Chapter 5-Sakura
One night I had a terrible dream.
I was up in the morning. The house was quiet, and I got out of bed and got dressed. Combing my hair, like I do everyday, I went downstairs for breakfast.
" Ohayo.", my brother said. I smiled at him.
" Ohayo." I said.
" Did you sleep well?" He asked.
" Hai." I looked at the clock. " So, are we going to go over to Syaoran's place
again?"
" Syao-" Oni-chan stared at me as if I was joking, but not humorously. " Sakura,"
He sighed. " You can't hide like this."
" What do you mean?" I was confused.
" Sakura, don't do this to yourself. It's not going to work." Oni-chan sighed again. "
Sooner or later you'll realize that you can't run forever, and trust me, it's going to
be far more painful than you think."
I was puzzled. What did Touya mean by that? Shrugging, I finished my breakfast and went out.
" I'm going over to Tomoyo's!" I called, and I went down the road towards her mansion.
Once I got there, I rang the doorbell and Tomoyo answered.
" Ohayo, Sakura-chan." She smiled.
" Ohayo." I smiled. I went in.
" Look, I have this gorgeous dress prepared for the prom." Tomoyo showed it to
me. I do not remember what it looked like, but I remember being fascinated by it.
" Oh, Tomoyo-chan! It's beautiful!" I cried. " Do you think Syaoran-kun would like
it?"
Tomoyo looked at me for a moment and sighed. She sighed pretty much the
same way Touya did.
" Sakura," She began, then looked down.
" What's wrong?" I asked.
" Sakura, why do you always lie to yourself like this?" Tomoyo asked.
" Lie about what?" I asked.
" You're only going to hurt yourself." She continued. " You're only going to make
it more unbearable."
" Make what more unbearable?" I asked. I was thoroughly perplexed now. "
Tomoyo, what's wrong, seriously?"
Tomoyo just shook her head. She didn't feel like talking.
Shrugging, something I normally wouldn't do in a time like this, but this was a dream, at any rate. I decided to let it slide. Putting on the dress, I spun around for her. Tomoyo clapped her hands together in delight, but it was a kind of delight that seemed to be repressed. She was not completely happy and I wondered why.
Later, I went over to Eriol's house. Tomoyo greeted him kindly, but Eriol
looked tired.
" Eriol-kun, what's wrong?" I asked. Eriol was normally calm and collected. Today
he looked like he had been beaten up.
" Konnichiwa, Sakura-san." It was the afternoon. Eriol forced a smile and let us go
in. Inside sat Xuyan and Yue. Yue looked cold and forlorn. Xuyan was quiet.
" Hey Xuyan, Eriol, are you going to the prom tomorrow night?" I asked
cheerfully.
" I might go." Xuyan forced a smile.
" Me too." Eriol answered.
" Is something wrong?" I asked.
" Sakura, you can't keep on acting like nothing happened." Xuyan began.
" What do you mean? What happened?" I asked, tired and annoyed that everyone
was speaking in riddles. " Will someone explain to me why you're all so upset
today?"
" Sakura, just accept it." Nakuru said gravely. " Just accept that Syaoran's dead.
You can't keep ignoring it. He's gone and he'll never be back."
I woke up in cold sweat. It was morning.
Downstairs, Oni-chan was making breakfast. I hurried up and got dressed.
Then I went downstairs.
" Ohayo," He called, smiling.
" Oni-chan, Syaoran-kun is still alive, right?" I asked.
" Of course he's still alive. Why?" Oni-chan blinked.
" Oh, nothing." I shivered. I still remember every detail. Eating breakfast, I decided
to do something different then what happened in my dream. I decided to go to
Yukito's house first.
Sure enough, Syaoran was there, as well as everyone else. I immediately ran to him and threw my arms around his neck. He must have been confused because he backed one step, but then he wrapped his arms around me.
" Syaoran-kun, promise me that you'll never leave me." I begged, looking into those white and blind eyes. " Promise me that you'll always be there for me."
Syaoran was silent, as he should be, but he did not give any other response.
" Syaoran, onegai, just promise me that you won't die. That you won't leave me alone. You have no idea how much you mean to us...if you're gone...I don't know what I'll do! I don't know what we'll do!"
Syaoran sighed and turned away from me. I started crying.
" Sakura, Sakura-san," Nakuru began, " Sakura, calm down-"
" Syaoran-kun!" I called. He didn't respond. I ran to him, then turned him around
and started shaking him.
" Syaoran-kun, onegai! Promise me that you'll stay alive! Onegai! I can't live without you. Things wouldn't be the same, and, and, and, we've been struggling with this stupid thing for three years now, and you've survived for thirteen years. Onegai, Syaroan, please listen to me. Syaoran, why won't you listen to me?"
" Sakura," Said Tomoyo, but I wasn't going to listen to her.
" Syaoran, Syaoran, I had a glimpse of what life would be without you. It's so empty. We were all so lost. You were the one that connected us together!"
Syaoran looked at me. It was as if he could actually see me. His blind eyes stared straight into my own and I found myself unable to look at them or tear them away. For a long time we stood there. The clock ticked, tick tock, tick tock, over and over again, the only thing breaking the silence. All of our friends were silent too. I stared at Syaoran, waiting for his answer, any kind of answer to my pleadings. I remembered that day fully, how everyone tried to be happy but couldn't, the forced smiles, the sad sighs. I remembered how Oni-chan stopped smiling instantly when I asked if we were coming here. I remembered how different Eriol looked when Tomoyo and I went over to his house. But most of all I remembered Yue. He was like an ice sculpture, pale and unmoving, his blank eyes staring straight ahead. And I remembered Nakuru's sad voice telling me, " Sakura, just accept it. Just accept that Syaoran's dead."
Syaoran slowly pushed my hands gently from his shoulders. He opened his
mouth, as if trying to speak, then shut it. He looked at my hands as if he knew
where they were and he covered them with his own and squeezed it affectionately.
" Syaoran, Syaoran, don't you understand? Onegai, just say that you promise. Just say that you promise." I pleaded. I was frightened. Why wasn't Syaoran answering?
Syaoran looked into my eyes and sighed. He slowly stepped back and let go of my hands. He gestured to his ear, then shook his head.
Silence.
I did not understand. Or perhaps it was because I didn't want to. For a long time I stood there, dumfounded, not comprehending. What did he mean? Why isn't he answering?
Finally, it dawned on me, so brutally I couldn't even cry. I stood there like the ice statue that I saw that represented Yue. All around us our friends were silent, they too, drowning in grief. I was so dejected I couldn't even approach Syaoran again.
Syaoran. My love. The light of my childhood, the light of my heart. He stood there, also dejected, not returning my stare. I felt tears build up in my eyes as I began to understand why he did not answer. Why he was holding my hands the way he did, and why he could not make that promise I so dearly required of him.
My Syaoran was deaf. My Jingxi. He will never hear the birds singing in the morning. He will never hear the cars screech and the crickets peeping in the night. He will never hear Lele bark or the footsteps on the stairs. He will never play the cello, will never hear the CD's.
" You knew this all along!" I shouted. " You knew this all along! That was why you listened to those cursed CD's! That's why you kept on playing that stupid cello! You KNEW that you were going to lose your hearing! You KNEW that you will be deaf! You bastard! You sick, damned bastard!"
But as soon as I said those words I wanted to take them back and I immediately thanked the heavens that Syaoran could not hear me say them. I fell crying. I wrapped my arms around Syaoran, sobbing all my sorrow out, seeing my love like this, blind, deaf, and mute. He will never see me in my prom dress. He will never hear me speak to him. And he will never answer.
Syaoran slid his arms around me, trying to comfort me. But it was cold comfort. It was so cold I almost wished he didn't try. However I was glad I didn't run away from him. I was glad I didn't leave him alone. He's so alone now, his only sense left of use was his touch, and the only way he could connect to the world is by touch now. Still, I sobbed, I sobbed and wept until I could weep no more.
You knew this all along...
