Chapter 14-Yue
A month passed. On July fifth we began thinking about Syaoran's thirteenth birthday. It was hard to think about it especially in his state. How will he blow out the candles? How will he open the presents and know what they are without me around?
Nevertheless, the others still bought or made presents for him. All except for Sakura, who, in her bitterness, could not bring herself to buy anything for Syaoran.
I never said anything about it. The truth was, only Sakura knew more than the others. Syaoran had no need for material possessions anymore. He needed what we cannot give. A voice, ears, eyes, and the ability to move his body. Not stupid things like watches or clothes or books.
Jingxi's voice faded away from my mind and usually it was I who talked to him and he listened. He pressed on with life, unafraid, and I did not tell him that this last straw had taken all the support from his friends.
Still, just as well. He did not want them. He wanted no one except his Daddy. His love died with Sakura's hopes. He looked at her with blind and white eyes. He didn't care about Eriol, or Kero, or Touya or Nakuru, or Spinel or Tomoyo.
He wanted his mommy. I remember him calling softly for her. He called her again and again with silent lips, so weak he was, so frail. I closed my hands over his and he relaxed against me.
On the day of his birth we stayed together in bed for the entire day. Jingxi never fell asleep but I wasn't sure if he was awake either.
We listened to the summer birds that chattered outside the window. It was eight in the morning and everything was carefree. I whispered a happy birthday to him and I saw him faintly smile, but he was too paralyzed to smile much anymore.
I think we both knew what will happen that night. That was why I stayed with him for the whole day. We didn't eat, didn't drink, but we talked, or I talked. I talked to him about the foolish actions he did three years ago and scolded him for not telling us sooner. I remarked on how his skin use to be darker and if Syaoran could laugh he would have then.
I talked about that fateful trip to Hong Kong that none of us knew the purpose to. It was definetely Fate. And at the memory I wrapped my arms around my son even tighter. That trip gave me a son. That trip gave Jingxi a father. And I remembered the time when I saw the cello cases, and when Syaoran woke up we all asked him to play. That time he had eyes. That time he had ears. That time he had a voice. That time he could run arouns and practice his sword waving and sit down and tease Xuyan about how his bow stinks.
Remember that time when you were invited to join the orchestra? I asked him. Syaoran didn't answer, but if he could he would be nodding. That time you were freaking out and saying that you can't play the cello anymore. It was so funny, you were beside an old man and the the two of you were like that Macintosh commercial with Yao Ming and the other guy. And then that was when your mother and sisters died after you got drunk, remember? You nearly died that night. Whoever made you drink that wine...but then, it was hardly worse than drinking that bitter medicine everyday, right? You use to drink that every day. Remember? You hated it, and when you came home with me, I had to take seeds and sow them in our back yard.
A squirrel munched on a nut it just found. Another squirrel scampered up the trunk and suddenly there were small noises being made. The first squirrel took the nut in its mouth and went higher into the tree, while the second one raced to chase it. They highed along the treetops, leaves fluttering down as they broke off the branches.
Two years,
The soul steps out,
And all that lived died at once.
Three years.
The eyes open,
And all that was hidden laid bare to see.
Four years,
The ears grow strong,
And all that's silent became known.
Five years,
The hand moves quick,
And all the weapons became covered with blood.
Six years,
Silent and still,
And all the close ones depart.
Seven years,
One comes near,
The little one then learns to care.
Eight years,
The test of strength,
As one fails to do what's done.
Nine years,
The heart grows cold,
Accepting all that ever was.
Ten years.
The soul departs,
To different place one learns to love.
Eleven years,
The wish comes true,
And all that's hidden came to light.
Twelve years,
Thirteen and more,
Little is known of what fate has in mind.
No doubt Nakuru had told you of this saying. At two years Syaoran showed
his magic for the first time as well as the symptoms. At three he was molested. At
four he learned the cello. At five he began martial arts training. At six, all his friends
were either killed or they disappeared. At seven, Syaoran met Meiling. At eight,
Meiling failed him by not helping him from the waters he had fallen into and nearly
drowned. At nine he learned to look cold and impassive.
At ten he first came to Japan and laid eyes on Sakura for the first time. At eleven, he found his father. At twelve-
At twelve he lost his hearing, his sight, his voice, his ability to move. All at once.
Briefly I remembered two years ago when Eriol had asked if Syaoran had any symptoms like seeing things, headaches, nausea, stomachaches, bleeding at the mouth.
He didn't have that disease. The disease that causes the victim to decompose in life. But he had a slow one, a slow torturous sickness.
My child...
We use to play poker. Remember? We were discussing about Cenon, Galadran, and all the other shamans that might be able to help you. Remember Junxiu, Guofeng, and Zishi? We called to them for help, remember? And that white van. Sakura died in a car accident. And we were stupid enough to think that she was so precious and you were not.
As I talked to him I felt tears forming in my eyes. I didn't want him to leave me. I didn't want Syaoran to die. Not after everything. Not after I nearly lost him once, for five days, until, thanks to Xuyan, Syaoran was driven out of his hiding place and I found him.
Remember when school started, and you were a goalie in the soccer team? You totally humiliated one of the players...I forgot his name, in Kyoto. Remember? And then there were the caves, the carvings on the cave walls. I still remember how we thought that your fate was left for the open. My tears began to fall and they dropped on to Syaoran's eyes. Syaoran blinked, but didn't wipe them away. He didn't have any ability to.
And that time with the monks. Lele. I thought bitterly.
I felt a sudden warmth in my mind and recognized it to be Jingxi.
Is it time already? I asked quietly.
I felt sorrow seeping through and closed my eyes in acceptance.
Farewell, my son. I love you.
Farewell, Daddy. I love you too. Always...
Outside it was nighttime. The wind blew, whistling through the branches of
the trees outside. Crickets called to each other in their strange voices. It was dark
and rather cool. The sky glittered with stars and sometimes a shadow would pass
by, blocking some of their twinkling light, but always they will shine anew. None
can deny the light of the stars. There was a full moon.
Cars brushed past, their lights interrupting the darkness of the night, their engines interrupting the silence. Time and again, someone would walk by. Sometimes old women. Sometimes children, all laughing happily. It was getting darker. It was nine.
I lied there with my child in my arms. Curse the gods, who made the day of his birth the day of his death as well. I continued talking to him. But this time I did not talk to him about the past, and I did not talk to him with my mind. I spoke my thoughts. I talked about what might have been, if he survived a little longer, a few years, maybe.
" We would give you a great birthday party." I promised him. But those were empty promises. " You'll get tons of gifts. Maybe Yo Yo Ma would come and attend, after all, you're Li Jingxi! And perhaps if you were stronger you could take Sakura out for a date, and go to college with her, and maybe you might be a doctor because you were already a patient." I chuckled bitterly. " Sakura could be an author and publish what we're writing. Let the world scoff for all we care. And maybe if you ever want to go flying we can still go through that window. Do you want to go flying Syaoran? But no, you're tired. You want to sleep. Sleep then. I'll be right here. Even if the world ends, I'll be right here, right by your side, when you wake up, if you ever wake up..."
