Weird Things in the Tekken Universe
By BahamutZERO
Chapter 4
At the big warehouse.
Jin was quivering on a box. His mother and father were giving him. the talk. "Now, listen, Jin," Kazuya said. "There are several ways to prevent pregnancy. One way is abstinence. And of all the methods, abstinence is 100% effective. Other ways would be the use of condoms or birth control pills." Jin put his hand up. "Why are you telling me this? It's not like you two practice these habits." Jun put an arm around Jin. "Honey, we know that you're going out with Ling, and we want you to be safe. Now, another way to prevent pregnancy that is not effective at all is "withdrawal." That's when you pull your. uh, your." Kazuya finished. "That's when the guy pulls his penis out before he blows his load." "That's right, Jin. You know, Kazuya tried it with me and that's how we got you. Do you remember that, pumpkin?" "Yeah. It was just two hours and 37 minutes after we got married." Ganryu was chasing Michelle again. Michelle climbed atop several boxes. "Get away from me, you pudgy piece of lard!" she screamed. King came out and said," He's here! Everyone get into position!!" Everyone snapped away and hid himself or herself. Paul walked in and looked around, searching for this so-called interesting thing. "Alright, what's going on here?" "SURPRISE!!!!" Paul screamed and ran for the door. "Wait, Paul!" Nina said. "We just want to give you a present!" Paul came back opened a huge box. Inside. was a brand new Harley Davidson. "Oh, come on you guys. You didn't have to do this," Paul said, almost on the edge of tears. "Yes, we did. You've been such a good friend," Kazuya heartily chuckled. Nina added," Don't you have some incentive to not treat us like shit?" Paul though for a second and said," No." Paul jumped on and drove off. "Thanks, guys!" he yelled back. Yoshi sighed and said," Good thing I rigged it." He produced a small remote control and hit the button. K.BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!! (very loud explosion). King looked around and said," PARTY AT MY HOUSE!!!!" "HELL YEAH!!!"
(Complete change of scenery)
Once upon a time. no wait. that's too corny. Okay, how about. Once, there was an old temple which housed a very nasty being called Ogre. Known as the GOD OF FIGHTING, it was a fearsome beast that stole the souls of all who succumbed to its wrath. However, thanks to the efforts of Jin Kazama, Ogre met its untimely demise right back in the Aztec temple it had awakened in. A recent study of the area revealed that there were unusual amounts of psychometric interference was emanating from the temple. The experts of the study believed that something was definitely happening in the temple. They decided to call upon Jin to investigate.
At a small mountain cabin.
"Oh, yeah! Who's your daddy?" Jun and Kazuya were. were. watching a promotional tape on how to have better sex. Jin and Ling were sitting in his room. "Jin, you know that we've been going steady for about 3 months now." "Yeah." "So, if you want to. you know." Ring-ring. Jin answered the phone. "Hello?" "Jin Mishima?" "Uh, no that's-" "You and your father Kazuya Kazama need to come at once to that old Aztec temple where Ogre is. Please?" "Okay." Jin addressed Ling. "Sorry, but I have to go." "Well, that's all right. I'll see you later, stud." She squeezed his ass and left.
At a really big city.
New York. Here in the city where dreams come true and desires rule all, something is being bought, sold, and thrown away, even as we speak. But behind the scenes from business as usual, the nefarious J. E. (Junker Expensive) Corporation has been selling the consumers products of no positive value. As J. E. swindles yet another customer into purchasing high- priced junk, the FBI mobilizes a special task force to put a stop to the menace. Now, the world's best-kept spy is out there, ready to protect the public from the twisted desires of J. E.- just call him 2.5 (Two-point- five). "This is gonna be an awesome game!" Paul yelled as he examined the back of the computer game. "Sure sounds like it," Forrest said, as he pulled his credit card from his wallet. Suddenly, several men wearing bulletproof vests entered and proceeded to drag Paul out of the store. "HEY!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU FUCKING CRACKHEADS!!!"
At a restaurant.
Yoshi was walking around in the kitchen, ordering the other chefs around. "You! Get back to work! A pinch of salt, I said! Use a wooden spoon, you idiot. Hey! Stop standing around scratching your balls! Go help that guy!" Suddenly, several men wearing bulletproof vests came in and proceeded to drag Yoshi out of the restaurant. "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU FUCKING CRACKHEADS!!"
At a wrestling ring.
King was facing his opponent. He quickly picked him up by his legs and threw him into the crowd. King raised his arms in triumph. Suddenly, several men wearing bulletproof vests entered and proceeded to drag King away from the ring. "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU FUCKING CRACKHEADS!!"
At a whore house.
Bryan was busy whacking off with a bunch of other whores. Requiring a Kleenex, Bryan jumped off the table and crossed to the other side of the room. Suddenly, Blah blah blah. "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE BLAH BLAH BLAH, CRACKHEADS!!"
At an old Aztec temple.
Yoshi, Kazuya, Jin, Paul, Bryan, and King were standing in front of the central door. Paul lost his patience. "What the fuck are we doing here?" Jin raised a hand to calm the seething soul. "Listen. Ogre is a nasty being from outer space. Some researchers think he's back." "That's right," Kazuya said. "I was going to send some pictures back to my wife, but I forgot the stupid camera." The hours dragged on. Yoshi and Paul were playing poker. Paul and Yoshi were arranging their cards. Paul: I can't lose with this! Two aces beat everything! Yoshi: I can't lose with this! A royal flush of spades beats everything! Paul said," I'll bet you. fifty cents." "I'll see you and raise you 97 dollars." King was sleeping. He rolled over and his tight shorts fell down, exposing his. you know. "DAMMIT!! WHY DO I KEEP LOSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!" Yoshi simply took out a pad of paper and wrote something down. "So far, you owe me $2500," he said. Suddenly, a ninja in a blue costume leaped down. Everyone snapped to attention (King quickly pulled his pants up). The ninja said," I am Sub- Zero." "It's not that cold," Bryan said. "No, my name is Sub-Zero." Kazuya fiddled around in his bag. "There's the camera. SHIT!!" He flashed it in Bryan's face, who went haywire and started beating off for no reason. Suddenly, more ninjas jumped down, each wearing a different color. King was shocked. "Who the fuck are these guys?" Sub-Zero stepped up and raised a hand. " I am Sub-Zero." "You already told us that, you crackhead," Paul said, as he kinked his neck. The other ninjas told their names. "I am Scorpion." "I am Reptile." "I am Smoke." "I am Ermac." "I am Noob Siabot." Jin started laughing. "Ha ha ha!! Did you just say. nude?" Sub-Zero raised his hand again. "I am Sub-Zero. And together we are. The Six Ninja Guys Who All Look Alike but Wear Different Colors and Have Different Abilities!!!" "The who?" Kazuya said. Sub-Zero seethed," I said. The Six ninja Guys Who All Look Alike but Wear Different Clothes and Have Different Abilities!!!" Paul hit the floor and started laughing. Yoshi was flying around laughing. Bryan was beating off and laughing at the same time. Then Sub-Zero said," Okay, what's your name?" "I am Kazuya, master of uppercuts." "I am Jin, the true master of uppercuts." "I am King, bone breaking wrestler supreme." "I am Paul, the power punching piece of white trash." "I am Yoshimitsu, sword wielding master of cutlery." "I'm Bryan. I'm from Mars. I'm a zombie." Kazuya jumped onto a high ledge and said," And together we are. The Masters of Uppercuts, Power Punching White Trash, Bone Breaking Wrestling, Sword Wielding Masters of Cutlery, and Martian Zombie Group!!!" It's: The Masters of Uppercuts, Power Punching White Trash, Bone Breaking Wrestling, Sword Wielding Master of Cutlery, and Martian Zombie Group versus The Six Ninja Guys Who All Look Alike but Wear Different Colors and Have Different Abilities!!!!!!! A biblical fight ensued.
BUT SUDDENLY THE SUN WENT OUT AND ALL LIFE ON THE PLANET WAS EXTINGUISHED EXCEPT FOR KAZUYA AND THE OTHERS BECAUSE THE NINJA GUYS DIED AFTER THE SUN CAME BACK ON WHEN GANRYU FOUND AN OUTLET FOR IT
(Completely random things here)
At a long street.
Yoshi and King were discussing a topic. Yoshi turned and said," You know acronyms?" "Yeah?" "Well, what if you take an acronym, but the letters mean completely different things?" "How so?" "Like, uh. take ATM, for example. Automated Teller Machine, right?" "Yeah?" "What if you changed it to. Ass Thrusting Machine?" King hit the ground, laughing.
At another street.
Hwoarang was walking down the street. Michelle said," How's it going?" "Not bad. Still trying to avoid Ganryu?" "Yeah." Michelle disappeared around a corner. Ganryu came up. "Hey, Hwoarang. Did you see Michelle?" "Yes, but come on. If you want her try this." Hwoarang went up to Nina and said," Come on, bitch. Let's go down to the whore house and screw." "You got it." They were gone in a flash. Ganryu observed with great dignity. Would it work? Ganryu confronted Michelle and said," Come on, bitch. Lets-" SLAP!!
In a house.
Bruce thought to himself: "If I had a son, I would name him God, so I can slap God around. Ha ha ha!! God, go to your room! God, shut up!! Ha ha!! OBEY ME, GOD!! God, I helped create you!!!!
- Was that funny at all? Whatever. Anyway, since I'm running out of ideas, the last chapter will be coming up soon. Until next time!
By BahamutZERO
Chapter 4
At the big warehouse.
Jin was quivering on a box. His mother and father were giving him. the talk. "Now, listen, Jin," Kazuya said. "There are several ways to prevent pregnancy. One way is abstinence. And of all the methods, abstinence is 100% effective. Other ways would be the use of condoms or birth control pills." Jin put his hand up. "Why are you telling me this? It's not like you two practice these habits." Jun put an arm around Jin. "Honey, we know that you're going out with Ling, and we want you to be safe. Now, another way to prevent pregnancy that is not effective at all is "withdrawal." That's when you pull your. uh, your." Kazuya finished. "That's when the guy pulls his penis out before he blows his load." "That's right, Jin. You know, Kazuya tried it with me and that's how we got you. Do you remember that, pumpkin?" "Yeah. It was just two hours and 37 minutes after we got married." Ganryu was chasing Michelle again. Michelle climbed atop several boxes. "Get away from me, you pudgy piece of lard!" she screamed. King came out and said," He's here! Everyone get into position!!" Everyone snapped away and hid himself or herself. Paul walked in and looked around, searching for this so-called interesting thing. "Alright, what's going on here?" "SURPRISE!!!!" Paul screamed and ran for the door. "Wait, Paul!" Nina said. "We just want to give you a present!" Paul came back opened a huge box. Inside. was a brand new Harley Davidson. "Oh, come on you guys. You didn't have to do this," Paul said, almost on the edge of tears. "Yes, we did. You've been such a good friend," Kazuya heartily chuckled. Nina added," Don't you have some incentive to not treat us like shit?" Paul though for a second and said," No." Paul jumped on and drove off. "Thanks, guys!" he yelled back. Yoshi sighed and said," Good thing I rigged it." He produced a small remote control and hit the button. K.BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!! (very loud explosion). King looked around and said," PARTY AT MY HOUSE!!!!" "HELL YEAH!!!"
(Complete change of scenery)
Once upon a time. no wait. that's too corny. Okay, how about. Once, there was an old temple which housed a very nasty being called Ogre. Known as the GOD OF FIGHTING, it was a fearsome beast that stole the souls of all who succumbed to its wrath. However, thanks to the efforts of Jin Kazama, Ogre met its untimely demise right back in the Aztec temple it had awakened in. A recent study of the area revealed that there were unusual amounts of psychometric interference was emanating from the temple. The experts of the study believed that something was definitely happening in the temple. They decided to call upon Jin to investigate.
At a small mountain cabin.
"Oh, yeah! Who's your daddy?" Jun and Kazuya were. were. watching a promotional tape on how to have better sex. Jin and Ling were sitting in his room. "Jin, you know that we've been going steady for about 3 months now." "Yeah." "So, if you want to. you know." Ring-ring. Jin answered the phone. "Hello?" "Jin Mishima?" "Uh, no that's-" "You and your father Kazuya Kazama need to come at once to that old Aztec temple where Ogre is. Please?" "Okay." Jin addressed Ling. "Sorry, but I have to go." "Well, that's all right. I'll see you later, stud." She squeezed his ass and left.
At a really big city.
New York. Here in the city where dreams come true and desires rule all, something is being bought, sold, and thrown away, even as we speak. But behind the scenes from business as usual, the nefarious J. E. (Junker Expensive) Corporation has been selling the consumers products of no positive value. As J. E. swindles yet another customer into purchasing high- priced junk, the FBI mobilizes a special task force to put a stop to the menace. Now, the world's best-kept spy is out there, ready to protect the public from the twisted desires of J. E.- just call him 2.5 (Two-point- five). "This is gonna be an awesome game!" Paul yelled as he examined the back of the computer game. "Sure sounds like it," Forrest said, as he pulled his credit card from his wallet. Suddenly, several men wearing bulletproof vests entered and proceeded to drag Paul out of the store. "HEY!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU FUCKING CRACKHEADS!!!"
At a restaurant.
Yoshi was walking around in the kitchen, ordering the other chefs around. "You! Get back to work! A pinch of salt, I said! Use a wooden spoon, you idiot. Hey! Stop standing around scratching your balls! Go help that guy!" Suddenly, several men wearing bulletproof vests came in and proceeded to drag Yoshi out of the restaurant. "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU FUCKING CRACKHEADS!!"
At a wrestling ring.
King was facing his opponent. He quickly picked him up by his legs and threw him into the crowd. King raised his arms in triumph. Suddenly, several men wearing bulletproof vests entered and proceeded to drag King away from the ring. "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU FUCKING CRACKHEADS!!"
At a whore house.
Bryan was busy whacking off with a bunch of other whores. Requiring a Kleenex, Bryan jumped off the table and crossed to the other side of the room. Suddenly, Blah blah blah. "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE BLAH BLAH BLAH, CRACKHEADS!!"
At an old Aztec temple.
Yoshi, Kazuya, Jin, Paul, Bryan, and King were standing in front of the central door. Paul lost his patience. "What the fuck are we doing here?" Jin raised a hand to calm the seething soul. "Listen. Ogre is a nasty being from outer space. Some researchers think he's back." "That's right," Kazuya said. "I was going to send some pictures back to my wife, but I forgot the stupid camera." The hours dragged on. Yoshi and Paul were playing poker. Paul and Yoshi were arranging their cards. Paul: I can't lose with this! Two aces beat everything! Yoshi: I can't lose with this! A royal flush of spades beats everything! Paul said," I'll bet you. fifty cents." "I'll see you and raise you 97 dollars." King was sleeping. He rolled over and his tight shorts fell down, exposing his. you know. "DAMMIT!! WHY DO I KEEP LOSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!" Yoshi simply took out a pad of paper and wrote something down. "So far, you owe me $2500," he said. Suddenly, a ninja in a blue costume leaped down. Everyone snapped to attention (King quickly pulled his pants up). The ninja said," I am Sub- Zero." "It's not that cold," Bryan said. "No, my name is Sub-Zero." Kazuya fiddled around in his bag. "There's the camera. SHIT!!" He flashed it in Bryan's face, who went haywire and started beating off for no reason. Suddenly, more ninjas jumped down, each wearing a different color. King was shocked. "Who the fuck are these guys?" Sub-Zero stepped up and raised a hand. " I am Sub-Zero." "You already told us that, you crackhead," Paul said, as he kinked his neck. The other ninjas told their names. "I am Scorpion." "I am Reptile." "I am Smoke." "I am Ermac." "I am Noob Siabot." Jin started laughing. "Ha ha ha!! Did you just say. nude?" Sub-Zero raised his hand again. "I am Sub-Zero. And together we are. The Six Ninja Guys Who All Look Alike but Wear Different Colors and Have Different Abilities!!!" "The who?" Kazuya said. Sub-Zero seethed," I said. The Six ninja Guys Who All Look Alike but Wear Different Clothes and Have Different Abilities!!!" Paul hit the floor and started laughing. Yoshi was flying around laughing. Bryan was beating off and laughing at the same time. Then Sub-Zero said," Okay, what's your name?" "I am Kazuya, master of uppercuts." "I am Jin, the true master of uppercuts." "I am King, bone breaking wrestler supreme." "I am Paul, the power punching piece of white trash." "I am Yoshimitsu, sword wielding master of cutlery." "I'm Bryan. I'm from Mars. I'm a zombie." Kazuya jumped onto a high ledge and said," And together we are. The Masters of Uppercuts, Power Punching White Trash, Bone Breaking Wrestling, Sword Wielding Masters of Cutlery, and Martian Zombie Group!!!" It's: The Masters of Uppercuts, Power Punching White Trash, Bone Breaking Wrestling, Sword Wielding Master of Cutlery, and Martian Zombie Group versus The Six Ninja Guys Who All Look Alike but Wear Different Colors and Have Different Abilities!!!!!!! A biblical fight ensued.
BUT SUDDENLY THE SUN WENT OUT AND ALL LIFE ON THE PLANET WAS EXTINGUISHED EXCEPT FOR KAZUYA AND THE OTHERS BECAUSE THE NINJA GUYS DIED AFTER THE SUN CAME BACK ON WHEN GANRYU FOUND AN OUTLET FOR IT
(Completely random things here)
At a long street.
Yoshi and King were discussing a topic. Yoshi turned and said," You know acronyms?" "Yeah?" "Well, what if you take an acronym, but the letters mean completely different things?" "How so?" "Like, uh. take ATM, for example. Automated Teller Machine, right?" "Yeah?" "What if you changed it to. Ass Thrusting Machine?" King hit the ground, laughing.
At another street.
Hwoarang was walking down the street. Michelle said," How's it going?" "Not bad. Still trying to avoid Ganryu?" "Yeah." Michelle disappeared around a corner. Ganryu came up. "Hey, Hwoarang. Did you see Michelle?" "Yes, but come on. If you want her try this." Hwoarang went up to Nina and said," Come on, bitch. Let's go down to the whore house and screw." "You got it." They were gone in a flash. Ganryu observed with great dignity. Would it work? Ganryu confronted Michelle and said," Come on, bitch. Lets-" SLAP!!
In a house.
Bruce thought to himself: "If I had a son, I would name him God, so I can slap God around. Ha ha ha!! God, go to your room! God, shut up!! Ha ha!! OBEY ME, GOD!! God, I helped create you!!!!
- Was that funny at all? Whatever. Anyway, since I'm running out of ideas, the last chapter will be coming up soon. Until next time!
