Chapter four:

I smiled dreamily. Rolling over and yawning. The calling of the magpies on the roof alerted me to the fact it was morning. I grinned goofily, thinking of the bizarre dream I had. Funny, I had to wash Legolas's hair. And Aisling tied up Minime and stuffed him in a box. I curled up under the warm duvet and close my eyes again, ready to enjoy a nice long lie in.

One, full, beautiful minute of peace.

Then,

"WOMAN!!!"

"MISS TANIA! MISS AISLING!"

"HEY!! WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET SOME BREAKFAST ROUND HERE!!"

"MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

I fell out of bed.

My nerves sparked and jolted as they got louder and louder. I curled into a little ball on the floor as Aisling's curses alerted me to her awakeness.

I heard the screech of a cat and leapt up, tripping over Aisling and using her stomach as a springboard.

Aisling's house has three main stories, a basement and an attic, the ground floor has the games room, Aisling's mum's art studio and her dad's office along with a bathroom, known as the third bathroom. The second floor, where all the fictional characters were camped out, held a bathroom, known as the second bathroom, kitchen, two living areas and a small library. The third floor held several bedrooms and a bathroom, plus the master unit with it's own adjoining bathroom. The stairs second floor is reached through the ground floor and a set narrow staircase, and overlooked by a sort of balcony that adjoins the stairs to the third floor. There is a gym in the basement, and a double garage connecting to the house and a huge garden.

And it was over one of these nicely painted guard rails that I nearly fell when I was greeted with the sight that awaited me on the on the second floor.

The fellowship, the Z fighters, and the south park kids.

As soon as I appeared they all started yelling at once, not specifically yelling at me, except for Vegeta that is, they were just trying to be heard. I cringed and groaned, banging my head on the rail.

"Tania?" it was Aisling. I pointed.

Shortly afterwards we both had small round lumps on our foreheads.

Trudging down the stairs I took a deep breath. Raised my head, and marched over to Vegeta, who was yelling his head off. I puffed out my chest and opened my mouth

"SHUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUP!!"

There was silence.

"That's better" I said through gritted teeth. "So you want food do you?" they all nodded "Well then, since you guys ate it all, we'll have to go shopping, I want three volunteers to help carry it all, god knows we'll need a truckload" there was total silence. I scowled "Fine then, Legolas, Aragorn, you two at least look human, and Gimli, as long as you keep your trap shut and do what I tell you"

The three victims stepped forward, looking for all the world as if I had just told them I was going to wax their legs, which, come to think of it, wasn't all that bad an idea for punishments..

"Gimli, come with me" I said sternly. He gave a scared glance to the small frozen group before shuffling after me. I sent a despairing look at Aisling before leaving her to a bunch of hungry fictional characters.

"Where are we going?" he asked

I paused to send a swift kick into Minime's gut as he scooted across the hall, not really caring how he got out. "The bathroom"

He cringed.

*

I sighed and marshaled the complaining figments of our imagination in the opposite direction. The Z fighters were dressed in just about every pair of my father's and older brother's boxers in the house. The fellowship were wearing pajama pants from my father's collection, barring the hobbits, who had on mine and Tania's two, collective four pairs of trackpants. The four south park kids were swimming in their underwear and old t shirts. All barring the circular shaped ones were shirtless.

I sighed

"Come on" I grabbed Goku's arm, sinking my nails in and dragging him into the living room. Everyone else followed mutely. We seemed to be having a rather strange effect on the poor buggers.

Shoving them each into a seat and wondering vaguely what Tania was planning, I launched into the day's regime.

"This is how it's gonna work, I'm going to go and have a shower, you lot are then going to have showers as well. And I mean all of you" I said sternly, narrowing my eyes at the fellowship, they were cringing and shrinking away. I mentally shrugged, they'd get used to smelling like herbs soon enough, or else they'd start smelling of dog, because that's where they would be living, the dog house. "Then, you're going to go to your individual rooms, and stay there, making no noise and touching absolutely nothing without my permission, and you're going to remain that way until Tania returns. When, we will demonstrate the techniques of cooking, whereupon you will feed yourselves, and clean up. And then you lot are going to start fixing up this house. I want it spotless, the holes will be fixed, the floors will be polished and vacuumed, the tables will be polished, the windows crystal clear. Is that understood" I folded my arms and glared at them

"What makes you think I'm doing woman's work girl" Vegeta snarled, standing up and stomping up to me. I smirked nastily at him.

"Because if you don't you won't eat for the remainder of your stay, and also, I won't show you the gym, and I won't let you out of the house"

"You couldn't stop me" he said contemptuously

"Wanna bet, let's see how you deal with this little number" I jerked my head at Cartman "You want some respect, rear admiral salute kid"

"Yes mam" he said, making a small hand salute. He sidled up beside me, made an about turn, and bent over.

Vegeta snorted and drew his foot back. I closed my eyes and stepped away.

The next second I heard a thud and, "Suck my ass!"

Multiple thuds and groans followed.

When I opened my eyes, Cartman was waggling his ass at a room where only Goku looked no different. Aragorn, Legolas and the hobbits had turned their backs, looking afraid and disgusted.

Vegeta was out cold on the floor. Piccolo was slumped down against the wall, where he had chosen to lean, looking dazed and horrified. Gohan was staring, his eyes like saucers, his mouth working soundlessly, and Goku simply stared, looking nonplussed. Trunks was inspecting the grog cabinet, doing his best to ignore Cartman.

"Ha! I win! You guys suck shit!" Cartman announced, dancing around, his flab jiggling everywhere.

"For the love of the gods fat kid, put your pants on" Aragorn muttered, his back turned. I sighed and smirked at my petrified residents. I may as well get some free labor for my troubles. Maybe the hobbits could wash the car.

It took several minutes to get Cartman down from his perch on the grandfather clock, where he had continued to display his ample posterior until Goku hauled him down by the pudgy ankle.

It was then decided, with much cursing from all angles, that it would be best to keep Cartman tied up.

His friends weren't happy about this. And Kenny went so far as to kick Goku in the ankle. He blinked a few times and frowned down at the little orange triangle

"Did you say something?" he asked innocently. I was busy taping Cartman's mouth shut while keeping my foot securely embedded in Stan's stomach, as Piccolo sat on Cartman. It was incredible, the way he spread out, like one of those stress balls. Even beneath Piccolo's huge body, his edges, flattened and bouncy, still showed.

He did not seem happy about being gagged. This was probably because I had stuffed my sock in his mouth, which, after not being changed for twenty four hours, was pretty suspicious. But then, who can tell?

It was after this little cacophony, that I got the remaining house invaders under control. It seemed Piccolo could create walls with his mind, just as he could with clothing. I decided to make use of that once I had Tania for backup. I didn't envy her, dragging two stone age (Albeit it very hot) men, and a dwarf shopping (Which, Tania hated anyway) was not my idea of fun, and probably even less of hers.

But I had my own problems to tackle. Like ensuring violence was kept to a minimum while I tried to wake myself up from this dream. This was not how dreams were supposed to go, dreams involving a bunch of hot guys were supposed to be just that. Hot. They weren't supposed to involve potato shaped, ass presenting, fouled mouthed, insult slinging, bad smelling, shower fearing, world domination obsessed, medieval minded, sword welding, ki throwing, scowling, bad smelling, ass presenting.no wait.I already thought that. chauvinistic, profusely sweating, kitchen out cleaning FICTIONAL CHARACTERS WHO BELONG IN THE GARBAGE EATER!!!!!!!

The mental scream made me feel so much better. Dreams were meant to be nice, and cosy, not.this. This was no dream, it had the makings of a dream. But it just wasn't nice! It was all wrong! How could it go so wrong?

I whined inside my head for another few minutes before ordering them back to their individual rooms, told Trunks if he let his father move once he woke up, I would set Cartman free again, took the massive ball of duct tape that was the fat kid, put him under the kitchen sink, and went upstairs to take a shower.

I found total chaos.

"WHO THE FUCK DID THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!"

*

I tossed the shirt at Legolas

"Put that on"

He frowned and inspected it. I scowled and stomped over to him.

"Just do as I say and you won't get hurt" I jerked his arms above his head, wrinkled my nose slightly, these guys sweated way too much, and roughly pulled the shirt over his head, trying to ignore the nice eye candy underneath, it wasn't difficult considering my level of consciousness. Next I grabbed the hairtie in my hand and plaited his long golden hair. I would have cut it off had I not known how difficult it would be, when putting it under a hat would be so much simpler. I made sure to pull the now clean golden strands as hard as possible, he yelped and gritted his teeth, grimacing as I wrenched his head around, Macho pride has it's uses from time to time. Next, I produced a cap, pulled his new extremely tight plait onto the top of his head, and stuffed his skull inside it.

Then I tossed a pair of Aisling's father's jeans at him, they were several sizes to big, which is why I hurled a belt after them, ignoring his yelp when the buckle whacked into his eyebrow, and moved to Aragorn.

Aragorn was easy enough to dress. Aisling's father was a big guy, but her brother was too small compared to our house guests. So they had to settle for business shirts and jeans way to big for them. Gimli was another problem altogether. I had him wearing a pair of my largest baggiest shorts, amazed that they only just fitted around his waist, and made it to the middle of his calf, and a T shirt I had accidentally shrunk in the wash before all this nightmare started.

Gimli was furious with me. Legolas kept giving me strange looks. Finally, while digging through a pile of clothes in the middle of the second living room, I glared at him

"What?" I was still in my dressing gown, and not in the mood for their weirdness right now.

I turned and stomped off to my room to get changed after warning them on pain of the fat kid's ass not to touch anything.

*

The carnage began. The Z fighters ran for cover.

*

I scurried out of the house, ducking my head. The screams were getting louder. I had Aragorn and Legolas by the arm and I was kicking Gimli forwards in front of me. I only prayed she didn't see me leaving. The faces of the hobbits pressed against the window for a second before disappearing. Aragorn suddenly looked as if he were going to turn back before I caught him by the ear.

"There's no hope for them, save yourself"

He nodded, grimacing as I dragged him around the outside of the house. Legolas was giving sounds of awe every five seconds as he took in the gardens, the shrubs, the path, the fence, the small pond, the pool, the lawns, the outside of the house, with the occasional object slamming into it from the inside, and my state of dress.

"You are dressed as a man" he told me. I looked down for a second, then yanked them both into a crouch as a face appeared in the window. It was Gohan, clawing desperately at the glass before his fingers streaked across it in an attempt to hold on. Then his face disappeared.

"No I'm not" I told him, frowning. Gimli turned and inspected me

"Yes ye' are"

"Indeed, what is your purpose, are you hiding that you are a woman?" Aragorn asked, his eyes lingered on my form fitting T shirt "It is not working"

I growled in frustration, I kept forgetting the stupidity of their world. "Whatever, now we have to go before she comes outside and I have to listen to her scream for another three hours" this got them moving.

We reached the garage. I opened the electric door with the remote in my back pocket. My new lackeys 'ooooed' and 'aaaahed' as I shoved them into the car and leapt in the drivers side.

I just had to pray I wouldn't be stopped. I only had my restricted license. If a cop saw the three idiots in the back I was dead. I hadn't had time to show them how not to draw attention to themselves