Chapter two

We walked into the kitchen, supporting each other as the reality of this dream or whatever it was, sunk in.

"I think we've both gone bonkers" Tania told me

"I agree"

"Have we got enough food?"

"Yeah sure, this is a dream after all, we'll have everything we need"

Making a breakfast for this many people was anything but dull. In the end I gave up trying to force the toaster to work and simply took two loaves of bread and dropped them on a plate. Tania was busy slicing about every sliceable thing in the fridge and throwing onto the largest plate we had. We finished the culinary masterpiece with several bags of fruit

"Are you sure they'll eat all this?" I asked

"If not we have an excuse to buy the food we like" Tania said dismissively, lifting the two giant plates

*

We re-entered the first living room to hear Gimli yelling a war cry. I narrowed my eyes as I could have sworn I saw something move out of the kitchen and down the hallway. Shrugging I shoved the plates at Aragorn and ran up behind the dwarf.

He had axe raised and was advancing on the defenseless computer, who was innocently beeping as it finished warming up

"Noooo!" I yelled. The red haired dwarf stopped for a moment, allowing me time to gingerly pull the large weapon of out of his hands from behind.

I laughed nervously "Ok, guys, if you wanna stay here in this nice safe world, you're gonna have to do some things for us"

Aragorn frowned "A quest?" he asked eagerly. Aisling was standing to the side, her nose wrinkled

"Not exactly" she said

"Yeah, first, we need you to disarm yourselves" I said. Legolas clung protectively to his bow "And then you need to take showers"

"Why?" Aragorn asked, looking nonplussed.

*

"Look, do you wanna get us charged for possession of a lethal weapon!" I half yelled. Tania glanced at me, and carefully placed the axe on a chair. Frowning, the warriors complied with our demand. Legolas walked up to me, I wrinkled my nose further, and handed me his bow

"And the arrows" I said, holding out my hand, begrudgingly he handed me his quiver "And any daggers, swords, and throwing stars you may have on you"

The amount of weaponry they actually had was amazing. Gimli had two axes, a dagger and a small sword, Aragorn had three daggers, a sword, and a short spear like thing strapped to his back

"And you too hobbitses" I said. Frodo warily handed over his elfin sword "I can see that knife in your boot Sam" I said sternly. Wide eyed, he handed me the small blunt looking weapon

"Ok guys..tuck in I guess" said Tania. They stared at her blankly for a moment. She sighed and took up a plate and shoved it at Legolas, "Eat" she said slowly

The effect was instant.

Suddenly a tiny gray figure leapt into the room, snatched up a handful of food and scurried away before any of us could react. I jumped and started after him

"No!" Aragorn caught my arm, but was not quick enough to stop Tania "Let us go, it might be dangerous"

Tania snorted "It's only Minime, he only knows kung fu" there was a confused silence. Running a hand through her hair Tania side stepped Legolas and headed down the corridor. Aragorn grabbed a blade and followed her. While Legolas stood in my path

"Do not walk into danger"

I scowled and bit into an apple that Sam had been eyeing.

*

I moved cautiously down the corridor, I was certain of what I had seen now. The cogs in my head were turning, so if Minime was here, then it was safe to assume that Dr Evil was also here, if not Austin Powers and a few of his girl friends. I shuddered at the thought.

I could hear a voice in the second bathroom, it was English, and sinister, in a weird sort of way. Suddenly a hand clamped around my mouth. My eyes widened and I elbowed my captor in the stomach and bit into his hand.

I heard Aragorn groan in pain and realized he had followed me

"Sorry" I hissed. He was bent double, groaning. "Well you shouldn't have snuck up on me" I hissed indignantly "Stay here, I'll be back in a sec" I paused to grab his sword.

Silently pushing the door open a crack I saw Dr Evil eating a pop tart and a slice of cold pizza that, as I remembered, was several weeks old.

"Very good Minime" he praised "Soon we shall gain control of the world using the strange tools here" I raised and eyebrow and very quietly shut the door.

Aragorn was standing right behind and as I turned I ran into him again

"Geezuz! Stop following me!" I hissed furiously, pointing at him with the sword. He very slowly took the point and pushed it away

"I would not let you walk into danger"

I sighed in frustration

"It's only Dr Evil and his tiny clone, just stay here and don't let them out"

He frowned as I stalked off

*

I looked up as Tania entered looking peeved. Legolas immediately stood up as she tossed Aragorn's sword into the pile of metalwork

"What of Aragorn?" he asked

"He's guarding Dr Evil" she said shortly, coming to a halt by a large couch the hobbits had taken up residence on.

"Hey!" Sam complained as she bent and lifted one end, starting to tip them all off

"Well get off then" she told them bad temperedly

*

I blinked suddenly as Legolas tried to peel my hands off the couch

"Let a man do this" he said gently. I elbowed him and glared angrily at Gimli, who had moved to the other end

"Not a word" I warned, heaving the couch up and dragging it to the doorway "Not one word, or I curse you all to hell" this seemed to do the trick as they both backed off, leaving me to huff and strain alone

I was glad the couch was narrow, it made moving it along the hallway a lot easier

Aragorn was still leaning against the doorway as I dragged the piece of furniture along, very glad the hobbits had found a new hole in the first living room.

"Give me a hand" I grunted

"What are you doing?"

I scowled "Locking Dr Evil in the bathroom" I said matter of factly

He frowned and looked as if he was about to say more when I shoved the couch upwards, he caught it and helped me position it against the door.

"Not even Minime's gonna get through that" I said, satisfied.

"Minime?"

I sighed "The tiny clone of an evil doctor, who knows several forms of martial arts, the makarena, and has a taste fir male flesh and is bent on world domination and general evil activities and who happens to hate his DNA donor's long lost brother, Austin Powers" I could have sworn Aragorn had gone cross eyed at some point "Ok that's that done" I motioned him to follow me and walked back out into the living area.

I was greeted with a bizarre sight. The three stupid hobbits had apparently decided that the cold meat was not satisfactory and were trying to build a fire on the carpet, and they were currently searching for kindling. While Legolas and Gimli argued the purpose of the computer

"I'm tellin' ya, elf! It's a monster. I seem ones like 'em in the mines all my life!" Gimli declared

"It is a seeing pool"

"Have you ever seen a seeing pool like that?"

"Have you ever seen a creature like that?"

I quickly stepped between the "How about we leave the computer alone and..um.help me get these dam hobbits under control"

Legolas glanced and realized that the carpet was beginning to smoke.

"We didn't do anything!" Merry said desperately, jumping back as a little tongue of flame shot up out of nowhere, Aragorn and Legolas jumped back, obviously amazed that a fire could spring out of the floor.

"Shit!" I heard Aisling say "Quick, get something"

I pulled off my dressing gown and threw it over the burning patch and jumped on it.

This seemed to work as the flame died, leaving only a large black patch on the carpet. I looked around to see Aisling return with a bowl of water that she threw at me, drenching me from head to foot.

I suddenly noticed, as I stood dripping all over the carpet with my silk pajama pants and my shoestring top clinging to me, my sodden hair in my eyes, that everyone in the room, besides Aisling (who was cringing and backing away) was staring at me.

"What? Ya never seen a chick gone for a swim before?"

They suddenly all blushed and Legolas, who was closest to me, looked at the ground. I looked down at myself, my top was still in place, my pants weren't see through

"What?"

"Well.it is just..you.you are..without your.robe" Legolas mumbled, indicating my dressing gown

"Well it's not as if it covered anything important" I growled. There was a long silence. "Fine! If it bothers you so much I'll go put something else on" I stomped over to the door, shot a filthy look at Aisling and headed up to the room I slept in, this being Aisling's house. I was suddenly very glad the lord of the rings characters had not chosen to take up residence in my house, my parents would think I was nuts and smoking pot and the fumes were affecting them, or some completely outrageous conclusion.

After a quick shower, with my hair in a towel I pulled on a light dress. Shoving my soaking pajamas in the laundry, the downside of being as lazy as me and Aisling meant that there very few clean clothes around, the laundry pile was currently my height and growing.

Needing some sort of normalcy I shoved as much as I could fit into the washing machine and poured some detergent in. Closing the lid I pressed the button and wandered back out to the living area, vaguely praying that when I got there that the lord of the rings characters would be gone and it would be all a hallucination from all the beer I couldn't quite remember drinking but must have done to have gotten so zonked.

I paused before climbing over the couch, wedged against the door, I could hear Dr Evil laughing evilly from behind the door of the other bathroom (Aisling's house, is massive) and the sound of an electric toothbrush. I sighed resignedly and stepped into the living area to be greeted by a blinding flash of light.