[Redone in 4/15/03]
Authoritrix Notes: ^__^ yay I write lots more. Thank you everyone who's reviewed! Oh and Ayami you are so twisted! Heheheee...write it! Plz! Anyway, thanks again and enjoy plz. R/R it makes my heart happy.
Disclaimer: I am not Betty, and I own no potatoes! Cast me from your castle if you must, but I must say this-- I don't own Harry Potter or Tuesdays. Um...J.K.Rowling owns Potter. And as for the Tuesday........ Ask my friend Ayami.....::shonin *cough* shonin:: Scotchtember belongs to Elf-boy and me a little.
SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE FERN OF DOOM
[By: trsolarcat/rocketsolarcat]
::Chapter 1--"Scotchtember is No Time For Komodo Dragons!"::
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Reaching the gigantic doors of the main Hogwarts building Snape flung the doors open rushing in. He was not too occupied to notice how many students were around, nor did he care as he began to scowl a low insult under his breath, which resembled:
"Edible flowers of evil haunt me in my sleep."
[I said it resembled that. He very well could have said something else.]
Making his way through the hall like a menacing radioactive hubcap, the kind you dare not touch or speak to--if that were possible to do, he ranted on. Swiftly going around a corner onto another corridor he found the hall where McGonagall's class was held. Instead of class being in session, there were students lining the entire corridor. Mainly Gryffindor students.
Surprisingly as Snape made his way through the crowd, the students didn't part like the Red Sea. This was particularly disturbing to Snape. As a matter of fact, he didn't ever recall that happening before, ever.
Finally upon reaching the end of the lengthy hall, he spied something out of the five corners of his eyes. Near the candle lit stone wall of the corridor talking to his heart's content was the Boy-Who-Lived. His constant companions were at his side as usual, Granger to the left and Weasley to the right.
How could I miss that? He thought, Severus Snape had for once in his life passed by Harry Potter without deducting class points. The Potions Master took a casual look around, glad for once this day that no other teachers were present to see his 'mistake'.
Almost like hitting rewind on a remote, Snape backed up to about the place where Harry was standing. Clearing his throat, giving the young Gryffindors a chance to mentally write a last will, which is a very useful thing to do, if one is anywhere near Professor Trelawney, her brain is already on 'Death' overload anyhow.
"POTTER! GRANGER! WEASLEY! LAWN GNOME!" Snape yelled rather loudly, the trio jumped to life by his voice,"It is against school rules to stand of one foot, while talking about a sack of potatoes leaking on a Komodo dragon in the month of Scotchtember!"
Potter was wide eyed, confused.
Granger began to nervously twirl her hair, looking everywhere but at Snape.
Weasley was so nervous he was shaking, or maybe he was angry, the Potions Master couldn't tell until he yelled, "Scotchtember!? Who are you to accuse us--"
"WEASLEY! How dare you speak to me that way!" Snape was livid with anger, turning a bright shade of green. He thought about turning red, but then he thought about that Lamp-Toaster thing again, "Sixty Points from Gryffindor!"
The Boy-Who-Lived's face lit up at this, perhaps the mentioning of points being taken away had sprung something in his brain, he countered, "Forty! It's May, not Scotchtember!"
"Fifty-five!"
"Sold to the man in the raccoon suit!" Herminone yelled, "Please pick up your item at the back table, next item please!"
Ron Weasley was disappointed now he hung his head. The Potions Master turned to walk away satisfied at his good work. Snape wore many clothes.
At last after what seemed a seriously long time, girlfriend, Snape made it to Dumbledore's office. All that was left was to get through the password-protected entrance to the Headmaster's room. He whispered the password quietly, so as no one could hear it and he wouldn't have to get so embarrassed, "..Lemon...Drops..."
The door didn't open.
He knew this because he ran into it several times.
Third time was a charm, and he began to spout off more passwords thinking, Dumbledore changed the password? He doesn't usually do that until the end of summer. What was Potter saying about it being May?
Seven more password tried later he found the correct word. It was not grapefruit.
The door creaked open and Snape began to slink up the stairs. Upon entering Snape discovered where all the other teachers and staff in Hogwarts had been whisked away to. Before him stood Dumbledore, the staff and a large bowl of three way chili (But you might not have cared to know that). Dumbledore's eyes were kind as he approached Snape though he looked confused, "Welcome, friend. I assume that is what you are, is a friend, but might I ask: Who are you?"
"Snape! Snape! Professor Severus Snape!" He yelled, but then calmed down realizing it was Albus Dumbledore he was yelling at. One should remember not to yell at their employer, "Surely you must remember me. I live in Hogwarts. I am a professor here. You throw parties over my death every time I'm late from a mission. "
The room suddenly gasped as he mentioned his name. Madam Pomprey and Professor McGonagall covered their faces in shock, as if Snape had said something explicitly horrible [Like this: "Please check the mailbox, I am quite tired and I need to lie down." I am sorry if that offended you because of its vulgarity].
"For the record!" He added, "I own no mongeese!"
A sigh of relief was then issued around the room.
"You….you are…He-Who-Did-Us-All-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute?" Professor Flitwick asked, pointing a shaky finger at the dark-haired Professor.
"I guess if that's what you are calling me now." He scowled in his monotone voice turning to see if Dumbledore believed him.
Snape finally noticed Remus Lupin was present when he spoke up saying, "You do look like him. But wasn't he shorter…and….bald….-er?"
[Wormtongue?]
"I'd have to say Lupin is correct." Professor McGonagall agreed, "You bare a striking resemblance to him."
Dumbledore the whole time was looking straight at the Potions Professor the entire time. Then he said, "Well you do look like him enough to actually be him."
Somewhere a cat is scratching a nice hole in a sandbox. We all know what for! A child then plays sand in the box. This cat belongs not to the authoritrix. Unless…..
Albus Dumbledore had an epiphany.
"So you are!" The old Professor smiled mirthfully.
"So I are!" Snape let this sarcastic comment slip, mocking Dumbledore like a parrot, the grumpy kind that uses its laser beam eyes to stun its prey that happens to coincidentally be small children.
[Snape's soul mate in the animal kingdom.]
Somewhere a little old woman drops an egg upon kitchen floor. She has no more. Yet she knows even if she feels unappreciated her grandchildren still love her. That is the reason she tries to make them brownies every weekend because she cares. Now she's at a stand still: what is to become of her brownies now?
"Nope I still don't believe it."
Snape realized it was going to take a lot of convincing before the staff of Hogwarts would believe that he'd actually come back. With a great sigh, Severus began what seemed an impossible task—for once in his life he wasn't worried about missing the cake from the 'Snape's Dead Party' he was worried about why the staff of had stopped holding them. They truly thought he was dead, to make matters more grave they'd forgotten completely about him, except for his name. He was like Voldemort, minus the pinecones; people were mentioning him like he was something to hide. Something you dare not say the rightful name for or you'd soon be shunned. Like a person with a beanie hat, the scary kind, that maims small children and the elderly.
If Snape were a brittle man this whole thing might upset him. Good thing he always had a nice bucket of cottage cheese in his pocket, or he'd be upset. Cottage Cheese for the Teacher's Soul!
"Now listen here…." He began to explain sitting down on the nearest chair.
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Authoritrix ending notes: Ended very strangely. I don't think I like the ending point. Oh well. Plot twists up in the next one. Yay!
