Hermione stood up. "I have an idea Professor. If you, er, wouldn't mind."

"Not at all Miss Granger, do come up here and tell us your idea."

Hermione went forward. "Well, sir, I know that you have the Founders wands and I thought that, uh, well, I thought that if you performed a simple Selection charm on each wand the wand could choose." Hermione hurridly grabbed a book out of her pocket. "Because you see, it, it says, right here that,well, that wands retain the personality of their owner. So I, uh,I think it would work."

Dumbledore thought for a moment. "Yes," he murmered, "yes, I suppose that would work."

Hermione stepped back beside Artemis while the teachers conferred.

"Brilliant. The students know more than the Professors." Hermione knew Artemis wasn't speaking to her but she could not resist the urge to reply.

"Sometimes brilliant minds can over-look the most simple solutions."

"Of course, I was clearly wrong to imagine that you could possibly have any form of intelligence higher than that of a dung beatle."

"Well! I didn't hear you offer a suggestion!"

"Oh, do forgive me. Comb your hair. Is that suggestion enough for you?"

"Why you little! Humph! While you're going through classes with first years I will be with fifth years. People the same age as me."

Bored, Artemis drew a sheet out of his pocket. It said that he was ready to take on a fifth year work load.

"Well here's what I think about that!" Hermione said, and she made a move to tear it but it wouldn't rip. She tried again; it still wouldn't budge. "What charm have you put on it?" Hermione demanded, pushing it to the floor.

Artemis shook his head. "It's laminated. Lamination is when they-"

"I know what lamination is!" Hermione barked.

"I was just trying to help." Artemis said in a long-suffering voice.

Hermione stamped her foot and turned away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Harry and Ron got up and began to walk out of the Great Hall. Salazar Slytherin's wand and Rowena Ravenclaw's had just had fierce battle over who would get Fowl. Dumbledore had thrown his arms in the air and told Fowl that he would be a Slytherin by day, attending classes with Malfoy and his band, but by night he would dorm with the Ravenclaws. This seemed to be a terribly confusing arrangement to Harry but Fowl was not complaining. It didn't concern Harry, after all, so he said nothing.

"What a prig! What an over-blown snot! I hate him!" Hermione joined Harry and Ron on the steps.

"Not someone I know, I hope." The massive man, who could only be Fowl's butler was towering over them. He was carrying Fowl's bags up to his dorm.

"N-no sir, of course not." Hermione let out a nervous little titter.

The man nodded and walked past them.

"You were saying something." Ron said, grinning.

"Oh you be quiet! What a jerk!"

"Did you hear what he said to me?"

"We were a good fifty metre's away from you Hermione."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Prats." She muttered.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Artemis headed out to his first class. Double Potions with the Gryffindors. He slid into a seat next to a thin, pale boy.

"Why hello, Fowl." He drew out the name. Foul.

"Fowl. Pertaining to the birds, not foul, pertaining to the smell of your accomplises."

"Well done Fowl. I'm impressed. My name is Draco Malfoy, this is Crabbe, and this is Goyle." He dismissed the two boys with a careless wave of his hand. "And here comes the flying circus." Artemis turned to the door where three people had entered. There was a boy, Harry Potter, the annoying girl from the night before and a red-headed boy Artemis grimaced at.

"I know." Malfoy said. "Ron Weasley. Poor as dirt and twice as common."

"And the girl?" Artemis said, frowning.

"Hermione Granger. She can Transfigure a hedgehog in less time than it takes some people," he looked purposefully at Crabbe. "To tie their shoes. But, she cannot be expected to comb her hair."

"I suggested that to her, only yesterday. She seemed quite offended."

"It's probably a vitamin deficiency amongst Gryffindors."

"It's probably a brain deficiency."

Artemis looked up as the three of them sat down next to him.

"Hello Potter. Artemis and I were just discusing deficiencies."

"We have it all figured out. Weasley, you have cash deficiency, Potter, brain deficiency and of course Granger, who is attractiveness impaired."

Draco looked at Artemis, his eyes wide. "Brilliant." He whispered softly.

Ron made to lunge at Artemis but Harry held him back.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Fowl, a word?"

Harry rubbed his fingers together nervously.

"Make it quick Potter. I have things to do."

"Look, you may feel that it's best to get in with Malfoy but trust me it's not."

"Listen, Potter. I can look out for myself." When have you ever looked out for yourself Artemis?, he asked himself silently.

"Okay, but you leave Hermione and Ron alone. I'm fair game but I swear, you leave them alone."

"Where's the fun when you have permission Potter?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Artemis sat lazily in his chair. Second day of classes. Despite the fact that his computers went haywire around here he was not finding it all too bad.

Harry, Ron and Hermione dropped in next to him.

Some people never learn, he thought abstractly as Malfoy slid into his spot.

The potions master, Snape, came into the room, his robes swirling around him.

"Ms Granger," he said, before the door had even had time to close behind him. "Ten points from Gryffindor."

"Why?" Hermione said, her eyes wide.

"Because I dislike you, I dislike your demeanor and I dislike the way your face haunts my nightmares. Take out your cauldrons-"

"That was low, Profesor." Artemis said softly.

"What was that Fowl?"

"I said that was low."

"Oh? What do you suppose you're going to do about it?" Snape smiled coldly.

Hermione was gesturing at Artemis, she knew that this would not work.

"I suppose I'll go to the headmaster." Artemis, for all his arrogance and self-appreciation, disliked unfairness. It was in his opinion that stacking the deck only added to his own incompetancy, and if Artemis Fowl hated anything, it was showing his own weakness.

"Oh? And what are you going to say to the Headmaster?" Snape's voice was soft and threatening.

"I don't need to say anything." Artemis replied, extracting a small black box from his pocket. "This will say everything it needs to." He pressed a button. Snape was still smiling, expecting the equiptment to short. But he was mistaken.

Artemis allowed a small smile at their shocked expressions. "Perhaps I am not the fool you take me to be. Now, professor, if you'll excuse Ms Granger and I, we have business with the headmaster."

He strode out, Hermione following behind him, before Snape could say anything.

"That was very nice of you." Hermione said.

"What makes you think I did it for you?" Artemis asked, not looking at her.

"Oh! Well who did you do it for then?" Hermione asked, suddenly livid.

"Myself." Artemis said, not diverting his eyes from their destination.

"Well aren't you arrogant!" she spluttered. When Artemis didn't say anything Hermione reverted to simply shooting death glances at his back.

"You might want to look ahead of you instead of staring at the back of my neck. You're about to walk into a pillar." Artemis did not even turn around.

"I hate you!" Hermione burst out, immediately regretting the words.

"Alright."

"God! You are so annoying." Artemis said nothing, causing Hermione to get even angrier.

"Would you mind not breathing so heavily? I feel like I'm being stalked by a dog in heat."

This, to Hermione was the last straw. "I don't want your help!" she screamed. "Just go back to your stupid class! God, I hate you!"

Artemis stopped and turned around. Hermione was suddenly scared. "I am not doing this for you," he said softly. "I do not do things for others. If this causes you to feel uncomfortable, angry, or even hateful, so be it. I do not need you to come with me, I can do things on my own."

"You're horrible." Hermione said, shaking.

"That was a fine assesment, can you do another?"

"Do you have any friends? Any at all? Even Malfoy has friends." Hermione spat.

"No, I do not have any friends, as I told you I fend for myself. People who fend for themselves do not easily make friends."

Hermione looked at him, surprised. The entire speech had been delivered in a bored monotone. "You don't, you don't care?"

"Caring leads to disappointment." Artemis thought to his father, unable to walk, his face scarred beyond recognition. He thought about his mother, who had cared so much she went insane, and about Butler. Butler cared and look where it got him. Servant to a child, servant to someone who steeled himself against caring.

"That's a very depressing way to look at things." Hermione said.

"It's more depressing to lose someone than to never have them in the first place. Can we continue on? I do not want to be late for Transfiguration."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So what did Fowl say to Dumbledore?" Ron asked in the common room that evening.

"Nothing, he just pulled the recorder out of his pocket, pressed play and watched it go. And then Dumbledore looked up and Artemis nodded at him and just left."

"So he didn't say anything to you?" Harry asked.

"No." Hermione said. "No, he didn't say anything at all."