My dearest Magenta,
I'm afraid this is goodbye. I have been an albatross around your neck far too long. Please don't be sad. Or should I say, please don't pretend to be sad? The Master says you will be relieved to be rid of me. And why not? What would a woman like you want with a man like me? I have nothing to offer you…no looks, no wealth, no social position. The Master tells me you have already found another lover, now that we're back on Transsexual. He says there's something going on between you and Rodolfo, that handsome young courtier who always seemed to find excuses to come around when you were working at the Palace. Is that why you've seemed so distracted lately? The Master, with great relish, paints quite a vivid word picture of what happens when you meet Rodolfo…too vivid, if the truth be told. Every time I look at you, I can see the scene the Master describes to me, just as if I were watching one of those Earthling movies. I see every kiss, every caress, every movement of your naked bodies; I hear every gasp, every moan. It would all be very erotic…if it weren't you making such passionate love to him.
But it is. And I cannot stand it.
All I have to keep me going are the nightly visits from the Master; I live for that moment I fall asleep and he appears to me. He offers me my only hope for redemption. Of course, he is unrelentingly cruel…he mocks me, he berates me, he belittles me. My every insecurity has been magnified a hundredfold; any vestige of self-respect is long gone. Most agonizing are those times when he tantalizes me with his beauty and sexual allure, playing unmercifully on the lust he knows I feel for him. He throws my desire back in my face, listing in excruciating detail every sinful act I want to perform on and with him, then taunting me with his utter and complete inaccessibility. Occasionally he even seduces Rocky right in front of me, doing everything to Rocky he knows I ache for him to do to me. He drives me ever closer to the edge of madness as I struggle under the weight of an unbearable combination of arousal, frustration and rejection. Yet I can't look away.
Despite his abuse, I need him. Maybe even because of his abuse. I need the punishment he provides by his very presence. I need the pain he brings with his brutality. He has made me understand I deserve nothing more; my weakness and treachery make me unworthy of happiness.
And yet…last night he told me how to make everything right. It all seems so clear now; I don't know why I didn't think of it myself. If I am to atone for my sin, I simply need to make an appropriate sacrifice…and that sacrifice, of course, is of myself. I will give up my life as an act of penance for robbing him of his. According to him, this act will bind us together for eternity; his careful choice of words leaves me with the hope the bond will be sexual as well as emotional.
Therefore, my dearest sister, please do not be surprised when you walk into the bathroom and find me there. I will be in the bathtub, my wrists slashed. I wanted to make sure the blood would be easy for you to clean up. You are now free to start your new life with Rodolfo, without the hindrance of my presence. It is my hope this final act will lead to a new life for me as well.
The Master awaits.
Your devoted brother,
Riff Raff
