Convergence

Otherwise this stone would seem defaced
Beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders
And would not glisten like a wild beast's fur:

Would not, from all the borders of itself,
Burst like a star: for here there is no place
That does not see you. You must change your life.

'Archaic Torso of Apollo' written by Rainer Maria Rilke

"I'll get it mom..." Buffy called tiredly, taking her time to walk down the stairs. Once the knock on the door had sounded, she'd had to struggle into clothes and brush her hair. A few minutes more wouldn't make any difference. After the problems of the previous night she hadn't really been planning on getting up at all. But when she thought things like that a sick-guilty feeling settled into her stomach about her promise to visit Giles. And she was left wondering angrily why Spike should stop her from doing things. So she'd probably end up going after-all.

Buffy reached the last step and leant forward to open the door, apology ready on her lips. The daylight flooded her eyes for a moment, and left her blinking. It was about half-an-hour before she'd usually get up, that coupled with how late she'd stayed out last night was making her sluggish. When the figure in the doorway came into focus, the words 'sorry you had to wait' froze and died in her mouth.

"Xander." she said with surprise, then quickly nodded to turn it into a greeting.

"Hey Buff." Xander breathed, with a nervous smile, "Can we talk?"

"Uh... Sure." Buffy hesitated for a moment, wondering if they should hug in greeting. The idea was quickly dismissed and she moved aside to let Xander walk in, closing the door behind him. After a pause she turned and smiled, "Sorry to keep you waiting. I had -- clothes issues."

"Well..." Xander glanced at the plain jeans and t-shirt, "You look great."

Buffy made a noncommittal noise and moved to sit on the bottom step of the stairs. After a moment Xander perched next to her. He leant forward and placed his hands on his knees, as if looking for something to do with them. Buffy flicked a strand of hair away from her face.

"So... You wanted to talk?" she asked, finally. The humour of the situation didn't pass her by. Hours after her non-official break-up with Spike, the one person who had remained actively adamant against the relationship was sitting next to her right now. As if she didn't have enough negative opinions by herself.

"Yeah." Xander confirmed, "I want us to be friends again, Buffy."

"We are friends." Buffy said after a gentle sigh. It seemed like the summer-long hiatus had been broken finally, and now maybe things would go back to normal, the way they were supposed to be. They were friends, it wasn't a lie. Not really. But was Xander trying to make up now because he had heard about Spike, or because he'd finally gotten over it?

"Good. Then we can talk about things. Like Angel. And how bad he was for you. And Spike, and how bad he is for you." Xander watched as Buffy shifted uncomfortably, "...Except we can't, can we? Whatever my opinion is I've just got to keep my mouth shut and watch people hurt you. You keep telling me its none of my business, Will does, Cordelia does, hell even Oz does and you know how quiet he is... But seeing you so miserable is painful."

"Which is why you've not been hanging around with me much?"

"That's part of the reason, the other part is that you're always with Spike and he... gets on my last nerve."

"Yeah." Buffy agreed grudgingly, "But he does that with everyone."

"No, he doesn't. With everyone else its like he's flirting--" Buffy glared, "--teasing them, but with me its like he's... throwing down the gauntlet."

"Xander, you've hardly spoken to him at all when... he wasn't trying to kill us... how can you say that? In fact I think the only time you've exchanged words with him was when we came back from killing that cake thing."

"That's another thing! You go slaying with him now, rather than us. And hey, its not like I'm complaining about missing out on the killing and the maiming, but if we don't hang while you're slaying, when do we? "

"The Bronze, at school, before dark, Willow seems to manage it just fine." Buffy sighed and shifted around to face Xander, "Look, I'd love to hang out with you, Will, Oz, even Cordelia more, but I'm a Slayer. You knew that when you became my friend. So why don't you talk about what's really bothering you."

"Spike?" Xander questioned, as if making sure she was ready to hear that particular rant.

"Spike." she confirmed.

"You know how I feel about him." Xander avoided, he'd come here to make up and any talk about the bleached-wonder would probably just make things worse.

"No. Tell me. I want to know. Tell me he's evil. He's a killer. A demon. He's not worthy of me." Buffy watched Xander's reactions shrewdly, "Tell me to dump him."

"Buffy...." he sighed, "...If Spike is what you want... I can't... control that. I just want you to be happy. Want us to be friends."

"I already told you, we are."

"Definitely?" Xander asked, a small insecure smile playing around his lips.

"Yeah."

He pulled her into an awkward hug, which took a few minutes to become comfortable. Buffy felt a pressure lifting from her shoulders that she hadn't noticed before. Xander didn't mind her being with Spike. Her friends accepted her choice. But the freeing experience was shot down by the fact that her relationship was probably over now. She'd not decided. She hadn't thought Xander's approval would mean so much to her, but it did. Made her want to reconsider. She thought about telling Xander that because of his visit she was now thinking about giving Spike a second chance, but decided against it. He probably wouldn't find it funny.

***

Spike's boots made sickening noises in the sewage, but he didn't notice. Or care. There was hardly any nicer place to walk around in the daytime when you caught fire in sunlight. He pulled his coat tightly around himself and swaggered through the darkness, the smell not touching his nose. He had better things to worry about than appearances, and as a demon smelling and looking disgusting was generally a plus. Buffy wouldn't have liked it, but it wasn't really her problem anymore was it?

She hasn't broken it off with you mate, said one part of his mind. The hopeful part that could probably argue love as an incentive -- and excuse. The other, and more realistic part added, yet.

He couldn't understand, truly, what he'd done wrong. Though he suspected it was something to do with that girl. The dead one. After the anger had worn of, which had taken a while, he'd called for help and made sure everything was done properly, by human standards. Even stood there when parents arrived and cried. Not for her though, for his Slayer. He didn't much care about the corpse on the pavement, just that it had upset Buffy so much. Perhaps she blamed him. Because through his distraction she couldn't save a human life. It was what she did after all. Saved people. Maybe she blamed him for her own incompetence -- No, no, not incompetent, she wasn't that -- her own lack-of-success. Maybe she was just upset, and she'd get over it. Come to him and tell him she was sorry for making him a scapegoat.

But perhaps it wasn't the girl. She hadn't run away as soon as she saw the body. Hadn't flung accusations and run then. No, she'd talked and forgiven. It must have been something he said. But the words just bled together. He just remembered lust, surprise, defensiveness, relief and... heartbreak? No. Disappointment. Anger. He remembered the emotions he'd felt but not quite why he'd felt them. Had it been about the blood? He'd thought it would make her so happy, in fact the reason he hadn't told her before was that it was almost too nice a gesture to make. He was... embarrassed. But he knew she didn't like killing. It must have been the girl. Maybe he needed to find her, reassure her, apologise even though he wasn't sure what he'd done wrong.

He wasn't her lap dog. Not her slave. He didn't need to go grovelling to her, asking forgiveness. He was evil, liked it that way, months ago when she'd told him he was different he'd killed someone just to prove her wrong. Something he would never tell her. Forgiveness wouldn't change what he was, it made him feel sick inside that she'd offer it. Then again she did want to change what he was. Because she hated it so much. She hid it well when they were together, but the closing moments of last night -- the way she'd looked at him -- confirmed her thoughts, and thousands of little moments converged in his mind. Times when she'd pulled her hands away from him, when she'd refused to kiss him, when she'd answered him with a sharp remark. They all came together in that moment when she looked at him -- her eyes telling him she still knew he was a monster. Aren't you proud of that? You say you're not her lap dog. That you're evil. You should want to be a monster.

She doesn't want a monster. Not too long ago Spike would have said 'fuck what she wants', but two seconds away from her and he was going crazy already. She was still attracted to him though, it took an idiot to think differently. But the times that she lavished him with attention and praise were generally when he was doing something... human. That was what she wanted from him, but she'd never get. If it walks like a human and talks like a human, what is it? A Vampire. Trying so hard to fit in has its benefits. She was obviously one of them. So she wanted him to be part of the pulse-endowed crowed. Was that why he wanted her? Because she made him feel alive? Were they both just kidding themselves when they rubbed against each other, both pretending for a moment that he wasn't evil, and she wasn't supposed to kill him?

He was evil, and damn proud of it. But he didn't understand. Was he dumped? If so, why? Why was she angry? Why did he even want her back? If it was just lust, why didn't he just take her. Its not like he hadn't done it before. Take her, then kill her. Another sick feeling in his stomach. Why? It was all too confusing. Too God damned lively for a member of the undead. Rip, tear, destroy. Yeah, right.

Spike doubled checked he had the right place before climbing the ladder upwards. The metal rungs were wet and slippery, with something that smelt worse than death. And as a dead man, Spike was a good judge. He cautiously lifted a hand up and pushed the manhole cover up an inch. No greedy sunlight poured in to incinerate him and with a carefully placed punch the metal lid slid to the side allowing him enough of a gap to slip out of. When he was out he found himself in a familiar grubby back room, and he shook out his clothes in preparation. He may have been walking through shit but he didn't have to look like it. He reflexively brought a hand up to his hair to smooth in down, stopping himself moments before. He didn't need to check it that badly.

He walked towards the only door in the room and kicked it open with good-natured bravado. The lock-and-catch had been broken long ago so now it just swung on its hinges freely. Before he could walk any further forward though he found a small man suddenly standing in front of him, dishcloth held out like some kind of weapon.

"Can't come in here Spike..." Willy said.

"Why the hell not?" the Vampire asked, glancing over the barkeeper's head to the almost-empty bar behind.

"Well, uh, you're not the most popular of fellas around these parts..." Willy stuttered, "I-I don't want no fights in here today... Cops might start taking notice."

"Willy, this place has been here for years without any intervention, and Sunnydale police are infinitely stupid." Spike explained with surprising restraint of anger. His teeth didn't break from gritting together or anything, "Now I know you're not one to turn away business. Especially my business. If you know what's good for you."

"Tell 'im Willy!" a voice shouted from one of the tables out of Spike's sight.

"Tell me what?" Spike snapped, surging forward and past Willy as if the short man wasn't even there. He glared around the room for the source of the voice, all eyes were eagerly turned upon him as they waited for hell to break loose, "What?" he asked again.

"That we don't want the Slayer's bitch around here." the deep voice of a bulky Vampire sang out into the smoky air.

Fighting was easy. Demons demanded it. Like blood. And sex. Throwing punched, breaking bones, having them broken, the pain was a turn on. The death was a rush. Spike sized up his opponent with a quick flick of the eyes and snorted. The Vamp seemed to take this as a signal to start and he lunged forward. They exchanged punched, ducks and feigns. It was boring. Nothing like fighting a Slayer. Kinda like fighting with Angelus. He was strong, fast, but he had that annoying confidence that made him stupid. But still he trapped Spike and held a stake up to his chest. It was a stake that Spike had pulled out, one that Buffy made him carry. Spike smirked up at Bulky,

"What do you think the Slayer will do to you if you stake me?" he asked. The Vampire paused and Spike took that moment to charge forward. It was easy to turn the stake. Reduce to dust. Set the room to silence. But as he held the stake he realised he didn't really feel like a drink any more. Not like drowning his sorrows. He was impatient. He wanted to know. Was he the Slayer's bitch? Her boyfriend? Her plaything? Her love. Her prey.

"Thanks for the fun Willy..." Spike said, before making his voice louder, "And you better not fucking try to keep me out of here again." With a swift nod he walked back out into the small dirty room and back down into the sewers. When his feet touched dirt again he set off in the direction of the high school.

***

Xander hopped from one foot to the other. Cordelia was back today. He'd been flip about it with everyone who'd asked, but really he had been counting down. They'd talked a few times on the phone, but Cordy didn't like calling his place. His parents didn't care who they were rude to. And for some reason she wouldn't give him the number to call her. He'd missed her. She was annoying and bitchy, but she was also his. His girlfriend. His mind still boggled at that. Beautiful Cordelia Chase who'd picked on him since kindergarten was now the woman he loved. And she loved him back.

He stared at a new swarm of people as they passed through the doors and along the corridor. None were her. He hadn't seen anyone else today either. Other than Buffy. It was nice to be back in the circle again. He wasn't going to let Spike get in the way of his friendships. After they'd made up he'd hugged her a few more times then left so that she could do all the girly stuff that she apparently needed to do before school. She'd looked fine to him. Will had called the night before and talked him into going over to the blonde's house. He was glad of it now, but at the time he'd been sceptical. He'd expected Buffy to defend her Vampire more. Not that he was complaining--

"Hey!" Cordelia waved a hand a few inches before Xander's noise, before flicking his cheek painfully with a perfect nail, "I thought you were admiring my beauty, with the drool and all. Then I saw you were just being all comatose again." she grinned at him.

"Cordelia!" he almost shrieked, his voice raising a few octaves. He moved to hug her and she returned the favour, whispering in his ear,

"Did they fall off while I was away? 'Cause if you're going to be hitting notes like that often people are going to start wondering if I ripped them from your body. And if I did I'm sure I'd remember."

"What?" Xander blinked, "No! No..." he coughed and made his voice comically deep, "Not at all."

"Just checking." she chuckled, smile not quite reaching her eyes that were searching the crowd behind Xander. He didn't notice.

"Checking huh? First thing you check on when you get back is my... you know. I'm beginning to think you only want me for my body."

"Hardly." Cordelia said, nose wrinkling with disgust. Xander's eyes widened with uncertain hurt, not sure if she was joking or not. Cordelia pressed a kiss to his mouth and he calmed immediately, but it was so brief that he didn't have time to reciprocate.

"H-How was the holiday?" he asked, placing an arm around her waist as she turned to walk towards her locker.

"Oh... It was all right..." she sighed, "... Kinda boring, nothing to do but tan so..." she gestured to her darkened skin, "...Which is something that I used to love to do, but now its just boring." she paused then glared at him, "I think that's your fault." she accused.

"Sorry for making you less shallow." he grinned, "We can talk about fashion and hairstyles if you want...?" She slapped his arm, "Or not... Did you miss me?"

"Yep. None of the men on holiday licked my shoes as well as you. Oh look, here's my locker!" She slid away from him and almost ran towards her the end of the hall. Xander glared after her, keeping up his slow pace until she turned and grinned at him teasingly. Then he jogged to catch her up.

***

"Giles?" Buffy called out softly into the dark room. It didn't look as if the Librarian had been in at all that day. Books that had been there yesterday sat on the table along with two empty cups and some scrunched up tissue. The curtains were drawn and the lights were off. After dragging herself into school today Buffy couldn't help being a little annoyed that Giles hasn't done the same. Especially seeing as they had an appointment and everything. Then again it wasn't like Giles to not clean up before leaving for the night. Perhaps there was apocalyptic evil going on somewhere. Then again he'd have called for that.

Sighing and hoping for the best Buffy walked slowly around, pulling curtain cords and spilling light into the room. She wrestled a window open in an attempt to let the stuffiness out, if that was even possible. Clearing up the cups and the tissue was easy, but she discarded the idea of tidying up the books, she'd probably just put them in the wrong place anyway. It occurred to her that she was probably just trying to kill time before going to lessons, facing her friends and telling them about the previous night. Especially Willow. She'd been there when they'd made the date, she was sure to want to know what went on.

Walking into the office Buffy stopped dead and stared at the figure slumped over the desk. It was Giles, his head resting on an open book and his eyes closed. Her heartbeat speeded up for one horrible second before she realised he was just asleep. His glasses were all askew on his head in a way that didn't look comfortable, he must have been really tired. She rested against the door frame for a long moment before stepping forward and touching his shoulder.

"Giles?" she shook him a little and he woke up with a start.

"What?" he blinked and stared up at her, "Buffy? What time is it?"

"Uh... about ten in the morning." she said, a sheepish smile on her face.

"Dammit." he said mildly, as if the news didn't come as a surprise to him, just a small annoyance.

"Yeah." Buffy agreed, "Studying all night? Some new evil brewing?"

"Uh... No... I guess time just... got away with me." He straightened his glasses and closed the book before him, "Did you get home all right last night? How're you feeling?"

"Uh, better, but still confused I--"

"Giles! Buffy? Are you in here?" Xander called loudly. Buffy and Giles exchanged a look before both walking from the office. Xander grinned when he saw them, Cordelia just looked bored, "Wow Giles, is the crinkly look back in for middle-aged men? You look like you slept in those clothes."

"Hey Cordelia." Buffy offered, "When you went away we were afraid we'd loose all those cutting clothing remarks, but we shouldn't have lost faith, you trained Xander well."

"Hey Buffy." Cordelia returned, "Speaking of men, and clothes, has yours gotten over his Sheena-Is-A-Punk-Rocker faze yet?"

"Ah. I believe I've been speaking with too many teenagers," Giles observed, "That actually made sense to me. Now, was there any particular reason you came to visit or was it just to trade witty repartee?"

"Its a little chilly in here." Cordelia said with a frown. Buffy hurried over to the window and closed it, not catching or not acknowledging the real meaning behind the brunette's phrase.

"We just came here to say 'hi'." Xander said, his voice a little offended, eyes darting from Buffy to Giles then back again. The Slayer smiled reassuringly, not wanting to ruin their newly rekindled friendship, "Is something wrong? Evil? Demons? Vampires? Drained youths?"

"Nope." Buffy said quickly, flashing a slight smile to Giles who returned it. The door swung open again and the Librarian sighed inwardly as he turned to see who else was here to annoy him. Everyone else turned also as if in a well-scripted move.

"Oh. Speaking of terrorisers of the people, hello Spike" Xander said, his attempts to make an effort and be civil lost on the Vampire, who immediately looked at Buffy.

"Luv..." he started.

"Not here!" she practically shouted, making herself the centre of attention. She chuckled nervously and backed up a few steps. Looking at Giles for guidance she saw him remaining quiet. No help there. Was she still with Spike or not? She'd have liked to have had time to make the decision, but with people here she knew she needed to decide. Could she forgive him for drinking human blood? It wasn't as if he'd killed anyone directly. Just indirectly. Did she l--ike him enough to give it another try. He'd crept into her life like a... disease. Could she get rid of him now? After the split second of nervous laughter and indecision Buffy walked forward and tilted her head upwards to kiss Spike. She almost felt the relief radiating off his lips, but when he tried to respond she pulled away and pasted a grin on her face at the disgusted Xander.

It was probably a mistake. It was a mistake. But it stopped the suspicious glanced and questions for a moment. The look on Spike's face made guilt start stomping around in her stomach though. He looked as if Christmas had come, if demons actually celebrated the birth of Christ. Which was doubtful. But he looked happy non-the-less. She reached for and grabbed his hand, dragging him further into the Library to try and speak to him in private. The rest of the group followed though until they were all standing around the table.

"Have you seen Will yet today?" Buffy asked finally.

"Nope." Xander sighed, "Or Oz, but I guess we will."

"Yeah. Willow's a big geek, she'll come to the Library sooner or later." Cordelia pointed out. Buffy shook off Spike's hand, not daring to look at his face and see the reaction. She watched Giles instead looking for disappointment and disgust. Instead the Watcher's face was carefully subdued, his eyes never quite meeting Buffy's and skipping over Spike entirely. It looked as if discussions were on the way. With shouting and possible punches. The door of the Library clicked open and shut again.

All eyes turned and fixed upon the it, as if some inexplicable force commanded them to. Maybe they expected Willow to enter, as they'd just been speaking of her. Timing was a vital part of humour, and they all looked at the doorway as if it would contain a punch-line. One that would be especially funny to those who hadn't noticed the uncomfortable silence that had begun to spread outward. A woman stood in one of the brightest beams of light, not heavenly illumination but it might as well have been. Because the alternative was too staggering to contemplate. After the briefest of moment's the woman spoke to the room, though the words were obviously intended for someone in particular. The group glanced about at each other to check that they weren't hallucinating.

"Hello lover." Drusilla purred to Spike, "Miss me?"

(Author's Note: Has it really been two weeks since my last update? Guess so. Real life sucks sometimes. As always I'll try to update again soon, but the main word there is 'try'. Thanks for all your reviews :-) As a hint for the next chapter, has anyone ever seen the Red Dwarf episode 'Camille'? Heh. I'm a big nerd at heart.)