Since ffn is supposed to be down next week, I'll put this up early.  A little holiday cheer.

Sometimes when I try to write something funny, it ends up a little depressing as well.  I don't know why.

Kirk vs. Valentine's Day

Spock often had trouble understanding human holidays.  Very few seemed to have any logical correlation between the name and the day's method of celebration.  Memorial Day, for example, apparently served the function of reminding people to buy shoes.  Even Federation Day, presumably celebrating the creation of the Federation, only prompted Earth people to roast animal meat over open fires and consume large quantities of food outside during thunderstorms.  That was not logical at all.

Valentine's Day, of course, was no exception.  What made this particular day somewhat more confusing was the dissention among his crewmates as to the meaning.

Kirk had been casually bringing up the topic in conversation for days.  It was quite obvious this was his favorite holiday.  The day was February 14 by the old-style calendar, and Kirk, Spock, and McCoy were sitting at a table in mess hall, eating breakfast.

"If I am to understand correctly," Spock began, "today is Valentine's Day."

"Yes," Kirk replied, with a question at the end of the word.

Spock hesitated a second before continuing.  "Unless I am mistaken, I have not seen any evidence that either of you have acknowledged it."

"Here's one holiday I refuse to celebrate!" McCoy announced loudly, scowling over his coffee cup.

Kirk smirked at him.  "That's just because you don't have a special someone to celebrate it with, Bones."

"Oh, and where's your special someone, Romeo?"

Spock quirked an eyebrow, but Kirk and McCoy ignored him.

"It's really Valentine's Night that's more important, isn't that right, Doctor?" Kirk explained.  He smiled, a bit smugly, if one were to ask McCoy.

McCoy glared at the captain.  "So, how's your Valentine's Night shaping up?"

Kirk tried to shrug nonchalantly.  "Well, I'm still debating over who I want to spend the evening with."

"With whom, Captain," Spock corrected automatically.

"Oh, you're trying to decide, too?" Kirk responded mildly.

"He's still debating," McCoy complained to the air.  Spock glanced at him, as if wondering who he was talking to.  "Well, I know who I'm spending it with.  Scotty!"  He lifted his coffee cup to drink.

Heads turned, not just those of the captain and first officer.  Spock's eyebrow went up again.

"Scotty?" Kirk said thoughtfully.  "Doctor, I never knew!"
            McCoy put the cup down again and looked around, bewildered at the attention directed toward him.  "What?"  It suddenly dawned on him.  "Oh, no!  Scotty and I are opening up a bottle of Scotch and forgoing the whole damned thing.  Romance!" he sputtered, "who needs it?"

"I do," Kirk said.  "For one.  How 'bout you, Spock?"  Kirk raised his eyebrows at the Vulcan expectantly.

Spock looked back impassively.

"No," Kirk concluded with a nod.  "Okay, Bones.  I should get going."  He stood up.  "Have a good night."  And then, with a conspiratorial smile, "I know I will."  Then he left, practically strutting, as cocky as he could be.

McCoy scowled after Kirk.  He turned to Spock.  "You know, there are times when you should be thankful you're a Vulcan."  He stood up and stalked out the door.

Spock picked up his breakfast tray, and those of his crewmates, and took them to the disposal.  He commented to himself, "Feeling gratitude for being what I am is illogical."

*   *   *

The next morning presented a similar scene in mess hall:  Spock, McCoy, and Kirk were eating breakfast together, as was customary, at least for the purposes of this story.

McCoy, despite a hangover, was in a relatively good mood.  Spock was in as good a mood as a Vulcan could be considered to be in.  Kirk was not in a good mood.

McCoy grinned at Kirk while shoveling a forkful of scrambled and replicated eggs into his mouth.  "How was your night, Jimmy?" he asked around the eggs.

"I hate Valentine's Day," Kirk muttered.

McCoy's expression was so sickeningly happy, Kirk wanted to wipe it off his face—with his fist.  "See, what'd I tell you?  I had a good time.  How 'bout you, Spock?"

Spock passed his eyes from Kirk to McCoy.  "That depends on what you mean by 'good time.'  If reconfiguring the auxiliary transtator qualifies, then yes, it was most productive."

McCoy blinked.  "Okay.  So I'm the only one who had a good time.  Me and Scotty."

"On the contrary—" Spock began, but was immediately cut off.

"Oh, you and Scotty!  Are you best buddies now?  Are you together?" Kirk said, tauntingly and loudly.

McCoy stared at him.  "You musta been really unlucky last night," he remarked.

Kirk glared back.  "Being a captain can be intimidating.  To some people, anyway," he added pointedly.

McCoy nonchalantly lifted his fork, with which he had just stabbed a large chunk of sausage, and waved it at Kirk.  "That's a surprise."  The sausage went into his mouth.

"In what area were you 'unlucky,' Captain?" Spock asked naively.

McCoy almost choked on his sausage.

Kirk turned his glare on Spock.  "Now, don't you start!"

"Unlucky in love, Spock!" McCoy finally spit out.  "Nothing you need to be concerned with."

As if on cue, Nurse Chapel entered mess hall then, with a rose and a box of chocolates in her hands and an ecstatic look on her face.  She came directly over to the men's table.

"I just want to thank you for this," she said to Spock, talking quickly and excitedly.  "I know you wouldn't celebrate this holiday, but it's so sweet that you'd think of me, anyway!"

Spock tried to hide his bewilderment, and would have succeeded if Kirk and McCoy didn't know him so well.  "I believe you are—"

McCoy grabbed Spock's arm so firmly and suddenly the Vulcan stopped talking.  "What he means to say, Christine, is that we've been teaching Spock all about our human holidays, right, Jim?"  Kirk just looked on with amusement, and some confusion.  "You might be surprised how willing a student he is."

Nurse Chapel ignored what was unmistakably a strange display.  "Well, you don't know what it means to me!" she said in conclusion.  She leaned over and kissed Spock on the cheek, then practically skipped away.

Spock straightened stiffly and uncomfortably.

"Well, what was that all about?" Kirk asked with a smile.

McCoy shrugged, "Oh, just a little traditional Valentine's celebration.  Secret admirer and all that."

"Doctor, she believes that I gave her a gift, which I most assuredly did not, and you allowed her to believe that," Spock protested with some consternation.

"Yes, Spock, I did.  And you're not going to say anything to oppose that," McCoy said warningly.

"Playing Matchmaker, are we, Bones?  And I thought you hated Valentine's Day," Kirk said.

McCoy feigned innocence.  "Now, what's this?  Just because I'm a doctor, and she's my nurse, you assume I'm involved somehow."  He huffed, putting on a good show.  "Stereotyping the entire medical profession.  Like we're some kind of cult or something."

"McCoy," Kirk began threateningly.

"Okay, it was me!" the doctor blurted.  "You know that insensitive Vulcan isn't going to do anything."  He jabbed a thumb in Spock's direction.  "And you know how lonely it is in space.  You want me to find you a match as well?" McCoy added wryly.

"That won't be necessary."  Kirk gazed wistfully into space.  "Lonely.  I know what you mean."

"I am not lonely," Spock inserted into the silence.

"Well, you should be," McCoy retorted.  "I'd like to know whose idea this blasted holiday was, anyway," he continued angrily.  "Like I need some kind of depressing reminder of how lonely my life is."

"Got that right," Kirk responded.

"If this holiday apparently causes feelings of extreme loneliness, why is it celebrated?" Spock asked practically.

Kirk and McCoy both turned to stare at Spock, favoring each other with a quick glance.

"That's a good question, Mr. Spock," Kirk finally admitted.

"Sometimes, Spock," McCoy added, "you're very lucky to be a Vulcan."