Authoritrix Notes: Sorry if that last chapter ended in a "cliff-hanger", I hear that's a bad thing. o.O I have no idea… Disclamer: *a clam comes up opening. A small note inside reads: 'The Authoritrix would like to mention once more that she doesn't own Harry Potter, or anything sane and recognizable.'*
Severus Snape and the Fern of Doom
by Trsolarcat/RocketSolarcat
Chapter 5: "Betty the Dark Lord of Potatoes!"
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"Landscaper?" The black-haired professor asked reluctantly, as he made one of those faces his mother always told him would stick if he held it for too long. (What did the old woman know about that sort of thing anyhow?) Lucius nodded, still somewhat hiding behind the Potions Master.
The landscaper on the other hand was looking rather gendered and evil. Saying,"At last the day has come, Lucius—oh! And those other too that are your friends—."
Severus proceeded to ignore the gardener, a lot.
"So, who won this one, I know it wasn't me." He asked pulling out a slip of paper that was shoved inside his robes,"I thought it would be a twicker—."
[Cough cough—Quirrell!—]
"Dumbledore voted for someone from the Ministry, Harry voted for someone someone irrelevant and not mentioned from the school, McGonagall voted for…me," Snape stopped making a pouting face, "Thanks Minerva. And Voldemort voted for himself…which makes a whole lot of sense, and Lucius, for his evil landscaper—making him the winner."
Lucius did the happy dance, while Snape and Voldemort reached in their pockets for the half of the bet money. Throwing it at him with much spite.
"…Hello? I'm evil—listen to me!" The landscaper waved his hands in front of his face, enraged for the three men were still not paying him any mind.
Suddenly, without much warning a rather brown potato met with Snape's forehead.
"What the hell—?" Snape screeched somewhere from the ground, a large bruise upon his face.
"I warned you." The landscaper hissed with slanted eyes,"Those who mess with Betty perish."
"Betty?" Voldemort asked, giving him a skeptical glance,"The Betty?"
Snape looked confused and very potato-whacked. Looking around the dark chamber, he heard something from deep with the bowels of the dark cave. Something was coming closer.
"My Lord, do you think we could postpone this conversation?" Severus asked hearing a crash as something came closer.
"I don't think you'll want to leave, you see I picked up some rather interesting people in my travels to this chamber." Betty told them, giving an evil glance right into the eyes of the Potions Master before going on he snapped his fingers. The noise was so close to them now, an ominous black shadow hovered over Betty from behind. With a swift movement, something was flung out from the shadow. Landing behind them were several large web-like cocoons—holding people in them, no less.
"A giant spider?" Snape wondered aloud as he seen Lucius' eyes grow very un-narrow again.
"Draco?" Lucius asked, looking towards one of the cocoons which had blond hair hanging from it.
"…huh?" Came the reply as the cocoon shuffled, indeed it was Draco inside the shell.
"SON!"
"FATHER!"
"SON!"
This went on for twenty minutes.
Far, far away—in the savage jungles of Alaska, if that helps any—a nature show host is with a young cameraman (the stupid ones that ask those shifty-eyed questions about snakes and such). The nature man urges the man forward towards a seen of a small baby Three-Toed-Mara-Sloth. Then he says to the rolling camera: "This is how the baby Mara-Sloth calls it's parents back to it—!"
"FATHER!" Draco randomly screamed for the sixteenth time as Snape became very annoyed, and throws the stray potato, that still had his blood on it, at the blond-haired boy—silencing him.
Lucius shrugged.
Betty was enjoying himself at the Tropical Trail Mix bowl, when Severus finally asked,"Is that really tropical?" After hitting himself he rephrased the question,"So what do you plan on doing with us now, Betty?"
"Betty the Dark Lord of Potatoes has not decided this yet." The landscaper told them all in third person, for some reason,"Perhaps I will let the spider kill you. Or perhaps I will kill you just as I did that girl…"
"Ah-hah!" Called a voice from the darkness, then the brown-haired Private Investigator emerged with Lupin, McGonagall, Black and Potter by his side,"So it was you—I knew it all along!"
Snape felt something inside him turn very bitter and so he yelled,"Shut up! Chadwick Marywither the Third!"
[Good Charlotte?]
"There is no Marywither in my name!" Hissed Hal getting rather close to the Potions Master. Sirius pulled him away, as McGonagall. Lupin and Potter stood watching in awe as Hal struggled like a rabid eggplant,"I'll Marywither your arse into next Tuesday!"
"Is that a big spider?" Potter asked, curiously of Betty whom he was smiling at in his innocent kind of way standing rather close to him.
"Scary child with the Hypnotic Smiling Powers of Good, please back away from Betty!" He yelled, as the spider moved swiftly—Potter was now trapped within a web-like substance.
"Ah!" Voldemort screamed flailing his arms with a diseased scrunchy,"Were all doomed, Potter has failed! Wait—."
["Ursula! I found your scrunchy!"]
Voldemort pulled out a notebook from his pocket, and began to take notes. If this Dark Lord could defeat the great Harry Potter—no telling what Betty Dark Lord of the Potatoes could accomplish.
"Now then, now that enough…players have arrived, I have something to ask of you all." Betty cooed as he looked over his guest (four teachers, a dark lord, two students and a rich blond),"I wish to play a rousing game of—!"
With that the entire party screamed bloody murder.
"How dare you? You're no better than the Private Investigator!" McGonagall ranted, pointing to Betty odiously.
"You can't do that, there are children present!" Lucius concluded, gesturing to his son in the cocoon as well as Harry—though he probably didn't do it for Potter's good welfare as much as his son's good.
"I said: a rousing not arousing!" The Potato Dark Lord loudly informed them, as a large sigh of relief was issued around the chamber,"If you get aroused by Hot Potato, something is wrong with you. Unless…"
[Here we go with that again.]
"Hot potato?" Snape scaled his hand in the burning water, saying sardonically,"Oh, great and evil Betty, I do not want to taste your powerful wrath of potato! Just let us go, you nut!"
"You have angered Betty!" The landscaper screeched then calmly smoothed his hair,"Alright, to be fair I'll explain the rules. The person with the potato—."
A potato was thrown into the side of Sirius' face, as he fell over twitching in bloody sput-pelted horror Betty went on,"…Will be first up. Pass the wonder spud to many a person until the polka music which my assistant—." He pointed to a corner of the room where a dark figure, that just so happened to be Peter Petigrew was seated, with a tape player.
"WORMTAIL?!" Voldemort voiced,"How could you?"
Peter gave him a narrow-eyed look, gritting his teeth,"That cake was ugly."
"…Anyhow, when the music stops, you die if you hold the potato or…my spider eats you first." Quickly the other Dark Lord told them,"Now lets begin."
"Wait, wait." Sirius held his hand out,"Give me a second to think of a horribly ingenious plot, now let's see. Oh! I got it. Lupin do you still have that nose-kazoo I gave you on your Un-birthday?"
"Yes, why?" Lupin pulled it out as the others watched in amazement (it was a very nice kazoo), Sirius leaned over telling Lupin the plot to get away from this evil Potato Master. Straightening up once more, the two stood tall, Lupin rose his kazoo triumphantly, playing a note.
Then Sirius' voice rung out in perfect pitch,"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear Sna-ape-e! Happy birthday to you!"
Handing the brown potato to Snape Remus asked him joyfully,"Isn't it what you always wanted? A potato and an Arachnid?"
"I hate you all!" Was all the Potions Master got to say, before the polka music began, and the spider stepped forward. He quickly searched his pockets for his wand, finding it was on vacation he dashed away for the entrance of the chamber, the ground began to shake—the spider was right after him.
Authoritrix notes: last two parts are up next. Actually the last part and a afterwards thing. ^-^;; At least it's almost done, huh?
Next chapter: "Yay! It's everybody's birthday!"
