"She Really Did"

By; Foolinq Love

They all said they saw her give me those looks, the kind of looks you give the person you love. I never saw them, but they all said they had. At the end of the day, I was told she loved me and it was evident to everyone except the two of us. We were in our own little world, but everyone else could watch us as we did whatever you wish to call it. We piddled around, shagging and fighting. When it turned sour, it was the same. And then, she went soft. She melted into butter as I stepped into a room. I never noticed the slimy butter hanging down against my boots and I was blind to the fact she could ever love me. After being denied for so long, the fact that she could never love me was impacted within my mind and yet, I still fought for her. I fought when I was winning the battle because I didn't notice to look at the white flag she held up with her new emotions and actions. The tender touches, loving looks, and calming conversations were all her way of saying I won.

Like I said, I was blind to her feelings except the ones that she wanted me to think she had. I was whipped and now, I admit it fully. I was her puppy, her love-struck puppy. And she was the naïve little girl that abused the puppy, hugged it, and then pulled on it's tail, but deep down, she loved the puppy. Lucky me, I found all this out after she was gone. Everyone around us saw the way she was around me and how it altered. I never seemed to notice. She was still Buffy and I was still Spike. Nothing had changed to me. As for her feelings, I couldn't see them suddenly changing and growing into a powerful, driven love. That's what made me blind.

I suppose it all changed after that kiss. That kiss after we sang and danced. That was it. It changed how she viewed me and that's when she had to fight her attraction to me. She fought it like it were a bad that she needed to get rid of. In her mind, her love for me was another baddie that she needed to kill to move on. She was afraid of what they might think; that she became soft and went against her word. I could see it in the way she looked at me, or rather glared. And I still looked at her, taking in her beauty through my wide, crystal pools. I lovingly watched as her chest moved up and down, oxygen flowing through her body. I listened to her heartbeat steadily, like the drum of an ancient warrior. I watched her move gracefully as she fought against all the demons life in general threw at her. That kiss cleared my vision. It made me see that I loved her even more than I had previously believed.

Then, came the sex game. It wasn't just about the sex; it was about the mind games she played with me. For a moment of pure bliss with her, I would allow her to play these silly mind games with me. I let her because I wanted to have her body caress softly against mine and I wanted to have her in my arms. I wanted so much from her that I could never had because she played mind games with everyone, not just me. It was just one big game then. She fooled everyone, including herself as my love rapidly grew. The obsession and need for her grew, that's why I tried to rape her. Ashamed with myself, I left and went to go please her some more. I did the unthinkable for a vampire.

I got my soul back for the Slayer's affection. I went crazy and she mended me back to health. I was tortured and she saved me. Her cold glares turned into innocent, loving looks of love. After I was tortured by the First, she was bandaging my wound. I remember she looked up at me with those big, emerald pools of pure sorrow. A solemn tear fell down her cheek and I just smiled at her. She felt bad for my pain, but I just smiled at her. Wiping the tear away, I continued to watch her, taking in her beauty. A sigh expelled from her lips as her digits softly trickled down my chest. She looked down and muttered softly, "I wish it weren't like this."

I wish it wasn't like that either. Life became harder then. Tons of Potentials running around the house, chattering incessantly. Those tender moments we shared increased until finally, the weight was lifted.

It was about three thirty in the morning and we sat on her bed. Her blonde tresses hung down against her shoulders as her emerald orbs barely shinned their normal twinkle. A black turtleneck tightly wound around her chest and a pair of blue jeans hung from her curvy hips. She sat criss-cross, looking up at me as salty droplets fell from her eyes. I sat criss-cross across from her on the bed; just wearing a black wife beater and a pair of black pants. She wiped away the tears with her tan hands, but they continued to fall from her orbs. Her tainted tiers finally parted and she spoke in a low whisper. "I'm afraid and. . ." She fell against me, draping her arms over my shoulders. I slowly wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close to my body. Feeling her warmth, I wanted more of her.

I gently rubbed her back, soothing her sobs. Before pulling away from me, she drew in a deep breath of air. Resuming her seat, she wiped the tears away again. My digits fell together atop my lap. "Buffy, you have the right to be afraid. There's no bleeding rule that says you can't fear things. I know that I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of losing you, losing Niblet, or getting staked. Slayer, don't be afraid to fear. You can and that's what you're going to do. Yeah, I know. You're the leader, well, forget it because you can fear. You don't need to hide it because you're not alone in your fear. And, if you say they won't respect you, then just don't show it in front of them. You can tell me."

The Slayer smiled softly at me as I tried to mend her pain for once. She ran a hand through her silky blonde tresses, shaking them around. "I always complain to you Spike. About everything. All of this drives me crazy and I force it out on you. I'm sorry for putting you through this. Ya know? Just for constantly running back to you and spilling myself. It must be really annoying to hear me complain and spill after something happens. But, you just sit there, take it in, and then give me advice about how to make it better. You don't have to, but you do. I never thank you for being there; I take you for granite. So. . . I guess I'm trying to say thank you for being here for me. You always are." I nodded at her, smirking ever so slightly.

"No problem love." I rubbed my legs, watching her intently after I responded to her. She had thanked me for being there and all that time, I thought I was just being nice. And after that, she did indeed take my advice. Every night after that, we sat on her bed and she cried about her fears that became prominent during the day. I just nodded, listening to her soft-spoken words. I tried to calm her fears with encouraging words and nice gestures. I always tried to make her feel like the princess she was despite her sometimes rude behavior to me. My love was unconditional.

A few nights later, I held her within my arms as tears poured from her emerald pools of glory. Trying to rid her of the pain, I gently rubbed her back, hissing a soothing shush. She had broke down about her fears of death. What if she didn't go to heaven this time around? And she broke down about Angel since Willow was off in Los Angeles for the time being. Buffy broke down in my arms that night. It was a huge break down and she turned into a blob of tears and sobs. I didn't know what else to do. So, I rubbed her back and told her it would all be okay. "Everything will be fine." Yeah, right.

That's when she looked up at me, teary-eyed and said softly, "No Spike, it won't be fine." She was right; it wasn't right. Things weren't right in that house or in her mind. Things weren't right in my mind because I didn't truly have her in my arms. She wasn't mine and that's why I wasn't alright. I chuckled softly. She was right and I couldn't lie to her anymore. Things weren't fine. Things would never be fine again after I fell in love. As for every other thing, it was much finer than my relationship with the Slayer was. Believe me, nothing was fine at that point.

I looked down into her eyes and agreed softly, "Yeah, you're right; it's not fine and dandy. I just want you to be okay and not have to worry about all this because you shouldn't have to. This worrying stuff isn't made for you. You have to save the world, not worry. So, stop. Leave it all to me." She smiled up at me, but I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking that she couldn't stop worrying and heaven forbid I take that over for her. Despite these thoughts, she smiled up at me and nodded slowly. I moved a digit up, wiping a tear away from her cheek. I smiled down at her.

We slowly began to move towards one another. Our eyes slowly closed as our tiers slowly parted. It was like lightning when our lips finally met. We kissed together atop her bed for what seemed like hours to me. She then slowly pulled away, sliding her hands under my shirt. She lifted it over my head and flung it to the ground. She moved her face back to mine, but I pulled by head back. "What are you doing Slayer? If you think that we're going to. . ." She cut me off with a simple kiss and we ended up having rough sex on her bed then.

Her head rested on her chest and her emerald hues watched our two hands as they lay together intertwined. My other arm was wrapped around her body, gently resting on her hip. The pastel sheet covered our two sweat stricken bodies. The air was hot and heavy. "Wow," I muttered softly for it had been the first time in so long I had felt her body move with mine in that moment of pure passion. I gently began to rub her hip, staring down at our hands. Was this how two people were supposed to be after sex? I never really did know because my sex life was anything but normal.

I raised our hands and softly kissed her's. Letting them fall back down, I looked down at her. "What does this mean love?" I had to ask. I had to know what our moment of passion meant. What would become of us now? I just had to know. She glanced up at me with those eyes. Those eyes that drove me insane. She parted her lips and paused. I knew she was thinking. She didn't even know what was to become of us.

"I. . ." she paused, "I think we should remain friends." And with that, she leaned over and grabbed her clothes off the floor. She slipped them on under the covers before rising out of the bed. She looked down at me. "It could never work. You're beneath me Spike and we both know it." She turned to the door, placing her slender digits over the knob. And she did what I didn't expect her to do. She glanced back at me before turning the handle and leaving. She took one long look before she walked out of her room that night. Why? Because she really did love me.