, courage and for just being herself, but now… now that she was gone I slowly began to realize that it was something else.  Did I have feelings for her, those other than friendship?

With these new thoughts the entire situation was turned upside down in my mind.  I denied them at first, pushing them to the side and laughing about them later.  Funny thing though, the more I pushed them away the more my mind daunted on them.  Thoughts of the gentle touches that Seiya would lay upon me crept back to the forefront of my subconscious, I found myself reminiscing about that knowing stare that I would find myself sucked into every time she looked at me.  At one point in time I even thought of what it would have been like if I could have felt her kiss.  What was happening to me?

"They've completely dissipated from our range your majesty."  Uranus' voice came through on the transmission, the sound crackled a bit and it seemed as though contact could be lost at any time.

"Are there any signs as to what direction they could be heading in?"  The chief general spoke up from beside my mother and caused a frown to mar the wind senshi's face.

"No, we couldn't trace them…"  Her teal eyes turned down in shame, you could tell by her downcast that she had taken the mistake personally.  "With your permission your highness, we will be returning to the moon and inner planets to ensure your safety if indeed the decide to retaliate."

"Your majesty, such a move would not be totally out of the question, if they have evaded the outer limits so easily, there is a good chance that they could be at our door soon."  The chief general's mustache swayed back and forth as he leaned down to speak directly to my mother.

My mother sat in deep thought, contemplating all the information she had just been given.  Finally she stood.  "I have a bad feeling about this, my wish is for you to stay on the outer rim, they may just be trying to lull us into false beliefs."

"But your majesty, please, we are only thinking of your safety!"  His words sounded strained, disbelief was evident in his facial expression.

"As you wish my Queen."  Uranus bowed, accepting her orders like an obedient senshi.

"No, please Serenity."  The chief general cut in once more.  "Please reconsider your position here."

"My position is to protect my people, ALL of my people.  I do not need you to remind me of such matters."  The indignation of my mother's tone caused the well-decorated commander of the moon army to back down.

"My apologies."  He responded with a deep bow.  "Serenity, if I make one request though."  My mother nodded telling him he could go on.  "Please have Sailor Star Fighter return to us.  She is after all the leader of your personal body guards and I would feel safer knowing that she was here by your side."

My mother's face softened slightly as she nodded in approval.  Without another word she turned to face Uranus who was waiting patiently once again.  "Please inform Sailor Star Fighter that her presence is requested back on the moon at once.  I will expect another update by this evening."  Uranus' form bowed once more and my mother turned to walk away, ending the discussion.

·  ·  ·

My mother's intuition proved correct once again, and the enemy had indeed been waiting in the shadows of the outer planets.  The battle had begun once again.

The senshi that had remained on the moon to protect my mother and I were required to be on alert and transformed at all times.  I had not seen Fighter since she had returned from the outer planets and I honestly couldn't tell you whether or not I was avoiding her or if it was the other way around.  I suspected that by now she had undoubtedly heard about my engagement to Endymion.  Gods, just saying that gave me a nauseating feeling in my stomach.

I wasn't even sure if I could approach her now, not with what had been going through my mind lately.  Doubts and suspicions clouded my mind, coming up with every reason I could as to why I should just keep this to myself.  What if she didn't feel the same?  What if she looked at me as if I was the most disgusting thing on the face of the moon?  I don't know if I could deal with that kind of rejection.

What was worse though was the thought of her actually accepting my affection.  Could I be with her knowing that I didn't deserve her after all I had put her through?  It didn't matter, she loved Endymion, that much was clear… and here I was, the one that was engaged to him.

"I'd come home hoping to see your smile and I find you in such a state instead?" 

Immediately I spun around from my view of the grounds before me, there, clad in the black enamel fuku that every Starlight wore, stood none other than Fighter.  My doubts were pushed aside and as if I couldn't control my own limbs I began racing towards her to wrap her in a hug.  I felt her taller frame take me in and her arms encapsulate me.  Such warmth…

"Ne Odango…"  I hadn't heard the nickname in ages and smiled up at her as she broke away from me.  "… I came to say congratulations on your engagement to Endymion."  There was a small smile on her face, though I could see that it was forced.

I felt the blood drain from my face at the mere mention of the engagement, of Endymion, of the reminder of what I'd done to her.  "Fighter I…"  My words were lost on me and I couldn't begin to express to her my sorrow, regret and longing all at once.

"Is that the reason for the upcoming ball?"  She asked more and more of her mood fading with each passing second, she seemed almost as uncomfortable as I did with the subject matter.

I shook my head slowly.  "No, my mother just thought that the kingdom needed a distraction from the war, everyone is so uptight around here it's frightening."

"The war will be over soon, don't worry about it."  She tried to comfort me, but I could tell by her tone that she didn't truly believe herself.  Fighter had seen the enemy and the battles that had already taken place… she knew what was coming.

My head hung low.  A feeling of insignificance washed over me as I thought about Fighter and my other senshi fighting so hard to protect me while I just hid in the background.  "I was scared that you wouldn't be coming back."

A cocky smile graced her features as a new mood settled in on her.  "I'm hurt, did you really think a couple of minions could take me down?"

"Fighter I'm serious!"  I didn't appreciate her sarcasm and jokes right now.  I had been truly worried about her and she just passed it off as though it was no big deal.  "I was really worried, I thought I'd never see you again."  I couldn't help it, damn tears came to my eyes anyway.  Perhaps I was too sentimental for my own good.

"… and would that have been a bad thing?"  She asked lowly, her eyes locked with mine.  "To not have ever seen me again, would that have been a bad thing?"

My eyes shifted back and forth searching, trying to read her face.  How could she be asking this of me?  Of course that would be a bad thing, I loved her damn it!  I gasped outwardly, I loved her?  "Yes… that would have been a bad thing."

"Why are you crying Odango?"  She asked, taking a step closer to me, once again taking me into her arms.  I couldn't hold it in any more and began to sob freely into her chest as she held me to her.

"I'm just so confused…" I sobbed, ready to tell her all about my troubles, all about my pain of regret for what I'd done to her, about my feelings for her and Endymion.  "I don't know what to do…  I'm sorry… I'm sorry…"

"Serenity?"  Endymion's voice broke through the moment and my racked sobs stopped momentarily.  "What's the matter, are you all right?"  And with that, before I knew it, Fighter's presence left me and I was standing alone facing Endymion.

Fighter bowed before making her way towards the door.  "Excuse me, I must be getting back to my watch." 

I watched her go, knowing that I should have said something to stop her, but nothing escaped my lips.  There, before me, stood Endymion.  I had the feeling as though I wanted to smack him at the moment but refrained.  After all, what had he done wrong? Nothing, I was the only monster in this situation… and I didn't deserve either of them… I should have just let them be happy together, they at least deserved one another.

·  ·  ·

Once again, a scene that happened all too often here, was displayed in front of me.  The grand ballroom of the moon palace was flooded with fancy ball gowns and decorated tuxedos.  One would never suspect that we were in a time of war by the splendor that was wasted on the occasion.

I found myself in the middle of the room being spun out in a rhythmic dance step by Endymion.  He was adorned in his usual black tuxedo that he wore to such things, if he was allowed to dress in normal attire, I wondered if the other senshi had been given the same leave.  I couldn't help myself as my eyes began to wander over the guests of the evening, seeking out the same fire red dress that had captivated me the last time I was in this situation.  To my dismay it was no where in sight.

Instead of their usual princess robes, I saw my friends, my senshi guarding each door diligently in their sailor fukus.  Again my heart sank and I looked down at my ball gown.  They were all princesses too, but yet I was the only one to be allowed to enjoy the freedom of being protected and not having to fight.  Just once I wish I would have been able to take up ranks with them, to fight along side of them… I wanted to protect them all.

My mother had been late in arriving at the ball, I could only assume that Uranus' transmission had been later than expected and had kept her.  As she walked through the doors I saw her senshi bodyguards flanking her as well, with Fighter taking the lead.

I hadn't realized it but my feet had stopped moving and I found myself standing in the middle of the dance floor completely motionless.  Endymion's questioning brought my back to reality and caused my attention to come around to him.  "What was that?"  I asked, not having heard a word he said.

"Are you alright?  You seem as though your mind is somewhere else."  His eyes held concern for me and I felt bad.  Here I was in his arms, thinking of another.  The relationship I'd forced upon him had gradually turned to love… but now it was a love that I did not desire.  I cursed myself once again for my indecisiveness.  No longer only thinking of myself, I felt the pain that my actions were going to cause Endymion in the future as well.  This needed to come out in the open.

"Endymion…"  I started and had noticed that the music had stopped, before the orchestra began a new piece I took my opportunity to take him aside.  "… I need to speak with you."

"Am I in trouble?"  He winked down at me, not knowing the seriousness of the situation at hand.  I just smiled up at him and shook my head before he led me off the floor.

Our journey brought us once more to the same place of his bumbled proposal, I thought that he might be particular to this spot.  On my out however, I had stolen a glance over at Fighter beside my mother and caught a glimpse of the aggravation in her eyes.  Was she going to hate me for this or would she be happy with the turn of events?

I had my doubts of Fighter and I continuing a friendship after this point.  The thing that had driven us apart, even my trying to repair it could drive us further apart.  What if she detested me once I ended up breaking Endymion's heart?  Then again, she could be content with Endymion walking away with a broken heart, and then she would be free to pursue him once more… but what would happen to me?  I'd be pushed into the shadows and forced to watch the two together.  It was a slim chance that Endymion would want me around after what I had to say to him, I would have, in a sense, pushed myself out of both of their lives in the end.

"What did you want to talk about?"  He turned to me, a tinge of seriousness in his voice.

I felt the lump in my throat grow and struggled hard to push it back down.  This was it, the moment of truth.  I had to tell him, I couldn't keep leading him on.  "Since the war had started my mind thought of nothing else but my friends and their safety."

"I understand that."  He spoke, cutting me off.

I raised a hand to him, signaling that wasn't all I had wanted to say.  "Please, let me finish."  I took in a deep breath, we were all alone outside beneath the stars.  "I thought about my life and everything that was important to me.  I realized things that I might never have known if this god-awful battle had never begun."  I couldn't read his expression, but I kept my head up high and looked him in the eye.  "Endymion, I cannot marry you."

He stayed silent for a moment and this in itself scared me more than if he had broken out in an outburst.  "Can you at least tell me why… I thought we were in love…"

I couldn't hold my head up any longer, it dropped down so that my chin nearly touched my chest.  "I… I love someone else."  After the words had escaped my lips I felt a huge weight lift from my chest.  I forced my head up to look him in the eye, feeling that he deserved this at least.  I wasn't afraid of what he had to say, I deserved whatever he dished out upon me.

"You love someone else?"  He asked turning away, his hand coming up to his forehead in contemplation.  His body was set in motion as he turned and paced, not going anywhere.  His hand slid down his face as though he were wiping the aggravation away.  "When did this happen?  Did you ever even love ME?" 

He was hurt and rightfully so, but hearing this now would be less painful then down the road when we were married.  I was thankful that he hadn't raised his voice, most likely to avoid drawing attention to our situation.  "I… I don't know, I suppose I've always loved them… and only realized it when they were gone."

"Did you ever love me?"  He asked again in almost a plea, hoping that my answer would be yes.

"Yes, I think I did." 

"Just not as much as him?"  He asked coming up closer to me.  I felt a bit intimidated at first but his comforting hand on my shoulder led me to believe otherwise.  "I understand."

"No you don't… err, I mean you do?"  I was still stuck on the fact that he thought it was another man, that my problem was in no way as huge as it really was.

"Yes I do.  You know, I never really got over my first love either."  I felt my eyes widen in shock, he wasn't going to say what I thought he was?!  "Being with you though took my mind away from her, it felt good to have your feelings finally reciprocated.  Unrequited love is a burden and as much as I tried to leave it behind, I know that Seiya will always be in my heart."

Tears came to my eyes as I looked up at him incredulously.  What fate would have it that we were both in love with the same woman?  "You really love her don't you?"

He only nodded slowly.  "I regret everyday that goes by for not telling her too."  Silence surrounded us once again.  "Serenity?"  My head picked up to look at him.  "Do you think that things between us could ever work out… in the future I mean?"

I shook my head as silent tears rolled down my face.  "I don't know Endymion… maybe."

"Then I've still got hope!"  He smiled and straightened up.  "Come on, you're missing your own ball!"

"That's it?"  I tried to dry my face. 

Endymion turned around to face me once again with a puzzled look on his face.  "What else do you want me to say?"

"You're not mad with me?"  I asked, fearing that if I brought up the thought he would indeed become angry with me.

He shook his head, his ebony locks shifting slightly, as he came up before me.  "I'm not mad at you, true I'm mad at the situation, but not with you.  Just promise me one thing ok?"  He asked as he kissed my forehead.  "Take a chance at your love and don't hold it inside.  I've thought long and hard which would have been worse, the pain of rejection or just the simple pain of never saying anything."

I only nodded and stepped into his embrace as more tears began to flow from my red-rimmed eyes.  I had to tell Seiya, he was right.

The sound of bombs brought my head back up from his chest.  An amber light filled the night sky off in the distance… we were under attack.

·  ·  ·

There's only one more chapter left…