All For Love
Disclaimers apply. No offence is meant to anyone! I've tried my best to ensure that all historical information is accurate. Readers are free to correct historical mistakes.
Names and their Chinese equivalent:
Misao: Cao, or Xiao Cao
Omasu: Zeng/Ah Zeng
Okon: Jin/Ah Jin
Okina: Lao Die (Old Father)
Shiro: Ah Bai
Kuro: Ah Hei
Megumi: Hui/ Xiao Hui
Kaoru: Xiao Xun/ Xun
Kenshin: Jian Xin
Tsubame: Yan-er (I know that in the Chinese version of the manga, it's Xiao Yan
but this is just something a little different.)
Kanryuu: Guan Liu
Yu Ting Ban Zong: Oniwabanshuu(!)
Chapter 4:How Do You Love Someone You Hardly Know?
"I'm getting married," Cao's friend Xiao Xun told her matter-of-factly as they helped Doctor Hui bandage up a man who had been tortured badly by the Kempeitai.
Cao's hands froze. "What? To whom?"
"I don't know. All I know is that his name is Jian Xin and that he's 28 this year. It's an arranged marriage." Xiao Xun didn't dare to meet her eyes. "The wedding's next week."
"That's rather soon isn't it?" Cao wondered out loud. Xiao Xun nodded. "No choice, my parents feel that the sooner I'm married, the better. The nearest auspicious day in the almanac was next week. They'd marry me off today if they could!"
"You've got it lucky, 28 isn't that old. Lao Die wanted to marry me off to someone who was practically as old as him!" Cao rubbed antiseptic onto a gaping wound in the man's back.
"What did they do to you?" she asked the man in Hokkien, which she had picked up from some friends. His injuries were horrendous, with bleeding gashes which appeared to be caused by a whip, and burn marks all over. She still couldn't believe that a person could actually do this to a human being, or even that the one who did this was one of Aoshi's subordinates.
"They...they thought I was working for the resistance forces...they arrested me and tried to force me to confess...I told them they didn't know anything but they insisted...pumped me full of water until my lungs nearly burst...tried to electrocute me...whipped me everyday...I thought I was going to die but they suddenly let me go..." the man rasped. "Those Nippon devils...they're not human..."
Suddenly, the door flew open and a man dragged in a girl, who couldn't be much older than Cao. The girl's clothes were torn, there were scratches all over her and her hair was in a mess. Semi-conscious, she was crying weakly, "No, no, don't do this to me! Let go! Let me go!"
"I found her on the street," the man told Dr Hui. "I think she's been raped."
Cao turned away. The girl reminded her of her own ordeal. She herself had been lucky to be saved from a similar fate by Aoshi--not once, but twice. It was sobering to know that others might not be as lucky, and her heart ached for the girl. If only every girl had someone like Aoshi...to protect them...She had an urge to go up to the girl, to comfort her. And a voice in her head told her that she should.
"Cao, is there something wrong?" Xiao Xun asked her. "You seem to be in a daze." She looked rather worried. "If there's anything you can just tell me okay?"
Cao shook her head. Xiao Xun had been a good friend and confidante ever since they were little, and was like another older sister to her, but she just did not want to tell anyone about what had nearly happened to her, not at that moment.
"I think that girl needs a little consoling," she told her instead.
"Go ahead, I can cope with him by myself. There's not much left to bandage anyway," Xiao Xun offered.
"Thanks!" Cao secured one last bandage and went off to the bed where the girl lay, tears running down her face.
"Is she okay?" she asked Dr. Hui.
"Physically, yes, but I think the trauma's going to last for a long time." Hui shook her head. "Poor thing...those soldiers are really inhuman," she whispered. "I thought they had comfort houses but apparently those are not enough."
"Comfort houses?"
"You know, where they have some women who provide that kind of services..." Hui explained. The man who had brought the girl in, overhearing what she said, shook his head.
"The women in those houses mostly aren't willing either. I heard that they were kidnapped from other invaded countries and forced to serve the soldiers."
Hui's face turned grim. "Then it means that those soldiers are total barbarians."
"Don't let anyone else hear you. The Japs have spies everywhere." As Hui and the man discussed the atrocities in hushed voices, Cao made her way to the bed.
"Why don't you just let me die?" the girl sobbed. "I don't want to live anymore...not after..." she broke down into tears again. "Nobody will want me now! Why don't you leave me alone and let me just die? they took me by force! They made me...made me do things even a whore will feel shameless doing...they made me serve the soldiers! Whenever I tried to retaliate, she...the owner of the house...would beat me senseless...I tried to run away but they always caught me and brought me back...I tried to kill myself. Why did he have to find me? Why can't you all just let me end this miserable life?"
So it just wasn't once, Cao thought to herself, heart filling with more pity than before. There may be nice soldiers like Aoshi, but I have to face it--the majority of them are pigs--no, worse than that, they're not even animals. She took the girl's hand, eyes burning with fire.
"What they want is to see us destroy ourselves. They want to get rid of us. By dying, you're only giving them what they want. Don't give it to them! You must not let them win! You must live on! Show them they can't break our spirit, no matter what they do! Remember, don't let them win! You must be strong!"
"I mustn't let them win," the girl repeated, her eyes taking a determined glare. "You're right, they just want to destroy us...I can't let them win!"
"That's right! We can't let them win!" Cao thought of her brothers who were still missing and presumably dead, of the soldiers who had tried to take advantage of her, of the man who had been tortured so brutally by the Kempeitai, of the innocent victims of Bukit Timah, of the thousands of lost lives. How many of them had been innocent? How many had died in vain? How many had lost loved ones? How many had to live in a fate worse than death? Fury cursed through her. What did you do to my home? My family? My life? Give the peace back to us! And amid all that, a face appeared in her mind.
Aoshi...could he have had a hand in all that? He was an officer after all--highly ranked at that. But he had been so kind to her, he had been her savior, twice over. As much as she hated the conquerors of her homeland, she could not bear to be angry at him, even if she wanted to. It wasn't him who killed my brothers...it wasn't him who nearly raped me...she was so confused, torn between what she felt and what she should be feeling. He was of a race which had thrown her home into chaos, which had done things worse than what any human would do, which had the blood of countless all over their hands...but yet, he was her savior, who had protected her and seemed so good.
"Excuse me?" the girl asked. Cao snapped back into attention. "Yes?"
"Thanks for bringing me to my senses again." This time, the girl smiled. "My name's Yan-er. What's yours?"
"Cao." Cao smiled. "Nice to meet you."
* * *
The rain beat down onto the flimsy roof of the barracks. Aoshi sat on his bed, polishing his katana, a sign of rank among soldiers. He looked at the uniform jacket that hung nearby, at the badges that decorated it, screaming his rank out to everyone--a major. What did it mean to be that anymore? He had seen so many officers abusing their authority, and was sick of it. What had happened to their sense of honor? Somehow, he didn't know his purpose in life anymore. Like others, he had been victorious when the British had surrendered Singapore--no, Syonan--to them. But looking at what his subordinates had been doing to the local people, he was less than proud. They treated the locals as less than animals, forgetting their values and the code of honour. Maybe I shouldn't have taken up that offer after all. Why on earth had he accepted when a reputable general offered him the position of a major if he enlisted in the army?
Back in Japan, he had been the Okashira [head] of a group of ninja. As the number of members dwindled, he had no other choice but to accept the post, bringing along the four most loyal of his followers--Hannya, Shikijou, Beshimi, Hyottoko. The five of them had sworn to always abide by the code of honor, to never bring shame upon the country or to the emperor They hadn't counted on how hard it was to keep that promise.
Nobody else would ever understand the guilt Aoshi felt, the nightmares that rocked his sleep every night ever since they had conquered Syonan. His conscience still rocked him--giving the command for the soldiers under him to shoot those who had been rounded up during Sook Ching into the sea, the many times he had beheaded offenders of the law, with his very own hands and the very sword he was polishing. When he closed his eyes, all he saw was blood--blood and corpses. In his nightmares, his hands, his sword...everything was stained with blood. And so often, he had felt so ashamed touching Cao, for fear of dirtying her with the blood that would remain on his hands forever.
"Because you're a good man..." he repeated those words to himself. Maybe to her, he was. Perhaps he had saved her to atone for the evil he had done...to rid him of his conscience.
What does she mean to you? the question unexpectedly popped into his head. Just a convenient aid to help you atone for your crimes? Or did she mean something more? He remembered how it seemed as if all his burdens disappeared with her around. Only when he was with her did he feel that he could be himself, without all the formalities and aloofness.
What does she mean to me? Telling Yamada that she was his woman seemed to come so naturally, although she was not and would probably never be. Yet, did he unconsciously want it to be true? He had yet to sort out his thoughts. For the first time in his life, he felt so confused about his feelings. If the girl did not mean anything to him, why had he saved her, time and again, when he could have just left her and let his subordinates do what they wanted to her? Why had he told Yamada she was his woman, when he could have said something else to save her?
I just don't want to do any wrong again...but why her? Why not some other? If he wanted to right a wrong, he could just go to the prison and free every single person there, or gone to the comfort house and demanded that all the women be freed, even though it would mean a long lecture or even punishment from his superiors. Destiny was just too complicated for him to understand. But there was one thing he knew--he did not deserve her.
He would make sure that she wouldn't get too close to him, that their friendship did not grow into anything more, for it would hurt her if it did.
And he was sure he would not be doing any wrong this time.
* * *
Staring at the rain outside, Cao could not help but sigh. The rain always brought back all her memories, both happy and sad.
In a corner, Dr. Hui was chatting with the man who had brought Yan-er in. From what he told them, his name was Guan Liu and he had provided arms and weapons for the British military in Singapore before the war. Now that the Japanese had taken over, he had not been allowed to continue his business due to Japanese fears that he would provide weapons to the anti-Japanese resistance. The only other job he could find was in a factory.
The rain was getting heavier--she wouldn't be able to make it home now, even if she had an umbrella, which she did not. During a storm like this, the streets flooded quickly. She could only stay in the clinic and wait.
Closing an open window in the clinic, she walked back into the waiting room. Xiao Xun was sitting on a chair, staring at a photograph. Curious, Cao looked over shoulder, attempting to catch a glimpse of whatever had caused her friend to go into such a daze.
"Who's she?" she asked. The black-and-white photograph showed a long-haired person with a scar on his left cheek, smiling at the camera.
"Huh? Oh, *he's* my fiance," Xiao Xun blushed. "I know he looks kind of feminine..."
"Wrong, he looks very feminine." Cao winced. "You don't see men with long hair very often nowadays." Looking up at Xiao Xun's murderous look, she quickly added, "But he's quite good looking. Is he mixed blood or something? His hair isn't black."
"I don't know. I saw him in person only yesterday, when he came over to my place for dinner. He actually offered to wash the dishes for us, believe it or not!"
"Serious?" Cao nearly choked.
"Yeah."
"What about that scar?" Cao was extremely curious about it.
Xiao Xun shook her head again. "I didn't ask, and he didn't tell. I think it must be part of his past that he doesn't want to remember. Everyone has a past they're not willing to talk about, if he doesn't want to, I'm not forcing him."
Her words surprised Cao, firstly because of how mature Xiao Xun sounded, and secondly because it made her think of Aoshi.
Up to now, she was still uncertain about what exactly she felt for him. It was almost like Xiao Xun's arranged marriage--all they both knew were the name, and what the other party looked like, and perhaps some impression of the other party's personality. But apart from that, everything else was unclear. The only difference was that technically, Xiao Xun had the right to know Jian Xin's past, being engaged to him, while this was not so for Cao and Aoshi.
How can you love a person you hardly know? It was a question she didn't have the answer to. She remembered asking Jin once what being in love felt like.
"Well, you're always happy with him and there's a warm feeling in your heart, and you just can't wait to see him again and...a lot more. It's like you've known him for a long time, even if you just met."
"But Jie[elder sister], I don't understand, how can I know someone for a very long time if we just met?" Cao remembered asking with all the wide eyed innocence of an eight year old. Jin had merely smiled and walked away.
"You'll know when your time comes."
Now, she wondered if her time had come, because whenever she saw Aoshi, she felt exactly all that Jin had described.
"But how do you love someone you barely know?" she asked herself out loud, without even knowing it.
"Cao? Are you there?" Xiao Xun's voice snapped her away from her thoughts. "You seem to keep spacing out lately. Is anything wrong or something? You can tell me, you know." She looked extremely worried.
In a split second, Cao made her decision. "I guess I should, but I don't know where to start." She lowered her head. What would Xiao Xun think of a friend who had feelings for a Japanese soldier?
"Why don't you just start from the beginning?" Xiao Xun suggested.
"Okay...but please promise me you won't be disgusted with me." Next to her, Xiao Xun looked at her attentively. Cao took a deep breath.
"On the day the Japanese attacked Bukit Timah, I went off to look for my brothers......"
"And that's all?" Xiao Xun asked when Cao had finished. Cao nodded.
"It's really kind of hard to believe--I mean, with the officer--what's his name again?"
"Aoshi."
"Yeah, with Aoshi always appearing just in time whenever you're in trouble...but since my best friend rarely tells lies, I believe you."
Cao smiled. "Thanks. For a while I almost thought you wouldn't." She covered her face with her hands. "I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I really love him or anything! How do you fall in love with someone you barely know?"
Xiao Xun looked at her seriously. "I don't know how to give advice on this, but as your friend, I can only tell you this" She paused, and Cao looked at her inquisitively.
"I think you should stay away from him, Cao, it's better for you that way. As you said, you don't really know him. For all you know, he could turn out to be just a wolf in sheep's skin. Even if he weren't, what will people think if they saw you with him? They'd think you were an informer or something and if--no, when the Occupation ends, you don't know what they'll do to you. Please stay away from him, Cao! You'll be happier this way. Forget him, and stay away!"
Xiao Xun's eyes were looking at her earnestly, and Cao realised how true her words were. Even though they did not dare voice it out loud for fear that the Kempeitai and spies would overhear, many people despised those whom they presumed were Japanese informers or those who appeared to be sycophants, switching loyalties as and when they thought they would benefit more from the other side.
"Thanks, Xiao Xun, but I don't care, I'm not going to stay away. Forgetting the person one loves--will it make one happy? You don't understand......you won't..." By then, she was on the verge of tears. Before she knew what she was doing, she had run out of the clinic into the heavy rain, sobbing uncontrollably.
And then she ran, oblivious to the fact that the water on the streets was fast rising up to her knees. She just waded through the water, running when she could, to where, she didn't know or care.
At last, exhaustion and the cold, rainy weather set in, and she found herself falling...falling... She felt a familiar pair of muscular arms wrap themselves around her.
And then, everything went black.
tbc...
ok, it's rather predictable from here isn't it?
It's gonna get more *interesting* from here....
Fuuko-san, yup, I'm Chinese
Thanks to everyone for their kind comments!:)
*Arigatou Apple-san for reminding me that Kenshin's scar was on his left, not
right cheek. I dunno why but in the picture which I checked to make sure of the
side the scar was on, the scar was on his right cheek. Anyway, that mistake has
been rectified:)
