Disclaimers: I own nothing. Joss owns it all.
Spoilers: Anything up to Killer in Me, and posted spoilers for upcoming episodes.
Redefining Love
Chap. 2
"Spike, don't look so worried. I'm not going to ask you to move out. There are some things that I need to say, though. And I really needed some privacy to say them." Buffy felt butterflies in her stomach as she thought about what she wanted to say.
She looked at Spike's expressive face and the obvious love shining in his eyes, and the butterflies settled a little. She smiled, "Spike, I want you to know how much I missed you. Last summer, when you were gone, and again a few weeks ago when the First took you. And you should know how scared I was that I would have to stake you before we found out about the trigger. I realized how much I want you around."
"Last year, before that stupid singing demon, we were friends. You were the one person I could talk to, be myself with. Just like I told you the night you took me to that bar where you played kitten poker. You were to only person I could stand to be around. I've missed that. I missed my friend."
"I want that back. I think we're getting there. I can talk to you. You can talk to me. We trust each other. I want you to be a part of my life."
She looked tenderly at Spike. "I want us to be friends, but I want more than that. I don't want what we had before. That twisted, abusive, degrading THING we had was wrong. I don't want that again."
She took a deep breath as she prepared to forge ahead with her speech. "A few weeks ago, you told me that you had redefined the words 'pain' and 'suffering' since you fell in love with me. Well, I've redefined the word 'love' since I got involved with you. See, for me, love has always meant drama, pain, betrayal, and abandonment.
"Of course, look at my life. My parents fought for years, constant drama, before my dad actually got caught cheating on my mom. Then he left her.
"Then I fell in love with Angel. You saw us. We were the poster children for angst and drama. Then he turned into Angelus, because of me. Then I had to send him to Hell. Talk about betrayal. We both betrayed each other. Then even after he came back, we still had the non-stop drama and then he left me.
" Then Parker. Granted, the jerk should have had a revolving door on his room, but it still hurt, and I still felt betrayed by the fact that I was just another girl, nothing special. Then he walked away.
"Riley was not exactly Mr. Drama, but he tried. I mean just because we weren't always miserable, because I wasn't crying my eyes out over our relationship, he decided that I didn't love him, so he decided to create some drama and cause me pain.
"I mean, what did he think I would do? He was letting those tramps feed off of him and then he tried to blame me for his problems. He told me he just wanted to understand why I let Angel and Dracula bite me. He just didn't get it. So, he left me, too.
"The people around me have the same problem. Xander and Willow cheated on Oz and Cordelia and Xander lost Cordelia. Then he left Anya at the altar.
"Willow and Oz got over the Xander indiscretion, but then Oz cheated with Veruca. Then he left.
"Willow fell in love with Tara, but betrayed her by using magic to manipulate her, so Tara left. Then just as they got back together Tara died.
"Even my mom and Giles left me. I know that my mom didn't have a choice, but I still felt abandoned.
"Are you seeing a pattern here?" Spike smiled sadly and nodded.
"But that isn't what love is to you is it? For you, love is about doing, and being, whatever the woman you love needs. Its about being there for her, giving her everything she wants, even if what she wants is to dump her pain on you. Isn't it?"
She waited for his response. He looked at her with tears in his eyes and nodded. At his nod, Buffy continued.
"Neither one of us has the healthiest definition of love, but I think I've been able to change my definition since we got involved. See we've had our share of angst and drama, but that was mostly due to timing.
"I mean if I hadn't died when I did, we might have made a gradual progression to where we are now. Maybe not. Last spring had a profound affect on where we are now. But still, we were becoming friends. I trusted you with my family, my friends, and my life. But my death changed all of that. After I came back, we kind of picked up where we left off, and things were going well. I have no doubt that we would have become lovers eventually, and in a much healthier way.
"But, again with the timing. Xander summoned that demon and I found out that you didn't really want to be my friend, you wanted to be my lover, and I got spooked and retreated to the safety and familiarity of Kick the Spike. I'm sorry about that."
She began to cry softly. "I'm sorry for all of the times I said I hated you, called you a monster, called you evil. Because I haven't hated you for a very long time and you haven't been evil, or a monster..."
Spike interrupted her, "Luv, if you say that I haven't been a monster in a long time, I will walk out of here right now. Even if we discount the murders I committed while I was still the First's bitch, there is still that matter of the monstrous behavior in your bathroom last spring."
Buffy looked at Spike and sighed deeply. "You're right. That was monstrous. Then again, I beat you almost as badly as Glory, or the First, and left you alone in that alley when you could barely move. The sun could have fried you or some nasty that hates you for helping me could have come along and decided to wreak a little vengeance. And I HAVE a soul, but I never even apologized.
"You are a demon, you didn't have a soul, and I had driven you to distraction with all of my game playing. Not that I deserved to be attacked for that, but after everything I did to you, I think you showed tremendous restraint.
"The humans in this house do not have as much restraint as you used last year. Xander tried to kill you, not because you had hurt anyone, but because you slept with the woman he had left at the altar.
" Anya became a vengeance demon again.
"Willow went evil, killed two people, tried to kill the rest of us, and tried to end the world. I used and abused you, then tried to kill my sister and friends.
"Dawn stole from friends and strangers.
"Giles left me here with a teenager, a mortgage, and no source of income, not to mention my calling as the Slayer, but no Watcher to guide me and expected me to sink or swim.
"We did this even with our souls, because we were in pain.
"You made a terrible choice, but you weren't the only one making horrible choices last year. I forgive you for what happened, in the bathroom and with Anya. Just like I forgave Willow, Dawn, Anya, Xander, and Giles for the poor choices they made last year. Just like they forgave me. I just hope that you can forgive me for..."
Spike interrupted her again. "Nothing to forgive, pet. Nothing you did to me last year that I didn't deserve. Even if I was in love with you, I was still the same monster that had tried to kill you several times, the same monster that killed untold thousands over the last century or so. And I'm not so sure you should be so free with your forgiveness of me..."
This time Buffy interrupted. "Huh-uh, Spike. You don't get to decide whether or not I forgive you. That is my choice"
She placed her hand on his cheek. "I forgive you. I need to forgive you, for me, and for you. If we are ever going to have a relationship, we need to be able to forgive each other. You know, the First Slayer told me that before we fought Glory. 'Love, give, forgive.' I forgive you. I give you my trust and my friendship freely. And I love you, Spike. I've finally decided to redefine love.
"I've realized it isn't about pain, betrayal and abandonment. With you, love is about trust, friendship, and support. You are there for me; I want to be there for you. We've hurt each other, we've betrayed each other, and we've walked out on each other, but we came back, we forgave each other, and we've formed a stronger bond. I believe in you, and I believe in us. I want us to be friends, partners, and lovers."
She leaned forward and kissed him. "Does that sound like something you can do?" Spike responded by capturing her lips with his own.
Spoilers: Anything up to Killer in Me, and posted spoilers for upcoming episodes.
Redefining Love
Chap. 2
"Spike, don't look so worried. I'm not going to ask you to move out. There are some things that I need to say, though. And I really needed some privacy to say them." Buffy felt butterflies in her stomach as she thought about what she wanted to say.
She looked at Spike's expressive face and the obvious love shining in his eyes, and the butterflies settled a little. She smiled, "Spike, I want you to know how much I missed you. Last summer, when you were gone, and again a few weeks ago when the First took you. And you should know how scared I was that I would have to stake you before we found out about the trigger. I realized how much I want you around."
"Last year, before that stupid singing demon, we were friends. You were the one person I could talk to, be myself with. Just like I told you the night you took me to that bar where you played kitten poker. You were to only person I could stand to be around. I've missed that. I missed my friend."
"I want that back. I think we're getting there. I can talk to you. You can talk to me. We trust each other. I want you to be a part of my life."
She looked tenderly at Spike. "I want us to be friends, but I want more than that. I don't want what we had before. That twisted, abusive, degrading THING we had was wrong. I don't want that again."
She took a deep breath as she prepared to forge ahead with her speech. "A few weeks ago, you told me that you had redefined the words 'pain' and 'suffering' since you fell in love with me. Well, I've redefined the word 'love' since I got involved with you. See, for me, love has always meant drama, pain, betrayal, and abandonment.
"Of course, look at my life. My parents fought for years, constant drama, before my dad actually got caught cheating on my mom. Then he left her.
"Then I fell in love with Angel. You saw us. We were the poster children for angst and drama. Then he turned into Angelus, because of me. Then I had to send him to Hell. Talk about betrayal. We both betrayed each other. Then even after he came back, we still had the non-stop drama and then he left me.
" Then Parker. Granted, the jerk should have had a revolving door on his room, but it still hurt, and I still felt betrayed by the fact that I was just another girl, nothing special. Then he walked away.
"Riley was not exactly Mr. Drama, but he tried. I mean just because we weren't always miserable, because I wasn't crying my eyes out over our relationship, he decided that I didn't love him, so he decided to create some drama and cause me pain.
"I mean, what did he think I would do? He was letting those tramps feed off of him and then he tried to blame me for his problems. He told me he just wanted to understand why I let Angel and Dracula bite me. He just didn't get it. So, he left me, too.
"The people around me have the same problem. Xander and Willow cheated on Oz and Cordelia and Xander lost Cordelia. Then he left Anya at the altar.
"Willow and Oz got over the Xander indiscretion, but then Oz cheated with Veruca. Then he left.
"Willow fell in love with Tara, but betrayed her by using magic to manipulate her, so Tara left. Then just as they got back together Tara died.
"Even my mom and Giles left me. I know that my mom didn't have a choice, but I still felt abandoned.
"Are you seeing a pattern here?" Spike smiled sadly and nodded.
"But that isn't what love is to you is it? For you, love is about doing, and being, whatever the woman you love needs. Its about being there for her, giving her everything she wants, even if what she wants is to dump her pain on you. Isn't it?"
She waited for his response. He looked at her with tears in his eyes and nodded. At his nod, Buffy continued.
"Neither one of us has the healthiest definition of love, but I think I've been able to change my definition since we got involved. See we've had our share of angst and drama, but that was mostly due to timing.
"I mean if I hadn't died when I did, we might have made a gradual progression to where we are now. Maybe not. Last spring had a profound affect on where we are now. But still, we were becoming friends. I trusted you with my family, my friends, and my life. But my death changed all of that. After I came back, we kind of picked up where we left off, and things were going well. I have no doubt that we would have become lovers eventually, and in a much healthier way.
"But, again with the timing. Xander summoned that demon and I found out that you didn't really want to be my friend, you wanted to be my lover, and I got spooked and retreated to the safety and familiarity of Kick the Spike. I'm sorry about that."
She began to cry softly. "I'm sorry for all of the times I said I hated you, called you a monster, called you evil. Because I haven't hated you for a very long time and you haven't been evil, or a monster..."
Spike interrupted her, "Luv, if you say that I haven't been a monster in a long time, I will walk out of here right now. Even if we discount the murders I committed while I was still the First's bitch, there is still that matter of the monstrous behavior in your bathroom last spring."
Buffy looked at Spike and sighed deeply. "You're right. That was monstrous. Then again, I beat you almost as badly as Glory, or the First, and left you alone in that alley when you could barely move. The sun could have fried you or some nasty that hates you for helping me could have come along and decided to wreak a little vengeance. And I HAVE a soul, but I never even apologized.
"You are a demon, you didn't have a soul, and I had driven you to distraction with all of my game playing. Not that I deserved to be attacked for that, but after everything I did to you, I think you showed tremendous restraint.
"The humans in this house do not have as much restraint as you used last year. Xander tried to kill you, not because you had hurt anyone, but because you slept with the woman he had left at the altar.
" Anya became a vengeance demon again.
"Willow went evil, killed two people, tried to kill the rest of us, and tried to end the world. I used and abused you, then tried to kill my sister and friends.
"Dawn stole from friends and strangers.
"Giles left me here with a teenager, a mortgage, and no source of income, not to mention my calling as the Slayer, but no Watcher to guide me and expected me to sink or swim.
"We did this even with our souls, because we were in pain.
"You made a terrible choice, but you weren't the only one making horrible choices last year. I forgive you for what happened, in the bathroom and with Anya. Just like I forgave Willow, Dawn, Anya, Xander, and Giles for the poor choices they made last year. Just like they forgave me. I just hope that you can forgive me for..."
Spike interrupted her again. "Nothing to forgive, pet. Nothing you did to me last year that I didn't deserve. Even if I was in love with you, I was still the same monster that had tried to kill you several times, the same monster that killed untold thousands over the last century or so. And I'm not so sure you should be so free with your forgiveness of me..."
This time Buffy interrupted. "Huh-uh, Spike. You don't get to decide whether or not I forgive you. That is my choice"
She placed her hand on his cheek. "I forgive you. I need to forgive you, for me, and for you. If we are ever going to have a relationship, we need to be able to forgive each other. You know, the First Slayer told me that before we fought Glory. 'Love, give, forgive.' I forgive you. I give you my trust and my friendship freely. And I love you, Spike. I've finally decided to redefine love.
"I've realized it isn't about pain, betrayal and abandonment. With you, love is about trust, friendship, and support. You are there for me; I want to be there for you. We've hurt each other, we've betrayed each other, and we've walked out on each other, but we came back, we forgave each other, and we've formed a stronger bond. I believe in you, and I believe in us. I want us to be friends, partners, and lovers."
She leaned forward and kissed him. "Does that sound like something you can do?" Spike responded by capturing her lips with his own.
