This has to be, beyond a doubt, the most dead-on and hilarious Dr. Abbott characterization I have ever read. That I did not write (the hilarious bit should have been a clue). But take it away, Ivy!
Yea! My turn again! *Ivy starts dancing in her seat*. Too bad I'm so sick I could pass out with a fever of 103°. I'm good. What, me worry? Oh no, not I! I will survive, oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive… ah, sweet déjà vu. Didn't this just happen a week ago? It's like an on-again-off-again relationship with my tissue box. Oh well, I'm bored out of my mind, and I slept till noon, so basically it's 11:30 PM and I'm sitting at the computer… still. Why not be writing?
Chapter 3
Rose told me not to bother them. She made me promise before she left for the town council meeting. Why did I ever marry that woman?
I sat in my bedroom patiently. I didn't do anything wrong.
But knowing that my teenage daughter was throwing a Valentine's Day party was killing me. I mean, she had done it every year, but now she was a real, full-blown teenager, and to make matters worse, that Brown kid was coming. Amy I trusted, it was him who scared me to death.
I must have fluffed my pillows over ten times in the duration of two minutes. And I do not have obsessive-compulsive disorder, just love for my children…. And pity for the pour soul who lays a finger on my daughter.
I searched around my room for something to do. I made the bed. Military style, just like mother taught me oh so many years ago. Twice. I checked my to-do list. Everything was checked off. I checked my e-mail for any forgotten priorities. None. No mail, zero housework, no forgotten patients. Louise had taken care of them all. Well, God bless America.
I couldn't stand it. I sat in my chair and rocked back and fourth until I felt I would combust. I hurried to the door and tore it open as quickly as possible; just… a crack though. I felt like a madman. Which of course, I'm not. There's only room for one mad person in this town, and Doc Brown had already filled that position. The fancy-shmansy neurosurgeon. Oh how I loathed that man. Him and his kin.
And guess who was sitting next to my daughter on the sofa? The Devil's advocate himself. How had he gotten there before anyone else? The lazy son-of-a-… gun. Amy was wearing her flattering pink dress Rose and I had gotten for her a few months ago. He wore a shirt with the word "Rancid" on it and a jeans jacket. The jacket was new, but still just as disturbing as if he wore an old, beat up one. And, what is 'Rancid' anyways, I mean, besides him. I guess it must have been a description of himself. Maybe he wasn't as stupid as I thought. But who cares about that? He was sitting on the couch with my daughter, less than six inches away from her! Now, that is not the kind of boy I even want in my house! Much less at my daughter's 'L'Amoure' party! Who did he think he was, just marching on in here before anyone else arrived anyways? The President?
There is no way that boy is Republican. He doesn't have enough stature to thrive in my party. Much less, at my daughter's. But for some reason, she invited him.
I stared through the crack in the door I had made. They didn't see me, which was the point, at least until I had figured out what they were talking about.
Blast it. The stupid boy had to see me. He made eye contact and then leaned in to whisper something to my daughter. My daughter. My one and only precious female progeny. She laughed and turned to see me. She sighed her usual "Ugh, Dad! C'mon!" sigh and I walked out like I was the King of Siam. Again.
"So, children, having fun?" I smiled enthusiastically. As if I cared!
"Uh, yeah Dad. Just talking." Amy smiled too, but I knew she wanted me to go away. Like that was going to happen!
The Brown kid just stared at me. Was it fear? Was it anger? I hoped it was the first one… but I doubted it. From the things I'd heard of him, he was fully capable of going on a shooting rampage. I just hoped it would not come to that. I rambled on for a while about the party and the drinks and what the heck were my champagne glasses doing out here. They assured me it was Ginger Ale. Ok, well, fine. My own teenage daughter had beaten me. I could not scold her about anything. I had nothing to do. But this did nothing to assure me that this party was safe.
"So, uh, Dad. You know, you don't have to chaperone us." Amy smiled up at me sweetly from her place on the couch. I laughed, full and heartily. I knew it was fake, but no one else would be able to tell, I was sure.
"Amy dearest, I'm not chaperoning! I am merely going to sit outside to welcome the other party guests in!" I laughed again. That Ephram boy smiled weakly. I could have punched him in the face right then. But I restrained myself and meandered to the door. I rushed out and shut it behind me and sat on the porch. No one arrived. I must've sat for five minutes! Can you believe it?
And then I realized it… that was five minutes for Ephram to be alone with my Amy!
I rushed to the window and peered in. There they were, laughing, him wearing his evil, Devil smirk. I'd never forget that smirk. I was plastered there, watching my child be entranced by his evil. And then, suddenly, he leaned in. She leaned in! They were both leaning in! I stuck my face up against the glass to watch the downfall of my daughter! The ruthless boy! The ruthless, scruple-less boy! Oh, I would kill him! I would! And he leaned further… and picked up his champagne glass off the coffee table. I exhaled finally. No harm done, Harold, I assured myself. He's just thirsty. But I was paranoid, and paranoia does not go away like that. So I sneaked around to the back of my house. I walked over to the back door and devised my plan.
I opened the door slowly so it wouldn't creak. Nobody noticed. I tiptoed to the foot of the stairs. Nobody noticed. I scurried up the stairs. Nobody noticed. I had made it. I waltzed over to my eldest son's bedroom. Ah, Bright. He would save the day. I opened his bedroom door.
"Bright," I said quietly.
"Yo," he welcomed me in.
"So, son. I just wanted to let you know that tonight, you must demolish all your plans and chaperone at your sister's party." I said it quickly so that maybe he wouldn't understand everything I said, that way he would agree without knowing what he was agreeing to. No such luck.
He sat abruptly and spoke loudly, which scared the living daylights out of me.
"What!?" he yelled. "I have plans with Gemma!"
"What kind of plans?" I questioned. He squirmed uncomfortably.
"Big plans," I understood entirely.
"Ah… let me think about that…" I egged him on, although we both knew the answer. "NO."
"Why?" he boomed. I'm sorry to say this, but my son isn't the brightest bulb of all.
"Because I need you to watch Amy, and Ephram…"
"You mean the loser's here too?" he asked. In his words: duh!
"Bright! He's just… the anti-Christ!" Oh no. I had meant to say 'anti-social type'. I was ruined. Surprisingly, he laughed.
"Ok, fine. But Gemma's coming over tonight, and if you ruin it, or anyone else does, I'm leaving." We shook on it, and I descended back down the stairs just as quietly as before. I snuck out the back door and back to the porch. After about one minute, guests finally started to arrive. First, Page. She was hanging on some muscular guy who looked more like a male model rather then any high school sophomore I knew.
"Hello, Paige, come on in."
"Doc Abbott! I didn't know you'd be chaperoning!" she said nervously.
"I'm not, I'm just, observing. Bright has that covered." I'm just watching you all like hawks. The thoughts of 'Doctor Cool" swarmed in my head and scared me to death, but I was safe in my own house… I hoped.
She walked inside, and the boy tried to follow her, but I stopped him. "Grade?" I asked him.
"Sophomore," he answered. Yeah right.
"Student ID please." I saw him sigh and wince, and I actually took pleasure in this. Eating away at the baby-making vibe I could feel. He handed it to me. "Ah, so you're a senior. Tsk tsk! Now, what are you really here for, Sonny Boy?" Obviously after a few minutes, I had scared him off. But Paige was none the wiser, she was already chatting with my daughter. I watched Ephram scoot over some and in a few minutes, Page had occupied his seat and he was in the chair, across the room from my daughter. Ha! Take that!
But Amy looked weakened, as if it had taken away her power source. Her smile wasn't as bright, her personality didn't shine so. I was shocked! How could that boy make my daughter happy? It was inconceivable! He drank from his glass uncomfortably, and every few seconds, they would glance at each other out of the corners of their eyes. I could tell, I was observant. And there was Bright, watching them too.
In a little while, most everyone was here. Kayla was frantically searching for her secret admirer while Page searched for her date. Some people kissed, some hugged, others danced. It was nice. Later Gemma came, and then everyone was there. Everyone, except the one I needed most to be sure that Ephram would keep his hands off my daughter. Then, there he was, walking up the steps, welcoming me, and I ushered him inside quickly. Amy saw him.
"Colin!" she stood up and kissed his cheek when he went to her, and they held hands. But she still watched Ephram, and he watched her.
How could it be?
Did she like him?
Over my dead body!
