NINE
* * *
Dawn, screaming.
"Buffy!"
Awareness. Sudden, like the sound of a glass, dropped, shattering. A sharp breath, drawn in with a snap. Her own.
"Dawn?"
Tears, streaking her sister's face. Terror there.
"Buffy? Please don't --"
Dawn's voice trailed off.
"Dawn, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Dawn raised a wrist to her nose, sniffled and wiped it with the sleeve of her shirt.
"You scared me."
"I'm sorry," Buffy heard, though it seemed far away, still. "I just need --"
Her voice trailed off, her answer unmade. She blinked. It was hard to get oriented, hard to make the world make sense. She reached up, tugged a bit at her hair.
Dawn spoke.
"You're going away again, aren't you? Like you did before. Like when you tried to ...."
Buffy looked up at her sister, then away.
"It's the poison. I need the antidote, Dawn. I need Willow."
"Well, Willow isn't here! I don't know where she is!"
Buffy glanced back sharply. There was anger and panic in Dawn's voice; it always seemed to be there, so close. Was I like that when I was her age? Did I snap at Mom like this?
But at least I had Mom.
I have Mom. She's sitting outside the office with Dad. The man, the doctor, he said so.
But Dawn ....
Her sister was watching her closely.
"You're back there, aren't you? You swore you wouldn't go back there."
"Dawn, I can't help --"
"You swore!"
Dawn turned now, stormed out. Buffy struggled up; she felt weak, like the universe was thick with something, like it wasn't right. Dawn was up the stairs now and then her door slammed shut.
Buffy reached it, opened it.
"Dawn --"
"Get out!"
"Dawn, I'm not going to leave you --"
"You just did! You just did!"
How long? Buffy wondered suddenly. I was there, in that place. There was Mom and Dad and there was that doctor. I talked to him. How long?
"Dawn --"
"You just want to leave! You're just like everybody else! I don't exist so you just leave! You're just like Mom!"
Buffy felt her eyes go wide. It was silent, suddenly, as Dawn's face registered on what she had just said.
"Dawn, what do you mean?"
The voice burned now.
"You know what I mean."
"Dawn, you know she didn't want .... You have to know ...."
"I know what I know. You're all the same."
"Dawn --"
"I don't exist there and you want to go back. You want Mom all to yourself. You always did. I know what you are. Get out."
"Dawn --"
"I said get out get out get out! I hate you!"
The scream, the words, slammed hard into her. Buffy took a step back, then another. Her mouth was open but there was no air, suddenly. This was Dawn, her dear Dawn, for whom she had given her life, to whom she had sacrificed it all, everything, because of whom she could tolerate the long hours of the Doublemeat Palace, for whom she had fought the people at Social Services, had fought the Knights of Byzantium, had fought the Council, had fought Giles, had even fought a god.
This was Dawn who was her and who she loved.
Regardless, forever.
I hate you.
Buffy was out the door now, in the hall. She could see Dawn watching her, could see her sister trembling, could see the rage in her eyes.
And with it her own.
Sudden, hot, real. Coming up from deep, bubbling, stewing, and now here. Impossible rage, as the world screamed suddenly in it.
Hate your sister! Hate your sister! Hate hate hate hate!
"I have a right," she said softly.
Dawn said nothing.
"I have a right to love her, just like you do," Buffy said. "Don't you dare tell me I can't love her. Don't you dare tell me I can't love my mother."
"Fine! Your mother! You already decided she isn't my mother! I hope you're happy together!"
"Don't you dare!" Buffy screamed suddenly. "She's my mother too! Don't you dare!"
Dawn was there, fast. The door slammed hard, rattling the frame.
#
Buffy trembled now. It was an involuntary thing, a sudden thing. Rage, yes, but more, more than this. Terror, deep down terror that was all to familiar but that familiarity never seemed to dull.
It was all coming apart. She needed Willow but Willow was gone.
The world was suddenly wrong, thick with nothing, like it was hard to walk through it.
And somewhere, from somewhere, the voices.
Hate your sister hate your sister killed your mother hate your mother ....
Buffy moaned, brought her hands up to her head, cried out.
"Stop it!"
Hate you hate you hate you die die die die die ....
I should have told Tara I needed the antidote. Maybe she could have made some.
No. I need Willow. I need my friend.
It's all coming apart.
Crazy girl crazy girl crazy!
I can't leave Dawn. I have to find Willow. I can't leave them. I'm the slayer and I'm the older sister and I'm all they have and they need me. I can't leave them but that's what the doctors and Mom and Dad want; I remember what that doctor said, that I had to leave them.
I can't I can't I can't.
I can't go on.
You can't you can't you can't! Slayer liar slayer liar!
Buffy stumbled to her room. The trembling was growing worse and she was afraid she wouldn't make it. And then she was there, by her bed, fumbling in the drawer, her search hampered by sudden tears, clouding her vision.
There. Paper. Number in England. She fumbled for the phone, hands shaking, feeling the warm tears as they flowed down her cheeks, jabbing at the buttons, hearing the ring on the other end.
You have to be there. Please, you have to be there.
The phone rang, again and again and again.
But there was no answer.
* * *
Dawn, screaming.
"Buffy!"
Awareness. Sudden, like the sound of a glass, dropped, shattering. A sharp breath, drawn in with a snap. Her own.
"Dawn?"
Tears, streaking her sister's face. Terror there.
"Buffy? Please don't --"
Dawn's voice trailed off.
"Dawn, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Dawn raised a wrist to her nose, sniffled and wiped it with the sleeve of her shirt.
"You scared me."
"I'm sorry," Buffy heard, though it seemed far away, still. "I just need --"
Her voice trailed off, her answer unmade. She blinked. It was hard to get oriented, hard to make the world make sense. She reached up, tugged a bit at her hair.
Dawn spoke.
"You're going away again, aren't you? Like you did before. Like when you tried to ...."
Buffy looked up at her sister, then away.
"It's the poison. I need the antidote, Dawn. I need Willow."
"Well, Willow isn't here! I don't know where she is!"
Buffy glanced back sharply. There was anger and panic in Dawn's voice; it always seemed to be there, so close. Was I like that when I was her age? Did I snap at Mom like this?
But at least I had Mom.
I have Mom. She's sitting outside the office with Dad. The man, the doctor, he said so.
But Dawn ....
Her sister was watching her closely.
"You're back there, aren't you? You swore you wouldn't go back there."
"Dawn, I can't help --"
"You swore!"
Dawn turned now, stormed out. Buffy struggled up; she felt weak, like the universe was thick with something, like it wasn't right. Dawn was up the stairs now and then her door slammed shut.
Buffy reached it, opened it.
"Dawn --"
"Get out!"
"Dawn, I'm not going to leave you --"
"You just did! You just did!"
How long? Buffy wondered suddenly. I was there, in that place. There was Mom and Dad and there was that doctor. I talked to him. How long?
"Dawn --"
"You just want to leave! You're just like everybody else! I don't exist so you just leave! You're just like Mom!"
Buffy felt her eyes go wide. It was silent, suddenly, as Dawn's face registered on what she had just said.
"Dawn, what do you mean?"
The voice burned now.
"You know what I mean."
"Dawn, you know she didn't want .... You have to know ...."
"I know what I know. You're all the same."
"Dawn --"
"I don't exist there and you want to go back. You want Mom all to yourself. You always did. I know what you are. Get out."
"Dawn --"
"I said get out get out get out! I hate you!"
The scream, the words, slammed hard into her. Buffy took a step back, then another. Her mouth was open but there was no air, suddenly. This was Dawn, her dear Dawn, for whom she had given her life, to whom she had sacrificed it all, everything, because of whom she could tolerate the long hours of the Doublemeat Palace, for whom she had fought the people at Social Services, had fought the Knights of Byzantium, had fought the Council, had fought Giles, had even fought a god.
This was Dawn who was her and who she loved.
Regardless, forever.
I hate you.
Buffy was out the door now, in the hall. She could see Dawn watching her, could see her sister trembling, could see the rage in her eyes.
And with it her own.
Sudden, hot, real. Coming up from deep, bubbling, stewing, and now here. Impossible rage, as the world screamed suddenly in it.
Hate your sister! Hate your sister! Hate hate hate hate!
"I have a right," she said softly.
Dawn said nothing.
"I have a right to love her, just like you do," Buffy said. "Don't you dare tell me I can't love her. Don't you dare tell me I can't love my mother."
"Fine! Your mother! You already decided she isn't my mother! I hope you're happy together!"
"Don't you dare!" Buffy screamed suddenly. "She's my mother too! Don't you dare!"
Dawn was there, fast. The door slammed hard, rattling the frame.
#
Buffy trembled now. It was an involuntary thing, a sudden thing. Rage, yes, but more, more than this. Terror, deep down terror that was all to familiar but that familiarity never seemed to dull.
It was all coming apart. She needed Willow but Willow was gone.
The world was suddenly wrong, thick with nothing, like it was hard to walk through it.
And somewhere, from somewhere, the voices.
Hate your sister hate your sister killed your mother hate your mother ....
Buffy moaned, brought her hands up to her head, cried out.
"Stop it!"
Hate you hate you hate you die die die die die ....
I should have told Tara I needed the antidote. Maybe she could have made some.
No. I need Willow. I need my friend.
It's all coming apart.
Crazy girl crazy girl crazy!
I can't leave Dawn. I have to find Willow. I can't leave them. I'm the slayer and I'm the older sister and I'm all they have and they need me. I can't leave them but that's what the doctors and Mom and Dad want; I remember what that doctor said, that I had to leave them.
I can't I can't I can't.
I can't go on.
You can't you can't you can't! Slayer liar slayer liar!
Buffy stumbled to her room. The trembling was growing worse and she was afraid she wouldn't make it. And then she was there, by her bed, fumbling in the drawer, her search hampered by sudden tears, clouding her vision.
There. Paper. Number in England. She fumbled for the phone, hands shaking, feeling the warm tears as they flowed down her cheeks, jabbing at the buttons, hearing the ring on the other end.
You have to be there. Please, you have to be there.
The phone rang, again and again and again.
But there was no answer.
