Lust: Louise

            Lust, it's one of the seven deadly sins, and one of my ex-boyfriends said I was sin incarnate. So I guess it fits. I lust after lots of different things from boys to the perfect shade of lip gloss, from a prefect GPA to the new Kate Spade purse I saw at Barneys on my last trip to the city. What's so deadly about that? I want things, big deal, so does everyone. Except for those noble Ned Flanders do-gooders, and you don't want to get me started on them.

            As Madonna said "We are living in a material world and I am a material girl'". And I am a material girl; I feel no shame in saying that. Material possessions can always be had, as long as you had enough money, and usually I did. There wasn't anything out of reach. I like that. They don't change their minds and if they break you can always get another just like it. It's simple. And in this I include boys, at least the ones I date, and I use the term "date" loosely. Easy come, easy go. Boys are just another accessory like shoes; they can make or break on outfit. Imagine if you showed up to a party in a hot pink dress while escorting a redhead. It would clash, you see what I mean?

            Okay so maybe a long time ago I lusted after things I couldn't have and so I learned my lesson. There are some things I will never have, my parents' love being one of them. I'm not saying this so you can feel sorry for the 'poor little rich girl', don't, it's just a fact. My parents don't love me. They conceived me because it was what was expected of them, of course I was supposed to be a boy, but that didn't work out obviously. And it was a difficult birth and something went wrong and now my mother can't have any other children. So I'm the heir apparent. Okay scratch that, I'm the heiress waiting until they pick a suitable husband to inherit the company. I wasn't the child they wanted and they sure as hell aren't the parents I wanted.

            But when I was younger I didn't know that. I just wanted their affection, god I just wanted their attention, and ultimately their love. I was too young to realize they didn't have any to give. And I tried to be the best little girl in the world. I thought that if I behaved well and did everything they asked they would love me. Nope, didn't happen. I wasted many frilly pink dresses and white gloves trying to gain their love. And as I got older I drifted away from it. I thought about doing the petty rebellion stint to get their attention. Negative reinforcement and all that shrink talk, but it was just too cliché, and I strive not to be cliché. So I grew as disinterested in them as they were in me.

            So I settle for what I get in that arena. Scraps of approval on grades and gaining the proper connections for the future, little careless words they fling around to appease me, and I smile and thank them as if I even give a damn anymore. And then I ask for the credit card and all is well. And that's what it all comes down to.

            I lust only after the things I can have, the sublimely material possessions, not the wish-washy emotions of others. Do I want someone to love me? Yes, I do. Do I lust after it? No, not anymore, I learned that lesson. I'm over it. I'm sure some psychoanalyst would love to make a study of me and say how unhealthy it is to choose material possessions over human emotions. So what? I chose it and in a way this life chose me. Lust is simply a craving I fill by using my Visa. If that's unhealthy, then fine I'm unhealthy. And maybe I'm not the textbook definition of happy but I do have a fabulous Dolce & Gabbana dress, cute Manolo Blahnik shoes, a Kate Spade handbag and a gorgeous blonde for the next party. And that suits me just fine.