Chapter Five: What shall we do with the drunken sailor?

I smirked dryly, watching my slaves mop up the waterlogged bathroom. Total Chaos, complete and total chaos.

"Oiy, Girly boy, you missed a spot" I barked at Trunks. With my bathroom destroyed I was in no mood to be diplomatic. He looked up and turned a strange shade of pink before dipping his head again to the work of scrubbing the tub. Ok, so the bathtub was not really all that dirty, but I might as well get some free labor out of his super human strength. Even saijins have their uses.

I had Trunks, Gohan, and the hobbits repairing the damage to the bathroom. While Piccolo sulked, and Vegeta and Goku watched TV. Their shift would begin in about half an hour. I could only fit so many maids in the room at once. I know I could have used the third floor bathroom, but since I was not going to have my house full of smelly men with bad attitudes, this one needed to be functional. The third floor was mine and Tania's sanctuary. And with Doctor Evil camped out in the other one (Three bathrooms are rather handy at times) this one had to be clean. Or at least functional. I scowled at The hobbits, who were discovering the wonders of the toilet all over again.

I was dreading when I would have to show them how to use it. My mind was not quite ready for that. Of course, if I could, I would leave that little task to Tania, that girl had no shame. Once she hsad run right into my older brother, she had just had a shower and was in nothing more than a towel, the impact had caused her to lose her covering. I walked in on it. I nearly fell over at what she said 'See something you like' my brother was gawking until I dragged him away by the ear. He blushed every time he saw her for months afterwards. Tania thought it was the joke of the century.

I perched on the edge of the bathtub, watching Gohan drying the floor with his ki, it was interesting to watch, I was glad the walls were water proofed, hopefully they wouldn't rot. But then, with my luck, they would probably be growing prehistoric animals by the morning. It was nearly eleven now, Tania had been gone since eight. In all honesty I did not know exactly when she had left. But I knew it must have been before I discovered the bathroom, because I couldn't find her when I did.

I scowled and gave Trunks a sharp nudge in the backside as he paused. He continued hastily. I sighed, this was going to take a long time.

*

I sighed and leaned back in the seat. The supermarket was a ten minute drive, something I was not familiar with, I preferred to go to the corner dairy and stock up on junk food, a two minute walk. But in this case major supplies were needed. Aisling's parents are pretty rich, they're both lawyers. They don't let her spend a whole lot ussualy but they always leave heaps behind when they go on trips. My parent's definitely aren't poor, I just prefer to get my own money, I bought my own car, the one I was driving right then. I sold articles and such to magazines, and earned a nice bit of cash from it. And seeing as I never had to take out of it for bills and such, I always saved a bunch. Aisling's parents always seem to think we'll get into trouble when they leave us alone and leave heaps of money to get out of it (As if we needed money, feh, how beneath us) it almost always got spent. But definitely not for what her parents intended. In this case it was in fact being used for vital food, but then, food for eleven fictional idiots who aren't meant to exist isn't something one usually plans for.

Legolas suddenly tapped me on the shoulder, he was leaning through the space between the front and driver's seats "Uhh, Tania, what is this beast?"

I smiled in spite of myself, driving along with the window down is quite calming as long as your slightly insane passengers shut up and pretend not to exist like they're supposed to "It's a car Legolas, it's not a alive, it's a machine it carries you places"

"How do you control it?" he asked, inspecting the glove box and suddenly falling through into the front seat, his head down under the dash. I reached down an hauled him out by the belt and waited till he got rearranged

"Put that on" I indicated the seat belt and clicked it, not taking my eyes from the road, it was clear, being a Sunday, but I wasn't taking any chances "You use this wheel, it's like a..erm.a cart, only the wheels go by themselves and you just use this one t control them. It has an engine that makes it all go" I mumbled. I knew a fair amount about cars, but I knew a more detailed explanation would be lost on him. "In this world everybody has cars" I said, pointing to a large green vehicle as it roared past us. Legolas stared out the window.

I suddenly saw in the distance, something I did not want to see. A checkpoint.

*

I stumbled through the door to find Vegeta and Goku arguing.

"I don't know why you give a dam Kakkarot, it's high time that overgrown turkey dinner was destroyed!"

"But it was big bird" Goku whined, his bottom lip sticking out and his eyes welling up

"Whatever, it was begging to be fried, so I did it a favor" Vegeta said nastily.

My eyes traveled slowly over the scene. And there it was. TV, my precious friend, TV. With a large smoking hole in the center. I screamed

I screamed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" tears began to rolls down my cheeks "YOU KILLED TV YOU FUCKEN ASSHOLE!!!" I screeched, charging at Vegeta. He caught my punch easily, but somehow I seemed to have gained inhuman strength from my grief and rage (Who knows? Maybe there's some saijin in me after all) for he did not, however, see my knee coming as I slammed it into his groin.

He certainly felt it though, and slumped to the ground, groaning, while I fell on top of him, pounding my fists into his face and chest. Not surprisingly, it had no effect whatsoever. So I got up still bawling sand cursing and yelling my head off, and delivered another ball busting blow, and again, and again, and again. I kept kicking him with all my fury until Trunks suddenly came in the door. Froze for a moment and appeared beside me and grabbed me firmly, groaning sympathetically when he got a good look at his father.

"Calm down" he locked his arms around me. I was seriously considering exploting this saijin weak point once again when Cartman wandered into the room.

"What the fuck is going on?" he asked, then his eyes fell on Vegeta. "Shit" he said.

Eventually Trunks released me. I sank to my knees, wailing over the loss of my dearest friend (Computer came net of course, followed closely by Tania)

"What's wrong?"

The hobbits had wandered into the room. I looked up at them, tears still streaming.

"They murdered TV!" I screeched, pointing Accusingly at Vegeta and goku, the consious one of the pair was trying to hide behind the couch. Which wasn't working, seeing as the remaining South Park kids were there. Muffled curses could be heard.

I realized suddenly, as Frodo slipped silently to the other side of the room. That Gohan has entered, and was following the little guy. I frowned through my tears

"Gohan?" I choked out miserably, giving a big sniff

"Huh?" he blinked and jumped when he caught sight of Vegeta, the vegetable head had passed out, apparently below the belt was a saijin's only true weakness. Delightful.

"What happened?" he asked, looking rather afraid "Who attacked Vegeta?"

Trunks scowled and pointed at me as I got up, still sniffling

"She did"

The hobbits and Gohan backed up fast. Frodo stayed where he was, taking in the out-to-it saijin, the young saijin, who was watching Frodo intently, the scared looking saijin, and the annoyed looking saijin, and the crazy sorceress chick, now standing by the strange black box, hugging it and weeping brokenly.

"Uhhh, I must go.take a shower" the last word tumbled out and he cringed, then rushed out of the room, I just saw Gohan follow him silently from the corner of my eye as I mourned TV, my oldest friend.

*

I smiled weakly at the officer "Good morning, officer" I said, trying to keep the quiver out of my voice. My knuckles were white as I gripped the wheel. On offense like this would mean a whole lot of trouble, especially if my passengers said anything stupid. "How's traffic been so far?"

"Good morning mam" he said nonchalantly. I swallowed, praying he didn't look in the backseat, Aragorn and Legolas were hiding in the legspace. I hoped to god they could hide as well as hobbits. "It's been slow"

I laughed a little nervously, "So, uh, you know that's a nice uniform" I said, reached out to touch his arm "Where do the make those, I can tell why cops make the best strippers" I smiled and fluttered my eyelashes, shifting my leg to kick Gimli while I leaned out the window, the dwarf had snorted in apparent disgust, he was stuffed under the dash. The cop stared at me for a moment before producing a breathalyser. I continued "You know I think it isn't the uniform, it's the man underneath, I'm so used to boys, I've always liked men better,"

"Breath here mam" he pushed the little device in my face, I puffed a little before continuing. Any minute now he was going to notice my passengers and demand my license and I'd be screwed.

"It's amazing how a real man can set off a uniform so perfectly, so." I inwardly steeled myself for the shame of what I was about to do "sexy, manly, enough to make a woman want to be rescued." I said breathlessly. I was always good ay acting. But stooping to the level of flirting was almost too much for me "Can I try on your hat?" I asked, my fingers were sliding up his arm. Inside I was cringing and screaming with the injustice of it all. Males are evil! Evil I say! And here I was making sure he got a view of the neck line of my T shirt. He gave me a withering look and removed his arm from my hand "What's wrong? Wouldn't you like to see me in that hat?.Just the hat" I added in a silky purr. Dammit, curse my creative mind, if that didn't do it nothing would. I suddenly felt a sharp nudge through my seat. Well you think of something better Aragorn! I'd like to see you pull off a hat. "You know, we could take this somewhere more, private" I was literally purring the words out now. To finish the job I ran my tongue over my teeth seductively. Geez.. I watch way too many movies.

He raised an eyebrow at me and took of his hat "Mam, please blow here until I tell you to stop, then you may go"

I nearly melted with relief, and puffed out all my air into the breathalyzer. He was never going to ask for my license? My god..all that for nothing. I nearly broke the sound barrier when I shot away. Thankfully he didn't come after me. Geez, now getting out of that one would have been more difficult. But to my great surprise, the cop had made me take the test twice, like he thought it was broken or something. I couldn't think why.

Gimli burst up and stared at me as I glared at the road ahead, my hands gripping the wheel with enough force to bend steel

"You sounded like a whore lass" he said, sounding rather impressed. Aragorn was sitting up now, stretching and groaning, it must have been pretty cramped back there for some one of his size.

"Call it a gift" I said through gritted teeth.

"Indeed" Aragorn said softly, hauling Legolas out of his predicament, stuck between the front and back seats. "You sounded very.practiced"

I scowled. "Acting is a focal point for me"

"So seem many other things" Legolas said, sounding quite awed. Well at least they knew who was boss. I scratched my forearm, all that effort, for nothing! And for a bloody, stinkin, breathalyzer wielding, old, cop! And I don't even like guys in uniforms! I complained inside my head for another few minutes, until I pulled into the supermarket carpark. It was then that I switched to drill sergeant mode.

"Get out, don't touch anything or go anywhere until I tell you" I said shortly, unclicking my belt and getting out of the car, and feeling about ready to run somebody down with a trolley. Three or four times over.

*

"EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" the foul sound jolted me out of my daydream. Minime had pounced on Sam. I cursed and jumped up. Trunks was trying to get out of the bath he had been scrubbing without falling over as I stomped over to the grappling pair and pulled off my belt. I caught Minime round the neck and buckled it tight. Trunks was trying desperately to keep his balance in the slippery tub as I straightened up, holding my jeans up with one hand and the belt/leash in the other.

"Now you little bastard" I snarled "It's time I sorted you out permanently" I moved to the door "Keep cleaning you lot, your shift isn't over for another ten minutes."

I slammed the door behind me and marched up the hall, on the second floor o my house there are about three large closets, they hold everything from sports gear to linen and serve as a place to throw things that don't fit anywhere else. This, after tying him up and gagging him with a about three socks from a smelly pile, chaining his hands with a pair of toy handcuffs, taping his mouth shut with the remaining two rolls of duct tape, roping his feet together with the old dog chains I found in the closet, shoving him in first one pillow case, then another and another and another, tying the top with a dressing gown cord, stuffing him a small box, wrapping it up in masking tape till it resembled a modern sculpture, stabbing three holes for air and hurling the box into the farthest corner of the closet and locking the door. Then I heaved a bookcase in front of it just in case. I sighed and went to the kitchen for a snack, it wasn't until I got there that I remembered we had no food.

*

I strolled down the aisle with my hands in my pockets, inspecting the items upon the shelf. Aragorn was pushing the trolley, still wearing the bemused expression that he had since I informed him of his position. Gimli was further up the aisle, frantically scaling the shelve in an attempt to reach what I pointed out before Legolas, smirking in a way very reminiscent of myself, reached over his head and snatched an armload, leaving Gimli's to slither to the ground and wait impatiently while I decided whether I wanted spaghetti with sausages or baked beans with extra sauce (I chose sausages in the end)

Gimli did not seem to find my careful thought about how far each item would go, how much money I had to blow on a bunch of idiots and how much ore I would have to draw from my account at all amusing. And found the need to tell me so. In a number of languages.

Eventually people started to stare, and a shelf stocker had the gall to ask me to control my son. My cure was simple; feign innocence, reach down and grab the heavy bugger by the waist, sit him on my hip and croon and coo and bounce the snarling dwarf till he was purple in the face. I was certain Legolas would spontaneously combust at any moment, trying not to laugh is so hard for simpletons. Aragorn just smirked in that quiet way of his and kept going, determined not to find it amusing. Which was probably a good idea, because as much as I was having fun torturing the little guy, I wasn't enjoying people assuming I was a mother. It's the mother of all insults. And had strong silent old Aragorn dared to laugh at me.well lets just say they would spend a long time collecting the pieces.

Gimli, already furious I had messed with his hair and beard so mercilessly (ah, the joys of a hairbrush and a pair of scissors), was livid. By the baking goods aisle Legolas was bent double. Aragorn staunchly looked away, his shoulders shaking. How easy it was to convince people that Gimli was my two-or-three-year-old-with-a-surprisingly-deep-voice-going-through-that- stage-son, but the maternal act was killing me. There isn't much worse than a sniveling brat in my eyes. And Gimli did a very convincing job of whining and making mumbling noises when I shoved a toffee apple in his mouth.

Aragorn gave me a disbelieving look as I hefted Gimli's weight a little higher on my hip, the little bastard was heavy. After a few moments of bemused staring, he sighed and leaned submissively on the trolley. I pointed to a stack of loo paper

"Get a bunch of those"

I was beginning to doubt I had enough money. The four large packages of loo roll balanced precariously on top of the pile. I went through my mental list, I knew I had to get about twenty kg of everything. I was sticking mostly to things I knew how to cook/prepare. I'm used to fending for myself a lot (Given my uncompromising refusal to eat with my kid brothers, they insisted upon hurling mashed potatoes at me. I wouldn't mind oh-so-much if I didn't always get saddled with the mess that resulted. It is NOT my fault that my fork rebelled. They should put warning labels on those things dammit!)

So I can in fact prepare a meal safely, not that I would ever admit that to anyone, those who knew me ran in fear from my oh-so-innocent-looking muffins.

I pointed out a jumbo sized tin of sliced peaches (Aisling liked them for some unknown reason, ick) while singing convincing lullabies to 'sweetykins' (Oh the humanity.) and smiling sweetly at the sparcely customers we passed. Thankfully they stared at me as opposed to dear old elfy and part elfy. The risk of anyone recognizing my three slaves was not large with Gimli and Legolas' hair hidden and all of them in street clothes it was minimized considerably. But it was still a risk. And I don't like risks that involve major press releases and scientific investigation. I was weird enough without having some science geek declare me anything but human.

The trolley was full now, I groaned; I did not want to prolong this experience any more than I had to, but I was only half way through my list.

Gimli was heavy, and I wasn't used to having something at least forty kg resting on my hip. Cement sacks were one thing, my shoulders could heave them around all day, but a bad tempered, foul mouthed, waist height dwarf who wouldn't stop wriggling was quite another.

"If you move, I will personally wax your legs" I told Aragorn darkly. I moved to stand next to dear old Leggy, shoved Gimli at him, and caught his hand. "Come on honey" I said through gritted teeth, arranging the snarling dwarf in the elf's arms. Poor Legolas looked like he would faint. "We need another trolley"

I twisted my waist a few times to loosen up my hips and squeezed Legolas' hand with bone crushing force. Smiling at him, I set my jaw, and dragged him forcefully back through the aisle, making certain Gimlikins didn't spit out his toffee.

Back through the aisles I frog marched Legolas. Through to the outside, where I took Gimli, leaving 'honey' to nurse the nasty bruise purpling on his chin, and dumped the dwarf unceremoniously in the trolley a young employee offered me. I winked playfully at him and skipped away, ignoring Gimli's mutterings as he fought for balance with the newest temperamental form of transport.

Legolas just gave me one of those looks and shrugged. Poor thing, probably thought I was nuts or something.

I linked my arm in his and discreetly elbowed him into silence as we retraced our steps.

Aragorn had dutifully done as I had commanded, leaning casually on the trolley, watching people pass. Of all my lackeys he was the most easy to recognize, his hair was still long and slightly jagged, he needed a shave (prickly, skins the knuckles more, uggh) and he was just like that. I was glad there were mostly older people shopping today, it only took one fanatic (Like Aisling say) to start it all off.

I detached myself from Legolas and shoved my trolley next to the original. The pile was swaying slightly, with that annoying force that loves to toy with us mortals before destroying our hopes and dreams and loves and passion and..ahem.on a regular basis. I balanced the load to about half, ignored Gimli's complaints that I was dropping things on him, and proceeded to drop them a little harder.

Food for the fellowship, myself and Aisling, and the south park kids I could deal with, but I knew from a lifetime of watching DBZ just how much saijins eat. And after going hungry for so long.I had no idea if just a table full would do it, there were five after all. Good thing I can cook rice. I pushed my trolley forwards, selecting several massive tins of each item I knew to be easy to cook. I had a feeling we would be using the barbecue for a while.

It took me another half hour to find all the food I could imagine we would need or want, and then I felt it was time I spent some money on myself and Aisling. In a separate shopping basket. Good quality, wholesome food went out the window. Four kingsized blocks of chocolate, all our favorite flavors, white, black forest, caramello, and dairy milk. Four large packets of chips, salt and vinegar, chicken, plain, and sour cream and chives. Several pottles of dip, two five litre tubs of icecream, French vanilla and chocolate. After knowing Aisling all my life, I knew all the foods she liked, all the foods she refused to let herself eat, and all the foods I could use to blackmail whatever I wanted from her with. Coke, Fanta, Lemonade, salted cashew nuts, jaffas, pineapple lumps, tangy apples, snakes, every other kind of chewable sweet under the sun, I got them all. Then I turned my attention to the bathroom, I knew it would be seriously understocked. Several jumbo sized bottles of cheap shampoo and about ten cakes of nice smelling soap. For the guys. Me and Aisling got the good stuff, large expensive bottles of bodywash, shampoo, conditioner, skin products for Aisling, a new pouf for me (The fellowship pulled mine apart in and attempt to discover how it worked) about twelve cans of men's deodorant (Oh dear lord thank you!) a new set of razors for Aisling, a number of combs and brushes (My brush was snapped in half thanks to Gimli) and four packs of gum.

I set Legolas to hauling what became two very heavy arm baskets and went through my thought list. I had all I could remember. I cringed, thinking of the amount of money I was going to have to part with. I'm a scrooge, I hate wasting money, and I hate wasting it on others. I'm not the most giving of people. I like having money, and to give up so much that could have bought so many things, for a bunch of non existent males was probably the worst way to lose my and Aisling's hard extorted cash.

The checkout was three aisles away when the trouble began.

*

I sniffed miserably, curled into a little ball on the couch that makes a feature in the guest room, it's essentially Tania's room anyway, she spends so much time in it, we practically live at each other's houses most of the time. In my hand was a drink bottle of water, I had been sipping at it for half an hour, trying to calm my hiccups and tears, I would have gone for alcohol had I not known getting drunk was about the dumbest thing I could do. My house was about to fall down, my best friend was possibly hours away, there was no food, and the second floor was full of insane assholes who destroyed tvs and wrecked living rooms and tried to murder computers and ate all the food and mauled innocent bathrooms.

Not to mention there was an evil doctor in the second bathroom while his evil cannibal clone ran around terrorizing the locals.

I hiccupped and took another sip, my hands were shaking.

Suddenly Tania's voice echoed around inside my head, it did this sometimes when I was too out of it to come back to life. Calm down, get off your ass, and do what you have to.

The actual wording involved a lot more shouting and much profanity, as Tania tended to say things. She tended to be pretty rough, and she stepped on a lot of toes. But Tania was always the strong one, I could handle some things, but the reality of how little control I had over the unpredictable bunch was beginning to sink in. Keeping them in line was Tania's department, organizing and planning was mine. Tania could think on her feet and adapt, though she tended to think of little else at certain times.

I sat up, holding my head. Then realized how badly I needed to pee.

*

I slumped over the trolley and moaned, the toy section.

Aragorn made a sound of pain as my fingernails dug deeper into his arm, he knew what was good for him though, and said nothing. My vivid imagination was envisioning the chaos. Dear God.

Gimli had discovered a game of paintball tag.

He ripped it apart and inspected the chest plate, before grinning triumphantly and pulling it on, it fit perfectly, or as close to perfectly as anything ever fit Gimli. Had I been watching this in some sort of spoof or internet clip I would have nearly wet myself laughing, in his baggy shorts and T shirt with his beard in two plaits pulled up around his head, and squashed under a giant floppy hat, trying to figure out what the gun did. He suddenly discovered the trigger, a small flash of color shot past and a blotch of bright green appeared on Legolas's rear.

Of course, it had to be dear old Leggy, it had to hit some one, in that particular place, and in this particular instance.

My wall of tension broke down and I laughed. I laughed so hard my knees buckled and I was steadily slipping off the support of my trolley, I didn't even stop laughing as I slipped right off altogether.

I made a sound of surprise, as Aragorn of all people, suddenly jumped around and caught me, not in that ladylike fashion you see in movies, where the guy sweeps the chick off her feet (note: Had he actually had enough of a deathwish to attempt this I would have started with his *at this point a large commotion is heard and a censorship squadron tackle the foul mouthed female and imposed a rating upon her fat ass, forcing her to amend her statement* grrrr.well, he would have suffered)

So in short, not in the glamorous movie star way. Hell no, he caught me under the arms as my feet went out from under me and I ended up in a backward C shape, with my bent knees an inch above the floor, Aragorn half bent over, trying to stop my face landing on his sneakers (Gimli was in a tiny pair of gumboots I had dug out of a trinket/memorabilia draw should anyone care) He pulled me to my feet, apparently surprised at my weight (Feh, I'm me, waddiya expect?) and sort of held me, while I giggled helplessly, my arms draped over his shoulders. I was red in the face by the time I regained control of myself, whereupon I shoved the chivalrous movie character away and turned my attention to getting extremely tense all over again. Legolas was pulling the second chest plate over his head, and Gimli was wearing one of the two helmets. He knew how the gun worked now. Oh dear lord, what did I do?

The first paintball whizzed into Legolas's chest plate, I gave a soft moan and started banging my head on the push bar of the trolley.

(A/N: I don't care whether paintball guns make a bang or not, I have no idea. Lets be nice and go along with it?)

Bang from me, Bang from gun, Bang from me, Bang from gun, Bang from me, Bang, bang, bang, bang BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!!!

Aragorn attempted to restrain my dazed self, while Legolas dived behind an arrangement of Barbie dolls. Poolside Barbie had several new hair colors by the time Gimli ambushed Legolas out of his shelter.

I fought Aragorn's grip, I wanted to bang my head, I wanted to keep buffeting my brain around until I died or passed out. The hypertension of the past two days was killing me. Eventually Aragorn won, holding me under the chin with one hand and pinioning both hands behind me. I could hear them, battling and yelling and firing, the next aisle along

"Why me?" I asked the sound proofed ceiling. With Aragorn's interference, I had given up hope of death or unconsciousness, so when I managed to shake Aragorn off, I stumbled dazedly around the corner. Right in time for Legolas to run straight into me. I'm pretty sure I passed out when I hit the ground.

Bad idea.

A/N: Woot, long chappie there huh? Reviews, reviews, reviews, reviews. The more I get the more I post.