Chapter three
"OK people! This is it, the moment we've all been waiting for. At 8.35 this morning, we all stand on our desks, pull our pants down and present our asses to the teacher. And then we all yell 'suck my ass'!" There were hoots and war whoops as Cartman finished explaining his plan. The whole fourth grade class trudged into their room. Cartman took a seat next to Kyle and Stan.
The teacher prattled on for a while and Cartman watched the clock intently.
"Five, four three two one ha!" the clock hit 8.35 and Cartman jumped onto his desk, pulling down his pants and shouted "Suck my ass!" He looked around at his classmates, grinning, expecting to see them all on their desks. Everyone sat motionless in their seats. "Er, um." Cartman pulled his pants back on and looked around the class. "You guys are such fucking pussies!" he yelled.
"Excuse me, Eric. But that behavior is unacceptable in my class. Go to the principal this instant."
Cartman sighed, climbing off his desk. The teacher turned around and Cartman motioned for Kenny, Kyle and Stan to follow him. They snuck around the back and joined him on the other side of the door.
"You guys are such-" Cartman began. But exactly what they were, the others never found out. At that moment a blinding flash of light engulfed them and they were no more.
*
Vegeta roared and blasted forward. The giant cricket that was Cell turned and made to block.
Gohan blinked as a knee connected with his stomach and a ki blast singed his hair.
Trunks dodged the green tail and glanced at Piccolo, the namek was busy charging up a ki blast.
Suddenly there was a flash of light that engulfed them all.
*
I stumbled backward, suddenly a pair of arms wrapped around me, I heard Tania yelling and swearing, and then something else.
I sighed
Why me? Why me?
Why did every imaginary character have to come into our world screaming and ready to kill?
I looked up to see four saijins and a namek charging right at us through some sort of portal.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" I screamed, ducking. I quickly realized Legolas had thrown himself on top of me, next thing he shoved me under the table. I could still hear Tania swearing at everything in sight when four hobbits crawled in beside me
"You alright?" Sam asked me. I nodded, and glanced at Frodo, he was paled faced and silent. I reached over and touched his arm
"Listen, don't move" I crawled away, kicking back when some one grabbed my ankle. I straightened up to see Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, weapons raised, charging a bunch of Z fighters
"STOOOOOOOOOP!" it wasn't me who yelled though.
It was Tania, she was holding a broom and running at both of them. I could see each of the saijin raising their hands, ki forming in them. It was like time slowed down.
Tania leapt in between the two, raising the broom handle defensively against the DBZ characters and then spinning around to smack Legolas on the side of the head with her fist
"Owww" she complained, rubbing her fist "Now listen!" everyone froze at her commanding tone, people didn't argue with Tania when she was this pissed off
"No one is attacking anyone. I am Tania! She is Aisling! We. Are your hostesses, therefore, you do what we say without question! Or else we will turn you out. And believe me, this world is very dangerous; there are nuclear bombs and stuff and special effects that will scare the shit out of you. So SHUT UP AND STOP ATTACKING EACH OTHER LIKE BLOODY IDIOTS!!!" she screamed, red in the face.
The room was silent, as I came up to take the broom from her. She turned to me, breathing more evenly now
"We have a problem"
I nodded my agreement. She looked pretty drained, and I couldn't blame her
"I'll deal with the saijins and green boy, you find the fellowship here somewhere to camp out" I told her gently.
She nodded wearily "I'll stick them in here, I dunno, they'll have to set up a camp or something, and geez, go run a bath or something, they reek" She said, wrinkling her nose, for all around us was the smell of sweat and blood. Lovely. The pair of us weren't known for particular cleanliness, but there's only so much the nose can take.
I sighed "Yep. If we kept them apart maybe things will settle down"
"I wish"
"Right, you lot follow me and I'll explain" I told them briskly. Up until the point every fictional character had been staring at us, dumbfounded.
"I demand an explanation woman" Vegeta growled, breaking out of his trance
"Well then follow me" I said, beckoning
*
I sighed resignedly and turned to Aragorn, he was frowning worriedly at me
"Are you hurt?" he asked, taking my arm carefully, this chauvinistic attention was starting to annoy me.
I shook my head "There is such a thing as girl power in this world, and a slogan, it goes something like "girls can do anything,"" I sighed again "And judging by the current situation it's pretty safe to say it's being tested rather harshly" they just nodded dazedly "Looks like you guys'll be staying here for a while. So follow me, Gimli, stay here and don't let those bloody hobbits destroy anything, no fires, no monsters, and nothing in the room is dangerous if you don't touch it"
The dwarf man scowled seriously and bowed "I'll guard them with my life"
I shrugged and beckoned Aragorn and Legolas "I hope you guys know how to move furniture" I led them along the corridor and down into the basement, where there were a big pile of foam mattresses "Grab those and follow me" they complied and I led them back into the living area, left five in the second living room, where Aisling was doing her best to stop Vegeta from blowing up every object in sight, and then back into the first living room.
"Dump them there" I pointed at the floor.
The hobbits were huddled under the table. Frodo suddenly caught my attention. I knelt down in front of him, seeing the fear in his eyes. It occurred to me how scared he must be, even though he was just a fictional character
"Hey, listen, can you come with me for a second" his skin was pale and drawn. I smiled and offered my hand. Sam was staring at me suspiciously, I guessed I had scared them with my little display of skill with a broom "It's alright" I said softly.
Very slowly he took my hand and slipped out from underneath the table. I led him into the corridor, over the couch and into the laundry. There was a cupboard there full of sheets and blankets
"Can you help me with these?" I asked, he nodded, some of the color returning to his face. I could hear some cursing coming from Aisling's department. I sighed; she had her job, I had mine.
I pulled out a pile of sheets and dumped them in his arms, then took a load of duvets on my shoulder.
"Pillows.Pillows" I muttered to myself as I wondered. "Ah well, you can use cushions"
He was staring at me blankly, I ignored it and stepped back into the corridor. Again I stopped to dump a load of bedding off to Aisling, who was now trying to convince Goku that the stuffed bird on the wall was not edible.
It took me twenty minutes to make up seven beds and explain to the amazed fellowship that they were perfectly safe and they could indeed sleep in them when night fell.
Glancing at the clock, I realized it was well into the afternoon.
"Ok, now it's time you guys took a bath"
They stared at me blankly. Aragorn raised an arm and sniffed. Legolas raised an eyebrow "Why?" he asked blankly
I wrinkled my nose "Because if you don't. You're going to kill every life form within a hundred yards" they blinked. "Please?" I gave my best puppy dog face. Aragorn nodded and suddenly smiled
"To please the lady" he suddenly pulled off his shirt. Legolas scowled meaningfully at him and made a sort of gesture towards me. The word he mumbled sounded awfully like 'showoff'
"Direct us to a river" Aragorn said
My jaw had hit the floor the floor by this time. I stuttered incoherently for a second before my tongue, without really communicating with my brain, began to form words
"Umm.no..how about you just..use the bathroom"
"Bathroom?" they stared at me, nonplussed.
I nodded mutely, my eyes like saucers "Follow me" I said faintly
I took them to the upstairs bathroom, telling them very sternly to leave the various objects along the upper hall alone, and began my explanation
"Things are very different here, here you wash every day, you clean your teeth and you take a shower" I demonstrated by turning on the shower, the jets of warm water sending a fine mist over us all.
Their amazement was apparent.
"No questions just yet, this is a shower, you wash in it."
*
"Goku, please! Leave the bird alone!"
"But birds taste good!" Goku pouted. I growled and dragged him into the kitchen.
"Alright stay here, don't eat anything. Where are the others?"
He shook his head. "I don't know."
"Goku, you never know anything." I said exasperatedly
"Yes I do! I know how to fight!" He argued back. I ignored him and trudged back into the living room.
"Trunks, Vegeta! No sparring in the house!" I yelled desperately as father and son squared off, about to destroy half the room. Vegeta paused and glared at me.
"What do you want woman!" he growled. I glared back at him.
"Are you lot hungry? I know you won't be, Piccolo, but are you guys?" I asked. They all nodded. "Right, well follow me into the kitchen. Piccolo, you might want to come as well."
Vegeta folded his arms defiantly. "Why would I do that?"
I sighed and counted to ten, trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. I failed abysmally.
"Because I'm going to feed you, so get your sorry Saijin asses into the kitchen!"
They followed me in, Vegeta grumbling to himself. I seated them all at the table and looked at them menacingly "OK, I am Aisling, and my friend is Tania, who is currently upstairs. You were brought here, I don't know for how long. While staying here, you will be in the company of other.er.people. Don't hurt them, don't bother them and any strange noises you hear, ignore them, do as we tell you and everything will work out fine."
A long silence followed.
"What the fuck?" I said suddenly. Four kids, well.three kids and a fat blob had just wandered nervously into the kitchen.
"Ah, 'scuse me could we speak to the person in charge?" the lead one asked. But my eyes had traveled to the potato shaped blob
"Cartman?"
"Hey, she knows my name! You guys suck shit!" he laughed at his friends.
"Kyle? Kenny? Stan? What the hell are you doing here?". Oh yay, really, and here's little old me thinkin' it just couldn't get any better, but yet again little ol' pessimistic me always underestimates just how fantastic things can get. So yet again things get just peachy. Joy.
"Who the fuck are these little brats?" Vegeta asked angrily.
I turned on him. "They are cartoon characters, just like you!" I told him, jabbing him in the chest.
He growled. "I am no cartoon character, woman!"
I smirked, taking the chance to confuse him. "You're right, you're an anime character!"
He looked about to cuss some more, when Kyle spoke up.
"So, ah, what the fuck are we doing here, guys?"
I looked at him. He barely reached my knee. "I am Aisling, you were pulled here for some.reason. I dunno how long you'll be stuck here. So behave yourselves. You will be staying in the company of others." I turned to the Saijins and Piccolo.
"You lot may fight among yourselves, after we sort this out, but you are not to attack, or kill, I might add, any of the others. That goes for you too, Vegeta." I glared threateningly at the saijin prince. He growled but nodded. Suddenly, we heard a scream from upstairs. I turned to the Z warriors. "OK, you lot stay here. There's food in the cupboards and fridge, Piccolo, there's water in the taps, and you lot," I glared menacingly at the South Park kids, "stay out of trouble and don't touch anything." They nodded and I dashed upstairs to see what the hell Tania was screaming about.
*
I extended the bottle
"This, is shampoo" there was an awed silence "Legolas, stick you head in there" he stared at the shower dubiously "It's not going to behead you ya bloody baby" he narrowed his eyes at my insult and bent over, I turned the shower on again, he jumped but did not back out. I smirked, maybe aiming at their pride rather than below the belt was the best way to keep them in line
I leaned over, careful not to slip, and made sure his long hair was soaking before pulling him out again "Now sit down" I motioned the small stool, watching me warily, with water gushing off him in little waterfalls, he complied. I took the shampoo bottle and dumped a handful on his head and rubbed it in.
They gaped as the white suds expanded and grew in seconds
"It'll eat your head!" Gimli roared.
I rolled my eyes "It will not. It's cleaning it you bloody wimp" Gimli scowled, but kept well back. The Hobbits were hiding behind Aragorn, peering out every now and again with wide frightened eyes.
Once I was done-the suds had turned brown-I shoved his head under the shower again and put some conditioner in. When I finished that I roughly rubbed his head dry, taking out my frustration by giving him whiplash. I noticed by this time the other members of the fellowship were looking very afraid.
"And now comes the fun part." I said grimly "Bodywash." Legolas tensed. I grabbed the last bottle, then the purple pouf and wet it. "Just pour some of this stuff onto this thing"
Aragorn narrowed his eyes at the brightly colored fluffy looking ball. "Is that alive? What is it?"
"A pouf, you use it to make yourself clean so you don't cause the local vegetation to wilt when you walk past" I said matter of factly. They gave me another set of those looks; fear mixed with disbelief and the firm knowledge that I was nuts. I rubbed the pouf to bring out the bubbles and slapped it in Legolas's hand "Strip, get under the shower and rub the white stuff all over yourself. And then each one of you does what I just showed you, there's a pile of towels to get yourselves dry with in the corner" I pointed out the neat, pastel colored pile, then turned away. "And give me your clothes" I could sense them all blushing furiously as the sounds of material being shed and dropped filled the room "Put those towels around your waists" I ordered. A minute later and I turned around.
A bunch of half naked fictional characters clinging to towels around their waists greeted me with bright red cheeks. I bent down and scooped up the virtually steaming pile of clothing and did my best to remain alive without breathing. Before I left the room I turned the shower on again
"Take turns, one at a time, and dry off, I'll be back soon" I turned around, to hear Gimli's voice
"Ya smell like flowers elf!"
"Do not forget, you are next" I could hear the satisfaction in Legolas's voice.
I smirked "Oh, and Gimli" I called "Don't forget to do your beard properly" I heard laughter and smirked as I marched off down the corridor.
The next second I heard a scream.
Dumping the smelly pile I turned and sprinted back to the bathroom.
I threw open the door and screamed a cuss word "Fuck!" Aragorn, Legolas and Frodo were in a grappling heap, on top of a gray shape. "Minime!" I snarled. I grabbed Legolas by his wet hair and wrenched him back, Aragorn soon to follow. I was more careful with Frodo, I didn't grab his hair, I just detached his arms. Cursing like there was no tomorrow I caught Minime around the neck and latched a hand onto his collar. I straightened up, lifting him off the ground, all writhing twenty kg of him "Little bastard" I growled. Sam, Merry, and Pippin were standing in the bath, huddled against the wall. I glanced at them. "Look, it's alright, he can't hurt you now" At that point Minime bit my arm. "Little fucker!" I snarled, smacking him across the face, obviously he was not so well skilled at fighting females. He hung there dazedly while I spoke again. I noticed Frodo trying to hang onto his towel and the ring around his neck at the same time
"Frodo, come with me" I said softly. With that I walked to the door and dropped kicked Minime into a hall closet and slammed the door. I heard Frodo leave the room "The rest of you stay." I commanded.
It was at that point that Aisling came charging up the stairs
"What happened! Are you ok? What's going on? Why is Frodo in a towel?" she finished with a befuddled frown.
"Long story-listen, do you think you could keep the Z fighters in one room, and there's a certain tiny clone thing in the hall cupboard, can you like.tie him up or something?" I said quickly. She nodded, grinning at Frodo, I sighed and shook my head, have some standards girl, he doesn't make it to your elbow
"Who screamed?" she asked, still grinning at the tiny guy.
He suddenly smiled for a second "It was Sam, that.thing just ran in and.bit his." his voice tailed away. We both cracked up as the little hobbit winced and his legs came a little closer together. He frowned "What?" this only made us laugh harder
"I'm.sorry.it's just.Minime, he.likes to.bite" Aisling choked out.
I regained control of myself, I imagined we had scared these poor males to death several times over. "Sorry, come on" I scooped up the pile again and grinned at Aisling as she headed for the closet. I went more slowly, keeping pace with Frodo.
I descended the stairs carefully, I couldn't see where I was going over the stinking pile of garments. Coming to the laundry door I was relieved to find the washing machine was done with it's load.
Frodo stared around in wonder "What does it do?" he pointed to the innocently beeping machine. I dumped the clothes in his arms and opened the lid
"It washes clothes" I told him. He peered inside, as though expecting a monster to pop out "See?"
He nodded slowly as I pulled out the clean clothes and chucked them in the dryer
"And this dries them" I told him. Dumping as much as I could fit of the smelly garments in the washing machine, pouring in half a bottle of detergent and some bleach for good measure, I closed the lid and pressed the button. Frodo leapt back, still clutching at his towel. "It's ok, come on" I patted the faithful appliance and led the nervous hobbit to the kitchen. Ignoring the sound of booms and cuss words as I went
*
I ducked as a ki blast went flying over my head.
"STOP!!" I screamed. Vegeta ignored me, hurling another ki blast at a black streak "What the fuck do you think you're doing!!" I screeched. The poor defenseless cat screeched and leapt behind the couch as Piccolo suddenly whirled around and shot a ki blast at the streak of black.
The saijin prince and the tall namek, smirking, advanced on the couch form both sides. I watched, frozen in place. Both raised a hand, small balls of light forming.
"One," Piccolo began
"Two," said Vegeta
"Three!" they both yelled, over turning the couch.
"STOP RIGHT NOW YOU BLOODY ASSHOLES!!!" I screeched, the sheer volume made them wince and cringe, giving my poor kitty time to fly over the edge of the couch and launch himself at me. Clinging to me as if I were his only tie to life. And at that point, I probably was. "Now. The cat is not edible, nor is he dangerous, just leave him alone and he won't hurt you" I said, panting
"Then why did it jump on me" Piccolo snarled
"Because you were sitting in his seat. He just wanted to sit on your lap" I stated matter of factly
Piccolo gave me a disgusted looked, and Vegeta burst out laughing.
I sighed, still clutching my poor cat to my chest, and left them to their bickering while I went to sort out Minime. But not before I sent a warning glance at the four circular shaped kids sitting in the corner, eyeing up the grog cabinet.
*
I sat across from Frodo, he was wrapped in a dressing gown I had dug out of the washing pile, a mug of tea in his hands, staring at the still liquid
"Frodo, are you afraid of me?" I asked gently, he looked up, his face, pale as usual. He nodded slightly. I frowned "Why?"
"I don't know, I just have this feeling about you" he said, returning to fiddling with the mug
"It's ok, you can drink it, it's not poison" I said. He almost smiled
"Oh, thank you" he said softly
I smiled as he sipped the drink nervously "It's tea" He gave another one of those half smiles. I frowned, watching the ring around his neck "Why do you let the ring govern your thoughts?" I asked, he jumped. "Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anyone else, I don't think they noticed" I said softly. Frodo sighed in obvious relief
"It's taking me over, I don't know what to do" he said miserably
I thought for a few moments "If you want me to put it somewhere for safe keeping you only have to ask"
He nodded "I will"
I glanced at the clock and cringed, soon those saijins would be hungry
"And now it's time you took a shower"
The fear on his face was classic
*
Night crept up on us. Between Tania and me we managed to get the fellowship bedded down for the night, dressed in pairs of my Dad's pajama pants, (mine and Tania's trackpants for the hobbits). The Z fighters, somewhat quiet, Vegeta wanted to train, Goku wanted to eat (there was no food left in the house after the first assault on the kitchen) the south park kids lined up on the couch with the Z fighters, Minime tied up and stuffed into a cardboard box in a cupboard, and some relative quiet in the house.
I was completely drained when I sat down next to Tania at nine thirty
"I thought we'd never get some peace" as she said this the odd bang could be heard from the Z fighters' room, we had begun to tune them out already, and small holes and dents now looked normal in the walls.
"Uh huh" I agreed "I reckon we should sleep in the same room tonight, in case something else appears to destroy our food stores and gib board"
"I second that" she said sleepily
Walking beside each other, in our dressing gowns, one burnt and slightly damp, one ripped and torn, we stumbled up the hall, praying for some peace.
"OK people! This is it, the moment we've all been waiting for. At 8.35 this morning, we all stand on our desks, pull our pants down and present our asses to the teacher. And then we all yell 'suck my ass'!" There were hoots and war whoops as Cartman finished explaining his plan. The whole fourth grade class trudged into their room. Cartman took a seat next to Kyle and Stan.
The teacher prattled on for a while and Cartman watched the clock intently.
"Five, four three two one ha!" the clock hit 8.35 and Cartman jumped onto his desk, pulling down his pants and shouted "Suck my ass!" He looked around at his classmates, grinning, expecting to see them all on their desks. Everyone sat motionless in their seats. "Er, um." Cartman pulled his pants back on and looked around the class. "You guys are such fucking pussies!" he yelled.
"Excuse me, Eric. But that behavior is unacceptable in my class. Go to the principal this instant."
Cartman sighed, climbing off his desk. The teacher turned around and Cartman motioned for Kenny, Kyle and Stan to follow him. They snuck around the back and joined him on the other side of the door.
"You guys are such-" Cartman began. But exactly what they were, the others never found out. At that moment a blinding flash of light engulfed them and they were no more.
*
Vegeta roared and blasted forward. The giant cricket that was Cell turned and made to block.
Gohan blinked as a knee connected with his stomach and a ki blast singed his hair.
Trunks dodged the green tail and glanced at Piccolo, the namek was busy charging up a ki blast.
Suddenly there was a flash of light that engulfed them all.
*
I stumbled backward, suddenly a pair of arms wrapped around me, I heard Tania yelling and swearing, and then something else.
I sighed
Why me? Why me?
Why did every imaginary character have to come into our world screaming and ready to kill?
I looked up to see four saijins and a namek charging right at us through some sort of portal.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" I screamed, ducking. I quickly realized Legolas had thrown himself on top of me, next thing he shoved me under the table. I could still hear Tania swearing at everything in sight when four hobbits crawled in beside me
"You alright?" Sam asked me. I nodded, and glanced at Frodo, he was paled faced and silent. I reached over and touched his arm
"Listen, don't move" I crawled away, kicking back when some one grabbed my ankle. I straightened up to see Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, weapons raised, charging a bunch of Z fighters
"STOOOOOOOOOP!" it wasn't me who yelled though.
It was Tania, she was holding a broom and running at both of them. I could see each of the saijin raising their hands, ki forming in them. It was like time slowed down.
Tania leapt in between the two, raising the broom handle defensively against the DBZ characters and then spinning around to smack Legolas on the side of the head with her fist
"Owww" she complained, rubbing her fist "Now listen!" everyone froze at her commanding tone, people didn't argue with Tania when she was this pissed off
"No one is attacking anyone. I am Tania! She is Aisling! We. Are your hostesses, therefore, you do what we say without question! Or else we will turn you out. And believe me, this world is very dangerous; there are nuclear bombs and stuff and special effects that will scare the shit out of you. So SHUT UP AND STOP ATTACKING EACH OTHER LIKE BLOODY IDIOTS!!!" she screamed, red in the face.
The room was silent, as I came up to take the broom from her. She turned to me, breathing more evenly now
"We have a problem"
I nodded my agreement. She looked pretty drained, and I couldn't blame her
"I'll deal with the saijins and green boy, you find the fellowship here somewhere to camp out" I told her gently.
She nodded wearily "I'll stick them in here, I dunno, they'll have to set up a camp or something, and geez, go run a bath or something, they reek" She said, wrinkling her nose, for all around us was the smell of sweat and blood. Lovely. The pair of us weren't known for particular cleanliness, but there's only so much the nose can take.
I sighed "Yep. If we kept them apart maybe things will settle down"
"I wish"
"Right, you lot follow me and I'll explain" I told them briskly. Up until the point every fictional character had been staring at us, dumbfounded.
"I demand an explanation woman" Vegeta growled, breaking out of his trance
"Well then follow me" I said, beckoning
*
I sighed resignedly and turned to Aragorn, he was frowning worriedly at me
"Are you hurt?" he asked, taking my arm carefully, this chauvinistic attention was starting to annoy me.
I shook my head "There is such a thing as girl power in this world, and a slogan, it goes something like "girls can do anything,"" I sighed again "And judging by the current situation it's pretty safe to say it's being tested rather harshly" they just nodded dazedly "Looks like you guys'll be staying here for a while. So follow me, Gimli, stay here and don't let those bloody hobbits destroy anything, no fires, no monsters, and nothing in the room is dangerous if you don't touch it"
The dwarf man scowled seriously and bowed "I'll guard them with my life"
I shrugged and beckoned Aragorn and Legolas "I hope you guys know how to move furniture" I led them along the corridor and down into the basement, where there were a big pile of foam mattresses "Grab those and follow me" they complied and I led them back into the living area, left five in the second living room, where Aisling was doing her best to stop Vegeta from blowing up every object in sight, and then back into the first living room.
"Dump them there" I pointed at the floor.
The hobbits were huddled under the table. Frodo suddenly caught my attention. I knelt down in front of him, seeing the fear in his eyes. It occurred to me how scared he must be, even though he was just a fictional character
"Hey, listen, can you come with me for a second" his skin was pale and drawn. I smiled and offered my hand. Sam was staring at me suspiciously, I guessed I had scared them with my little display of skill with a broom "It's alright" I said softly.
Very slowly he took my hand and slipped out from underneath the table. I led him into the corridor, over the couch and into the laundry. There was a cupboard there full of sheets and blankets
"Can you help me with these?" I asked, he nodded, some of the color returning to his face. I could hear some cursing coming from Aisling's department. I sighed; she had her job, I had mine.
I pulled out a pile of sheets and dumped them in his arms, then took a load of duvets on my shoulder.
"Pillows.Pillows" I muttered to myself as I wondered. "Ah well, you can use cushions"
He was staring at me blankly, I ignored it and stepped back into the corridor. Again I stopped to dump a load of bedding off to Aisling, who was now trying to convince Goku that the stuffed bird on the wall was not edible.
It took me twenty minutes to make up seven beds and explain to the amazed fellowship that they were perfectly safe and they could indeed sleep in them when night fell.
Glancing at the clock, I realized it was well into the afternoon.
"Ok, now it's time you guys took a bath"
They stared at me blankly. Aragorn raised an arm and sniffed. Legolas raised an eyebrow "Why?" he asked blankly
I wrinkled my nose "Because if you don't. You're going to kill every life form within a hundred yards" they blinked. "Please?" I gave my best puppy dog face. Aragorn nodded and suddenly smiled
"To please the lady" he suddenly pulled off his shirt. Legolas scowled meaningfully at him and made a sort of gesture towards me. The word he mumbled sounded awfully like 'showoff'
"Direct us to a river" Aragorn said
My jaw had hit the floor the floor by this time. I stuttered incoherently for a second before my tongue, without really communicating with my brain, began to form words
"Umm.no..how about you just..use the bathroom"
"Bathroom?" they stared at me, nonplussed.
I nodded mutely, my eyes like saucers "Follow me" I said faintly
I took them to the upstairs bathroom, telling them very sternly to leave the various objects along the upper hall alone, and began my explanation
"Things are very different here, here you wash every day, you clean your teeth and you take a shower" I demonstrated by turning on the shower, the jets of warm water sending a fine mist over us all.
Their amazement was apparent.
"No questions just yet, this is a shower, you wash in it."
*
"Goku, please! Leave the bird alone!"
"But birds taste good!" Goku pouted. I growled and dragged him into the kitchen.
"Alright stay here, don't eat anything. Where are the others?"
He shook his head. "I don't know."
"Goku, you never know anything." I said exasperatedly
"Yes I do! I know how to fight!" He argued back. I ignored him and trudged back into the living room.
"Trunks, Vegeta! No sparring in the house!" I yelled desperately as father and son squared off, about to destroy half the room. Vegeta paused and glared at me.
"What do you want woman!" he growled. I glared back at him.
"Are you lot hungry? I know you won't be, Piccolo, but are you guys?" I asked. They all nodded. "Right, well follow me into the kitchen. Piccolo, you might want to come as well."
Vegeta folded his arms defiantly. "Why would I do that?"
I sighed and counted to ten, trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice. I failed abysmally.
"Because I'm going to feed you, so get your sorry Saijin asses into the kitchen!"
They followed me in, Vegeta grumbling to himself. I seated them all at the table and looked at them menacingly "OK, I am Aisling, and my friend is Tania, who is currently upstairs. You were brought here, I don't know for how long. While staying here, you will be in the company of other.er.people. Don't hurt them, don't bother them and any strange noises you hear, ignore them, do as we tell you and everything will work out fine."
A long silence followed.
"What the fuck?" I said suddenly. Four kids, well.three kids and a fat blob had just wandered nervously into the kitchen.
"Ah, 'scuse me could we speak to the person in charge?" the lead one asked. But my eyes had traveled to the potato shaped blob
"Cartman?"
"Hey, she knows my name! You guys suck shit!" he laughed at his friends.
"Kyle? Kenny? Stan? What the hell are you doing here?". Oh yay, really, and here's little old me thinkin' it just couldn't get any better, but yet again little ol' pessimistic me always underestimates just how fantastic things can get. So yet again things get just peachy. Joy.
"Who the fuck are these little brats?" Vegeta asked angrily.
I turned on him. "They are cartoon characters, just like you!" I told him, jabbing him in the chest.
He growled. "I am no cartoon character, woman!"
I smirked, taking the chance to confuse him. "You're right, you're an anime character!"
He looked about to cuss some more, when Kyle spoke up.
"So, ah, what the fuck are we doing here, guys?"
I looked at him. He barely reached my knee. "I am Aisling, you were pulled here for some.reason. I dunno how long you'll be stuck here. So behave yourselves. You will be staying in the company of others." I turned to the Saijins and Piccolo.
"You lot may fight among yourselves, after we sort this out, but you are not to attack, or kill, I might add, any of the others. That goes for you too, Vegeta." I glared threateningly at the saijin prince. He growled but nodded. Suddenly, we heard a scream from upstairs. I turned to the Z warriors. "OK, you lot stay here. There's food in the cupboards and fridge, Piccolo, there's water in the taps, and you lot," I glared menacingly at the South Park kids, "stay out of trouble and don't touch anything." They nodded and I dashed upstairs to see what the hell Tania was screaming about.
*
I extended the bottle
"This, is shampoo" there was an awed silence "Legolas, stick you head in there" he stared at the shower dubiously "It's not going to behead you ya bloody baby" he narrowed his eyes at my insult and bent over, I turned the shower on again, he jumped but did not back out. I smirked, maybe aiming at their pride rather than below the belt was the best way to keep them in line
I leaned over, careful not to slip, and made sure his long hair was soaking before pulling him out again "Now sit down" I motioned the small stool, watching me warily, with water gushing off him in little waterfalls, he complied. I took the shampoo bottle and dumped a handful on his head and rubbed it in.
They gaped as the white suds expanded and grew in seconds
"It'll eat your head!" Gimli roared.
I rolled my eyes "It will not. It's cleaning it you bloody wimp" Gimli scowled, but kept well back. The Hobbits were hiding behind Aragorn, peering out every now and again with wide frightened eyes.
Once I was done-the suds had turned brown-I shoved his head under the shower again and put some conditioner in. When I finished that I roughly rubbed his head dry, taking out my frustration by giving him whiplash. I noticed by this time the other members of the fellowship were looking very afraid.
"And now comes the fun part." I said grimly "Bodywash." Legolas tensed. I grabbed the last bottle, then the purple pouf and wet it. "Just pour some of this stuff onto this thing"
Aragorn narrowed his eyes at the brightly colored fluffy looking ball. "Is that alive? What is it?"
"A pouf, you use it to make yourself clean so you don't cause the local vegetation to wilt when you walk past" I said matter of factly. They gave me another set of those looks; fear mixed with disbelief and the firm knowledge that I was nuts. I rubbed the pouf to bring out the bubbles and slapped it in Legolas's hand "Strip, get under the shower and rub the white stuff all over yourself. And then each one of you does what I just showed you, there's a pile of towels to get yourselves dry with in the corner" I pointed out the neat, pastel colored pile, then turned away. "And give me your clothes" I could sense them all blushing furiously as the sounds of material being shed and dropped filled the room "Put those towels around your waists" I ordered. A minute later and I turned around.
A bunch of half naked fictional characters clinging to towels around their waists greeted me with bright red cheeks. I bent down and scooped up the virtually steaming pile of clothing and did my best to remain alive without breathing. Before I left the room I turned the shower on again
"Take turns, one at a time, and dry off, I'll be back soon" I turned around, to hear Gimli's voice
"Ya smell like flowers elf!"
"Do not forget, you are next" I could hear the satisfaction in Legolas's voice.
I smirked "Oh, and Gimli" I called "Don't forget to do your beard properly" I heard laughter and smirked as I marched off down the corridor.
The next second I heard a scream.
Dumping the smelly pile I turned and sprinted back to the bathroom.
I threw open the door and screamed a cuss word "Fuck!" Aragorn, Legolas and Frodo were in a grappling heap, on top of a gray shape. "Minime!" I snarled. I grabbed Legolas by his wet hair and wrenched him back, Aragorn soon to follow. I was more careful with Frodo, I didn't grab his hair, I just detached his arms. Cursing like there was no tomorrow I caught Minime around the neck and latched a hand onto his collar. I straightened up, lifting him off the ground, all writhing twenty kg of him "Little bastard" I growled. Sam, Merry, and Pippin were standing in the bath, huddled against the wall. I glanced at them. "Look, it's alright, he can't hurt you now" At that point Minime bit my arm. "Little fucker!" I snarled, smacking him across the face, obviously he was not so well skilled at fighting females. He hung there dazedly while I spoke again. I noticed Frodo trying to hang onto his towel and the ring around his neck at the same time
"Frodo, come with me" I said softly. With that I walked to the door and dropped kicked Minime into a hall closet and slammed the door. I heard Frodo leave the room "The rest of you stay." I commanded.
It was at that point that Aisling came charging up the stairs
"What happened! Are you ok? What's going on? Why is Frodo in a towel?" she finished with a befuddled frown.
"Long story-listen, do you think you could keep the Z fighters in one room, and there's a certain tiny clone thing in the hall cupboard, can you like.tie him up or something?" I said quickly. She nodded, grinning at Frodo, I sighed and shook my head, have some standards girl, he doesn't make it to your elbow
"Who screamed?" she asked, still grinning at the tiny guy.
He suddenly smiled for a second "It was Sam, that.thing just ran in and.bit his." his voice tailed away. We both cracked up as the little hobbit winced and his legs came a little closer together. He frowned "What?" this only made us laugh harder
"I'm.sorry.it's just.Minime, he.likes to.bite" Aisling choked out.
I regained control of myself, I imagined we had scared these poor males to death several times over. "Sorry, come on" I scooped up the pile again and grinned at Aisling as she headed for the closet. I went more slowly, keeping pace with Frodo.
I descended the stairs carefully, I couldn't see where I was going over the stinking pile of garments. Coming to the laundry door I was relieved to find the washing machine was done with it's load.
Frodo stared around in wonder "What does it do?" he pointed to the innocently beeping machine. I dumped the clothes in his arms and opened the lid
"It washes clothes" I told him. He peered inside, as though expecting a monster to pop out "See?"
He nodded slowly as I pulled out the clean clothes and chucked them in the dryer
"And this dries them" I told him. Dumping as much as I could fit of the smelly garments in the washing machine, pouring in half a bottle of detergent and some bleach for good measure, I closed the lid and pressed the button. Frodo leapt back, still clutching at his towel. "It's ok, come on" I patted the faithful appliance and led the nervous hobbit to the kitchen. Ignoring the sound of booms and cuss words as I went
*
I ducked as a ki blast went flying over my head.
"STOP!!" I screamed. Vegeta ignored me, hurling another ki blast at a black streak "What the fuck do you think you're doing!!" I screeched. The poor defenseless cat screeched and leapt behind the couch as Piccolo suddenly whirled around and shot a ki blast at the streak of black.
The saijin prince and the tall namek, smirking, advanced on the couch form both sides. I watched, frozen in place. Both raised a hand, small balls of light forming.
"One," Piccolo began
"Two," said Vegeta
"Three!" they both yelled, over turning the couch.
"STOP RIGHT NOW YOU BLOODY ASSHOLES!!!" I screeched, the sheer volume made them wince and cringe, giving my poor kitty time to fly over the edge of the couch and launch himself at me. Clinging to me as if I were his only tie to life. And at that point, I probably was. "Now. The cat is not edible, nor is he dangerous, just leave him alone and he won't hurt you" I said, panting
"Then why did it jump on me" Piccolo snarled
"Because you were sitting in his seat. He just wanted to sit on your lap" I stated matter of factly
Piccolo gave me a disgusted looked, and Vegeta burst out laughing.
I sighed, still clutching my poor cat to my chest, and left them to their bickering while I went to sort out Minime. But not before I sent a warning glance at the four circular shaped kids sitting in the corner, eyeing up the grog cabinet.
*
I sat across from Frodo, he was wrapped in a dressing gown I had dug out of the washing pile, a mug of tea in his hands, staring at the still liquid
"Frodo, are you afraid of me?" I asked gently, he looked up, his face, pale as usual. He nodded slightly. I frowned "Why?"
"I don't know, I just have this feeling about you" he said, returning to fiddling with the mug
"It's ok, you can drink it, it's not poison" I said. He almost smiled
"Oh, thank you" he said softly
I smiled as he sipped the drink nervously "It's tea" He gave another one of those half smiles. I frowned, watching the ring around his neck "Why do you let the ring govern your thoughts?" I asked, he jumped. "Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anyone else, I don't think they noticed" I said softly. Frodo sighed in obvious relief
"It's taking me over, I don't know what to do" he said miserably
I thought for a few moments "If you want me to put it somewhere for safe keeping you only have to ask"
He nodded "I will"
I glanced at the clock and cringed, soon those saijins would be hungry
"And now it's time you took a shower"
The fear on his face was classic
*
Night crept up on us. Between Tania and me we managed to get the fellowship bedded down for the night, dressed in pairs of my Dad's pajama pants, (mine and Tania's trackpants for the hobbits). The Z fighters, somewhat quiet, Vegeta wanted to train, Goku wanted to eat (there was no food left in the house after the first assault on the kitchen) the south park kids lined up on the couch with the Z fighters, Minime tied up and stuffed into a cardboard box in a cupboard, and some relative quiet in the house.
I was completely drained when I sat down next to Tania at nine thirty
"I thought we'd never get some peace" as she said this the odd bang could be heard from the Z fighters' room, we had begun to tune them out already, and small holes and dents now looked normal in the walls.
"Uh huh" I agreed "I reckon we should sleep in the same room tonight, in case something else appears to destroy our food stores and gib board"
"I second that" she said sleepily
Walking beside each other, in our dressing gowns, one burnt and slightly damp, one ripped and torn, we stumbled up the hall, praying for some peace.
