All For Love

Disclaimers apply. No offence is intended to anyone.

Misao: Cao, or Xiao Cao
Omasu: Zeng/Ah Zeng
Okon: Jin/Ah Jin
Okina: Lao Die (Old Father)
Megumi: Hui/ Xiao Hui
Kaoru: Xiao Xun/ Xun
Kenshin: Jian Xin
Tsubame: Yan-er
Kanryuu: Guan Liu
Sanosuke: Zuo Zhi Zhu/ Xiangle( Xiangle is 'Sagara' while Zuo Zhi Zhu translates to 'Sanosuke')
Soujiro: Zong Cilang
Yu Ting Ban Zong: Oniwabanshuu(!)

Chapter 8: Burning Hearts

Cao stopped apprehensively outside Dr. Hui's clinic.

The clinic was open, and the lights inside were on. She hesitated for a while before pushing the door open and stepping inside.

The male doctor attending to a patient was a far cry from the untidy, rough thug she had met just the day before. Clean-shaven, dressed in a doctor's white coat, hair still spiky but not as messy as before, he looked up and grinned good-naturedly at her.

"Well, if it isn't the Weasel Girl..." he teased.

She stuck her tongue out at him. "Don't call me that, Rooster Head! I wouldn't have thought you were a doctor, the way you acted yesterday."

"Ahh, what else did you expect me to do? You woke me up. Anyone would be irritated." He turned back to his patient. "Nice to see that I have at least one helper."

"Well, I decided to drop over just in case you accidentally killed a patient by mistake."

"Well, thanks for your concern. Help me clean his wound while I get the bandages." Xiang Le handed her a bottle of antiseptic. She took his place in front of the patient.

"What happened?" The middle-aged man she was attending to had scratches on his limbs, a head injury, and a sprained ankle. It didn't look like he had been beaten up though.

"Slipped into a drain at night while trying to beat the curfew." Xiang Le walked back into the room.

"Uncle, you should be more careful at night, even if you're in a hurry," Cao told the man gently. He nodded. "I'll keep your advice in mind, xiao jie."

"Oi, Weasel Girl, when you're done help me get some cold water," Xiang Le instructed roughly. Cao stuck her tongue out at him again.

"I'm your helper, not your slave! *Doctor* Zuo, please get the water yourself."

"Guess who's commanding who?"

For the third time that day, Cao stuck her tongue out at him and went to the back of the clinic, where a pail of water stood.

"You did boil the water didn't you?" she yelled at him. The water supplies had just come back on after being disrupted for some time, but the quality of water was a different story. Cao noted with relief that the water wasn't yellowish and foul-smelling like that that had come out of the taps for the past few days.

*This guy knows what he's doing after all.* She transferred some of the water into a small basin and was just bringing it back into the doctor's office when the clinic doors suddenly slammed open. Curious and also a little fearful of whom it might be, Cao hurriedly put the basin down and ran out into the waiting room.

"Aoshi!" she gasped. He dragged in a soldier, covered with blood and bruises and moaning in pain.

"Found this guy on the streets. Treat him as fast as you can." He looked at her, and their eyes met briefly. In that moment, all her feelings for him returned, and all she wanted to do was run into his arms, and beg him to save her from her impending marriage...to take her away with him. But she restrained herself. Duty had to come first.

"Tend to the one in the room. I'll take care of this." Xiang Le had joined them. His words were firm, but Cao noticed the war his eyes pierced through the two soldiers with revulsion. This hatred disappeared as fast as it appeared, and before she knew it, he was helping Aoshi lift the injured soldier onto a nearby couch.

Noticing that she was still standing there, Xiang Le motioned for her to get into the office where the first patient was waiting. She obliged and walked back into the room, unable to rid herself of the suspicion that there was more to the new doctor than met the eye.

---

Later...

"Aoshi!"

She caught up with him just as he was leaving the clinic. He stopped and turned to her.

"I have to tell you something." Her face was serious. He wondered what the matter was, and gave her an inquiring gaze.

"I'm getting married next Monday." Her voice was emotionless, but her eyes were forlorn, almost pleading.

"Oh." He didn't know what to say, but what did come out of his mouth did not betray the sudden stab that shot through his heart. He had gotten used to hiding his emotions behind an impassive facade, having done so for years. "I wish you all the best, then."

Their eyes locked for a few moments. Her disappointment was evident, and for a while, he thought she was going to cry. But she didn't, and finally composed herself.

"Thank you for your blessing then." There was a note of resignation in her voice, and she turned away, if only to hide the fact that she was blinking back her tears. He wanted to pull her into his arms...to hug her, and tell her that she was his--that he wouldn't let her marry another.

But he didn't.

It would not be appropriate--not for a girl who was engaged to be married in a few days. And certainly not for an officer who could not show any sign of soft heart.

"That's it then. I just wanted you to know." Her voice did not betray any emotion, but inside, her heart felt so empty. Why didn't he stop her? After all that he had done, did he not have any feelings for her after all? She couldn't bear to look at him any more. One look and she would completely lose control of herself. She couldn't do so...not in public, not when she was about to be married.

The pain in their hearts was unbearable, but neither sought to act on it. The uneasiness in the air grew, as they stood there, not looking at each other, neither one saying a word.

Finally, he broke the silence. "If there's nothing else, I'll take my leave."

She nodded.

The agony in his heart intensified as he walked away from her, knowing that it could be the last time he ever saw her again. From the next Monday onwards, she would belong to another, and would be lost to him forever. Nothing could hurt more than the thought of that. He tried to channel his mind to think of other things--the mission against Kanryuu...his duties...love was not supposed to have any part in his life. But somehow, it had sneaked in--undetected, unknowingly. And it now mattered more than almost anything else.

He, of all, should know how dangerous love was when a man had an important duty to perform. He had seen many of his counterparts, sacrificing status, wealth, and sometimes even their lives...all for love. Years ago, he had vowed never to love, and even if he did, he would pay no heed to it. But those were the thoughts of a boy, inexperienced in the ways of the world.

Now that he had felt it for himself, he realised how hard it was to let go of something he held so dear to his heart. Slowly, inadvertently, it had taken over his heart and engulfed him with its warmth, until it became almost like the air he breathed. It was as if he would not be able to survive without it.

And now, he was going to lose it forever.

He wished he had given in to his first instincts and prevented her from becoming another's. If only he had voiced his displeasure at it...if only he had showed his true feelings, perhaps she would have broken off the engagement. The pleading look in her eyes kept flashing back into his mind, refusing to go away. Had she told him because she hoped that he would save her from her upcoming marriage? That he would disallow it? That he would claim her as his before another did? It would explain the disappointment at his reaction, and he knew he had let her down.

But it was too late...or was it?

"Aoshi-sama seems to be in a rather pensive mood today," Hannya observed, his voice breaking into Aoshi's thoughts. "Does it have anything to do with the girl?"

Beshimi shrugged. "I don't know...but they say that when a person loses his appetite and sleep, and is lost in thought most of the time, he is probably thinking of love."

"Women are always trouble," Shikijou observed. "It's a fact we have to live with."

Aoshi knew they were talking as if he was not there in the hope that he would react. But he didn't feel like joining in their banter--not that night. There was too much on his mind.

"I wonder what's wrong..." Hyottoko glanced at him. "It must be pretty serious, otherwise he wouldn't be acting so miserable..."

He couldn't stand it any more. They were his closest friends after all, and hardly kept anything from each other.

"She's getting married this Monday." He didn't elaborate further. There was a pregnant pause, as his four friends looked at each other.

"Aren't you going to stop her, Aoshi-sama?" Hannya asked. Aoshi shook his head.

"Why not? You have the power to do so...besides, if you really loved her..."

"Then I won't hurt her," Aoshi abruptly ended the sentence for him. Another silent pause.

"I wouldn't have guessed...she seemed to like you genuinely. Just by the way she looks at you, it's easy to see how much she loves you," Hyottoko commented. Again, Aoshi didn't reply.

"Aoshi-sama, do think it over. If the two of you really love each other, nothing can come between you. I think you'd better do something before you lose her forever," Hannya advised.

If you really love each other, nothing can come between you. Aoshi pondered over those words even as he returned to his quarters. I wish it was that simple. Much as he wanted to disrupt the engagement and claim Cao as his, conscience reasoned against it. She was a young girl, innocent and carefree, and deserved a better man than him--him with his bloodstained hands and tainted past. There was also the social stigma--could she take the criticism? He didn't want to risk it...and he doubted that her family would approve either.

But the very memory of those pleading eyes caused him to have second thoughts about it.

Are you sure that's what you want, Cao? She wouldn't be happy with him, he just knew it. She needed someone who would love her wholeheartedly, who would lavish attention on her--not someone like him, caught up in his own world and troubles, who could no longer show emotion...He couldn't be selfish. Not with her.

He tossed and turned in restless sleep that night.

----

She was staring out of window listlessly, just as she had been the whole day the day before.

The scene had changed--once crowded and filled with all kinds of sights, smells and sounds, the street was now nearly deserted, save for a few people. There was a sense of resignation in the air that had never been there before as people gradually adjusted to being under Japanese rule. Life was returning to normal, yet still far from normal.

She still remembered the gay dresses of the European women as they went to and from balls and parties, be they at Raffles Hotel, a government building or just a friend's house. These parties were now over, the gaiety gone, the European women either back in their home country or in Changi prison, interned as prisoners of war. Even the dressing of the courtesans and pipa girls at Keong Saik Street had taken a modest turn. Once vibrant and glamorous, those she saw were gaunt and exhausted, their hair no longer shiny and pinned up in elaborate hairstyles, their eyes listless and worn.

It seemed like everything had lost its brightness; everywhere she looked, the bright colours were replaced by dull ones--in the clothes the people wore, in the paint on the walls, in the black, bombed out shells that used to be houses and buildings until a few months ago.

She was tired of it all. What had happened to the life she once knew? What had they done? She turned abruptly away from the window, not wanting to see any more. The bright red silk of the wedding gown on the bed was a disquieting exception, standing out amid the drabness. She looked away--she did not want to be reminded.

It was the most grand and splendid dress in her closet; she had painstakingly embroidered it ever since she was thirteen, under the guidance of her sisters [Note: In those days, it was common practice for young girls to start getting their wedding gowns ready from a young age, embroidering and sewing them so that by the time of their weddings, their masterpieces would be ready.) She had often dreamt of wearing it someday, marrying her true love, the one she wanted to spend her life with. Who would have guessed that this dream would come to nought?

Didn't Aoshi understand the underlying connotations when she told him she was getting married? It wasn't simply for the sake of informing him, she had hoped that if he had feelings for her, he would save her from this marriage...take her away with him, claim her as his. But she had not counted on his thick headedness. Or were his feelings for her just a figment of her imagination?

His eyes had revealed nothing, even in their intensity.

Two days--no, a little less than that, it was already at night on Saturday. Like Xiao Xun's, it would be a simple wedding, one with just family and a few friends.

Family...her thoughts returned to her brothers, missing in action. There had been no funeral; the family was still clinging to the hope that they were still alive and in hiding somewhere and a funeral would not be auspicious. Thus, Cao could still get married as the family was not in mourning. [In Chinese tradition, if there is a death in the family, after a hundred days from the death, nobody in the family is supposed to get married for three years.]

She had not seen Cilang since the day they met, he was probably busy getting ready for the wedding as well. Jin and Zeng had been busy making paper cuts of the symbol for "Double Happiness", while the bride-to-be was ironically less enthusiastic about the wedding than they were.

She sank onto her bed, surprised to feel tears flow down her face. Less than 48 hours, and she would have a new family...a new name...a new life. She was supposed to be happy, it was going to be the biggest day in her life, getting married. But no matter how much she tried to force a smile onto her face, she could not.

Juandian Cao, are you going to resign yourself to your fate just like that?! The sudden surge of determination took her by surprise. What's happened to you? You, of all people, should not be giving up just like this!

"...if we were meant to be together we will be, and nothing's going to stop us!" Her words to Jin slammed back into her head with force.

"But I don't care, as long as Aoshi and I have a chance to be together, I don't care what happens!"

How could she give up now, after all that she had said? The memories flooded back--the times he had rescued her, the care he had shown her that night...the stolen kiss...he must have felt something, or he wouldn't have done all that! His eyes seldom revealed his emotions, but the few times they did, it had been more than plain affection that had flickered in them.

She clenched her fists, and stood up resolutely. She wasn't about to resign herself like that. One last try...one last try...

Before she knew what she was doing, she was rushing down the stairs, with Zeng yelling out after her, horrified. "Xiao Cao! Where are you going! It's already nine o' clock! Don't be silly and come back now!" But Cao didn't care, she just want to get away from them, and to him, as soon as possible.

She found herself on the street. It was pitch dark, save for some dim street lamps and the moonlight. Forcing herself to be brave, she ran-- to where, she didn't know or care. It reminded her of that night she set out to find her brothers, and there was that same feeling of loss in her heart.

A bright light. She blinked, and bumped into someone--or something hard. The light shone in her face. Her heart skipped a beat. What if...

"What are you doing out here so late?" a familiar voice asked. She looked up.

"Aoshi!" she gasped. And a rush of emotions surged through her, from relief to pain to hurt and a lot more she just could not fathom.

His greyish blue eyes burned right through her. "A young girl shouldn't be out here so late, when the streets are deserted. Who knows what might happened to you if I didn't happen to have sentry duty around here?" he asked reproachfully. His tone was cold, but still carried a touch of concern in it. And the relief of hearing a familiar voice unnerved Cao so much that she simply collapsed onto his shoulder, sobbing, not caring about what had happened between them. She didn't care if she was already engaged...she didn't care anymore, she just wanted to be with him, in his arms...

His arms wrapped themselves around her awkwardly, holding her closer to him as he tried to comfort her. She held on tighter to him, as he stroked her back reassuringly. "What's wrong? Cao, what's wrong? Don't worry, I'm here, just tell me..." He felt a little guilty, they weren't supposed to be doing this--he had no right to hold her like this. But he didn't want to let go, ever again, and his arms involuntarily held her closer to him. The flurry of feelings that gushed through him was too much to bear, and he knew he was losing control of himself...and willingly let it be.

Her arms tightened around him, and she sobbed her heart out into his warm, comforting chest. They stood there like that for what seemed like hours, in the middle of a dark, deserted street, tight in embrace, neither willing to let go.

"I want to be with you, don't you understand? It's you I want to be with...you and no one else!" she wept. He held her even tighter, actions betraying unspoken feelings. "Take me with you...I want to be yours...please, Aoshi!"

Her boldness and passion took him by surprise. Looking at the sobbing young woman in his arms, he would never have guessed that under the child-like innocence was a raging fire...a woman ready and willing to fight for what she wanted. His heart burned for her--didn't she know the risks she would be taking? He couldn't hurt her, he could not let himself do so...but still...

Their lips met. Who initiated it, they didn't know--it just happened. To them, it was just something that would follow naturally, the result of an explosion of pent-up feelings and passion.

Everything else on the dim, quiet street that dark, silent night faded away in the instant, and there was nothing else, except for him, her, and the power of their love.

If this is what it's like to love, I'll give up everything willingly for it...Aoshi thought contently, intoxicated in the moment. But then his sense of judgment returned, and he suddenly pushed her away roughly.

"I'm sorry, Cao, I can't."

She shrank back, still reeling from the shock. Her eyes were filled with tears. "Why not?"

He felt so guilty...once again, she was crying. And once again, he was the cause of her tears. However, he reasoned that to have her cry just once was better than to have her weeping because of him, day after day. Your face was meant for smiles--I don't want to take that away.

"Just because. There are many men out there who are better than me. Go back to your fiance. You'll be happier if you forget about me" His heart wrenched when he said that, but it was the truth. Watching her eyes burn with such pain as tears that should never have been there ran down her cheeks, he almost wished he could take those words back. The more she cried, the more his heart twisted and wrung. But he stood firm, and turned his back on her, unwilling to look at her any more.

"Good bye."

"Aoshi! Wait!" she called up, half hoping that he would change his mind and come back, and half knowing he wouldn't. She started to run after him, but he didn't even give her a glance, striding on. Vision blurred by tears, she stumbled, and fell to her knees.

"Aoshi..." she wept. Summoning her courage and what was left of her energy, she shouted after him.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I WANT TO BE WITH AND THAT'S THAT! THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU'LL BE WALKING AWAY FROM ME, SHINOMORI AOSHI, AND I'LL MAKE SURE OF THAT!" Having run out of breath, she collapsed into tears, each heart wrenching sob gripping his heart and twisting it. But he forced himself to ignore it, to harden his heart and continue, even though the pain was getting unbearable.

She could only gaze helplessly at his retreating back, even as the rain began to fall.

He stepped momentarily out of his hiding place behind a pillar, heart aching yet moved by the love the young couple had for each other. He had guessed and accepted long ago that she had someone in her heart, and that someone was not, and would never be him.

As a friend of Cao's, he had hoped to take care of her after their marriage, it was the least he could do as a husband. But now, having witnessed the strength of her love for the other man--no, their love for each other--with his very own eyes, he realised that it wasn't the best thing to do.

He knew what else he could do to help her though, and this time, just as a friend. With resolution in his eyes, Zong Cilang made his way toward the torn, sobbing young woman on the streets.

He would do what he had to do the next day. For now, his priority was to help her up and bring her home--as a friend, and no more.

Tbc...

Happy Lunar New Year, everyone! Gong Xi Fa Cai/ Kung Hei Fatt Choy/ Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu!

It's pretty obvious this fic has reached its climax here, and will continue to stay at the climax for the next chapter...

I have to admit, I was intending to kill off the four comrades, but since you all here aren't so keen to see that...just stay tuned for the next chapter!

I know I promised to try to update my chapters weekly, but I've realised that this isn't so possible as things are rather busy this year. Fortnightly instead? :) Sorry to all my disappointed readers!