TITLE: Angry All The Time
Chapter Two: (It's Hard) Letting You Go

AUTHOR: Lucky Star (JjsLuckyStar@aol.com)

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the 7th Heaven characters, but as a writer I claim the right to alter facts and fill in blanks as needed...Please don't sue me. I'm writing only for fun. Any unfamiliar faces are figments of my twisted imagination.

CHARACTERS: The Camden family and a few other familiar faces. Possibly some new faces. Features Lucy in the lead role

SUMMARY: Lucy has left Kevin and is making her way back to Glen Oak with her four kids (Kevin Jr, Caroline, Brian, and Rory Anne)

SPOILERS: None, really.

ARCHIVE: Sure, just let me know

FEEDBACK: Definitely! JjsLuckyStar@aol.com

WARNING: This fic deals with domestic violence. Please do not read if you think you will be upset by such issues.

Angry All The Time
Chapter 2/?
A 7th Heaven Song Fic by Lucky Star
Using Bon Jovi's (It's Hard) Letting You Go


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It ain't no fun lying down to sleep
And there ain't no secrets left for me to keep
I wish the stars up in the sky
Would all just call in sick
And the clouds would take the moon out
On some one-way trip
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Kevin Kinkirk usually stopped for a beer after work every evening. Tonight he headed straight home. Lucy hadn't answered the phone at all. Completely unlike her. Completely unacceptable. She knew better. And there was only one reason she would not answer the phone.

Kevin sighed as he let himself into the house. The minivan was gone. Lucy was gone. Finally. Part of him wondered what had taken her so long. Thirteen years and four kids. She should have been gone long ago. The other part resented her for it. For leaving. Getting out.

He never meant to get so out of control. He'd lost his head once, then twice. Three times. Four. And before long it was habit. Routine. Normal. Expected. Sometimes worth it just for the making up. When he held her in his arms, when he kissed her trembling lips, when he felt her surrender to his touch...

And he felt like total scum on the bottom of his shoe for even thinking it. He knew he was a monster. He had stood by and watched it happen. Little by little, day by day until he barely recognized himself.

Every day played the same, week after week, month after month, year after year. Lucy fixed his breakfast, and he belittled her in some way to start his day feeling strong and dominant. Hardly fair to Lucy, but a huge boost to his ego.

He hated his job most days, and hated his partner every day. When he chose to sign on as a police officer, he imagined car chases like on TV and the movies every day. He thought he would walk the streets with a gun in one hand, a billy club I the other. He thought he would have the infinite power.

He didn't day dream about sitting at a desk or worse, sitting in a stuffy car with Frank Yates on long, boring stake outs. He didn't think about sitting around at all.

He needed action, adventure. He needed a challenge. He needed something to get his blood boiling, his heart pumping. He never meant to take it out on Lucy. It just happened...And when it was done he couldn't take it back.

Kevin fixed a ham sandwich for dinner, a chore he had not had to do himself for thirteen years, except the few times Lucy was in the hospital. He threw it away after two half-hearted bites, and washed it down with a cold beer.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I drove all night down streets that wouldn't bend
But somehow they drove me back here once again
To the place I lost at love, and the place I lost my soul
I wish I'd just burn down this place that we called home
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He dreaded the climb up the stairs to the bedroom without Lucy.

After two hours tossing and turning, he got up and stood in the shower. Hot water did little to cleanse his aching soul. He had finally gotten what he deserved.

He closed his eyes and imagined the house in flames. Let his miserable, pathetic, monstrous life go up in smoke. It would be a fitting end, he knew. Leave nothing more than a pile of ashes. Maybe that was more than he deserved.

He never deserved Lucy, that much he knew for certain.

He remembered how spunky she had been that day in the airport, after security confiscated her bag. How she had made outrageous threats, how she had stood her ground even when the odds stacked higher and higher against her. He had fallen instantly in love with her.

And this is how he repaid her? By making her life a living hell for thirteen years?

She hadn't seen it coming, and quit honestly, neither had he. He was sitting, watching the game one night after a particularly rough day at work. He reacted to her hands, touching him, invading his space, and he'd blown a fuse as he lunged to his feet, fists swinging. He had been just as shocked as she looked. He would never forget the shadow of fear and disappointment in her eyes. He had let her down.

He would have done anything to take it back. Instead he let it happen again and again, over and over, thousands of time, maybe millions.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It would all have been so easy
If you'd only made me cry
And told me how you're leaving me
To some organ grinder's lullaby
It's hard, so hard - it's tearing out my heart
It's hard letting you go
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Kevin turned off the shower long after the water had run cold. He dressed in jeans and a T-shirt and stood in the middle of his bedroom. Her bedroom. Their bedroom. The room looked like no one lived in it. Less personal than a hotel room, if that was possible. No cozy, friendly, appealing pictures on the walls. No wedding pictures, no pictures of the kids lined up on the dresser. Nothing personal anywhere in sight. Just furniture and walls. Plain, like their lives.

So many times he had imagined Lucy confronting him, refusing to take another blow. He needed her to force him to admit he had a problem. Even though he knew his anger was out of control, he couldn't face it on his own, and he didn't have to face it at all as long as she let him get away with it.

He'd thought about leaving her, many times. He knew she and the kids would be better off without him. She would go home, to her parents and her family. They would never hurt her. He would never do it, though. Could never do it. He loved her too much, and he was selfish.

He turned from the room and shut off the light. If Lucy could leave, so could he.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Now the sky, it shines a different kind of blue
And the neighbor's dog don't bark like he used to
Well - me, these days I just miss you - it's the nights that I go insane
Unless you're coming back for me
That's one thing I know that won't change
It's hard, so hard - it's tearing out my heart It's hard letting you go
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Kevin sat in his car, in the garage, hunched over the steering wheel crying. How had he let it go this far? How had it come to this? He banged his head against the hard metal and thought about turning the engine on, put himself out of his misery.

Instead he raised the garage and put the car in reverse. He would just have to follow her to Glen Oak and beg forgiveness there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


End Part Two. I tried to paint Kevin somewhat sympathetically. Let me know what you think! Thanks. Lucky Star (JjsLuckyStar@aol.com)