THIRTEEN
* * *
It seemed so real.

A hand, gentle, touching her.

She moved away with a moan, felt something hard against her head.

"Buffy?"

Something moving nearby. The sound of something hard being set down. The gentle hand again, caressing, touching.

It was so real. I was there, in that place. It was like it was the first time, when I said goodbye.

I don't want to say goodbye.

She heard herself whimper, brought her arms and knees close.

"Buffy, can you wake up?"

I know that voice. It's a good voice.

There was his voice, too. He said he wouldn't hurt them.

No one hurts my sister.

"Come on, Buffy. Levitas."

She felt herself rising as if on a cushion of feathers, then settling again onto something soft.

Her bed.

She opened her eyes.

Her room. And there, by her bed, looking down at her with her big, mournful eyes, was Tara.

Tara. Good Tara. Good Tara and her hand on her forehead.

And back behind her, standing at the doorway, was Dawn.

Tara smiled down at her. She opened her mouth to speak, hesitated. Then the words came, slowly.

"Buffy, are you all right? Dawn found you ... called me ...."

"I don't know," Buffy heard herself say. "I don't know."

"You're not feverish," Tara said. "Dawn said ... you were going away."

"Need Willow. Need the antidote."

"Like before?"

"Yes."

Tara nodded. "I'll make some. We still have a stinger."

Buffy smiled. Tara brought her blanket up and laid it over her, then stood.

"I'll be ... back."

She left.

#

Warm. Safe.

But not here.

He watched her. Her face was wet with tears. She had been crying.

He handed her a tissue.

"I can't," she heard. It was her own voice.

Liar liar liar filthy liar liar!

"Buffy? What can't you do?"

A whimper now. "I don't want them to go ...."

"You don't have to let them go."

She looked at him. His face was fractured by the fallen strands of her hair.

"I don't want to ...."

His face changed; a warmth grew there that she had not seen before.

"You love them? Your parents? Your friends? Your sister?"

Hate them hate them hate you hate you!

She nodded.

"Listen to me, Buffy," he said. "You are ill, but your friends are not your illness. Do you understand me? Tell them this. Tell them I am not their enemy. Tell Dawn and Willow and Giles and Xander that I want to help you, not hurt them. I cannot talk to them, Buffy; only you can do that. Will you tell them this?"

Tears erupted again. The world was sharp, jagged, afraid, and she was alone.

#

Dawn stood at the doorway, watching. Buffy watched her back.

Can you see? How much I love you?

Dawn wiped her nose on her sleeve again. Her eyes were red.

He said he was not your enemy.

This thought came suddenly, and as it did Buffy drew her arms closer to her chest. Dawn was still there, still watching. And there was the memory of it, of his face, of the way he had frowned and scratched his nose.

I will not ask you to hurt her.

What did he ask? What had he said? It had all seemed so clear, so real. Not like before, in that place, when the world was thick with sticky fear and there were the voices, calling to her and screaming at her. Not like before when there was terror, terror everywhere and the only way to escape it was to huddle close and do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

No. It seemed so real.

They told me to destroy all of you. They said you don't exist.

They said. And I almost did.

Mom. Her face, that last time. Her words.

You are strong, Buffy. You are strong and we believe in you.

Can I believe in him? Can I believe what he said to me?

Dawn shifted in her place. She seemed uncertain about where she wanted to be.

I have to think about this. He wasn't like the other doctor. He didn't say you are a delusion, Dawn. He didn't say I had to destroy you to get well.

I want to get well. I don't want to be sick anymore.

This last came as a surprise. But he had said it and somehow Buffy knew that it was true. Because she was sick, and it was more than the demon poison. It was something deep inside her, something that was empty, something that nothing ever filled, a void. It was undefined but it was there.

I want to heal.

"I love you, Dawn," she said.

Dawn reacted to her words by wiping her nose with her sleeve again and then running away and down the hall.