Theseus: I'm horny.
Hippolyta: Calm down.
Theseus: Go, Philostrate!
Philostrate: Don't tell me what to do, biotch! *leaves anyway*
Egeus: I'm a cruel and heartless father.
Theseus: Hermia, your father is cruel and heartless; do what he tells you.
Hermia: No.
Lysander: Demetrius is evil!
Theseus: You know, I thought I noticed that…
Demetrius: Dammit!
(Exeunt all but Hermia and Lysander)
Hermia: *sob*
Lysander: Don't cry; lovers can never be together.
Hermia: For some reason, this makes me happy.
Lysander: Let's run away.
Hermia: I will now have a ten-line speech to say OK.
(Enter Helena)
Helena: Why can't you make Demetrius love me?
Hermia: It's not my fault. We're running away. Bye! (Exeunt)
Lysander: Bye! (Exeunt)
Helena: Demetrius is an asshole! Therefore, I must go betray my best friend so I can stalk my love. (Exeunt)
Act 1, Scene 2Quince: Check out my oxymoron-filled play!
Bottom: I love that play! So what's it about?
Quince: You get to be a lover.
Bottom: Yay! I'm good at that! Although I prefer improvised melodramatic tyrant speeches. I want to play all the characters!
Quince: No.
Flute: You know, I really wouldn't mind if you let him play the girl's part…
Quince: No.
Snug: I'm dense.
Quince: Good for you.
Bottom: I enjoy talking in confusing sentences and oxymorons.
Quince: Let's meet in the conveniently placed wood that is quickly becoming the busiest place in Greece.
Act 2, Scene 1Fairy: *flips hair a lot* I'm special!
Puck: Oberon and Titania are fighting! For some reason I find it all quite hilarious.
Fairy: Are you Puck?
Puck: No shit!
(Enter Oberon and Titania)
Oberon: Drill bet by doomflight, brown bibania.
Director: Bottom, get offstage, I already told you that you can't play Oberon!
Real Oberon: You suck, Titania.
Titania: You cheated on me.
Oberon: So did you.
Titania: No I didn't! All the evils of the world are your fault!
Oberon: No, it's all your fault!
Titania: Screw you!
(Exeunt Titania)
Oberon: Excuse me while I make several flowery speeches to say that I want a love potion to get revenge on my queen.
Puck: Ok. (Exeunt)
(Enter Demetrius and Helena)
Helena: I want you.
Demetrius: I don't want you. Go away.
Helena: It's all your fault anyway.
Demetrius: No! (Exeunt)
Helena: You can't stop me from stalking you! (Exeunt)
(Enter Puck)
Puck: Here's the flower.
Oberon: Go control some people's emotions while I go be evil to Titania.
(Exeunt)
Act 2, Scene 2Titania and Fairies: Lalalalalalalalalaaa.
(Enter Oberon)
Oberon: I'm not a very nice husband. (Exeunt)
(Enter Lysander and Hermia)
Lysander: I'm almost as horny as Theseus.
Hermia: Wait a few days.
Lysander: *sigh* Okay, fine.
(Enter Puck)
Puck: Yay! People whose lives I can mess with! (Exeunt)
(Enter Helena and Demetrius)
Helena: I'm suddenly going to stop stalking you.
(Exeunt Demetrius)
Lysander: I want you, Helena.
Helena: What the hell? Asshole! (Exeunt)
Lysander: I hate you, Hermia! (Exeunt)
