Non Sum Qualis Eram part 3
By Ecri
See Part One for Disclaimer and Spoilers.
**
Later That Day
The White House
Josh looked into Sam's office. Donna had said CJ was with Sam, so where were they? Frustrated, he was about to walk back to his office and ask Donna, when she came running up behind him.
"You know, when you ask a question, it might be a good idea to stick around long enough to hear the entire answer."
"What?"
"You asked where CJ was, while I was on the phone, I might add, and when I paused in my conversation long enough to say that she was with Sam, you dashed off. I had to wrap up the call and chase you down!"
"So where's CJ?"
"With Sam"
Josh looked pointedly at the empty office.
Donna continued without pausing. "at court. CJ's stalker is being arraigned today, and Sam wanted to be with her toI don't knowwatch her back or something."
"Watch her back?"
"Sam's a lawyer, Josh."
Josh's tone launched into what she termed his high and whiny voice. "I know he's a lawyer, Donna. CJ wouldn't need a"
Donna snorted.
"What was that?"
"What?" Donna, her message delivered, started back towards her desk.
"Thatsnort!"
"Joshua," Donna sighed with the air of a woman tired of repeating herself. "Do you not pay attention? CJ's stalker
"Hang on. CJ's stalker is appearing in court today?"
Donna glanced heavenward in thanks. "And it finally sinks in! She's known about it for almost a week. Third time's the charm, right?"
"Third time?"
"Sure, the arraignment got postponed twice. She finally made it as far as the courtroom today."
Josh didn't know what to say. He knew he should say something, but his mind was a blank. He hadn't known about the court thing. CJ hadn't told him. Had she told Sam, or had he just found out? Did Leo know? Did Toby? "I'll be in my office." He didn't wait for Donna to respond. He just went in and shut the door.
Sam had questioned his friendship, and here was proof that he wasn't just a bad friend to Sam. He was a bad friend to everyone.
"You idiot." He said it out loud because he felt himself slipping into a self-indulgent pout. He wasn't going to do that. He was going to fix this. He was going to make sure he became the kind of friend Sam wanted. He was going to be a better friend to CJ. He was going to be the kind of friend he used to be.
**
The Oval Office
Jed Bartlet handed the clipboard and signed letters back to Charlie. "What's next?"
"That would be me." Leo McGarry's voice came from the doorway between the two offices of the most powerful men in the United States.
"Were you listening at the keyhole, or is my office bugged?" Bartlet scowled.
"Yes, and yes, sir."
When Leo didn't say anymore, Jed nodded at Charlie. "Thanks, Charlie. Apparently, I'll be a little busy with Leo here for awhile."
Leo waited until the door clicked shut before addressing his friend. "Qumar's official investigation is over."
Jed's eyes narrowed. "What did they find?"
"Nothing. Their report indicated that the place was lost at sea, probably due to pilot error."
"What aren't you telling me?"
"Fitz says they know."
Jed Bartlet's eyes widened. "You just said their report"
Leo nodded. "Officially, they're listing it as an accident. Unofficiallythey know."
"For the love ofHow could they just know?"
"What they know and what they can prove are two different things."
"Don't give me that crap! Answer the question: how can they know?
"The same way we know what Shareef did. We couldn't prove that, either." Leo shrugged. "The same way we know that they know."
"If their investigation turned up nothing"
"There was no hard evidence to turn up. We destroyed everything."
"So you're saying what? There are spies involved here? They have agents high enough in my administration that they could be privy to"
"Fitz is working on it."
"I hope so!" Bartlet sat heavily at his desk. "So, what happens now? This doesn't just go away."
"Probably not, no, sir." Leo looked glum
"I thought not. Okay, Leo, if that's it..."
Leo nodded. "Thank you, Mr. President."
Jed sat staring at his desk, then, once again, he offered a silent prayer for forgiveness and for the strength to carry on. Raising his head and his voice, he called out to his aide. "CharlieWhat's next?"
**
At That Same Time
As CJ walked towards the courtroom, she wondered why she was getting more and more nervous. Not even nervous really, but scared. Why should she be scared? The stalker was in custody. It wasn't like he was armed and would open fire or start throwing knives at her as soon as she walked in the door. She wasn't a woman who was easily scaredwell, maybe snakes could make her nervous, but in general, she was strong, capable, and able to take care of herself. She could do her job. The thought brought other things to the surface.
"Why won't you let me do my job?" Simon stared at her, his brow furrowed in both anger and consternation.
"I'm not stopping you!" CJ glared at him as if he had broken his word by speaking.
"You sure make it difficult! No one's saying you're not strong enough to look after yourself, but, for God's sake, this is a stalker! It's my job to protect you! It's what I do! It's what I want to do."
She opened her mouth to throw a retort at him, but paused as his words penetrated her defenses. "Yeah."
He blinked in both in surprise by her quiet agreement, and in confusion about what it was to which she had agreed. "Yeahwhat?"
"Yeah, I do make it difficult. I grew up with brothers. I am a woman doing what is traditionally a man's job. I am" She made a vague gesture towards the ceiling. "tall." She looked down, suddenly insecure. "I'm accustomed to looking after myself. No one to lean on, no one to take care of me, no one to" She caught him off guard when she looked him square in the eye. "This makes me feel weak...helplessviolated. Out of control. I don't like it."
He nodded, and by the look in his eye, she believed he understood her. She could see he knew what she felt, and that he didn't think less of her for admitting it.
"CJ"
She smiled. "I thought it was Ms. Cregg, or Ma'am."
"I'm talking to you now as a person, but if you'd rather I could call you ma'am."
"Go on."
"Ma'am"
She smiled, smacking him playfully on the arm. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."
He smiled back, a dazzling smile that almost knocked her over. He looked down at her, and she again felt so much more feminine standing next to a man over whom she did not tower.
"CJ, I'm here to protect you. I'm not here to make you feel weak and helpless." His laughter painted a puzzled look upon her face. "I don't think," he continued, "anyone can make you feel weak and helpless! But, I am here to protect you, and if the thing I protect you from makes you feel a little afraid, that's okay. No one can be stalked and not be afraid."
She nodded. "You're here to protect me."
"It's what I do."
"It's what you want to do?"
The smile was back, but this time it touched his eyes, making CJ think she could see through them to his very soul. "I get a lot of pleasure from doing my job well."
CJ hadn't realized she'd stopped walking towards the courtroom until she felt a hand on her elbow, and heard Sam's voice, soft and gentle, in her ear. She shook herself, almost blushing, embarrassed by what she thought others would see as emotional.
"CJ," Sam whispered, his voice pitched low so only she could hear, and laced with concern. "It's okay. You're not alone."
She offered him a brave smile. "Thanks."
He offered her his arm, and she took it, hating herself for pretending, just for a moment, that he was Simon.
Together, they walked into the courtroom, the Secret Service agents surrounding them.
**
The White House
Office of the Communications Director
Toby watched CNN, wishing, not for the first time, that the media wouldn't cover court appearances. Sam had mentioned to him where he would be, and he had wholeheartedly agreed that CJ shouldn't face this alone. He wished she'd asked him to go along, but then, the entire staff couldn't take the day off for this.
He watched as the talking head, muted so he wouldn't have to hear the endless chatter, gestured to the building behind him. The image on the screen shifted to one of the stalker being arrested. The now-familiar footage showed the man, hands cuffed behind him, head down and covered by a denim jacket, as he was led to a car to be transported to the prison where he'd been held until the court appearance.
When the photo of Special Agent Simon Donovan appeared above the left shoulder of the returned anchorman, Toby flipped off the set. He wondered how CJ was doing, but knew he couldn't call. Not only because cell phones weren't allowed in the courtroom, but also because CJ probably couldn't handle more sympathy. He was glad that Sam had been the one to go with her.
When he'd first learned that Sam intended to go with CJ, he'd wondered briefly if CJ had asked Sam to help her, but realized that it was more likely that Sam had just decided to be there, knowing, or maybe feeling, that she shouldn't have to face it alone. He was always trying to make sure people didn't have to handle things alone. Toby thought it was because he was an only child. With no siblings running around vying for attention, getting in the way, torturing or being tortured, supporting or being supported, Sam had most likely had a very solitary sort of a childhood.
Toby sighed, running a hand over his head. He didn't know where all those thoughts had come from, but he was beginning to think he was turning into a psychiatrist. That unfortunate thought reminded Toby of Bartlet's wordsa Brooklyn shrink's office
He needed a shrink. Why couldn't he write? What had happened to the words? To his words! They had been his life. They had been in his blood. He had always been able to write. He had come to depend on it, to think of it as his right. It was part of him, like being Jewish or being from New York, or being a Democrat. Somehow, it was gone. He'd lost it somewhere, and he had no idea how to find it.
He picked up the legal pad on which his words had morphed into doodles. There was barely a decent phrase on the yellow paper, let alone a sentence or a paragraph.
Over the last several months, he'd been able, on occasion, to supply Sam with a good turn of phrase, or a vivid image, but that had been all. Toby shifted in his seat, leaning back and staring at the window that separated his office from Sam's. He still couldn't believe the kid was willing to cover for him in perpetuity. What was he thinking? That Toby was incapable of coming back from this? That Toby was some weakhe stopped himself, shaking his head. No. Sam had thought none of those things. Sam was trying to help. It was just
Toby jumped backwards away from his desk, startled by the ringing phone. Annoyed with himself, he picked up the phone, and, sounding even grumpier than normal, he shouted. "Toby Zeigler!"
The pause on the other end made him wonder if the caller had hung up. "Hello?"
"If that's how you answer the phone, it's a wonder you still work at the White House."
He recognized the voice immediately. "Andi? What did I do now?"
"Guilty conscience?"
"Conditioned response."
"I was calling to thank you for dinner last night. It was nice."
"Yes, it was." Andi had been the only thing in his life to go right these days.
"I'm glad you think so. Next time is my treat."
He hesitated, but didn't want to argue. "Ohkay."
She laughed, and he remembered in that moment why he had married her, and how it had felt to be her husband. They'd been together most of the summer. It had been like he'd remembered, except they went home to different houses. "There's something else you wanted?"
"Yeah, Toby, there is. I wanted you to know how much I've enjoyedus."
Toby sat up straighter. "Yeah?" He was afraid to say much more in case he said too much. Some of his fiercest arguments with Andi had seemed to spring full-blown from a crack in the sidewalk.
"Yeah. We should do it more often."
"Yeah?"
The laugh came again. "I've got the President's speechwriter reduced to monosyllabic discourse!"
Toby eyed the legal pad and the box of matches on his desk. "These days, that's not such a grand achievement."
"See you tonight?"
"I'll call you when I leaveand, Andi"
"Yeah?"
"I've enjoyed it, too."
They hung up, and Toby stared at his desktop wondering if this were what reconciliation felt like, or if he and Andi were merely going through some sort of phase. He smiled, leaning back in his chair again. Whatever it was, he was enjoying it.
**
Later
Outside the courthouse, CJ climbed into the Secret Service car, sliding over to make room for Sam. Ron Butterfield closed the door after Sam and climbed into the front seat.
Sam waited quietly not sure if CJ wanted to talk or felt more like riding in silence. She saved him from obsessing about that by speaking almost immediately.
"You were right."
"I was?"
"It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." She offered him a tentative, but honest smile. "What happens next?"
"His trial date will be set. I'll stay on this, if you don't mind—just to keep an eye on things. You may or may not have to testify depending on how they proceed."
"That's okay. I can handle it now."
"I never doubted it."
She looked at him sideways. "You didn't, did you?"
"Not for a minute."
"Thanks, Sam."
Sam's smile didn't hide the slight flush of embarrassment that tinged his cheeks. "You're welcome, CJ."
**
Late That Afternoon
The Oval Office
Sam watched Josh, Leo, and the President for any sign that they might support his proposal. When no one responded, he felt compelled to speak. "So, as you see, it doesn't provide the increase we'd originally discussed, but"
"I thought we had agreed to the 10% increase." President Jed Bartlet looked at each of his staffers, and only when Josh refused to meet that gaze, did he realize what happened. By then, Sam had already jumped into the breach.
"The 10% increase isn't going to do much good. We can help more people if we rewrite the"
"Sam, we're never going to get it to pass."
"I think we can. It's worth the fight, sir" Sam cut himself off when he saw the look on the President's face.
Jed turned to Leo. Leo nodded almost imperceptibly, then turned his attention to Sam. "Sam"
Sam recognized the tone. It was the same one Leo always used when he was going to tell Sam they couldn't do something. Sam started to talk. "Leo, we can do this. There's no reason not to do it!"
"Of course there are reasons not to do it! There are reasons to do it. We can't win this one. We'll be wasting time in committees and compromises and we'll eventually end up with the 10% package. Let it go."
Sam shook his head stubbornly. "No! Leo" He turned to Josh, but Josh only shook his head. He turned to the President. "Mr. President, frankly, sir, we haven't done enough for the elderly. They need this increase. We have to fight for it!"
"I haven't done enoughthat's what you meant to say, isn't it?"
Sam, realizing he'd been shouting, shook his head. "No, sir. Of course not. I"
Bartlet stood, prompting everyone else to stand as well. "We'll go with the 10% increase." He glanced at Sam, and reluctantly added, "It's the best we can do, Sam. We have bigger fights coming up."
Sam didn't speak. He heard Josh say, "Thank you, Mr. President," so he repeated the phrase himself before he followed Josh out the door.
"Sam"
"It's okay." Sam gathered his notes. "It's okay. It was a long shot at best."
"You did some good work on it." Josh wanted to say more, but that was all he could think of as they headed down the corridor together.
"Thanks, Josh."
The way Sam said it, Josh knew he was being thanked not only for what he'd said, but also for letting Sam try. Too often in the last few years, people had cut him off. The Staff had gotten used to shouting him down and not hearing him out. It had to stop. Josh hoped he would be able to see to it himself.
"Hey, Sam."
"What?"
"Thatthe way things wentyou're okay with it?"
Sam considered what Josh was asking. "Do you want to know if I agree with the President, or if I can live with his decision?"
"BothI guess."
They reached Sam's office and Sam ushered Josh inside. Josh was relived when he didn't shut the door.
"I don't agree with him, but he's the one who gets to make the call. What is this really about?"
Josh thought about pretending it was about nothingabout saying that it was nothing and Sam should forget it. But that's what the old Josh would have done, and Josh was just beginning to realize how much he didn't like that guy. "I wish it could have gone your way. I wish we could have done it."
"I know, Josh."
"You do?"
"Sure. I appreciate the chance to present my side, which I know you didn't have to give me, but if I couldn't convince the President, that's the way it goes."
Josh frowned, not liking the way Sam had put it. "This wasn't your fault, you know. You didn't fail in anyway. The President doesn't agree that it's the road we should take right now, that's all."
Sam nodded, smiling at his friend's verbal gymnastics. "Josh, it's okay. I'm not wallowing in guilt over this, and I am not offended or rejected, oranything. I disagree with the President, but it's neither the first, nor will it be the last time."
Josh looked at his friend in amazement, finally understanding. "You're okay with this."
"I said that."
"Yeah, but you really are."
"I still think he's wrong."
"I know you do." Josh grinned, and was ecstatic when Sam grinned back, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "Busy afternoon?"
Sam nodded. "Still working on the education speech. Toby's not happy with the latest draft." And I have to write a memo about Medicare for the President, he thought.
Josh winced. "Busy afternoonand evening!"
Sam smiled, and left the room, surprised that he and Josh had actually had a friendly conversation.
Josh, thinking much the same thing, and bolstered by it, headed to the other friend he needed to see. Approaching CJ's office, Josh turned to Carol. "Is she in?"
Carol nodded. "You can go in."
Josh did, easing the door, which stood ajar, open a bit further. "CJ?"
CJ looked up expectantly from the memo she was reading.
"I wanted to tell you" He paused. This was hard. "I meant to say" He stopped, not sure how to proceed, and wishing that, like Donna had so long ago, he could just say Sagittarius or something equally vague and have her understand him. "CJ, I know where you were today, and if I had known sooner, I'd have been there, too."
She graced him with a small smile. "I know. It wouldn't have been right for all of us to be there. Sam was there."
Josh laughed. "Of course he was. Sam's at his best when he's backing a friend. He does that a lot."
"He does."
"If you need another friend"
"I know, Josh. I know."
Josh nodded, and slipped out of the room.
**
To Be Continued
