Authoritrix Notes: AHHHHHHH! OH GAWD GET IT OFF MEEEE! THE FLESH IT
BURNSSS! [Translation: I'd like to thank my cat Rezo again, who's been my
moral support through all of this, and always aims for the vital parts of
the body.] My cousins, who don't even know their names, are on this right
now....
Disclaimer: Not even on a sunny Tuesday in Scotchtember do I own Harry Potter. He and all things related to him belong to J.K.Rowling. Or where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. MY KNEECAP ARG! DEMON! DEVIL NOOOO! EVILLLL! Oh, and I never noticed this but I own Detective Hal.... --AHHHHHHHHHH! ANYTHING BUT MY DAMN KNEECAP!
**********************
SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE FERN OF DOOM
-[Chapter 4 "Forget the Ambrosia we've got the Real Food of the Gods!"]-
By- TRSolarCat/RocketSolarCat
***********************
Severus Snape wasn't ever one to dally around in the halls of Hogwart's but wouldn't it be the Luck of the Teacher that exact thing lead him to letting the Dark Lord into the school. One should always remember never to sing strange things when oven buzzers go off--and that is the kind of knowledge Snape would place bets on.
So he found himself wandering the halls, now accompanied by the two people who made Snape want to cook his doorstop [Which means: They really upset him]. Lucius to his left, and Voldemort to his right they began a slow paced walk--to heaven knows where, as far as the Potions Master was concerned.
"Alright, who wants to play Road Trip Bingo? "Asked a certain blond, who at the moment will be nameless.
Snape gave him a very poisonous glance, but before he could react to this comment the gray and brown Mrs. Norris came around the corner. The cat gave a mournful cry, and turned back. For some reason this brought a glimmer of hope in Snape, knowing Filch wouldn't be far behind.
"What's that, my love?" Came Filch's horrid, grumbling voice as he came around the corner with the usual lantern in his hand. Squinting he got really close to Snape then said, "Professor?"
Snape's goal for this year was to never say anything spitefully sarcastic to the staff of Hogwart's. But he'd already broke that once already so twice wouldn't be too bad, "Why do you have that lantern lit, in broad daylight, grant you this is a dungeon, but we have some nice windows. Oh! Look there's one now!"
Filch looked up as if it he were trying to spot an airplane or something of that nature.
Voldemort did too.
"BINGO!" Lucius joyfully yelled, throwing his hands up, then making a pencil scratch on a tiny notebook, "Snape, you almost had me there. I thought I'd never find a 'window covered in molten lava'."
Snape promised himself he wouldn't go there.
Filch slanted his eyes and looked at Snape once more, "Is everything alright, Professor?"
"No, actually." Replied the professor, preparing to give Filch a message to Dumbledore but the older man just nodded his head.
"That's good."
"What?" Snape frown, beginning to wonder if Filch had just gotten used to Snape denying everything or perhaps Filch had been force-fed too many can's of prune juice lately. Either way Filch hadn't heard him correctly, "No, no you don't understand--"
"Alright, Professor, I'll leave you and your guests alone. But I'd be careful, I think a student is stealing things again...."
"When you say 'a student' you mean Potter?" Snape asked, as Lucius and Voldemort lit up, rather excited.
Filch nodded, then turned and walked away without saying so much as a rusty 'goodbye'.
Almost as if it was on cue, The-Boy-Who-Lived came around the corner as soon as Filch and his rag doll cat disappeared. Harry was humming a rather upbeat tune [It was the Harry Potter main theme because that's all Warner Brothers would allow him to hum. Legally.] , Snape watched as the boy walked past them, not paying them any mind.
Voldemort could care less as well, it seemed.
"POTTER!" Snape yelled, because it was rather entertaining, hearing Harry's shoes squeak to an abrupt halt, "HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY 131st GENDER!"
[And here you thought he forgot about that.]
Lucius made another scratch on the paper in his hands," I did it again! Snape you're the best at this game."
Snape tried not to respond to that. Taking more interest in the brown haired youth, "Potter?"
"Yes, He-Who-Was-Mean-And-Did-Us-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute-So -Lets-Have-A-Party-Yay! What is it?" Harry droned looking into the professor's eyes with a cute smile, which is what he was known best for.
"Wait.... Where are Granger and Weasley?"
"Beats me."
"Are you...."Snape questioned with a disgusted face, "Never mind. Potter, can you deliver a message from me to Dumbledore?" Harry nodded, "Tell him that the chicken is in the blinder."
Harry was looking rather confused by this scrunching up his face, so Snape went on, not concerned that the Dark Lord was over his shoulder listening.
"You know.... The badger has left the nuclear plant." Snape explained, apparently Harry still didn't understand," The mailman has left the post office. Oh! Just tell him Hogwart's is doomed!"
Snape was so angry at the moment it was dangerous, so it was a good thing Potter (finally) understood.
"Wonderful analogy. "Voldemort clapped, nudging Potter by the shoulders,
"Run along now, Potter, you have to get that message to Dumbledore." Voldemort waved to the Boy-Who-Lived as he turned skipping his way back up the hall. Lucius however was too busy with the pencil and paper checking off things at random times. Voldemort turned to the black-haired professor, "Who's the 'chicken in the blinder'? I am being facetious, of course."
"Why were we here again, my lord? "Lucius suddenly looked quite disturbed, putting the tiny notebook back into his robes, somewhere or other [You know what that means].
"Why where else, but the girl's bathroom. "Voldemort laughed rabidly, as Snape's eyes grew very largely, Lucius cheered very solaced (indeed).
Seeing this Voldemort added,"...To the hidden entrance to The Chamber of Really Special Things, naturally..."
Snape sighed, deeply. But then wondered if Voldemort meant something other, like: The Chamber of Secrets.
---------------------------
Harry meanwhile, skipped joyfully up to the Headmaster's office, reaching the door he spoke the password. Which was still not grapefruit. Bursting into the room, "HEADMASTER! HEADMASTER! THERE'S A BODY IN THE WINDOW SEAT!"
Dumbledore gave a shocked look, only then did Harry notice the Gryffindor Head of House was there also. McGonagall approached the brown-haired boy, sweetly saying, "Oh, no, Darling Mortimer, we put him there. The poor soul."
Harry seemed satisfied with that answer.
"Who told you that, Harry. "Dumbledore was still looking worried. Harry quickly told him--well as quickly as you can say: 'He-Who-Did-Us-All-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute', which isn't fast at all.
---------------------------
In the girl's bathroom: Snape, Lucius and the Dark Lord were trying to fend off the rightfully insane females who occupied themselves with pelting the three men with walri, and very ripe walri at that.
[Wow, I never knew 'walri' was plural for 'walrus', I always thought it was 'walruses' or something. This subject was debated with Elf-boy for several minutes, he convinced me it was more grammatically correct to say 'walri'.]
When they finally had gotten into the dark underground chamber, covered in Snake statues on either side of it leading to a larger statue then the rest. Torches lined the room, already burning brightening the room. Voldemort gave an impressive jig in the middle of the misty chamber--stopping quickly--"Something isn't right here..."
"Yes." Snape agreed, looking about the cobwebbed, filth-covered cavern, "Is it the musky air, the newly lit torches, or the--"
"--BOWL OF TRAIL MIX! "Lucius screamed, randomly, giving a tug on Snape's arm where he'd latched onto in fear, pointing off to a short column that held a small red bowl on it--in the middle of the room. Lucius squeezed the Potions Master's arm tighter, with narrow eyes he continued, "And it's.... Tropical."
Voldemort looked worried now.
"Well, done, Lucius." Laughed another cold voice from somewhere in the shadows [You know what that means],"You always were good at that sort of thing. That's what I get for being hired by a Carmen Sandiego fan!"
Coming into the light Snape saw for the first time, the true mastermind behind the entire incident.
"MY LANDSCAPER?!" Lucius cried, as Snape's arm went very, very numb.
---------------------------------
Authoritrix notes: PLEASE forgive me, I had the hardest time writing this chapter and I had another writer's block, I promise next chapter will be better. BTW: I used Arsenic and Old Lace in this one, just in case you didn't catch it, but your smart people so.... Thanks. R/r please.
Next Up-- "Chapter 5--Betty Dark Lord of the Potatoes"
Disclaimer: Not even on a sunny Tuesday in Scotchtember do I own Harry Potter. He and all things related to him belong to J.K.Rowling. Or where in the World is Carmen Sandiego. MY KNEECAP ARG! DEMON! DEVIL NOOOO! EVILLLL! Oh, and I never noticed this but I own Detective Hal.... --AHHHHHHHHHH! ANYTHING BUT MY DAMN KNEECAP!
**********************
SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE FERN OF DOOM
-[Chapter 4 "Forget the Ambrosia we've got the Real Food of the Gods!"]-
By- TRSolarCat/RocketSolarCat
***********************
Severus Snape wasn't ever one to dally around in the halls of Hogwart's but wouldn't it be the Luck of the Teacher that exact thing lead him to letting the Dark Lord into the school. One should always remember never to sing strange things when oven buzzers go off--and that is the kind of knowledge Snape would place bets on.
So he found himself wandering the halls, now accompanied by the two people who made Snape want to cook his doorstop [Which means: They really upset him]. Lucius to his left, and Voldemort to his right they began a slow paced walk--to heaven knows where, as far as the Potions Master was concerned.
"Alright, who wants to play Road Trip Bingo? "Asked a certain blond, who at the moment will be nameless.
Snape gave him a very poisonous glance, but before he could react to this comment the gray and brown Mrs. Norris came around the corner. The cat gave a mournful cry, and turned back. For some reason this brought a glimmer of hope in Snape, knowing Filch wouldn't be far behind.
"What's that, my love?" Came Filch's horrid, grumbling voice as he came around the corner with the usual lantern in his hand. Squinting he got really close to Snape then said, "Professor?"
Snape's goal for this year was to never say anything spitefully sarcastic to the staff of Hogwart's. But he'd already broke that once already so twice wouldn't be too bad, "Why do you have that lantern lit, in broad daylight, grant you this is a dungeon, but we have some nice windows. Oh! Look there's one now!"
Filch looked up as if it he were trying to spot an airplane or something of that nature.
Voldemort did too.
"BINGO!" Lucius joyfully yelled, throwing his hands up, then making a pencil scratch on a tiny notebook, "Snape, you almost had me there. I thought I'd never find a 'window covered in molten lava'."
Snape promised himself he wouldn't go there.
Filch slanted his eyes and looked at Snape once more, "Is everything alright, Professor?"
"No, actually." Replied the professor, preparing to give Filch a message to Dumbledore but the older man just nodded his head.
"That's good."
"What?" Snape frown, beginning to wonder if Filch had just gotten used to Snape denying everything or perhaps Filch had been force-fed too many can's of prune juice lately. Either way Filch hadn't heard him correctly, "No, no you don't understand--"
"Alright, Professor, I'll leave you and your guests alone. But I'd be careful, I think a student is stealing things again...."
"When you say 'a student' you mean Potter?" Snape asked, as Lucius and Voldemort lit up, rather excited.
Filch nodded, then turned and walked away without saying so much as a rusty 'goodbye'.
Almost as if it was on cue, The-Boy-Who-Lived came around the corner as soon as Filch and his rag doll cat disappeared. Harry was humming a rather upbeat tune [It was the Harry Potter main theme because that's all Warner Brothers would allow him to hum. Legally.] , Snape watched as the boy walked past them, not paying them any mind.
Voldemort could care less as well, it seemed.
"POTTER!" Snape yelled, because it was rather entertaining, hearing Harry's shoes squeak to an abrupt halt, "HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY 131st GENDER!"
[And here you thought he forgot about that.]
Lucius made another scratch on the paper in his hands," I did it again! Snape you're the best at this game."
Snape tried not to respond to that. Taking more interest in the brown haired youth, "Potter?"
"Yes, He-Who-Was-Mean-And-Did-Us-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute-So -Lets-Have-A-Party-Yay! What is it?" Harry droned looking into the professor's eyes with a cute smile, which is what he was known best for.
"Wait.... Where are Granger and Weasley?"
"Beats me."
"Are you...."Snape questioned with a disgusted face, "Never mind. Potter, can you deliver a message from me to Dumbledore?" Harry nodded, "Tell him that the chicken is in the blinder."
Harry was looking rather confused by this scrunching up his face, so Snape went on, not concerned that the Dark Lord was over his shoulder listening.
"You know.... The badger has left the nuclear plant." Snape explained, apparently Harry still didn't understand," The mailman has left the post office. Oh! Just tell him Hogwart's is doomed!"
Snape was so angry at the moment it was dangerous, so it was a good thing Potter (finally) understood.
"Wonderful analogy. "Voldemort clapped, nudging Potter by the shoulders,
"Run along now, Potter, you have to get that message to Dumbledore." Voldemort waved to the Boy-Who-Lived as he turned skipping his way back up the hall. Lucius however was too busy with the pencil and paper checking off things at random times. Voldemort turned to the black-haired professor, "Who's the 'chicken in the blinder'? I am being facetious, of course."
"Why were we here again, my lord? "Lucius suddenly looked quite disturbed, putting the tiny notebook back into his robes, somewhere or other [You know what that means].
"Why where else, but the girl's bathroom. "Voldemort laughed rabidly, as Snape's eyes grew very largely, Lucius cheered very solaced (indeed).
Seeing this Voldemort added,"...To the hidden entrance to The Chamber of Really Special Things, naturally..."
Snape sighed, deeply. But then wondered if Voldemort meant something other, like: The Chamber of Secrets.
---------------------------
Harry meanwhile, skipped joyfully up to the Headmaster's office, reaching the door he spoke the password. Which was still not grapefruit. Bursting into the room, "HEADMASTER! HEADMASTER! THERE'S A BODY IN THE WINDOW SEAT!"
Dumbledore gave a shocked look, only then did Harry notice the Gryffindor Head of House was there also. McGonagall approached the brown-haired boy, sweetly saying, "Oh, no, Darling Mortimer, we put him there. The poor soul."
Harry seemed satisfied with that answer.
"Who told you that, Harry. "Dumbledore was still looking worried. Harry quickly told him--well as quickly as you can say: 'He-Who-Did-Us-All-A-Great-Favor-And-Is-Dead-Right-This-Minute', which isn't fast at all.
---------------------------
In the girl's bathroom: Snape, Lucius and the Dark Lord were trying to fend off the rightfully insane females who occupied themselves with pelting the three men with walri, and very ripe walri at that.
[Wow, I never knew 'walri' was plural for 'walrus', I always thought it was 'walruses' or something. This subject was debated with Elf-boy for several minutes, he convinced me it was more grammatically correct to say 'walri'.]
When they finally had gotten into the dark underground chamber, covered in Snake statues on either side of it leading to a larger statue then the rest. Torches lined the room, already burning brightening the room. Voldemort gave an impressive jig in the middle of the misty chamber--stopping quickly--"Something isn't right here..."
"Yes." Snape agreed, looking about the cobwebbed, filth-covered cavern, "Is it the musky air, the newly lit torches, or the--"
"--BOWL OF TRAIL MIX! "Lucius screamed, randomly, giving a tug on Snape's arm where he'd latched onto in fear, pointing off to a short column that held a small red bowl on it--in the middle of the room. Lucius squeezed the Potions Master's arm tighter, with narrow eyes he continued, "And it's.... Tropical."
Voldemort looked worried now.
"Well, done, Lucius." Laughed another cold voice from somewhere in the shadows [You know what that means],"You always were good at that sort of thing. That's what I get for being hired by a Carmen Sandiego fan!"
Coming into the light Snape saw for the first time, the true mastermind behind the entire incident.
"MY LANDSCAPER?!" Lucius cried, as Snape's arm went very, very numb.
---------------------------------
Authoritrix notes: PLEASE forgive me, I had the hardest time writing this chapter and I had another writer's block, I promise next chapter will be better. BTW: I used Arsenic and Old Lace in this one, just in case you didn't catch it, but your smart people so.... Thanks. R/r please.
Next Up-- "Chapter 5--Betty Dark Lord of the Potatoes"
