Sometimes, I have to wonder if he realizes how much he truly hurts me every time he walks away from me without giving me even the smallest of answers. I don't need a long, drawn out explanation, though that would be nice. I just want to know why? Why does he act as if he cannot place his trust in me? Why can't he tell me what is on his mind? God knows I tell him my thoughts often enough.

Watching him walk out of the dojo and close the door behind him without even looking back at me, I feel like something dies. All it would take is a small smile, or even the slightest, briefest meeting of eyes for me to know that he doesn't hate me. Is that what is wrong? Does he dislike me so much he can not even look at me?

But that can't be true. I was the only one he came back to say good-bye to. That means something, right? Like Megumi said, he didn't feel the need to say good-bye to anyone but me. Or maybe that's not even the point. Maybe the whole point was that he had promised he would be there. He had to go, he had bound himself. He is a man of his words, we all know that.

That man confuses me more than anyone else I have ever known. Perhaps because no matter how much I try to understand, to understand him and his past and what he wants, there's always so much more. For every memory he tells me of, there are hundreds more that he has that haunt him. I wish I knew.

Is that the reason he stays away? He doesn't want me to know? Is he worried with the same insecurities that I have, worried that if he told me of his past I would think less of him? Perhaps that's it. Is there more to his past that he's told us, than he's told me? He could have thirty kids and seven wives somewhere... but that's not my Kenshin. Perhaps there's more, just not that way. Just more details, more gory details. Is he worried that my 'delicate nature' couldn't take the details of his oh-so violent past?

Shaking myself out of my stupor, the sudden realization hits that it's late, and I need to go to sleep. Yet another ploy Megumi and I set up tonight failed. Miserably. Making my way out of the dojo, I can't help but glance up at the stars, the clear, moonless night revealing more than I feel like I've ever seen before. Without the distraction of the moon, even the tiniest of the stars is noticeable, unlike normal.

And then epiphany hits. Kenshin tells of his more well known experiences, but are we so blind to the smaller details, the smaller happenings in his life because of some part of Kenshin that overshines everything else? What if he really were telling us all we needed to know, but we haven't been listening? I haven't been listening?

My anger with myself tasting bitter in my throat, I know that I have to figure out what it is about Kenshin that causes us to overlook the small things. The man is a distraction in and of himself, figuring out what Kenshin's moon is will be difficult.

The only thing I can do for tonight is sleep on it. I'm too tired to figure anything else out tonight.

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*NEXT MORNING*
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My grumbling stomach wakes me from the dreamless sleep of the morning, and, unfortunately, it's right. It's time to get up. A sniff in the air reveals why it's grumbling; Kenshin's making breakfast. My stomach seems to have a homing device, and it's quite loud when it wants to be.

Shaking my head at it, I rush through my morning routine, half-hazardly throwing on a kimono, and I run out to our dining area, where Yahiko sits asleep, and strangely, Sano's here at this early hour. Note to self: Ask Sano if he ever sleeps. "Morning Sano-san." At his growl, I add to my previous note. Just not now, he's grumpy.

"Morning, Yahiko-kun." I give him a chance, but, as I figured, he's fast asleep, drooling on my table. "If Yahiko-chan doesn't wake up, he doesn't get breakfast." Instantly, as though I had dumped water on him, his head snapped up, his eyes glaring at me.

"At least I look decent in the morning, busu." Sighing, I just ignore it for the day. Call it the eighth world wonder. Kaoru doesn't go psycho on Yahiko. Amazing. A snowball's chance in hell just got better.

"Good morning, Kaoru-dono." Kenshin walked into the kitchen, a smile fixed on his face like normal. Usually, I'd have contented myself with it, but, looking deeper, his eyes... they just didn't seem to be smiling with him.

I threw on a smile of my own, just as fake as his appeared to be, and answered, "Good morning, Kenshin." For a split second, a look of dejectedness passed over his face before being cleverly covered up.

Setting the food down, Kenshin sat between me and Sano, and we all started eating. Breakfast passed quietly, our neighbors must have wondered if we went out of town. They were used to the yelling and screaming going on over here, so used to it, they knew when we went on vacation based on that.

Sano, after devouring his food, was the first to leave, with Yahiko close on his tail, mumbling something about 'things to do'. As soon as they were gone, I realized that Sano hadn't said a word to me the entire time he had been here this morning. Odd. He hadn't even said good-bye.

"Kenshin?"

"Yes, Kaoru-dono?"

"Does it bother you that I don't call you Kenshin-san?" A look of shock passed over his face at the question.

"I wouldn't expect anyone to call me that. I'm not worthy-"

"Don't give me that 'I'm not worthy' crap. Tell me. Honestly, Kenshin. Give me the truth." His violet eyes betray what he doesn't seem willing to.

"I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but sometimes it does." Kenshin lowered his eyes to the table and clasped his hands on his lap.

"What about it don't you like?"

"I... do you think lowly of me, Kaoru-dono?" Suddenly, it's perfectly clear.

"No, Kenshin. San." It's my turn to look at the table, studying the edge of it as though I've never seen it before. "Why... Why would I think poorly of you?"

"Because I'm the only person who's name you say without honorifics constantly. Do you realize, you've never called me by an honorific before now?"

"I've never done so.. because... there's so much distance there, Kenshin...san." Every time I say his name now, I can feel the stab of hurt rush through me. But then, I did ask. Am I willing to tell him everything I feel now? Am I willing to expose myself to him, all in one clean sweep? Would he understand? "I've never wanted that much distance between us." I add, giving him an easy opening to ask about the kind of closeness I want. But then, would I answer? Would I answer when answering could mean I could lose my best friend?

"I never realized." His whispered statement makes me realize something completely new. Kenshin, like I do, tries to figure out things the same way I do. He seems like he's been trying to find answers for what he doesn't understand much the same way I do. "Does it bother you that I call you Kaoru-dono?" Raising my eyes to look at him, and meeting his as he raises his head also, I nod to him.

Kenshin seems almost... confused. A state that doesn't seem completely normal for him. "What would you like me to call you?" His voice seems small, like he's worried about the answer.

"Just Kaoru."

A small smile, a real smile, shows on his face. "Okay then, Just Kaoru, would you like to continue calling me Kenshin? No honorific, no last names, nothing so detached and impersonal."

"Alright, Kenshin, as long as you don't call me 'Just Kaoru' again. Kaoru. Plain, old, boring Kaoru."

Shaking his head at me, his smile fades. "You aren't plain, old or boring at all, Kaoru-do... Kaoru."

"Kenshin, what am I to you?" Now or never, I just have to plunge myself in headfirst, don't I? Can't I occasionally think before I speak? Can't I ever think through my entire thoughts before I blurt it out and make a fool out of myself?

"You're my friend, Kaoru-d.." Catching himself, he smiles bashfully at me. "You're my best friend." Not quite the answer I wanted. I have to wonder if the disappointment shows on my face. "Was that not the answer you wanted, Kaoru-dono?" Apparently it does.

"I didn't want any particular answer. I just wanted the truth." I wonder if he can tell I'm lying through my teeth?

"Did you, now?" Silence descended over us for a few minutes, both of us lost in our own thoughts. "Did you enjoy your evening? Takashi seems to have." At the mention of the man who came to dinner last night, I stiffen in my spot.

"No, Kenshin. I haven't enjoyed time with any of the men who have tried to court me." Sighing, I decide to tell him part of the truth. "I'm not interested in any of them."

"I don't understand... If you aren't interested, why did you invite him for dinner?" You really are clueless sometimes, you know it, Kenshin? Why can't you see I want it to be you?

With the shock registering in his eyes, I realize I just said that aloud. My god, I just said that aloud. I just... I just... Jumping up from the table, knocking over my tea cup in the process, I run for the door, trying to escape him, trying to... trying to escape my own humiliation.

When I reach the door, I realize Kenshin, with his incredible speed, is already there, blocking my exit. "No, you don't, Kaoru." Unfortunately, I can't stop, and I run right into him. His arms come up and hold on to me, keeping me from falling.

"Kenshin, just let me go. Please let me go. I can't.. I don't.."

"No. Explain to me, Kaoru, what you mean by that. Don't lie, don't tell me half truths. Tell me all of it." The only thing I can do is look at him. I can't speak I can't do anything.

Damn it, Kenshin! "I don't want to tell you. Now you're going to leave, I just know it. I can't let you leave. I don't want you to go, you can't go, I just know you're going to though.You're going to leave now, aren't you?" I can't contain my tears, tears that are a product of both my grief and of my anger at myself.

"I'm not going to leave you." His arms drop away from me, releasing me, letting me go if I wanted to. But I don't move. "Now tell me, Kaoru. What do you mean?"

"I'm in love with you, Kenshin. I always have been." I stare at his chest, I can't look into his eyes. I can't see the rejection there. Not yet. "Don't tell me that I'm just a little girl, or that I don't know what love is."

"I wasn't going to." he raises his hands and rests one on my shoulder, and, with the second, cups my cheek in his palm. "I wouldn't tell you that, Kaoru. You're not a little girl anymore."

"Just tell me. Tell me you don't love me, don't care for me the same way that I care for you. But don't lead me on, Kenshin. Don't do that to me. Please don't." I close my eyes and steel myself for the worst, just waiting for that glancing blow to come. The blow that, while it won't take my life, it will take my heart. Do you realize that you could take my heart, break it, shatter it into a million pieces that easily?

Words never come from him, though. I open my eyes just in time to see his face scant inches from mine, and after a moment that seems to last an eternity, his lips press a light kiss to mine, then back away. "I do love you, Kaoru." I can hear him swallow. "I love you, but you need more than I can give, Kaoru. You need so much more." He pulls his face away and starts to move away from me.

"Kenshin, don't. Don't leave." I wrap my arms around him, pulling him back to me. I know that if he didn't want to be there, he wouldn't be. He's so much stronger than I am. "Don't you think that I should choose whether or not you have what I need? Don't you think that should be my choice?"

"I don't have anything to give you, Kaoru, except another mouth to feed."

"I care? I feed Yahiko and Sano, too, and I don't expect anything out of them, do I?" I know I'm hysterical, but I'm past the point of caring. And why should I? Kenshin's seen me at my worst, I don't think the panic etched into my soul is going to even faze him.

But then, maybe I'm wrong. "Don't cry, Kaoru. Oh, God, please don't cry..." I'm crying? I hadn't even realized. But then, I should have, the tears, warm at first, run cold over my chin, and I can taste the salt of one gone astray now. I didn't even notice, am I that far gone?

"Kenshin... I..." I don't even entirely know what to say right now. I know what I want, but I don't know how to put it into words. At least I still know his name. Ah, now the words form in my mind. Taking a deep breath, or the semblence of one, I look into Kenshin's eyes. "I don't need you to take care of me, I don't need to be coddled and pampered, I haven't been for years... why start now? I just need you. Can you give that to me? Can you give me the only thing I desire?"
Okay... Kenshin's POV next chapter... I've not written in first person for so long... my my my... I hope it worked okay... The inner workings of Kaoru's mind were too scary, so I had to abandon that ship and just imagine what she would be thinking under the circumstances... sorry if I made her depressing... she would be, I would think, under the circumstances.... I mean, if Kenshin were just beyond my grasp... I would be too!!!

Okay, now... Let me know if I should never write 1st person again, or if it was... decent... And any tips would be nice, but just telling me that my character was OOC, well.. it doesn't really help... 9 times out of 10, they're that way for a reason... that's why it's fanfiction, ne? ;) Anyhow, tips, like you should have done this differently or you overwrote this part... yeah, that helps... grinning at anyone who is still reading

Anyway... I'll probably have another chapter up soon.. but if I don't have it up by the 6th, it'll be quite a while before I post anything again.. I'm going to be away from the computer for two months... so I won't be able to update anything till june... sorry...
Love to all...
Alys