Authoritrix Notes: Trying to get this story out as fast as I can. Can anyone tell me what's a BETA READER? Does it go good with crackers and cheese? Is it a fish? Wait, wait I know it's a car….I could never remember those names of cars! Is my friend Elf-Boy one? He helps me check my spelling sometimes.

Disclaimer: I own things. This is not one of those 'things' I own. J.K.Rowling owns Harry Potter and all things related to that. MY HAND IS NOT ON FIRE!

Warnings: this is the chapter you mother warned you about….nothing serious.

SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE FERN OF DOOM

By: Trsolarcat/RocketSolarCat

:: Chapter 2-"The Private Investigator And You Know What That Means!"

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After several times, the staff finally believed Snape was who he claimed to be. Saying Snape's name without spontaneously bursting into tears, was a penguin of a different color.

"Say it with me--" Snape kept trying every time someone stuttered or began to call him 'He-Who-Did-Us-All-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute, "--Severus Snape!"

They still refused.

Finally, Dumbledore cleared his throat while Snape was still pressuring Remus into saying his name. Personally Snape didn't care if Lupin ever said his name again for as long as he lived, but just seeing that pale look in Lupin's face was fun enough for the Potions Master.

Anyhow, Dumbledore cleared his throat. ["Hey, Morida, I feel like we've had this conversation before." Bonus points if you get that one.] Getting the groups attention to him again, "Glad to have you back with us….S-S…He-Who--"

"Please!" Snape yelled his hand went over his face harshly, "Just go on."

"Anyhow," Dumbledore began to pace around the room slowly passing by the entire staff, "We are all here to discuss a most important…grave matter. As you all know, well, everyone except S-S….yeah. Everyone but our late arriving personnel knows that a young Hogwarts student was killed last Tuesday. She was of muggle blood, from both sides, and her parents are rich influential people."

He paused before going on, Snape seen McGonagall bow her head, several others did as well, Dumbledore stopped in front of the group, "Now her parents are calling for an investigation of their daughter's death. A muggle investigation…."

Snape could hardly believe this was Albus Dumbledore speaking, he jumped to his feet, "Let a muggle investigate Hogwarts!? Have you all gone mad!?"

"No."

"Yes."

"Can we take a poll?"

No words could express the carpet peeling anger than was inside Snape at that moment. Anger which only elephants secrete.

"Honestly, Snape, ask a more specific question! That could be taken several ways!" Lupin said, reaching over to a table which had many a candy dish upon it. He grabbed a hand full of Lemon Drops shoveling them into his mouth before continuing, "Well what kind of….muggle…investigator is this? Who's doing it?"

Lupin's question diverted everyone's philosophical thinking, this wasn't a school of higher education after all, this was Hogwarts.

"Me." Replied a masculine voice from a darkened corner of the room, somewhere behind Dumbledore.

"Sol!"

"La!"

Snape blinked looking around confused until McGonagall elbowed him clearing her throat, and he instinctively replied, "…Ti…"

"Do!" McGonagall finished.

Somewhere a cow combusts into flames. [The Authoritrix would like to remind everyone, that no animal or gender was harmed in the making of this story. A ranch hand got sick, but it wasn't from a combusting cow.]

Disgusted he'd taken part in that display of insanity Snape hung his head in shame. Not at all caring that there was a muggle present, a muggle who owed the entire room a large explanation.

As the man from the shadows stepped forward, light hit his face. Showing he was taller than most of the other people in the room, he had shoulder length brown hair and a clean shaved face. The muggle man was wearing a long trench coat, and boring attire underneath it consisting of all brown.

Snape looked up, meeting eyes with the man. Something in the man's hazel eyes sparked anger within the dark-haired professor. Snape quickly decided he didn't like this man, or his wallpaper-licking strategy of hiding in the dark.

"Who are you?" Snape asked, in a monotone voice, not taking his eyes off the muggle.

The muggle hesitantly spouted, "Hal Staneswaf Whippoorwill-Alexander--"

"--Banana Fanna Fo Fanna?" Lupin questioned with a suspicious look on his face.

The brown-haired man ignored Lupin going on, "--Private Investigator."

A gasp overcame the room in unison. Snape's eyes grew faster than a Chita Pet on drugs.

"A what?" Professor McGonagall clasped her hands over her mouth, in shock.

"NOT IN MY SCHOOL YOUR NOT!" Snape yelled, he'd guessed this man was up to no good from the start, "Not as long as I am a teacher in this school will I ever let you…..Investigate--that!"

The Investigator was in shock, not at all prepared for this kind of reaction, he began to shockingly explain himself, "I don't think you understand!"

"Muggles call that a job?"

"You get paid for that? That's horrible!"

Snape was glad that for once the staff seemed to be on his side. So glad in fact he had a quick random thought about a dancing pineapple. He'd almost forgot it was Sunday. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. [That whole Sunday piece might not be true.]

Somewhere in space: A couple of astronauts watch as a giant can of hair spray floats aimlessly past the window of their space craft. Thirty minutes later, they are still watching it [I said it was giant].

"My name is not Betty! I wield no potatoes!" The Investigator yelled finally silencing the Hogwarts staff, "Now then, you may not be familiar with what it is exactly that I do. I assure you that this is a job in my world. They even give degrees in--"

"Sickology!" Snape snarled advancing on the Investigator until he was close enough to touch noses with him. Pointing a finger at him he continued, "I don't know what kind of death this girl had but I guarantee it wasn't from that! So you and your degree in Genderology can go catch the next train out, and Private Investigate elsewhere!"

"What me no more! The girl's parents requested it--you have no say in the matter!" The Investigator snarled getting in Snape's face as well. The Potions Master was in no mood to pick a fight after his journey, but if this muggle wanted a fight, he wouldn't back down. The Investigator lowered his voice to a hiss looking into Snape's eyes daringly, "If you do not allow this investigation to be performed without interruptions you'll be forced to close this school....Permanently."

"Never!" Lupin cried also getting to his feet, he looked as if he was grabbing for his wand, about to curse the muggle to oblivion, Dumbledore took this time to get between Lupin before he was upon the Investigator.

Dumbledore's voice was soft, but firm, "..Sn--take your seat, Potions Teacher. Lupin you as well. It seems we have no choice."

Snape slowly obeyed, not turning his back from the muggle as he returned to the velvet seated chair beside the now seated Lupin.

The silver haired Headmaster went on regretfully, "So, the investigation will go on. As of now, Investigator Hal Staneswaf Whipporwill-Alexander..Banana Fanna Fo Fanna--"

He quickly added, "--You are free to roam the castle. You're dismissed to go back to your classes. Tell the students they are to leave Investigator Hal Staneswaf Whipporwill-Alexander alone to his own business. Except you Professor S...--"

Dumbledore pointed offhandedly at the dark-haired Professor, "I'd like to talk to you privately, in my office."

Snape rose slowly eyeing the Investigator as he followed the Headmaster. As the rest of the teachers began to leave as well, downcast and silent. Snape saw the Investigator's eyes shift suspiciously around the staff as if they were all suspected murderers. When the muggle's eyes fell upon Lupin he was surprised to see the shorter man was glaring right back at him, he narrowed his eyes saying to the muggle, "Don't look at me like yo Momma don't feed you!"

As dumb of an insult this was Snape realized Lupin had upset the Investigator just as much if not more than Snape had. The Potions Master made a mental note to send Remus a nice Christmas Card this year, anonymously of course. Perhaps Remus Lupin wasn't near the spineless Gryffindor as Snape had thought.

Then the Potions Master turned following the Headmaster, finally. He knew Dumbledore would ask him for a full report of the events that had taken place since they had seen each other last. Snape wouldn't exactly mind to know what exactly was going on either.

As he entered through another set of mahogany doors that led to Dumbledore's high office Snape spied a calendar on the wall. It was covered in "X"-marks to count the passing days. It was exactly three months, and three weeks since he'd left for the Malfoy Mansion.

He stopped abruptly, "THREE AND A HALF MONTHS!?"

"Yes, I do believe so...such a long time." Dumbledore sighed regretfully shaking his head clicking his tongue in disgust.

Snape fell deadly silent. For all this time he'd thought perhaps that he was gone for years. They'd forgot him after only three months and three weeks.

Snape made another mental note, to scratch off that card to Lupin. As well as the rest of the Hogwarts staff.

He gritted his teeth and followed Dumbledore, after this he was going to deduct a lot of points from Gryffindor to make up for this sour mood he was in.

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Authoritrix says: it has a plot? WHY WHY WHYYYYY?! ^__^;; Thanks for readin' r/r mah plz.

NEXT UP

Chapter 3--"Ferns Aren't Evil, They just Aren't Edible!"

The truth of the fern is about to be known.