Chapter Eleven
The Pier
Angel sat on one of the benches that lined the end of the pier, staring out to sea. He held the letter from Cordelia and the vision notes in his hand not looking at them, he couldn't bring himself to do it, what if the letter told him everything he didn't want to hear. The visions were of no consequence really he knew they would depict a big bad that they would go and destroy with varying amounts of hassle and injury, but with no Cordelia to tend to his wounds in her special way which was no different to any other apart from the fact that she was there with her smile to wash away the pain. Even her jibes about him being a baby didn't matter as long as she was there, caring for him, it was the closest he got to her seeing as their training had stopped when Groo had arrived.
He smiled as her relived the hug she had given him when she had thought he was more dead than usual. But then he remembered she had left, she'd run away from him.or maybe that was just his view on it, a biased view. maybe she did love Groo.No.he bowed his head, in his mind he'd almost let Lorne and Fred be right about it, he knew he loved her, more than he had ever loved anyone, she accepted him for what he was a demon, with no qualms she accepted him. Buffy had never done that he thought; he could always tell when she was thinking about it when they were together her body reacted differently when he had touched her in the smallest ways, it was her subconscious raising to the surface. Angelus had always stood between them even before he had arisen again. The terrible things he had done as Angelus repelling her slayer side. Cordelia had seen Angelus more than once and every time she had accepted him back into her life no questions asked, she never flinched away when he touched her, she knew that he was both Angel and Angelus everyday and yet she accepted him into her heart and loved all of him. as a friend.as family. his heart sank as he thought this, he smirked at the irony of it all, here he was in full on brood mode as she called it and she wasn't there to jibe him out of it, to make him smile it almost didn't seem worth it.
He sighed looking at the letters, he reached for one containing the visions, 'What a big baby!' he could almost hear her shouting at him as he took the easy option, he shrugged and opened it. Inside were sheets of paper ripped from a notepad on them in her scrawled hand writing were various descriptions of victims, big bads, locations and time scales, with sketches of the demons varying in vagueness. As Angel read them he noticed some of the personal touches that made them Cordelia her colloquialisms dotted around the bare facts, a few seemed distant to him the facts written neatly on the page with no comment from her on feelings she had gotten from the vision they could have been written by anybody where others where filled with her he read these ones over and over putting off reading the letter. He smelt the paper smiling a little, to an ordinary person the notepaper wouldn't smell of anything but that, but his vampire sense of smell could smell her on the paper along with Groo, he growled at the thought of Groo being with her and tucked the papers back into the envelope he would sort the visions out as and when the time arose. He looked at the sealed letter one last time and with a sigh opened it. He unfolded the sheets of paper carefully and caught the small piece which floated out from between them saving it from ending up in the ocean, on the back of the paper was one word 'family' he turned the paper over and smiled as he saw the image on the other side it was a picture of him Cordelia and Wesley smiling (think Over the Rainbow, in Wesley's wallet) he frowned as he looked at the picture of Wesley, he had betrayed him taken his son away. He put the photo into his jacket pocket and turned his attention to the letter, her perfume lingered on the paper he brought it to his nose inhaling the scent her face flashed before his eyes smiling her 100 watt smile that lit up her whole face. He looked at the letter and read.
Cordelia's Apartment: The day she left
The curtains were drawn shut, tight, a habit for the days Angel came by and they needed the whole apartment, old habits died hard. The familiar darkness was a small comfort but small comforts never went far. She cradled a steaming cup of coffee in her hands a finished letter sat on the table to her right, she sighed the easy one was done, nothing to in depth but enough so that they would understand her reasons... her fake reasons ones that she hoped would cover the real ones, she hoped Fred would understand, Gunn was strong, tough he would understand he knew you have to do what you have to do, but Fred was different she wasn't weak but five years away from it all changed a person inside. She wondered whether it would do that to her, going to Pylea away from the life she knew the lifestyle she knew and loved, leaving her dream hopeless as it was. But it was worth it she had to hide her feelings for Angel by any means necessary, their friendship; if she couldn't have his love and seeing as Buffy was the love of his un-life that was the case, was so precious she could never risk it not after all they had been through. They had both worked hard in those times when their friendship was on the rocks. When he had gone through his rough patches his obsession with Darla he'd hurt her so much more than she could ever have said, but when he'd had his epiphany and come back to them he worked so hard to get her back and she had missed him so much she had been on the verge of making peace totally when he bought her all the clothes it had been a plus.
She looked at the paper in front of her two difficult letters to write, Wesley's difficult for so many different reasons she hadn't been there when he had taken Connor from Angel she hadn't been there when he found the fake prophecy 'The Father will kill The Son' and she couldn't blame him for translating the prophecy and the apparent signs before it. Wolfram and Hart had tainted Angel's drinking supply with Connors blood so Angel was even more tetchy than usual. What Cordelia did blame him for was not coming to them, not necessarily going to Angel but Gunn and Fred were there instead he had gone to Holtz, an enemy.
She sighed and put pen to paper letting all the emotions run out onto the page, before she knew it she had finished, if only Angels was that easy to write. She got the next book of paper in front of her and put the pen to it, she was stuck already she didn't know how to start "Dear Angel" she cocked her head to one side it sounded wrong some how "Angel" she wrote it on the paper then stopped she had no idea what to write, some how lying to Angel even on paper, about this wasn't as easy as it seemed. Maybe if she wrote what she really felt first it would be easier of course she'd have to make sure no one ever found the first letter. So she wrote:
Angel,
I love you.
I wish I could stay but these feelings I have, for you. They're impossible I know that but we have grown, you said that on the night of the ballet, when we got back you were trying to put everything back in place to forget what we did when we were possessed. The truth is Angel I didn't want to forget it being with you it felt so right and yet wrong; you're in love with Buffy. So when I saw Groo there with Lorne it was the perfect escape but it wasn't far enough away.
I hate that I wasn't there when Connor was taken; I went when you gave us the money because I thought you wanted us to leave so you could tell Buffy. Seeing as Buffy and I only on rare occasions see eye to eye on anything it had to be better if I wasn't there.
The letter trailed off she put her pen down; Cordy wasn't going to be able to write this letter Queen C was going to have to do it for her. Cordy looked at the new sheet of paper on the notepad 'Queen C' she thought, 'bit like Angelus really' she frowned 'not in the lets go kill people for fun way of course, but still' she realised she was talking aloud, shook her head and began to write, it was so much easier when there are other people around talking the talking being easier than writing the talk.
Angel,
Sorry couldn't say goodbye had to go to Pylea with Groo apparently he has this huge castle still, and he really doesn't fit in here at all, and you know castle!
Cordy paused; no mention of Connor no mention of anything important would be best she didn't want to cry all over the note.
I really care for Groo. It's gonna be great! Like a holiday only longer.
There it was going to have to do, she couldn't muster anymore Queen C onto the page. She signed the bottom with a messy flourish and ripped the sheet off the pad and slipped it into an envelope scrawled Angel on the front and then went to dispose of the first letter in a Dennis proof way.
The Pier Angel stared at the page, that's it he re-read the short passage disbelief then mild anger flickered across his face, he got up note in hand and just started walking off the pier and onto the beach. How could it be that she didn't love him? He thought she did, Fred and Lorne thought she did. He glanced at the note, It's a lie his heart knew it. it had to be. But Cordy wouldn't lie to him he looked out to sea as if the sea would somehow give him the answer a lone gust of wind blew knocking the papers of Cordy's note from his hand he turned seeing them embedded in the soft sand by the boardwalk he bent and picked up the pages, folded them and put them in his pocket. A resolve set over his face his features hardened slightly as he headed towards his car.
The Pier
Angel sat on one of the benches that lined the end of the pier, staring out to sea. He held the letter from Cordelia and the vision notes in his hand not looking at them, he couldn't bring himself to do it, what if the letter told him everything he didn't want to hear. The visions were of no consequence really he knew they would depict a big bad that they would go and destroy with varying amounts of hassle and injury, but with no Cordelia to tend to his wounds in her special way which was no different to any other apart from the fact that she was there with her smile to wash away the pain. Even her jibes about him being a baby didn't matter as long as she was there, caring for him, it was the closest he got to her seeing as their training had stopped when Groo had arrived.
He smiled as her relived the hug she had given him when she had thought he was more dead than usual. But then he remembered she had left, she'd run away from him.or maybe that was just his view on it, a biased view. maybe she did love Groo.No.he bowed his head, in his mind he'd almost let Lorne and Fred be right about it, he knew he loved her, more than he had ever loved anyone, she accepted him for what he was a demon, with no qualms she accepted him. Buffy had never done that he thought; he could always tell when she was thinking about it when they were together her body reacted differently when he had touched her in the smallest ways, it was her subconscious raising to the surface. Angelus had always stood between them even before he had arisen again. The terrible things he had done as Angelus repelling her slayer side. Cordelia had seen Angelus more than once and every time she had accepted him back into her life no questions asked, she never flinched away when he touched her, she knew that he was both Angel and Angelus everyday and yet she accepted him into her heart and loved all of him. as a friend.as family. his heart sank as he thought this, he smirked at the irony of it all, here he was in full on brood mode as she called it and she wasn't there to jibe him out of it, to make him smile it almost didn't seem worth it.
He sighed looking at the letters, he reached for one containing the visions, 'What a big baby!' he could almost hear her shouting at him as he took the easy option, he shrugged and opened it. Inside were sheets of paper ripped from a notepad on them in her scrawled hand writing were various descriptions of victims, big bads, locations and time scales, with sketches of the demons varying in vagueness. As Angel read them he noticed some of the personal touches that made them Cordelia her colloquialisms dotted around the bare facts, a few seemed distant to him the facts written neatly on the page with no comment from her on feelings she had gotten from the vision they could have been written by anybody where others where filled with her he read these ones over and over putting off reading the letter. He smelt the paper smiling a little, to an ordinary person the notepaper wouldn't smell of anything but that, but his vampire sense of smell could smell her on the paper along with Groo, he growled at the thought of Groo being with her and tucked the papers back into the envelope he would sort the visions out as and when the time arose. He looked at the sealed letter one last time and with a sigh opened it. He unfolded the sheets of paper carefully and caught the small piece which floated out from between them saving it from ending up in the ocean, on the back of the paper was one word 'family' he turned the paper over and smiled as he saw the image on the other side it was a picture of him Cordelia and Wesley smiling (think Over the Rainbow, in Wesley's wallet) he frowned as he looked at the picture of Wesley, he had betrayed him taken his son away. He put the photo into his jacket pocket and turned his attention to the letter, her perfume lingered on the paper he brought it to his nose inhaling the scent her face flashed before his eyes smiling her 100 watt smile that lit up her whole face. He looked at the letter and read.
Cordelia's Apartment: The day she left
The curtains were drawn shut, tight, a habit for the days Angel came by and they needed the whole apartment, old habits died hard. The familiar darkness was a small comfort but small comforts never went far. She cradled a steaming cup of coffee in her hands a finished letter sat on the table to her right, she sighed the easy one was done, nothing to in depth but enough so that they would understand her reasons... her fake reasons ones that she hoped would cover the real ones, she hoped Fred would understand, Gunn was strong, tough he would understand he knew you have to do what you have to do, but Fred was different she wasn't weak but five years away from it all changed a person inside. She wondered whether it would do that to her, going to Pylea away from the life she knew the lifestyle she knew and loved, leaving her dream hopeless as it was. But it was worth it she had to hide her feelings for Angel by any means necessary, their friendship; if she couldn't have his love and seeing as Buffy was the love of his un-life that was the case, was so precious she could never risk it not after all they had been through. They had both worked hard in those times when their friendship was on the rocks. When he had gone through his rough patches his obsession with Darla he'd hurt her so much more than she could ever have said, but when he'd had his epiphany and come back to them he worked so hard to get her back and she had missed him so much she had been on the verge of making peace totally when he bought her all the clothes it had been a plus.
She looked at the paper in front of her two difficult letters to write, Wesley's difficult for so many different reasons she hadn't been there when he had taken Connor from Angel she hadn't been there when he found the fake prophecy 'The Father will kill The Son' and she couldn't blame him for translating the prophecy and the apparent signs before it. Wolfram and Hart had tainted Angel's drinking supply with Connors blood so Angel was even more tetchy than usual. What Cordelia did blame him for was not coming to them, not necessarily going to Angel but Gunn and Fred were there instead he had gone to Holtz, an enemy.
She sighed and put pen to paper letting all the emotions run out onto the page, before she knew it she had finished, if only Angels was that easy to write. She got the next book of paper in front of her and put the pen to it, she was stuck already she didn't know how to start "Dear Angel" she cocked her head to one side it sounded wrong some how "Angel" she wrote it on the paper then stopped she had no idea what to write, some how lying to Angel even on paper, about this wasn't as easy as it seemed. Maybe if she wrote what she really felt first it would be easier of course she'd have to make sure no one ever found the first letter. So she wrote:
Angel,
I love you.
I wish I could stay but these feelings I have, for you. They're impossible I know that but we have grown, you said that on the night of the ballet, when we got back you were trying to put everything back in place to forget what we did when we were possessed. The truth is Angel I didn't want to forget it being with you it felt so right and yet wrong; you're in love with Buffy. So when I saw Groo there with Lorne it was the perfect escape but it wasn't far enough away.
I hate that I wasn't there when Connor was taken; I went when you gave us the money because I thought you wanted us to leave so you could tell Buffy. Seeing as Buffy and I only on rare occasions see eye to eye on anything it had to be better if I wasn't there.
The letter trailed off she put her pen down; Cordy wasn't going to be able to write this letter Queen C was going to have to do it for her. Cordy looked at the new sheet of paper on the notepad 'Queen C' she thought, 'bit like Angelus really' she frowned 'not in the lets go kill people for fun way of course, but still' she realised she was talking aloud, shook her head and began to write, it was so much easier when there are other people around talking the talking being easier than writing the talk.
Angel,
Sorry couldn't say goodbye had to go to Pylea with Groo apparently he has this huge castle still, and he really doesn't fit in here at all, and you know castle!
Cordy paused; no mention of Connor no mention of anything important would be best she didn't want to cry all over the note.
I really care for Groo. It's gonna be great! Like a holiday only longer.
There it was going to have to do, she couldn't muster anymore Queen C onto the page. She signed the bottom with a messy flourish and ripped the sheet off the pad and slipped it into an envelope scrawled Angel on the front and then went to dispose of the first letter in a Dennis proof way.
The Pier Angel stared at the page, that's it he re-read the short passage disbelief then mild anger flickered across his face, he got up note in hand and just started walking off the pier and onto the beach. How could it be that she didn't love him? He thought she did, Fred and Lorne thought she did. He glanced at the note, It's a lie his heart knew it. it had to be. But Cordy wouldn't lie to him he looked out to sea as if the sea would somehow give him the answer a lone gust of wind blew knocking the papers of Cordy's note from his hand he turned seeing them embedded in the soft sand by the boardwalk he bent and picked up the pages, folded them and put them in his pocket. A resolve set over his face his features hardened slightly as he headed towards his car.
