All right, so here's the scene – try to keep up, will ya? We were all down at Rolf's so Double-D could play dress-up with Wilfred the pig, just like mommy and daddy had told him to do in their latest sticky note.
Only the note wasn't really from his folks – you got that, right? Yep, I was the brains behind the whole scam – who else? – and Ed, well, I guess he helped out a little by writing the notes. Oh yeah, the King of the Pranksters was back in action!
And if I was the King of the Pranksters, Double-D was definitely the Prince of Pigeons. Those fake sticky notes had him fooled, hook, line, and sinker! He pulled his dad's suit down over Wilfred's head just like a good little sucker, never even asking why his folks would want him to do something so stupid. "Well, Wilfred, as strange as this may seem, you do look marvelous!" Did he really mean that? He couldn't have, could he? Nah, he was probably just distracted by all that broom lint still in his belly button.
Never was a suit so un-annoying. Me and Ed were ready to bust a gut! Yeah, you heard me, Ed was laughing, too – ol' Monobrow enjoys a good dirty trick just as much as the next guy! Or maybe he just thought he was still helping me stop 'Lizard Boy'...or maybe the termites in his head were tickling more than usual. Eh, whatever.
Me, I was laughing at Double-D. Who knew he could be such a sap? "This is too rich!"
"Rich?" Oops, did he hear me? "What's rich?"
It was time for some quick thinking. "Uh, Wilfred's rich!" Lucky I'm so fast on my head. Um, feet. "He looks like a million bucks!"
I'm sure that would've worked even if Rolf hadn't come over just then. "Hello, Ed-boys. Why must you spoil Wilfred with this lavish monkey suit? This will only lead him to search for a life as an airline steward." I used to think Rolf must sit around all day coming up with weird sayings like that, but now I think it just comes from breathing nothing but animal fumes all the time. The guy really needs to get off his farm and get some fresh air.
And speaking of people who could use a little more air to their brain…"Monkey suit?" Now Ed was really interested. I think he was actually jealous of Wilfred! You never know what's gonna spark the big guy off.
But Rolf ignored him. "Speak to Rolf!" I guess he didn't want to monkey around. Hey, nice pun there, huh! Yeah, you wish you were as funny as me.
"Yeah, Double-D!" I shoved him on over. Well, I sure as heck didn't wanna talk to Rolf – you can't make any cash off of him when he's all annoyed like that. "Speak to Rolf!"
Double-D crashed into him and fell backwards. Rolf didn't budge an inch. We've just gotta get Double-D some dumbbells someday. "Oh, there you are!" He looked even more nervous than usual. Heh! "C-call it crazy, but it was a chore if you will, a hand-written request by father – we communicate through sticky notes." He actually seemed proud of that last bit. Like it was every kid's dream or something. Man, have his folks messed him up good, or what?
I got the heck out of there at that point. Rolf's an interesting guy, but you can never really tell how he's gonna react to something. "Rolf respects your vow to uphold the sticky notes of elders." Well, seemed like Double-D would get off easy this time, no stupid fish-fights or anything. Oh well. "Yet, you must be punished." That's when Rolf put on this huge, hammer-shaped hat. Whoops, did I say Double-D was gonna get off easy? Oh man, this was gonna be good. Uh, I mean bad. Yeah, bad.
Now, if it was me, I would've been a mile away right then. Double-D just stood and stared. "W-what is that, Rolf?" Run, you idiot!
"The Hat of Discipline, do you live in a cave?" Rolf slammed – I mean, slammed! – Double-D with the hat. Geeze, that had to hurt! "All is forgiven."
"Th-thank you, Rolf." Oh man. Always with the manners, eh Double-D?
I hate it when he lets people get away with junk like that. It ticks me off, you know? He's always so worried about his rules and his manners and about always being 'nice' to everyone, like he thinks the world's gonna end if he ever does something impolite. And there's a big problem with that – I don't think Miss Manners ever says it's okay to haul off and sock somebody, not even if they've just pounded you into the dirt with a giant hammer on their head. It just ain't right! And it's not good for him either – I mean, just think how easy it'd be to take advantage of someone like that!
Lucky he's got me around to look out for him and to set a good example. No one could ever take advantage of me, 'coz I live by my own rules. Now, pay attention, because there's a good one coming up:
"Look, Double-D, we've found another note!"
Yep, that's Eddy Rule Number Four: Never quit when you've got a good thing going. Got it? Good. You owe me a quarter for the lesson.
*****
You're never gonna believe what we got Double-D to do next. Think big, think mean, think bowling alley stink and bullfrog looks. Yeah, that's right – Sock-head had a date with the Kankers!
"This is so absurd, Eddy!" Gee, he wasn't nearly so excited about those sticky notes any more! "What's come over Mother and Father?" I actually had to push him along to get him to obey the sticky note this time. Of course, I would've stopped if he'd really made me. What? I would!
"You read the note, Double-D!" I gave him another shove. He kept backpedaling, but for all the difference it made, he could've been on wheels. If we don't get him some dumbbells soon, at least maybe we could get him some heavier shoes, or, I dunno, some cleats or something. "Don't be a chicken!"
Whoops, did I say chicken? Saying anything about those stupid birds can be dangerous when Ed's around, but I guess he was too busy thinking about bananas or something just then because he just laughed and yelled, "I'm a monkey!" Well, I couldn't argue with him there! He was wearing that suit he'd taken off of Wilfred, even though it was way too small on him – you'd see where Double-D gets his macho build from if you ever met his dad – and I'm sure it smelled better on the pig than on ol' Lumpy! But hey, at least it kept him happy, and at least he wasn't wrecking anything, so I guess it was a good thing.
Anyway, when we got to the trailer park those three ugly freaks were already outside, so I shoved Double-D over to them and then hid as fast as I could. Not that I was scared, but I didn't wanna distract 'em from Double-D with my good looks. It ain't easy being this handsome, you know!
The Kankers hadn't noticed him yet, though, so he still could've run away. I was sure he would – I was even ready to throw something to get them to look up – but you know what? Double-D actually went through with it! "H-hello? Oh, uh…" He was shaking so bad, I might actually have felt sorry for him if I just could've stopped laughing long enough. Hey, it was funny, all right? "I-I was going to…"
That's when the Kankers swarmed him. It was like some really warped version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
"Ask me for a date?" Ugly.
"Sweep me off my feet?" Uglier.
"Stand in line, girls!" Ugliest!
Geeze, aren't there any trailer-park guys around for those bowsers to chase after?
"Oh, heh-heh, y-yes…" Yeah, that's it, Sock-head. Wow 'em with your amazing stammering and sweating action. "Could I trouble you for a c-cup of sugar?" I've gotta hand it to me, though – it wasn't so long ago that Double-D would've just fainted dead away in a situation like that. See? I am helping him!
Just maybe not right then. The Kankers grabbed him as I tried not to laugh out loud and spoil the romantic mood.
"Ladies, please!" Always a gentleman, huh, Double-D?
"We're ladies!"
"Let's kiss him!"
"Kiss?" I hadn't seen a look like that on his face since the time Ed had gotten into his chemistry set. I guess both times he knew something really bad was about to happen. "No! Not that!" It was the best thing I'd seen in, like, forever. Man, who knew a Kanker attack could be so much fun! I've got to try that again sometime when I've got a camera with me.
I elbowed Ed. "And I thought the day was going to be a write-off – get it? Write-off?" I oughta be a comedian!
I guess it went over Ed's head, though. Or maybe he was just too worried about Double-D's head – the Kankers had finally let him go, but not before roughing him up a bit. I still don't know how they managed to jam him into that hat of his! "Oh no, they tore off Double-D's head!"
Eh, he'd be all right, he's tougher than he thinks he is. Kind of. Well, at any rate, he'd be all right. And I'd be feeling a whole lot better as soon as I had some more entertainment! "Hurry up, Ed! Write another note!" Those sticky notes were almost as good as cash! Was there anything we couldn't get Sock-head to do?
"Well, if it ain't Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum!"
Mommy! Oh, er, uh – yawn, oh look, the Kankers had spotted us.
"You take the short yappy one, Lee!" What was up with that? Did she mean me? I'm just as tall as Ed, even if I do slouch a little more than him – and Sock-head's the yapper, not me!
"I'll take the big goofy one, Lee!"
Well, I couldn't let 'em get Ed, could I? "Run, Ed!" Ed's a bagful of laughs, but he's a little slow on the uptake – maybe you've noticed – so I figured I'd better show him what I meant. If I'd been there on my own, though, I never would've torn off like that.
"Wait for me, Eddy!" See? The big lug followed me like a puppy. Lucky for him, I take care of my friends.
Boy, I'll tell ya – what would those guys do without me?
