The Disease that Killed Love

Chapter 4-Syaoran

This will be the last chapter I will write.

It isn't because I don't want to write anymore. I know I won't be able to write after this. It's hard, being blind, being mute, unable to say anything. I can't say I'm sorry, or that I love them, or that I wanted to say goodbye.

The end is near. I can feel it. I felt it in my bones. I felt my mind crumbling.

It isn't because I lost hope. I have a lot of hope. I'll cling on to whatever I have. But I know. And that changes things.

I've made up my mind.

Long long ago, I made Otou-san make a promise. A promise that when I am suffering beyond repair, he will end that suffering.

I will make him change that.

The reason is because I've grown use to suffering. Through this suffering, I experienced something even more beautiful, more powerful than despair. I experienced love.

I remembered how my friends had been there for me. Every step of the way, ever since they realized I was ill. Ever since we went back to Hong Kong that day three years ago. We stepped through the mansion and we greeted my sisters and my mother. I still remember that day very clearly. And how my mother revealed to all of us that Yue was my father, and I revealed how sick I was when I refused to believe it and ran away.

That time Otou-san refused to accept me as his son. I can't say I blamed him. I refused to accept him as my father. It's only fair that way. But then things started to change.

Remember when I said that I made my imaginary father invent stories for me? Stories that I invented myself? The boy with the deer?

I don't need an imaginary father anymore. I have a real one. One that loves me more than anything. One that will do anything for me. One that was devoted to me. One that will sacrifice his life for me.

That was why I gave that jade to Sakura on her birthday. That jade was simple. It wasn't expensive when I got it. But because I've had it for eight years, gradually it increased in its worth.

Not everything is based on money.

Now I'm blind. Now I'm mute. It was a necessary change, as Spinel had said. Like how feudalism must come right after slavery and capitalism right after feudalism. It was a necessary procedure. But even so, I want my sight back. I want my voice back. Who wouldn't? Can money buy you that? Can money buy you your life?

Ironic. I was the richest boy in the world. I was also the most unlucky. Yet now, now that I think of it, I'm no longer rich, and yet I'm the luckiest kid.

My name is Li Jingxi.

I am twelve years old. I am born on July 13th, into a noble and aristocratic clan. I am a descendant of Clow Reed and a son of a guardian immortal. I am a half mortal. I am the lover of the Card Mistress and the friend of wizards and witches. I have a dragon to protect me and I had the dead spirits guide me. Once. My friends call me Syaoran, which means ' little wolf' in Chinese. I bear a deadly disease, one that will take my life away, slowly, painfully.

Why not end it now?

Because I'm the luckiest boy in the world. Who else would have such a devoted father as Yue? Who else would have earned the heart of someone so valuable as Sakura? Who else would have such a cousin as Xuyan? And such loyal friends, Kero, Touya, Spinel, Eriol, Nakuru, Kaho, and the wizards and witches? Those that will fight to the end for my life alone?

My life is not valuable. Yet they treat it as if it is. Who else could have such people around them?

That was what I told Sergei. In my silent way, without any sound, I mouthed out every word and told him what I felt. I felt pain. I felt hope. I felt love. Yet I do not feel the one thing that should be there.

I do not feel fear.

" Why?" he had asked me. " Why don't you fear?"
" I know what pain is like and I realized I can bear it." I answered, in my silent way. " I can bear all the pain in the world."



I am perfectly confident that I could. And believe me, I will. Which is why now I'm writing this. I am telling Otou-san. I am telling him not to kill me, to let me die in my own time. Of course, I will die, sooner or later. Slowly, painfully, and perhaps all alone. But I will cling to this world where I am rich. Where I am the luckiest kid in the world. There was so much I have gathered here, despite all the sacrifices I've made. I'll cling on to my father. My cousin. My love. My friends. I will cling on to the hope that they all shared and I will cling on to that love. That friendship. I will not give up. Because I know they will never give up on me.



This is the last time I write, and now I rest my pen in peace. I have said all I wanted to say. I am at peace. I am content. I do not fear. There is pain, there is sorrow. But still I am content. For such things make up life. And I'm glad to experience it.