Authoritrix Notes: I can't help myself; I'm addicted to writing fics now. I want to see that movie Willard or whatever…Rats kick arse! Just thought I'd say. Thanks everyone who reviewed me, especially Ivory Tower who reviews a lot, which is kewl. But I don't forget those other ones too, thank you also!
Disclaimer: Do you own Harry Potter? Is your name J.K.Rowling? Mine isn't. I don't own even a block of wood that resembles Harry Potter. I don't own Scutes and Latters either, I think one of those game companies does…
SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE FERN OF DOOM
.::Chapter 3-"Ferns Aren't Evil They Just Aren't Edible"::.
By--TrSolarCat/RocketSolarCat
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Soon after Dumbledore and Snape had reached the upper office, the Potions Master took an angry flop down onto another chair. Angry his so-called acquaintances would consider him dead after only three months.
Dumbledore was sitting adjacent to the dark-haired Professor looking rather stoic.
"Three months, huh?" Snape shook his head as he turned in the chair to face the Headmaster. Poised to attack if the older man said anything excessively stupid in his reply. It was Sunday after all.
"Did I say that?" Asked Dumbledore, then got up quickly meandering to another calendar this time placed behind his desk, "No, it's Scotchtember. Lets see, if you were gone three months it would be May."
"Oh," Snape sighed quite relieved but not any less confused by this, "But Potter said it was May, so did that calendar out there in the hall."
Snape mentally slapped himself for using Potter as a reference for any reason what so ever.
"The calendar in the hall? You mean the one in my Drastically Old Calendar collection? I hung that up two years ago, you should know that, seeing as though you have only been absent from Hogwarts thirty days. Besides all that, Mr. Potter always thinks it's May, just like his father did. I believe it's a family defect."
"I had one of those once," Snape nodded in agreement, but then he calmly realized something important, "Donkeys aren't blue! Potter lied! I've only been gone thirty days?!"
All three things were very true.
[Well that Donkey thing might not be, If you've seen donkeys like I have....Isn't coloring donkeys all sorts of illegal?]
Snape's fingers dug into the chair's arms, he quietly kept repeating,'I will not harm the elderly with salad tongs'.
Meanwhile Dumbledore seemed quite self-contained. Opening his mouth to speak yet he didn't immediately, then, "So you say you left...yesterday, huh?"
"Yes." Snape assured him, "Very early yesterday I left for the Malfoy residence. When I came back, everything is like it is now."
"I understand the Malfoy's are very generous with kippers," Dumbledore nodded, "I received several in a Christmas basket last November."
Snape wondered if Dumbledore knew his coat rack was on fire or that he made no sense.
"Oh, I see. You know what? I've been wondering since I got back who did you replace me with?" Snape watched calmly as the coat rack disintegrated into a smoldering lump of ashes.
He was mentally smiling.
Dumbledore was mentally screaming, however. He bit his lip nervous, "Is that a cucumber?"
"I'm positive you replaced me. Probably the first day I was gone." Hissed Snape, not at all wondering about the concept that there might actually be a cucumber present.
"Well…" Dumbledore regretfully began as he took in a long drawn out breath and started to explain, "You see—."
[The Authoritrix would like to your attention to be momentarily distracted. Due to the pain Snape is about to receive from this horrible knowledge.]
A lone stick sits at the base of a flight of stairs somewhere on the grounds of Hogwarts. This stick has made this far journey from the ocean along with the other seashells. [I think I've lost someone.] Suddenly this stick is interrupted in its meditation by a masculine bloodcurdling scream is heard all over the grounds. The stick gains a halo.
Meanwhile back inside Hogwarts, Snape storms out of Dumbledore's office. He still wore clothes, and a lot of them at that. He didn't stop his storming until he reached the dungeons of Hogwarts. Reaching the door on which his name was written deep into a wood plaque on it. He rapped on the door several times.
"I'm coming, hold on!" Called a voice as Snape heard the person sneeze several times as the door began to rattle. The familiar squeak of the door from the rusty hinges, Snape loved that door. The door opened and from the other side Sirius Black pushed his head out. Sirius' nose was red, as he held up a bag of ice over his head. Sirius whined saying, "Oh, no, not you…"
Snape was so shocked he didn't even have enough stamina left in him to yell at Sirius for letting a student in Slytherin die.
"You remember me?" He choked with wide eyes.
"Of course I do." Sirius rolled his eyes, "You all look the same. Like I told your friend yesterday: I don't fancy any weasels! Goodbye!"
Sirius proceeded in closing the door.
Snape's foot caught the door, then pushing a hand into it, he yelled, "DON'T EVEN PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BLACK!"
Sirius looked at Snape strangely then squinted his eyes as if it would help him to figure out the person was. Then, "Nope not pretending."
Proceeded in closing the door again.
"Hey you--!" Snape began to say something resembling a bunch of really nasty words that appall old women and cause them to umbrella-bash the person speaking them. Snape stopped mid-sentence, from behind him he seen that someone else was there. Turning he realized it was the investigator standing there with a pleased smirk.
"Well, well if it isn't Mr. Potion's Teacher…or should I call you: He-Who-Did-Us-All-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute? Should I be worried about this? Isn't it called Forced Entry?"
"No." Snape blinked.
"No," The detective frowned shrugging his shoulders, then he approached, "And I suppose your just helping him fix his old rusty door, Huh?"
"I like my old rusty door!" Snape and Sirius chimed in unison.
Sirius gave Snape a horrible dirty scowl, so dirty dust bunnies collect under it like a 70's furnished couch [You know the earwax yellow colored ones with lime green flowers].
"I suggest you leave, Mr. Snape. You're disrupting my investigation." Investigator Hal growled, as Sirius opened the door a little less.
Snape opened his mouth to argue, but glanced quickly at Sirius then back to Hal with much quickness [Did I mention he did this quickly?]. Pointing to Sirius while looking at Hal he asked, "Your investigation?"
"Yes. That's a good teacher. Now then scurry along and go….teach something." Hal cooed, with much spite and sarcasm. Though Snape was too thrilled to recognize the insult, a creepy grin crept onto the Potions Master's face. Snape's hands fell off the door, and he stepped away gingerly.
"Okay. Very well then, happy private investigating." Snape smiled as he waved offhandedly to the Investigator, taking off down the hall once more.
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As Snape walked rather slowly out of the dungeon he thought out loud. Occasionally answering his own questions in an argumentative debate.
He turned another corner, the dark hall before him had nothing in particular to catch the Potions Master's eyes but as he went on through the corridor he noticed a picture frame. He never noticed one there before, as he passed he stopped turning to face it.
"Very odd." He pulled out his Pocket Edition Scutes and Latters but decided he'd better investigate the picture first. Inside the picture was a scene of a kitchen--nothing strange about that except there was another picture within it [How redundant is that?] that said, 'Kiss the Dark Lord' hanging over the door jamb.
[Jamb is my new word for the year.]
Hearing a loud amount of whistling, Snape looked around for the source, which would most likely be Mrs. Norris. Then he understood that it was coming from the picture frame. Inside a tall rather scary looking man in an apron walked into the scene. He was scary by a five-year-old's standard, not a six-year-old's.
Voldemort? Snape wondered as he scrunched his nose, Voldemort in an apron?
Snape decided with vigor that he would ask Voldemort where he'd come across such a fine apron.
"My Lord!" Lucius Malfoy's annoying cactus-licking voice that made Snape want to lick a cactus rang out, "Something strange is afoot."
Then he added, "The left one!"
Voldemort blinked then looked down at his foot,"Yes. I know it seems that something odd going on. I believe it has something to do with those odd ferns in your front lawn. I think they are very just the herbs I needed to complete this…."
Voldemort pointed to the oven in the corner.
"Really?" Lucius gasped, "Well I was reading, which is something I like to do, when I'm not doing a little macramé. It lowers the blood pressure. Anyhow, I was reading a book called, 'Ten Things to do With a Fern That Doesn't Involve a Phone Booth', it was very interesting. It said if you do some….things you can curse someone with a fern."
Things? Snape wondered, Like?
[Things like this: Have two people say the words "It shall never be winter in this spot again." On a Tuesday the Seventeenth and then the people as well as everything with a 10-mile radius is eternally stuck in whatever date the curse words were chanted. Meaning Lucius, Voldemort and Snape are stuck on Tuesday-just like many people should be.]
"THINGS!" Voldemort yelled, Lucius cowered quite low as the Dark Lord ranted, "THINGS? Of course! Why didn't I see it all before? After I am done with this deliberately ugly birthday cake for Wormtail-let us flee to the scene of the fern!"
With out much warning the oven buzzer went off. Naturally all three of the men: Snape, Voldemort and Lucius chimed in saying what everyone usually says when an oven buzzer goes off:
"NAKED MAN, NAKED MAN—OH COME DOWN NAKED MAN AND I SHALL GIVE YOU SOME STRAWBERRY CAKE!"
[Bjork? Or something surprisingly close to it.]
Voldemort's eyes darted around.
Snape had an odd feeling that the Dark Lord had heard him. He saw the Dark Lord move about the room with his eyes darting about, as he reached out slowly. Dreading it as he got nearer to the front of the picture, Snape backed away. Rushing down the hall, but before he turned the corner his curiosity drew his eyes back. From the picture came a long fingered hand pushed its way through the middle of the picture.
"What's this?" Came Voldemort's voice, as he as well as Lucius came through quickly, "Ah, Lucius this is a nice surprise. Hogwarts, without a ward, and Snape looking like he's in another sauna. They put saunas in Hogwarts now a days?"
Snape turned on his heels, "Lord Voldemort! What a nice…surprise."
Somehow or other the Potions Master thought today would end up, kind of bad. Yet, he didn't expect it to be this bad. As he slowly walked back towards Lucius and Voldemort, Snape realized he'd made a horrible mistake. If only it wasn't a Sunday, this would not have happened.
Snape could see it all now. He'd go down in history as 'He-Who-Let-The-Dark-Lord-Into-Hogwarts-And-Doomed-Us-All-A-Lot' but he wondered if that was any better than his current name. He decided it was a sharp 'no', and it might have been a considered 'maybe' if it was only a Tuesday.
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Authoritrix Final Notes:
Wow, another exciting chapter done. Please be sure to r/r me, or post my name on your local automobile. oO or maybe just review it. Unless your that devoted, then you would scare me. Sorry if I didn't explain the whole fern thing too much, I tried but I couldn't fit it all in.
Next Chapter: "Forget the Ambrosia We've Got the Real Food of The Gods" -- Um…Tropical Trail Mix. Um…
