Hey! It's Chapter one!...Oh how fun! --(Rhymes.) Yeah, I really don't have anything to say, is the thing. I don't own Cowboy Beebop, though! And, as always, enjoy.

O, My Troubles With God

By Rio Grande

Chapter One: Fast Food
"Personally, I think this Julia character sounds like a bitch," a fake blonde with a fake rack and a fake shiny leather jacket but real diamond earrings, decided firmly, blowing a puff of smoke out of the side of her mouth as she spoke.

"Teelll me about it," Faye moaned in a raspy voice, clunking her beer bottle down hard on the table, and lifting her face up to get a better look at... Sheryl? Sherry? Shelly?... whatever.

"I mean, cheating on your boyfriend while he's at WAR, thus starting a colossal battle within one of the most powerful syndicates, only to then disappear into the shadows in hopes of never being found AND causing both men a great amount of internal grief?... where does she get off doing something like that, hu?" she sniffed, shaking her head disdainfully. Faye narrowed her eyes, thinking deep, sad thoughts. Why had she told this woman Spike's life story? Was the first thing that came to mind... and then... a jolt of realization about the man's situation. Well, ex-situation. It was... a little more complicated then that. And she knew it, too.

She knew Julia, nor Spike, nor practically anybody else in the world except for maybe Vicious himself, could have really found a better way out of that predicament. On the other hand, they HAD dug this grave for themselves. No one told Julia she had to have an affair with her boyfriend's partner. Just as no one had forced Spike to try to run away with the syndicate Princess. With that in mind, combined with the fact that she was terribly wasted, Faye continued her rather odd, and brainless (yet somehow... not) conversation with Sheryl or Sherry or Shelly, the random blonde (and surprisingly wealthy thanks to a lucky marriage on Mars.) ditz she had stumbled upon that night.

"I know! It's just scandalous," Faye agreed wholeheartedly, shaking her head, and then stopping as the room began to spin.

Just after Faye had left in a flurry from the French Restaurant, she had immediately fallen into a deep depression, moping around the streets filled with lots of people who were all apparently richer, happier, and less obsessed with dead people than she was. After a certain amount of sulking, she had decided to knock herself out of her stupor by finding the nearest bar and getting thoroughly hammered. True, it wasn't her ideal bar, a little too fancy, and little too upper class for her taste, on one of the upper floors of her ritzy hotel... but it made a wonderful mimosa and would just have to do.

After a few beers and a pack of cigarettes, Sherry... Sheryl had come storming in, quickly jumped onto a bar stool, ordered a round of shots, and sat there drinking like a fish under Faye's curious gaze, until Faye had quietly pointed out that Shelly was sure to keel over if she kept up like that.

That seemed to be all the encouraging the rich blonde with the big boob job needed, before she hurled herself into a sob story about her husband and the 17 year old he had been having an affair with.

Faye, being unusually quiet, took it all in with a slightly concerned expression. And after Sheryl was done with the water works, Faye had topped the tale with a depressing story of her own, that left Sheryl dumfounded. Even if that sob story didn't necessarily pertain to FAYE in anyway the woman could disconcert, it was impressive nonetheless.

And now the duo sat there, quietly wadding in their own sorrows, Faye having traded mimosas for lots of beer some time ago, and Sherry smoking like a chimney, in a way she hadn't done for years.

"And you know what else...? You know what? Even after all that..." Faye said, hiccupping lightly as she continued in a slightly more subdued tone.

"What?" Sheryl asked with a slur, turning slowly to gaze at her purple haired companion, whose physique was not only natural, but rivaled her own.

"I still loved him..." Faye said in a soft whisper, so that only her ears could hear the raw confession.

"Hm?" Sherry asked, cocking her head, and then quickly snapping it back up again as her whole body threatened to fall off of the stool she was perched upon. "What was that? Couldn't hear you," she giggled.

"She died." Faye stated flatly, louder, with apparently no remorse in her tone. "Yeah... after all that, when she and her lover boy were finally reunited... she went and got herself shot,"

"No!" gasped Shelly, placing a shaking hand over her heart. "You mean... seriously?..."

"Yep," Faye said, hopping off her own barstool and stretching, then just as quickly regretting the action as she saw stars.

"That's sort of sad..." Sheryl admitted, turning back to her own mug of beer, and gazing into its foamy brown depths, as if it would give her an answer to all of the problems she was currently facing.

"Ahh... no more saddening then yours," Faye said confidently, slapping one hand onto the woman's shoulder, and daintily wiping some peanut shells off her butt with the other.

"I guess so," Sherry admitted, turning to stare at her drinking partner, looking slightly trashy with her small blue dress and now completely smeared and ruined make up. Faye winced, had she really just spent the better part of the night with this rich priss? Ah well... she supposed it hadn't been THAT bad. In fact, she had just gotten a lot off her chest! She couldn't remember the last time she had told anyone the story of Spike.

"Well, gottsta head back now... you know... stuff to be done," Faye lied, thinking she really just needed to get out of the stuffy bar, and go dump the contents of her stomach into some toilet.

"Yeah... yeah me too!" Shelly agreed, getting off her stool, and then wobbling around awkwardly, tripping over her own feet, which were encased in electric blue pumps. She grabbed on to Faye in an effort to keep herself steady, while Faye found herself almost falling over at the action, too. "I've... I've gotta go home and blow my DAMN husband's HEAD OFF!" she growled/gurgled, now holding onto the bar for support as she dramatically informed the entire bar of her intentions.

At those words, pictures of Faye's bounty flashed through her head.

"Ummm... how about not?" she suggested, once more helping the blonde to her feet. "I'm not so sure if that would go over well with the neighbors, you know?"

"I... I guess you're right," Sherry said, sighing remorsefully, and looking deeply saddened by the realization.

"Ummm... Sheryl?" Faye said, a flash of kindness sliding over her features. "How about I call for a car for you, hm?"

"...Good idea."

'I don't know what got into me back there... I was so... charitable! So kind!' Faye thought to herself as she stumbled down the street, briefly wondering why she didn't call a car for herself. Well, it wasn't like she knew where she was going now that she had left the bar, anyway... 'I mean, I'm not nice to my close friends, much less to bimbos I meet in bars!...' Faye frowned briefly, shivering lightly in the cool night breeze, still wearing her cut of jeans shorts. 'But then again, she wasn't really a bimbo. No, she was ... a nice person.' Faye's emerald eyes widened. 'Shit, I really AM going soft!... this isn't what I need,' she mentally groaned, massaging her buzzing temples with one hand.

She felt like utter crap, and really needed something more than just beer in her stomach. For, besides the fact that she felt like hurling, Faye was really quite hungry.

"But, what am I gonna eat with ... two dollars?" Faye mumbled sadly to herself, digging through her pocket for money left over from her adventure at the bar.

Then, in an explosion of bright red, flashing lights and a waving cartoon fish from across the street, it hit her. 'Captain Tuna's Fish House!', a widely popular chain of cheap seafood... a combination which made Faye shudder unpleasantly, but she figured it was the only fast food restaurant she was going to find for some time, and she had better just suck it up.

Marching unstably across the street, Faye entered the fish house, and was immediately greeted with an overwhelming smell of lots of air fresheners layered over the already gross odors of less than fresh seafood. She shuddered nauseously, but continued to bravely walk towards the cash register, glancing at the bright menus above her as she did so.

"Welcome to Captain Tuna's, may I take your order please?" a pimply female teenager asked in a nasal voice, sounding as though she had asked that question far to many times in her life.

"Um... yeah, I want one ... Crabby Crap Critter thingy..."

"A Crabby Crustacean Kritter Cake." the girl clarified, knowingly.

"Right. That. And a small Fresh French Fish's Captain..?" Faye tried.

"A small box of Captain Tuna's Officially Fresh Fishy French Fries?" the girl, 'Toby', according to her tag, equipped with grinning octopus, confirmed.

"Sure, whatever. And... a small coke." Faye finished, leaning on the counter and letting her eyelids droop. No use wasting precious energy on something as silly as keeping your eyes open.

"You mean a Surely Super Seafood Soda-"

"Yes! That!" Faye agreed, hurrying the girl off with a sharp wave of her hand.

"One second, M'am." Toby replied.

"Good." Faye mumbled, turning her head to the other side, in hopes of finding a breath of fresh air, only to be greeted with the sight of a dead animal.

"Ah-" Faye gasped quietly, looking the deceased mink dead in the eye, its mouth forever opened in a silent scream. Faye bit her lip, and looked up at who owned such an expensive coat, and who was wearing it in such a cheap place. Personally, Faye had always wanted a fur coat of her own, but she figured if she had one, she would be wealthy enough to not have to eat at Captain Tuna's.

"Hello," Faye said to the owner of the coat, a woman who was currently staring at her, contemplatively. She said nothing, simply nodded her head and then smiled in Faye's direction, picking up her fish patty, and walking of with a decidedly disdainful expression on her face now.

'That woman... she looks so familiar.' Faye thought, watching the woman's long, dark blue hair retreat back to her own table. She sat down in the corner along with three other men, all wearing dark suits, and scowls on their faces. Faye squinted at the woman, trying to get a better look at her, frustrated she couldn't remember where she had seen that face before... when she saw it.... the scar... the scar down her face... Faye's eyes locked with Yoloko's for a second, before Faye gasped quietly and turned back to the register, a hand over her mouth.

"That'll be 2.50 please," Toby said, sniffing loudly.

"Ok..." Faye mumbled, digging even deeper into her pocket in search for fifty cents, legs suddenly shaking not because she was wasted now, but because she was a little scared.

'Why, of all of the times I could have run into her, it has to be in a fast food restaurant when I'm completely drunk off my ass, and not thinking straight,' Faye wondered, looking up and cursing out any Gods who cared to listen. None did.

Finally, having scavenged the needed fifty cents, and deftly handing the money over to Toby, before picking up her own tray and turning to leave, Faye found herself being drawn to the back corner, where Madame Yoloko's guards were eying her suspiciously. Faye bit her lip and stopped around six feet away from her bounty's table, shuffling her feet awkwardly.

"What do you want?" one guard hissed in a deep monotone, flexing his fingers. Definitely a warning sign, but she would have none of it.

"Nothing," Faye quickly replied, not sure what she was doing, but thinking of an attack strategy anyway, in her head.

"You drunk?" Another asked, looking her over carefully, slowly, taking in the mussed up hair, the shaking legs, the half lidded eyes that gave the distinct impression that the lights were on but no one was home.

"Yes. Definitely." Faye automatically answered, taking another step closer, money signs flashing in her eyes. This woman was worth money! Lots and lots of money! Money that could buy her fur coats and beer and a mansion on Earth... her eyes focused on the blue haired woman sitting towards the back of the group, eying Faye with mysterious, knowing eyes, that had a subtle hint of insanity to them. She licked her red lips with a smirk. She knew. She knew Faye had come for her. And Faye didn't care.

Just as the guards had started to snigger about Faye's condition, thinking it quite amusing that some drunk hottie had come up to them in the dead of the night... Faye attacked. Launching herself at the five of them, and easily covering the remaining five feet separating her from her target, Faye lifted up her tray and slammed it down hard over the first guard's head. He cried out in surprise and pain, covering his face as Faye moved on to the next man, showing no real skill or tact in her approach, but a terrifying will to get what she wanted.

"Die, you!" Faye screeched, her voice scratchy and over used. It was then that the remaining two guards whipped out their guns, and it hit Faye that she wasn't (for once) armed... 'Shit,' were Faye's thoughts on the matter.

"What's wrong with you, you crazy bitch?" one guard growled, watching as Toby whimpered and fled from the cash register to go warn her manager. This did not bode well. "What the hell do you think you're doing!?" he howled, angry.

Honestly not having a good answer for that one, Faye blindly threw herself at the man, showing surprising strength, and knocking the gun out of his large hand. He hissed in pain as his head snapped back into the wall behind him. The semi automatic skid to the floor a few feet off, and as Faye dove to the floor to retrieve it for herself, the last guard decided to take some initiative.

"You wench!" he screamed with feeling, cocking his own gun at the bounty hunter's head, and missing as she abruptly stood, weapon in hand. She screamed in pain as the bullet went directly through her left arm, causing the gun to once again fly out of reach.

Thinking fast, as only a really wounded person could do, Faye picked up her tray again, and this time hurled it at her attacker, watching in satisfaction as it hit him in the neck, and he burst into a bout of hacking coughs, quickly doubling over.

Faye smirked through the haze of pain, quickly marching toward Yoloko, the epicenter of all her conscious thoughts. And just as she was two feet away... almost there!- the first guard grabbed her from behind, painfully squeezing her left arm to him so that Faye cried out in agony. The guard with the black eye sniggered, served the witch right!

Yoloko, who hadn't so much as batted a lash the entire time, now smiled once more, carefully standing up, and walking forward, almost gliding up the floor, like a snake, until she was standing directly in front of the wounded bounty huntress.

"I've heard of you, Faye Valentine," Yoloko said, her voice as smooth as silk, and slightly high pitched.

"Wow... I'm honored," Faye said in mock awe, still managing to keep her wicked tongue, even after being shot through the arm and while pinned to a muscle of a person.

"Well, I'm not," Yoloko replied simply. "I don't like bounty hunters... I don't have time to be worried about them,"

"Terribly sorry about that, but it's not exactly your choice!!" Faye growled, angered at this woman's utter lack of fear or discomfort. Wasn't she an intimidating person? Didn't Faye strike fear into the very hearts of criminals all over the world? Didn't she?!

"I suppose you're right," Yoloko sighed, folding her hands neatly in front of her. "But in any case, I don't think I can allow you to live, especially after this little performance, Ms. Valentine. You've been an annoying pest ever since you came to this town, and I really can't afford to have you around any more. There are too many important things happening around here just now... and you would only interfere with their ultimate success." she admitted. Faye's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You really have been a nuisance."

"Good." Faye spat, glad she had been on the right trail all along, in any case.

"I should think not, for you, especially," Yoloko said, snapping her fingers, as one of the injured guards stepped forward, gun in hand. Faye bit her lip as she realized what he was going to do ... how was she supposed to get out of this one!? "Say goodbye, bounty hunter." Yoloko whispered, pronouncing the last words as if they were a vile curse.

Faye closed her eyes as she heard the gun be cocked at her, tensing up and hoping for a miracle as her life began to flash before her eyes... 'No! It can't end like this!!... not here, not now! Not in Captain Tuna's FISH HOUSE! '

BAM!

"What!?" Yoloko cried, spinning on her heal to look at the manager, who stood behind the counter now, with Toby cowering behind him. Yoloko hissed her anger as the guards now pointed their guns at the middle aged man who had shot at them. Faye let out a visible sigh of relief, watching as the manager steadily turned red.

"What the hell is going on here! No violence in this restaurant, do you hear?! Now let that lady go!" the manager cried, still aiming his riffle at the group. "Or I'll call the police!" he threatened.

"You heard the man!" Faye cried, gathering up the last of her strength to tear herself away from the now surprised guard, and then lifting one leg up to kick him in the face while she was still turned around. The guard sputtered in pain and collapsed to the floor once more, just as Faye grabbed her chance and racing out of the restaurant, the piercing sound of gunshots following her into the night.

"Follow her!" Yoloko ordered, chasing after her guards as they all began to pursue Faye, leaving the stunned manager and a terrified Toby behind.

The guards were fast but Faye was faster, even with her wounded arm, years of running away from various things having given her plenty of practice. Her breath came out in ragged pants, as one hand clasped her bleeding arm. She ran down a variety of streets and allies, turning corners whenever she could, until she was entirely sure she had lost her attackers.

She skidded to a stop in a particularly dark ally, leaning against the wall and breathing towards the ground, eyes closed.

Blue spots filled her vision as she felt her knees give out, the beer, shock and blood loss suddenly too much for her. She rested her head against the wall now too, a small tear forming in her eye, dripping down her face and ignoring how hard she tried to hold it back. Her wounded arm hung uselessly by her side, and she frowned through the pain.

"Valentine... you are such a dumb ass." Faye croaked, wondering what had inspired her to attack four armed men and a wanted woman while she had no gun, and wasn't in the best of shape. Oh right... money... damn money...

"You can say that again," a masculine voice agreed from above her.

"No!" Faye rasped weakly, looking up, and expecting to see a guard grinning down at her, and with her no way to escape... but instead, she was greeted with the dark outline of a lithe man wearing a suit, his messy head of hair blowing lightly in the wind... his form incredibly hard to see for some reason... even in the dark of the night. "Please..." Faye got out, before her head lolled to the side like a broken doll's, and she completely lost consciousness, much to her chagrin. Damn... tonight just wasn't her night.

"Yeah, yeah," the man sighed, picking up the woman off the dirty ground, and sauntering into the darkness. "It's not like I could just leave you here, anyway..."

*

Spike Spiegel was... used to be one of the greatest bounty hunters ever, in his humble opinion.

He used to be a man to be reckoned with, a shadow lurking in the corners of your very house if you had a substantial enough bounty on your head. He used to be quick as a cat and just as graceful, with a punch that could put many a WWF champion to shame... But now...

Now he had trouble opening doors.

It wasn't as though he wasn't strong enough...No, that wasn't it. It was just that... he wasn't... exactly... solid... and his hand had the annoying tendency to phase through things when he wanted to touch them.

Probably because he was a ghost.

However, he COULD touch things, open doors, hold a beer bottle, even pick someone up... it just took a great deal of concentration and energy on his part, and this not only frustrated him to no end, but made it incredibly hard to defend himself or carry on with life as normal at all!

Not that he would try to anyway... it was hard living an average life when no one could SEE you, after all...

Unless, of course, the person had had a strong bond with him in his past life, and really wanted to see him... to believe he was back.

Faye Valentine, apparently, to his great surprise, one could imagine, was one of those people.

He had only planned on getting the injured bounty huntress to safety, and then seeing how things went from there, checking her for clues, or answers... but he had never expected her to SEE him!... hardly any of his friends who actually CARED about him did THAT! Spike shook his head as he finally got a firm grip on the knob, and pushed open the door, Faye's form curled up in his arms, her own limb still dripping with bright red blood.

He quickly set the woman on a couch, and got a bowl of water and a cloth, planning to tend to his old... friend's... wounds while she was still out, making it that much easier for him. Spike may have been dead for three years, but the sound of Faye bitching and moaning was still etched clearly in his mind... the sheer familiarity of that action brought a wry, grudging smile to Spike's mouth, and he almost anticipated her first tantrum with giddiness.

Well, you just appreciate things more, when you're dead.

After struggling a bit with the wet cloth that didn't seem to want to agree with him, or his slightly transparent body, Spike finally got to cleaning Faye's bullet wound, adding some pressure to it first as the blood finally stopped seeping out of her arm and onto his clothes. He wiped away the dry, darker blood, trying to get a good look at what the bullet had done to Faye's left arm.

"Good, it's a clean shot," Spike said, smiling a little, relieved he didn't have to take out the bullet himself, seeing as how that could have been a little difficult and messy with his body, and continued to finish washing the wound so he could dress it.

Just as Spike had finished the worst of the work, and was concluding wrapping the bandage around Faye's thin, yet muscular arm, the slightly bedraggled woman herself woke up. She gasped a little before wincing in pain, eyes shut. Spike frowned, suddenly a little wary, and not at all sure how this was going to turn out...

"Where am I?..." she gasped piteously, a bead of sweat running down her face. Spike sighed a bit and replied a damp cloth to her forehead. She nodded weakly in appreciation. "Thanks." was her hoarse reply.

"You're in my hotel room." he mentioned after a moment, apparently just remembering her original question. Faye's vibrant eyes were immediately wrenched open, her dry lips slightly parted.

"...Shit. Who are you?" she asked, sounding even more vulnerable now, if possible. It was sort of endearing. Spike removed the cloth, and rested his face in his hand, at her question.

"Well... thing of it is, I'm not so sure you want to know." he admitted.

"What the hell are you talking about? Why not?" Faye asked, tediously craning her neck to the side, trying to find out who her possible rescuer was. However, there was a bright light behind Spike, and it blazed right through him, so Faye had a hard time disconcerting his features, his body a blue shadow. "What's going on? Why can't I see you? Is... is that light shining THROUGH you?" she squawked, confused, unable to comprehend what was happening.

"It would look that way." Spike admitted, standing a bit to the side, easing the light off himself. Faye followed his figure, watching as his features gradually became easier to distinguish.

And then she realized she really DIDN'T want to know who this man was.

"NO! No no no nooo!" she cried into her hands, turning on her side and leaning as far as she possibly could away from the ghost of a man who was Spike Spiegel. no longer exactly in the flesh, but something eerily akin to it.

"Gee, good to see you to. How has life been for YOU?" Spike asked dryly, plopping as easily as he could without sinking through it, onto a chair, and watching Faye with a seemingly casual eye, even though he was really waiting with bated breath. After all, this woman, if she could really see him, might be his ticket to-

"Go AWAY! I can't BELIEVE this! What IS this? Some sort of fucked up joke!?" Faye all but sobbed. She had just been getting over him, how dare something like this happen! How dare it! She couldn't handle this! Not now!

"See, I'd really love to go away, Faye, seeing as you aren't exactly the person I want to spend my after-life with. but. I need something from you." Spike admitted casually.

"Go away go away go away! I'm not listeniiinnng!" Faye sang, wrapping herself in a blanket of denial, hoping to get herself far enough away from this man, mentally, so that he couldn't hurt her. so that he would just leave and finally let her heal. Various undead veins were popping in Spike's head, and his eye twitched almost imperceptibly as he replied in the most even tone he could congregate.

"It's your own fault, woman! Why do you want me to be alive!? Why do YOU have to be the one who truly wants to SEE me, eh?"

"But I DON'T!" Faye insisted vehemently. "Where did you get THAT idea you lunk head!" she screeched. The antagonizing name was so utterly familiar to Spike, that a flash of warm nostalgia raced through him, and he was tempted to actually embrace it. He shook his head.

"Yes. Yes you do. There can be no other reason for you to be able to see me. No one else could! And trust me, I've tried EVERYONE else. You're the only one who either doesn't want me to be gone, or hasn't yet laid my memory to rest." he said in an even, factual tone.

"That can't be true. that can't be true." Faye chanted, tears stinging her eyes. "I WANT you to be gone so BAD, I CAN'T be the only one who can see you!" she gasped. Spike's eyes hardened.

"But you are. Now. I saved your life just now. Again. For about the 100th time since I've met you. So now you owe ME something, and it's time to pay up." He stated, leaving no room for debate. Faye gave him a despairing look, before fainting once more, face first onto the couch.

"Shit." Spike swore, getting up and stomping over to the mini bar of the vacant hotel room he had claimed as his own.

Notes: Revvviieewww! Reviiiewww! Please! I really want comments on this one, and so far I haven't gotten so many. maybe it was the lame summary. In any case, stay tuned for the next chapter, of which I have not yet named!

Rio Grande (papaya41@aol.com)