Act 1, Scene 1

Theseus: I'm horny.

Hippolyta: Calm down.

Theseus: Go, Philostrate!

Philostrate: Don't tell me what to do, biotch! *leaves anyway*

Egeus: I'm a cruel and heartless father.

Theseus: Hermia, your father is cruel and heartless; do what he tells you.

Hermia: No.

Lysander: Demetrius is evil!

Theseus: You know, I thought I noticed that…

Demetrius: Dammit! 

(Exeunt all but Hermia and Lysander)

Hermia: *sob*

Lysander: Don't cry; lovers can never be together.

Hermia: For some reason, this makes me happy.

Lysander: Let's run away.

Hermia: I will now have a ten-line speech to say OK.

(Enter Helena)

Helena: Why can't you make Demetrius love me?

Hermia: It's not my fault.  We're running away.  Bye! (Exeunt)

Lysander: Bye! (Exeunt)

Helena: Demetrius is an asshole!  Therefore, I must go betray my best friend so I can stalk my love. (Exeunt)

Act 1, Scene 2

Quince: Check out my oxymoron-filled play!

Bottom: I love that play!  So what's it about?

Quince: You get to be a lover.

Bottom: Yay!  I'm good at that!  Although I prefer improvised melodramatic tyrant speeches.  I want to play all the characters!

Quince: No.

Flute: You know, I really wouldn't mind if you let him play the girl's part…

Quince: No.

Snug: I'm dense.

Quince: Good for you.

Bottom: I enjoy talking in confusing sentences and oxymorons.

Quince: Let's meet in the conveniently placed wood that is quickly becoming the busiest place in Greece.

Act 2, Scene 1

Fairy: *flips hair a lot* I'm special!

Puck: Oberon and Titania are fighting!  For some reason I find it all quite hilarious.

Fairy: Are you Puck?

Puck: No shit!

(Enter Oberon and Titania)

Oberon: Drill bet by doomflight, brown bibania.

Director: Bottom, get offstage, I already told you that you can't play Oberon!

Real Oberon: You suck, Titania.

Titania: You cheated on me.

Oberon: So did you.

Titania: No I didn't!  All the evils of the world are your fault!

Oberon: No, it's all your fault!

Titania: Screw you!

(Exeunt Titania)

Oberon: Excuse me while I make several flowery speeches to say that I want a love potion to get revenge on my queen.

Puck: Ok. (Exeunt)

(Enter Demetrius and Helena)

Helena: I want you.

Demetrius: I don't want you.  Go away.

Helena: It's all your fault anyway.

Demetrius: No! (Exeunt)

Helena: You can't stop me from stalking you! (Exeunt)

(Enter Puck)

Puck: Here's the flower.

Oberon: Go control some people's emotions while I go be evil to Titania.

(Exeunt)

Act 2, Scene 2

Titania and Fairies: Lalalalalalalalalaaa.

(Enter Oberon)

Oberon: I'm not a very nice husband. (Exeunt)

(Enter Lysander and Hermia)

Lysander: I'm almost as horny as Theseus.

Hermia: Wait a few days.

Lysander: *sigh* Okay, fine.

(Enter Puck)

Puck: Yay!  People whose lives I can mess with! (Exeunt)

(Enter Helena and Demetrius)

Helena: I'm suddenly going to stop stalking you.

(Exeunt Demetrius)

Lysander: I want you, Helena.

Helena: What the hell?  Asshole! (Exeunt)

Lysander: I hate you, Hermia! (Exeunt)