i got my head but my head is unraveling
can't keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
i got my heart but my heart's no good
and you're the only one that's understood
 
i come along but i don't know where you're taking me
i shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more i give to you the more i die
               nine inch nails
 
 
 
 
 
decisions
 

            We all have to make decisions sometimes. Inevitable ones, I suppose. For me, I don't know where to start and can tell you that maybe there is no place to start… no beginning and no end. I can't claim not to torture myself because I do. I do obsessively go over my thoughts time and time again with the same question what have I done wrong playing like a broken record. But in retrospect, I do make decisions. Important ones. Decisions with altering circumstances. Decisions that make me start obsessing over the outcome. Like now.

            Once upon a time, in between leaving my family and entering a new one, I could justifiably declare a form of naivety. Put into perspective, a thirteen-fourteen year old girl and what she rather be thinking about… boys or who's about to try kill her next? I spent thirteen years of life in a family bred solely for the protection of the people of Japan and to instill balance between the spirit and the walking realms. That was the life that could have claim me and that essentially claimed the very life of my father and the sanity of my mother. Then came my year of limbo… What was I supposed to do? Think normal thirteen year old thoughts? About boys and friends and school? I've never had that opportunity. There was always much more important things to think about. But that year, I began to shut off those thirteen years as if they had never existed. A bad dream. Until a cat.

            Not many people can say that a cat screwed up their life. Then again, I can't really say that my life hadn't been one of those quasi-perfect lives because it hadn't been. But it was like having a chance at a moment to sit back and finally be able to breathe normally but that it disappeared once you touched it. Anyway, Luna the talking cat… no I'm not insane just yet. I can't really explain the concept of the double-edged destiny, but I have it unfortunately both as a guardian and a priestess and as a well… thus the embarrassment… a sailor senshi… I don't know what to tell you or how to describe my feelings on wearing a barely there mini-skirt. So we won't go there. Plus I'm trying to sit here and enjoy my chocolate milkshake. If anyone ever wants to end the world, chocolate is my weakness. Just thought I should put it out there.

            So yeah, sailor senshi. Femme-superhero with a talking cat. Oh and four other femme-superhero heroes.  Named after celestial bodies, mind you… moon, mercury, mars, jupiter, and venus. I just happened to be the elected-leader of the group, moon… the klutz. Alright, I'm not a klutz honest to god. I can walk on my own two feet, but I do have to maintain an image. It all goes back to the double-edged destiny. They can't find out about the past. It's too dangerous… for me and those who I care about… Although, I'm not happy with the stupid mini-skirt prospect. I'd go into this whole monologue, really I would, about being the fighter for love and justice who's looking for some mythological princess and how much I want to be a normal seventeen year old girl. But honestly, I'm not going to delve into my feelings because I really don't think about it. It's a routine to say the least and I planned to keep that way.

            Yeah, I said planned. God, what I wouldn't do for another chocolate milkshake… Anyway, the whole skirt business has become like routine much like the other things in my life. Get up, fight with younger brother, eat, run into Mamoru-baka, be bored at school, senshi business, senshi business, homework, senshi business, yell at Luna and baby-brat of a brother, more senshi business, and finally two to three hours of sleep. And the girls wonder why I'm tired…

            So I planned for this to be a routine. It would've been something to take my mind off the memories that I do carry of my real family and the people that I cared about that I left behind. As a sidebar, it was like trading four for four. Four of my best friend for four different friends, different circumstances with same situations. Anyway with this routine plan of mine, during the day I didn't have think about things and then progressively into the night I'd have to confront the memories. It all comes down to the eighteenth birthday, but that's a story for a different time, I suppose. Anyway it worked well, I guess… that's until another factor came into play.

            Chiba Mamoru, cynical bastard extraordinaire.

            Can't say I didn't like him in the beginning. He was and still is an ass, a pompous ass to be precise. He does get off on teasing me and half the time I want to hex him well into the next life for someone else to deal with. But then I did like him, the half-wit Adonis. He was intelligent, very few people can claim that they're intelligent mind you. His aura circulates a hidden kindness and trust. Despite how much of a prat and an ass he can be, he is trust-worthy. He's saved my life.

            Yes, I do know he's Tuxie with his dashing good looks and whatnot. It is obvious. Same aura, same voice, same annoying tendency to prove that chivalry still exists these days. Just put two and two together folks. Not that hard. Onto the other problem…

            "Odango-atama…"

            Speaking of the Devil's spawn.

            I looked up, hand twirling the straw in my melting milkshake. "Problem?"

            He seemed taken at back with my tone of voice. If he came back in hour, I could pull off the ditzy-act if he wanted me to. I'm in a thinking mood, pondering the works of the universe… So sue me.

            He leaned forward, ebony bangs falling into his eyes. He reached up with one green-sleeved arm and pushed them away, only to have them fall into her face again. God, I hated that green jacket.

            "As a matter of fact, I do have a problem. You're in my booth."

            See, after the fact that I gave him a remote form of praise the idiot goes ahead and ruins it. Well, then if he wanted a verbal spar. I'd be more than happy too. It'll take some things off my mind.

            "One would think you'd have a thing for me, Odango," he drawled.

            "Really," I countered, eyes studying him for a moment. "Like I'd want to join the masses of big-breasted women falling at your feet. As for the booth reference, next time carve your damn name into it next time."

            Ass.

            He reached over and grabbed my milkshake. My goddamn milkshake… He lifted the straw up to his lips, eyes watching me with interest. Christ, invading my personal space and drinking my chocolate milkshake. You're lucky I'm in love with you, you ass.

            "Good," he spoke off, licking his lips.

            Let me reiterate, a five-year old ass.

            I'm done.

            Reaching over to grab my bag, I slammed down some change for the shake and got up to leave. Out of all days, I had to deal with him. Will the universe stop playing games with my life?

            "Where are you going, Odango?"

            I turned slightly, hand on the handle of the door. "Away," I answered slowly. "Away from you."

            So I left him there, empty chocolate milkshake and all. After all, he was the interruption in my routine of things. Sometimes he drove the nightmares away, sometimes he brought them on a platter for me. Chiba Mamoru had somehow wedged his way into my train of thoughts, whether I wanted him to or not. I could not control the affect the ass had on me. It was out of my hands, much with the idea that I was in love with him. I am in love with him.

            "Odango!"

            Shit.

            "Odango, wait up!"

            I stopped, waiting for him to catch up. I don't know why I took the abuse sometimes. It's a sick thought to think that I liked this attention he gave me. This kind of attention could put you in therapy for years. Then again, my life was grounds in general for a lifetime therapy session.

            "You okay?"

            I cocked an eyebrow. Concern? I'm touched.

            "Fine. You need something?"

            He studied me for a moment. I fidgeted. I hated when people gave me a stare-down. It was like being a mouse in a maze with all the scientists staring at you. That or the obnoxious seven year old poking you. He reached out and grasped my arm, his grip gentle but firm. Oh, like hell was I going to stick around and tell you the story of my life Mamoru-baka. I worry about me and you go back to obsessing over your goddamn princess who probably nothing more than a figment of your fucking imagination.

            "Want to talk about it?"

            Want me to tell you to fuck off? God, I hate getting angry. I get all foul-mouthed and everything. Although, I've been told it's very entertaining. Wonder what would happen if Sailor Moon were to develop a foul-mouth…

            "Odango?"

            "Is that the extent of your vocabulary, Satan's spawn? Odango, odango, odango… Blah, blah, blah-blah, blah… I just want to go home and get aspirin. Is that so wrong?"

            Come on, soak up my words and leave me the hell alone… He let go of my arm and gave a dejected sigh. Please, any other day I'd fall for it… not today though. He leaned forward, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. God, I'm looking at an hour of dreamless sleep tonight. The other two are going to be pretty occupied.

            "You know it might help to talk about. With one of your friends," he said softly.

            "Right-ooo. What are you my therapist? Just let me go home."

            He sighed and I took this as defeat and started walking away. No offense, but you worry about your problems and I mine. I can't afford to get people involved in any aspect.

            I tightened my hold on my book bag.

             Wonder if my mom's up for some pampering?

**

            She hurt.

            Pain rain through out her entire body---her legs, her arms, her head… what would it feel like to die right now? She hurt. She didn't want to hurt… break, break, break… She heard murmurs, names even. Someone was calling her? Cries, mumbles---it hurt, everything. Nothing was clear, vision fading… I will take the pain away, Kotori… let me help go in peace.

            I don't want to die.

            but you must, for Kamui's sake and interest. remember the promise day.

            I don't want to die. I cannot die, here.

            the promise day---destiny, 'tis your destiny.

            Her eyes shot open with her vision clearing. Her eyes were blue again.

            The ground shook.

            It was never my destiny to begin with.

**

            Ever get that feeling? You know the feeling when something terrible is going to happen? I can feel it, it has been bugging me all day. I'm snappy towards everyone, tired, and I'm actually brooding. Even my mother's pampering doesn't work.

            I walk towards the window in my room and sit down. Luna's sleeping on the ledge. The sun's setting. Usually there's a spectrum of all colors, but the sky's red. Red's an omen, a bad sign. I reached out, tracing the glass with an outstretched hand. cold.

            What's wrong with me? I can't stop thinking. Not even the small things, anymore… Sailor Moon doesn't matter. The princess doesn't matter. Me being in love with Mamoru doesn't matter. The past seems to be creeping up on me. I can feel its hand wrap around me, its claw digging into my---Luna?

            "The communicator had been ringing. There's a situation down near CLAMP…"

            But I didn't hear her. Luna didn't matter.

            It wasn't even my destiny to begin with.

            I went out the front door this time.

**