Chapter six: Oh dear god

"GET BACK IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!" I screeched. Trunks looked down for a moment, to suffer a vicious punch to his jaw, I was amazed I could see them at all, but then things didn't work they way they were supposed to anyway. Why question it? And I had bigger problems "IF YOU WANT TO EAT YOU'LL GET THE HELL BACK DOWN HERE AND GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS!!!" I hurled my threat up at them.

They apparently didn't hear me.

I turned and leveled Gohan with a glare. "Neither of you moves, if you do, there will be no food at all, and you'll be keeping that squeaky voice of yours for a long time" I threatened darkly, I don't think the young saijin actually understood my threat of castration, but he knew well enough I was too frazzled to disobey.

My slight breakdown had done little for me except to make my face go puffy. I still missed TV.my dear friend.rest in peace.

I shuddered to think how Tania would react, her temper was so much more violent than mine, and much more easily provoked, an offence of this size.it would be bigger than my explosion over my wrecked bathroom. And I really like my bathroom.

But this was my house, and to hell with anybody besides me who was going to destroy it. This was my world, and for as long as I had to be, I would be boss.

Stalking down the porch steps, I reached Sam, who was inspecting my garden. He froze as my shadow fell over him. Cringing, he straightened up a little and glanced up at me. I folded my arms and loomed over him

"Get back inside" I said softly, no emotion in my voice.

He scurried away, taking Merry and Pipin with him, they bolted for the door, apparently fearful for their own well-being.

Gee, wonder why.

I scowled and turned back to the porch. I'm a good climber, Tania hates heights, not that her pride would let her back down from a challenge though. Climbing the house drain pipe is a specialty of mine. I scaled it furiously, frantic to get closer.to yell more effectively.before they put a hole in the roof.

I heard Goku calling after me to come down. I ignored him, hoping his fear of my wrath would keep him in place.

Standing on the roof tiles. I took a deep breath and screamed so loud my lungs felt like they were going to fly apart. Hell, I think I rivaled Tania.

"GET THE HELL DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW OR YOU WON'T WALK STRAIGHT FOR A WEEK!!" I roared, surprising myself with my own volume.

Vegeta suddenly came flying out of the sky, and slammed right into me. One word escaped my mouth as we both hurtled off the roof and into the unsupporting air.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!"

*

I drifted in black stillness for some time. When I awoke, it was not an entirely unpleasant return to consciousness. I discovered later Aragorn had ascertained I was not breathing, so a gallant shelf stocker had come to help. I found myself locking lips with a surprisingly cute boy about the age range I generally judged by. Unconsciously I actually half kissed him, that is, till I woke up. Then I shoved him so hard he went keeling over backwards and landed on the hard floor, taking Aragorn with him, who had been kneeling by my head. The next thing I saw were two pairs of sneaker shod feet in the air.

I groaned, holding my head as I sat up. Instantly some one tried to push me back down. I discovered it was another male, older mid thirties and not nearly so cute

"Try to relax, you're ok, if your husband here hadn't told called for help you wouldn't be so lucky" he said, apparently surprised at how difficult it was to make me stay still. I pushed his hand away and looked around, still not fully aware of what was going on. .

"What the hell..husband.?" I said, my voice a high pitched whisper. I noticed Legolas standing a little way back, the paintball gun still in his hand, Gimli beside him, both were pale, and trying very hard to look innocent and avoid my glare at the same time. I narrowed my eyes, as a vague idea that the blame lay with them registered in my mind.

Husband? What the fuck? A myriad of undesirable thoughts came to my mind at the thought of holy matrimony. No thanks, I'll stay a spinster.

I noticed Aragorn trying to untangle himself from the flailing boy and scowled suspiciously. A number of people were gathered around, watching with wide eyes. Shit.

"Why the hell did I pass out?" I demanded, grabbing Aragorn by the throat, he winced as my nails dug deep. I compulsively chew things when I'm stressed and my jagged, sharp, nails are the first victims. He made a choked sound and tried to speak, my thumb nail was pressing on his windpipe, I loosened my grip slightly to let him speak. Only just.

"You fell.hit your head" he choked, I let go and watched him rub his neck gingerly. I can be a little rough at times. Aisling's about the only person I don't intimidate fifty percent of the time. The rest of it, I tend to be pretty crazy. That percentage had increased greatly in recent times, I had to be crazy if I was trying to choke fictional characters to death.

A few moments later my sense of self preservation kicked in, I got slowly to my feet, trying to keep my balance, and glaring murder at Aragorn when he tried to take my arm. I turned to the man and smiled apologetically, wondering if I was looking any greener than the sparkling water mermaid Barbie fish tail. Hopefully not too much.

"I'm very sorry about all this, thank you for your help" I shot a smile at the now standing boy, he blushed and looked at his shoes. "And I'll pay for the game,"

Searching for an explanation to their stares, I thought quickly

Publicity stunt? No, too messy. Charity fund raiser? No, too many questions. Super powered superior beings trying to mess with us all? No, too obvious.

Ching ching! A lightbulb appeared above my head. Lightning struck my brain. It was perfect, watertight. And so fitting.

"You see I work with the mentally disabled," I waved a hand at Legolas and Gimli, they stared at me for a moment, then realization dawned. They both gave me indignant scowls. I almost felt sorry for Gimli, he had had the worst of the humiliation. He had been the one who got stuffed under the dash, he was the short guy, I did take his axe away. And he was the short guy.

My sense of pity ticked over. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Meh.

I continued regardless.

"This is my..partner!.Jeff," I suddenly stepped beside Aragorn and put an arm around his waist, jerking tightly enough to force all the air out of him, he made a sound of surprise as I forced a large smile "This is sort of an outing, just to give our charges some time in the.outside world, if you know what I mean" I said meaningfully, indicating the double trolleys

"What are you doing?" Aragorn hissed in my ear. I tightened my arm

"Make it look good" I hissed back, through my smiling teeth. I tried to ignore the smirk he got as I continued (for it could only mean bad things.bad things are not good) "They get whatever they want"

I walked over to Legolas and patted his arm, noticing that Aragorn followed me very closely, "Come on now Bobby, we have to go"

I discreetly stomped on his foot when he moved to protest. He made a sound of pain, I sent an apologetic look at the people gathered and pushed Legolas to the trolley "Do you want to push the trolley?" I asked in semi baby talk.

My finger nails dug deep into his arm.

He nodded quickly.

Aragorn's arm suddenly went round my waist as I moved to pick up Gimli

"What the hell are you doing" I hissed at him

"Making it look good" he said smugly.

I knew he was enjoying this. Bloody hell.when I got my hands on.off.on..when I got out of here, he was going to suffer. For a very, very, long time.

"Well I think we had better be going then" I said, lifting Gimli up, shoving the dwarf, (who was cursing in what was apparently his own language) at Gondor's King, and moving to push the other trolley

"Thank you very much" I said brightly.

I noticed Aragorn staring daggers at the boy, who was staring at me still blushing (poor lad, can't have got some in a while). I smiled at him and grabbed Aragorn as I shoved my trolley away from the mini crowd, as quickly as humanly possible.

*

"FUKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!" the word kept repeating itself from my lips. Hurtling through the air, in what I realized was not a controlled flight, is most decidedly not my idea of fun. Nor was it my idea of taking control of the situation.

Vegeta, as I discovered, was not hurtling under his own power. We had rocketed right across the gardens, and were starting to lose height. The speed we were going I knew I wouldn't survive the landing. Especially with Vegeta landing on top of me.

I was screaming profanity at the top of my lungs when I slammed into something so hard it knocked the breath out of me, followed by a second impact that was Vegeta's heavy body. I was too dazed to realize I was being very gently brought to earth.

I looked up to Trunks peering down at me, his face the picture of concern and guilt.

He set me lightly on my feet and held me up as I stumbled. I whimpered hysterically and fell to my knees, kissing the earth, breathing in it's wonderful scent, vowing never to leave my dear earth ever again. Nope, never, never, never, never, ever, ever again. Not this girl folks, I'll keep my feet firmly on the ground, sirrey bob, I'll stick to walking, just like everybody else, no flying through the air with a zonked saijin prince on top of you. Nope, not for me. No thank you.

Then I turned my eyes skywards and clasped my hand in prayer formation

"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. I take back every nasty thing I ever said about you, if you were here I'd kiss you and hug you and squeeze you to bits" I gave praise to the lord. Forgetting the chance of me being religious was about the same as Tania bursting into tears. And if I have not alliterated this point enough, those chances are about as slim as Doctor Evil, Minime, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pipin, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Vegeta, Goku, Piccolo, Gohan, and Trunks to come barreling through large brightly flashing portals into this world and proceed to wreck everything.

No wait.that did happen.

Bad example.

Trunks stared at me, a bemused expression on his face

"Are you.ok?" he asked uncertainly. I turned to him and jumped to my feet

"You BASTARD!" I shrieked. He took a step back, I was precisely the same height as him, Trunks is actually quite short, not next to his father, but nothing like Goku, and a dam hobbit next to Piccolo. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs to their capacity, and let fly.

"You fucken stupid careless assholish imbecile BITCH! First you come charging into MY HOUSE, then you destroy my bathroom then you BLOW UP TV you EAT ALL the food! You make holes in my walls you wreck my garden you moon everybody you won't do as you're told you dare to restrain me you throw your father at me you stop me from doing the world a favor and gelding him you come from the future and do nothing at all your counterpart is a disgrace to DBZ in general you suck all round you barely make it to my waist you're not real you're insanely hot you never stop swearing you're fat and ugly and potato shaped you dance on grandfather clocks you're a tiny clone who tries to eat people you're forever trying to take over the world your evil laugh is crappy all the episodes with you in them suck there are like no good picture of you on the net nobody can think of a good fic about your sorry ass you have no tail you're impossibly shy you're big ugly and green with a bad attitude and you have to go and die in the Cell saga you ruined my bathroom my kitchen and you stole my other bathroom and you're obsessed with the one ring you destroyed all my illusions about how great all these characters are and most of all YOU SUCK SHIT!"

I stopped, panting,

Pant, pant, pant.

Can I breathe?

Nope.

Pant, pant, pant. Pant, pant, pant.

Can I breathe?

Nope.

Pant, pant, pant.

My face was bright red and everyone was cowering. I glared at the cringing saijin, kicked him in the balls, and stalked inside, slamming the door so hard the whole house shook.

To find the one person who could make it all better standing there

*

I stared at Aisling for a moment, dropped the four shopping bags in my hands and opened my arms. She jumped at me, muttering profanities incoherently. Had I not been so well versed in the vulgar arts I would not have recognized her mumbled speech.

I patted her back awkwardly. I'm not good at comforting people normally. But Aisling's about the only person who's allowed to hug me, so I can generally improvise for her. I sent a lethal glare at Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn, who shuffled past, leaving their bags on the floor and returning to get more.

Maybe they weren't as stupid as they looked.

.Hang on.what am I saying. OF COURSE THEY AREN'T!!!

They is stupider.

I broke apart for a second to scoop up two bulging bags, and then with them in one hand and the other arm around my best friend. I led her upstairs. Not really caring what our invaders were up to at that point in time.

Once we were on the third floor I took her to her room and sat her down. It took her a moment to calm down

"Better now?"

She nodded miserably "I just wish all of this would end, I just got thrown off a roof, and they." she suddenly gave a wracking sob

"They murdered TV" she whispered

The words hit me like a dagger through my heart. We both loved TV like a sister, she meant so much to us, even more than each other.

I cringed brokenly, fighting down the demonic howl fighting to escape my throat. I had to be strong, for Computer.and Aisling of course. They would both be devastated.

I reached into the bulging bag and pulled out a block of white chocolate "Feel like shamelessly reinforcing female depression stereotypes?" I said, waving the bar suggestively under her nose. She gave a little giggle and grabbed it.

To hell with the bastards. Now was time to prove just how a girl can put on six pounds in one day.