CHAPTER 17
"Meriadoc! Pack up your things now. You will accompany me back to Brandy Hall."
Merry was shocked when he awoke and saw his father sitting in the chair. Bilbo stood next to Saradoc. Why was Dad here? Was Mum sick? Merry woke up feeling very ill and having a tremendous headache. He closed his eyes to let the room stop spinning.
"At once, Meriadoc!", said his father. "I don't have all day."
"Saradoc! The boy is sick and wounded!", Bilbo was shocked at Saradoc. "Can you not see that?!"
"I've seen it before, Bilbo, he's trying for attention."
Just the sound of his father's voice angered and nauseated Merry. He decided that he would stand like a grown hobbit and tell his father what he had come to terms with. He laid aside his blankets and slowly stood up. His head felt like a twenty-pound weight. He swayed a little, and even gripped his night table, but never once reached out to his father--he was past that.
"Merry, you must lie down!", Bilbo ran to Merry's side.
"I am not coming with you now, or ever!", Merry spoke to his father, feeling a huge knot tighten in his stomach. "Too long have I been without a father who cares or even loves me.", Merry grew pale and gripped the night table tighter. "Too long have I been a bastard child in my own home--if you want to call it that!! Why was I even born?! I would surely like to know the answer to that question!" Merry's eyes filled with tears, but he wasn't going to let Saradoc have the satisfaction of seeing them.
Saradoc stared at Merry in disbelief. "How is it that you speak to me in such a manner? What have I ever done to you, boy?"
"Nothing!", Merry said, his voice trembling, "that's the problem! You've never once touched me! Never held me, never kissed me, never patted my head." Merry felt what little strength he had was draining fast. "Anytime you were at home, you really weren't there; you were always locked away in your study! I've never felt like I meant anything to you!" A tear escaped. Then he added, "You didn't want me then, and I don't want you now!"
Merry was now holding onto the bed table with both hands, quivering. "What a laughable lot we are!", he said, his strength all spent now. He tried to set himself back onto the bed, but missed and fell to the floor.
Bilbo, even though he was getting up in years, stooped down to help Merry into bed.
"Stand aside", Bilbo heard the other hobbit say. Bilbo was surprised at this, and stood off to the side. Saradoc walked up to Merry, who was too exhausted from his injuries and tears to care. "He is my child, my son", Saradoc said as he stooped down, and took his son into his arms and laid him into the bed. He covered Merry up, and sat on the edge of the bed. Saradoc leaned on his staff while in thought, and finally he said, "Meriadoc," he started, "...It's been too long ago, and I don't know where to begin; I never have." Saradoc said. "Merry...I still don't know where to begin....or how....and what shall I say after all these years? You are the brightest boy I've ever known--and have I told you this? You are the flower of my meadow and the star in my sky, but do you know this? Countless nights, Meriadoc, have I watched you sleep, because I couldn't bear to see your innocent blue eyes dance upon my own." Merry's head was turned in the other direction, away from his father. Saradoc continued, "Over the years, I have kept every drawing, every letter, and every painting you drew for me; and I have treasured each and every one. But have you seen this? No....no on all accounts. I have kept you at a distance, fearing to lose you....and have lost you all the same. I see now what I was too blind to see years ago; you had every right to say what you did." Then he added, "I only ask that you return for the sake of your mother."
Merry was concerned over Saradoc's last statement. "Is Mum well?"
"Mother is fine, lad, but I can hear her cry at night; she misses you and worries over you." said Saradoc.
Silence.
Saradoc sighed, took up his walking stick, and limped out of the room. Merry watched his father walk out, and never spoke a word.
"What in Middle Earth do you think he's rambling on about?", Merry looked at Bilbo.
Bilbo only sighed and shook his head. Unbeknownst to Bilbo, this piqued Merry's interest even more.
"What are you shaking your head about?"
Just then, Bilbo saw Paladin peek around the corner. Relieved to be distracted, Bilbo jumped up, "Hullo, Paladin! Come here, dear cousin! Sit, sit!"
Paladin smiled at Merry as he entered the room. "How are you, lad?", Paladin came over to Merry bent over him, and gently kissed him on his forehead.
"A little better now.", Merry said. "though I have a bad headache." he smiled weakly and added, "Perhaps if I ate something."
"Is Bilbo starving you?", Paladin jested.
"It's almost lunch! Goodness, me!", Bilbo got up and ran to prepare lunch for all his guests. He spotted Frodo still in the doorway, still in his nightshirt and clucked his tongue at the young hobbit. "What?!", Frodo turned and followed the old hobbit down the hallway and into kitchen.
Merry and Paladin were alone. Paladin looked at Merry; he had his sister Esmeralda's bright blue eyes, her smile, laugh, and sense of humor. Each time he looked at Merry, he saw Esmeralda. In Paladin's eyes, Merry was more a Took than a Brandybuck.
"How is Pippin, uncle Paladin?", Merry asked.
"Pippin is doing remarkable; though he has a very large headache himself, right now!", they both laughed. "Broken bones mend, Merry, though I can't say the same for broken hearts, eh? I saw Saradoc a few moments before I popped in."
Merry grew confused again, and told Paladin what Saradoc said.
Paladin shook his head. "Please don't do that!", Merry interjected, "Bilbo just did that and now I want to know all about whatever you all know that I don't!", said Merry, "it will probably not make a difference, but I'd like to know all the same."
Paladin let out a long breath. "Alright...A little over a year before you were born, you had an older brother." Merry raised his eyebrows. "No one told you, then?" Merry shook his head. Paladin continued. "It figures. His name was Saramac; he lived maybe...three or four months? Eglantine and I went to visit not long before he died; a tiny, beautiful little boy, much like my own Pippin." Paladin smiled at the memory of his tiny little Pippin. Then it disappeared as he again thought of Saramac. "Too tiny, though. He was born too early; he never grew, and never quite got the healthy color that most babies get. His death shook Saradoc, and it cut him deep--his first born, and a male child. He loved that boy more than life itself."
Merry listened intently at what Paladin spoke; this is something neither of his parents told him.
"Several months later, my sister--your mother-- found she was with child again; this time it was you, Merry. The healers said it was too soon, and that you had the same chances as your brother, Saramac. It was apparently too much for Saradoc; he took to locking himself in his study, and when you were born, he refused to see you. He was afraid that if he allowed himself to get close to you, you would die as did Saramac did. Esmeralda didn't know what to do--I told her to let Saradoc be for the present, I thought he would eventually come around in order to be a suitable father to you, but he never recovered from Saramac's death and seems to have carried his fears over to you. That is how you started your summer visits; your mother, your auntie, and I wanted you to have a father figure of some sort--even if it was only for a few weeks out of the summer. As you grew older, your father's separation became more painfully evident to you, and so that's when I persuaded Essie to let you visit more often. I thought I could be the father you so desperately wanted--and needed. Perhaps I erred in my judgment." Paladin smirked at his plan seemingly gone awry.
Merry reviewed everything that had happened in his life, and the one person that was there at each crucial moment, was Paladin. As he lost each baby tooth, Paladin was there to celebrate. The time he wanted to sleep out under the stars near a campfire, Paladin packed up two sacks and off they went--only a mile down the road, though. And every time those wretched thoughts of being unwanted crawled into his mind, Paladin was there to soothe him. The truth was, to some extent, he wasn't wanted. Merry had now come to terms with that, and the more Merry thought on that, the more he decided all else was best left behind him. He decided to focus on those who did love him: his mother, his extended Took family, Frodo, and most of all...Paladin. He would forever consider him his dad, his father. Saradoc lost out on all of that, and would never recover it. Those memories Merry cherished belonged to him and Paladin alone. If Saradoc wanted to come along for the ride in the future, Merry decided it he would let him ride; though it wouldn't likely change anything, and he'd have to prove himself to Merry.
"Erred? Did I turn out that bad?", asked Merry, with a twinkle in his eye.
"You know better than that!" Paladin smiled.
Merry grew serious, as he often did these days, "Uncle Paladin...thanks for being my dad...when I had no dad."
Paladin also grew serious, yet smiled back, "Thank you for being my son...when I had no son...and now I have two!"
CHAPTER 18
The three elder hobbits sat at the table and drank tea. Lunch was over with and the all the younger hobbits scattered when they were finished; only Pippin remained--he lagged a bit due to only one functioning arm. Pippin lifted his mug--this time filled with milk--and drank the last drop, and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. Noting no women folk at the table, he let loose the huge air bubble in his throat, and very loud it was! He giggled at the freedom.
"Pip", Paladin spoke quietly to his son, "use your napkin, and use your manners."
Pippin eyeballed the other company, "'scuse me.", and wiped his mouth once again, but used his napkin this time. He climbed down from his stool, still dressed in Frodo's huge shirt, and started to leave the kitchen.
Paladin had a quick thought. "Pippin", Paladin called. Pippin turned in his father's direction. "Come here, son."
What did I do this time?, he thought to himself. He walked over to his father. Instead of giving him a lecture, his father wrapped him in a hug; being that Pippin was used to his father's open affection, Pippin returned his father's hug, and gave him a kiss on his cheek. Wary of the staring eyes, Pippin became bashful and whispered in Paladin's ear, "I love you, papa." Then he ran out of the kitchen, but not before Paladin gave his son a loving swat on the bum.
"Pippin!" Paladin yelled after his son, "Be careful of your arm!!"
Once the last child was out of the room, the air became extremely tight around the two fathers.
Paladin looked straight at Saradoc. He was furious at his brother-in-law. "That is what you have missed all these years! You arrogant buffoon! You have missed your son placing his wet milky lips on your cheek, kiss you, and tell you he loves you. You've missed it all! You've missed teaching your son to burp--yes, of course I taught Pippin that--and Merry, too! You didn't think boys learned that from their mothers, did you? Yes, the drawings and letters are a part of it, but nothing, Saradoc, nothing, takes the place of all the hugs and kisses of affection from your flesh and blood!
I can't tell you how many tears your son has shed knowing he will never have what Pippin and I have; and that makes me sick to my stomach! All these years you have acted the fool, and tossed your son's love out the window like it was trash!! All he ever wanted was for you to return a simple hug, pat him on the head for a job well done, or hold his hand when he was afraid or had a nightmare. You missed all of that, Saradoc, and you can't go back to reclaim it! He's not a little boy anymore. He's almost grown, and has never known his father." Paladin had more to say, but the more he looked at Saradoc, the more annoyed he became. He sat back down on his chair. "Now what do you intend to do?"
Saradoc wiped his mouth with his napkin, and got up to leave. "Go back to Buckland. He obviously doesn't need me."
"I don't believe you, Sara!", Paladin let his anger loose. "This is what you've done for the past sixteen years! Haven't you had enough?! I know Merry has! He's not a child anymore, yes, but he's still a boy who needs his father! And now you run back to your study again? I won't have this--I will not stand idly by and watch you destroy your son!"
"What would you have me do?!", Saradoc shot back. "He doesn't want me! He's already made that clear!"
"Of course he's going to say that--he's protecting his heart from you cutting it into pieces by turning your back on him--again!! Fight for him, Saradoc--that's the only way you're ever going to get him back, and even then, you've still lost all those years. They will never return, but you can make a start today. Yes! Today, Saradoc, you can start over by fighting for him."
"And how would you suggest I do that?! You seem to be full of wisdom today."
"Think, Sara! Where have you NOT been these past sixteen years? At your son's side. He's still sick, and needs someone to look after him. No matter what he says or does, you must not leave him! Even if he tosses you out on your ear, don't leave him!" Paladin drew closer to Saradoc for this last bit; "I know he will kick and push you to the brink, but do not leave him--or this will be the very last time you ever see your son. Because mark my words--I know Merry as my own child--and if you leave him today without so much as lifting a finger to try and win him back, he will utterly reject you as his father."
