Author's Note: Thank you for the wonderful reviews! I am a Kagome/Inuyasha fan, and sometimes find it very hard to write Kikyou in a more human light. As I tell my daughter, Amanda-chan, it will be get lighter, but for now, we are just entering the storm.

Beware: This chapter gets pretty dark.

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha!

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Chapter Five: Inuyasha's Mind

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Kikyou's eyes narrowed as she watched him drop to the floor and lean against the wall. He did not look at her, but closed his eyes, and seemed to sleep. He looked tired. She knew he had been to see her again. She tried to prevent the anger and hurt she felt thinking of it. The heart she thought she had claimed was still divided.

She walked out into the night, from the temple to the river. She needed to think. She sought the serenity she usually had, trying not to let Inuyasha's actions divert her focus. She sat upon the bank, watching the water flow as if to wash away the doubt entering her mind.

Her plan would work. It was fool proof. If only that girl … her copy … would have stayed away. She shook her head. 'No, he went to her while she was gone as well.' She looked to the sky seeking answers. 'If only that girl, that Kagome would reject him. If I had known how he would act, I would have gotten rid of her sooner. It's too late now. The time draws near, and if the girl were gone, it would distract him even more. No, the girl has to stay alive.' Her lips twisted with the irony.

Inuyasha found her just before dawn, still sitting at the bank. Her Shini-dama-chuu youkai flowed about her. He looked away, not wanting to be reminded of how the woman remained in this world.

"Will you join me, Inuyasha?" Her voice came to him, soft and calm.

He walked forward, and sat close without not touching. He didn't want to have the same arguments they seemed to have on the subject, but he had to do something. He couldn't just stay in temples watching her work.

"Kikyou …" He began, not sure how to continue.

Not looking at him, she asked, "Do you love her?"

A flush covered his cheeks, and he looked away from her. "What are you talking about?" He asked angrily.

Now she looked at him, expressionless and steady. "You went to see her again."

With a bare nod, he replied, "I'm here with you. That will not change."

Watching his profile, she sat silent for a minute. "Can you love me, just a little?" Her plea was quiet, and soft.

He looked at her, taken aback. "Kikyou …" He pulled her close, into a hug, kneeling by her side. "Kikyou … I … have a bit more confidence in me." He closed his eyes, trying not to think of the other miko.

Held against his chest, her arms around his waist, Kikyou whispered, "If I had trusted you then, we would have been together, and our life would have been good." She sighed and pushed against his chest. He released her and sat watching her, her hand in his. She glance at him, and then back to the river. "This body is getting tired. I can feel my time growing short. It will be over soon, and we will all be at peace."

"Kikyou!" he cried. "Your body? Is there anything …" Her fingers on his lips stopped him from continuing.

"I've already died. I was brought back, and only live for a purpose. The purpose will be finished soon, and I'll return to my rest." Her eyes scanned his face, holding him transfixed. "We could never have had a life while I am in this body." She dropped her hand back to her lap, and turned her gaze back to the river. "I need you for awhile longer, Inuyasha. And then I'll release you from your promises to me."

"I will never let Naraku get his hands on you. I will see this through." He vowed again.

Kikyou smiled softly, watching the river as the sun rose. A chill wind blew, bringing clouds overhead. "It's going to rain." She rose, and looked down at the hanyou. "I need to go back, they'll be looking for me soon." Her hand rest briefly on his cheek. "Thank you Inuyasha." With that, she turned and walked back to the temple.

The afternoon brought the rain Kikyou predicted. In came down in a steady pour, drenching the temple grounds, giving the crops much sought after moisture. Inuyasha stayed out in the rain, preferring the wet to the smells of the temple, full of blood and gore.

He was up in a tree, looking out over the woods, thinking over what Kikyou had said that morning. He felt helpless, wanting to help her, not wanting her to go. At the same time, wanting to return to Kagome. His helplessness caused the anger simmering below the surface to boil. He would see this through knowing the end would mean Kikyou would be at peace at last. It was the least he could do.

Movement below caught his eye. He watched as even more wounded men were brought to the temple. His lip curled in a snarl. 'Weak humans, and their stupid wars. What do they fight about? Don't they know the more they make war the worse they make it for themselves?'

The additional injured meant Kikyou would be busy. They had moved to two different temples since he had joined her. He felt useless. There was nothing for him to do. She didn't need him to protect her from these weak humans. Even if she had said this would end soon, there had been no sign of Naraku. He growled in frustration. Jumping from the tree branch, he walked through the forest, not ready to return to the temple.

"Where do you think you're going?" A rough voice accosted him. Several harsh laughs accompanied the demand.

Inuyasha looked up; surprised he hadn't smelled nor heard the men, human soldiers from one army or another. His eyes narrowed. The man who spoke stood proudly in front of him, hands on hips, and a sneer on his face. "None of your business, human." He growled.

The soldiers ranged out loosely, forming a half circle around the hanyou. Several were grinning; believing there would be some sport before night fell.

The lead man pulled his sword. "I'm making it my business. Demons are not allowed to run freely through here, and I plan to stop you." Several other swords rasped against sheaths as they were pulled free. Raucous laughter rang out.

A large soldier grinned, seeing Inuyasha tense. He taunted, "Shitty youkai bastard. Fucking half-breed. Beg for your life, like the dog you are."

The control on his barely held in check anger, snapped. In a rush, Inuyasha attacked. Not bothering to pull out the Tetsusaiga, he swept his claws in a wide arc, catching the three men to his right, gashes opening along faces, chests, and abdomens. Whirling, he sprang to the other two to his left. He grabbed each head in his hands, and brought the skulls together with a loud crunch.

The lead man stood; all the others had fallen. Inuyasha snatched the man up in the air by his throat with one hand, while his other slashed the sword from the man's hands. He ground out the words, "Don't. Ever. Tell. Me. What. To. Do. Fucking. Human!" He flung the man away from him, allowing him to slam against a tree. The man stared, eyes going glassy with shock, as he slowly slid down the trunk.

Inuyasha felt good letting some of that anger go. He flexed his claws, and thought he needed another fight. He looked over the soldiers, making sure none posed a threat. His eyes widened at what he saw. The human carnage he'd left in the wake of his rage staggered him. Three soldiers lay mutilated, blood running freely. The two others lay where he'd dropped them, heads cracked open. The lead soldier lay slumped over, blood streaking the bark where he slid. The rain washed the blood in rivulets away from the man. He was dead.

Frightened by his loss of control, the smell of blood invading his senses, knowing he had just killed several humans, Inuyasha began to run. He had ran for what seemed hours, or possibly days. He watched the sun come up and go down. Finding a cave, he hid, not sleeping, hugging his knees in silence.

He growled and howled out his rage, his grief, his frustration, and the loss of something he wasn't aware he'd had. He kept seeing the man's eyes before his face. The shocked pain-laced eyes that filled him with the horror of the monster he had become. He felt his soul slowly slipping away. He lay for a countless time in the dark, not wanting to think, not wanting to remember.

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Kagome sat with her eyes closed in the field before the hut exercising her aura. She practiced it's flow, and strength. She sent a thread to Kaede who welcomed the touched. She could feel Shippou as he skipped through the forest to his new friend's home. She smiled, feeling the happiness surrounding the little kitsune.

Relaxing deeper into her meditation, she expanded her aura out even more. She skimmed the surface of several villagers working in the fields and going about their daily lives, and could sense travelers on the road. Deeper she pushed her focus, extending it out farther. She hesitated, a slight frown crossed her features. She recognized the aura of her friends, not far off, but far enough away for her hold to be intangible. What little she did pick up, the emotions were strong: fear, concern, and anger. With a start, she pulled back into herself, and jumped to her feet. The emotions she read centered on one being, Inuyasha.

Grabbing her bow, and quiver, she began to run quickly in the direction she felt the group traveled from, automatically shifting her aura into the protective shell she had begun to use since Sesshoumaru's visit. She tried to keep her mind clear, and her emotions in check.

Kouga's head went up, and he whipped it around. "Kagome." he whispered, just loud enough for Miroku to hear. He took off running in the direction the breeze blew her scent from, and was out of sight before the monk could ask.

Turning to the demon exterminator walking just behind him, he called out, "Kouga smells Kagome-sama's scent. We have to reach her before he says anything."

Sango nodded, and pulled Kirara down from her shoulder. "Kirara, we need a ride, and quickly." She asked the fire cat urgently. The two tailed cat youkai transformed, and sprang into the air as the pair jumped on her back.

They landed as Kouga reached Kagome. He had halted before her, clasping her hands in his, anger and regret flaming in his eyes. He opened his mouth when Sango called out, "Kouga-sama, let me speak with Kagome-chan."

The wolf prince looked at her and growled. "I can handle this Sango."

Kagome looked from her friends to Kouga, concern and worry plainly seen on her face. "Sango-chan? What has happened to ... to ... Inu yasha?" she pulled her hands from the wolf youkai's, and took a step towards her friend. Kouga put a hand on her shoulder. Kagome turned to look at him. "Kouga-kun, please." He dropped his hand, looking worried.

"Kagome." Sango called to her friend quietly. When the girl looked back at her, she said, "We need to talk. Can we take a walk?"

Swallowing hard against the sudden lump in her throat, Kagome could only nod. From the tone in Sango's voice, she had a feeling she didn't want to hear what the older girl had to say. She followed in silence, waiting for her to begin.

Halting a short distance from the others, Sango turned to her friend, pain and concern written on her face. "One of Kouga's tribes found something they believe Inuyasha did." Sango took a deep breath. "A group of soldiers were killed, brutally, with claws and ... strength not usually found in a human."

Kagome's eyes went wide, and she stifled a gasp behind her fist. "Wha .. what makes them think it was done by ... by Inuyasha?" Her mind reeled. She did not want to believe it.

Sango looked away from her, not liking to bring her more pain. "The place the men were killed wasn't too far from a temple where a miko matching Kikyou's description worked. And they confirmed she had a half-breed companion." She took Kagome's hand. "Kikyou was gone before we got there. There was no trace of either of them. The wolf tribe reported they believe Inuyasha is no longer with her."

'Inuyasha ... where are you? What have you done?' Kagome fought the tears building up behind her eyes, willing the pain to go away. She cried out, and clung to her friend. "How could he? What could have happened to him to cause him to do something like that? Did he transform again?"

Sango could only shake her head, holding her friend in her arms, letting her cry. No one had seen either a youkai matching Inuyasha's description, or the hanyou himself. They now had a cold trail, and Kouga wasn't happy.

As Kouga watched the girls, his expression became dark. He began to curse out loud. Miroku looked away from the two, and watched the wolf youkai. He reached out a hand towards him, but Kouga spun away. "Don't fucking touch me! That bastard has done it again, and this time I'm going to kill him. There's no way I'm going to let him get away with doing this."

"Kouga-sama, your feelings will not help Kagome-sama right now. She needs our support, and should not have to listen to you spout obscenities."

The wolf youkai glared at Miroku, but stopped his tirade. His thoughts still ugly, he turned back to the girl. "Sango, can you carry her on Kirara back to the hut? We'll follow on foot."

Sango nodded, and helped Kagome settle on the fire cat, before climbing up behind her and wrapping her arms around her for support. Her own thoughts carefully shielded from the girl in her arms. The scene described was brutal, and monstrous. Not wanting to think otherwise, wanting to believe it had been an accident, self-defense, anything but deliberate contempt for human life.

By the time Kouga and Miroku arrived at the hut, Kagome seemed to return to her normal self. Miroku noticed her aura had stabilized from the wild fluctuations it showed when she first received the news. None of her companions broached the subject again, and she continued working and practicing for the rest of the day. The monk watched, and waited for any sign of a breakdown.

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Slowly, days or weeks he wasn't sure, a glimmer of light entered his life. It came on a faint summer breeze. Gentle and subtle, it made its way into his mind, surrounding him with sunshine, and a happy memory. Allowing himself to cling to that memory, he began to climb up out of the pit he found himself in.

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He and Kagome had been searching for shards several days from the village. It was one of the few short days before they had met Miroku, Sango, or even Shippou. He had recently fought his half brother for Tetsusaiga and felt smug, a little cocky at his abilities. Kagome had insisted on stopping for a rest and something to eat. She laid her blanket over the grass, and took out several food items from her time. He was mad and impatient. He hadn't wanted to stop and resented the time she wasted.

"Come on Inuyasha. Join me for lunch!" Her sweet voice called out to him.

He turned from her, ignoring her cajoling. Sitting on a rock several feet from her, not wanting to admit he needed her, or wanted to eat, he kept trying to hold onto his resentment.

"Here." She said quietly. He turned, ready to snap her head off for disturbing him. He stopped. His eyes went wide, and he felt he couldn't breath. Kagome was standing next to him, smiling brightly with a bag of chips, the kind he liked, and a bottle of water in her hands. She must have been picking flowers, for she had several in a little ring around her head and one stuck in the tie on her uniform. The warm summer breeze blowing from behind her invaded his senses, mixing her scent with the flowers.

Closing his mouth, he took the food she offered. She gave him another smile, and turning, she fairly danced back to her blanket, and began to pack things back in her bag. Inuyasha watched her, his expression softening, not quite willing to risk thinking more than how sweet the breeze had been.

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Leaving the cave, he fell into the first waterhole he found. He scrubbed the grime from his body, from his clothes, from his hair. For a long time, he stood in the pool, staring at his claws as if he'd never seen them before. He climbed from the water to lay upon the bank, naked on the grass, letting the summer sun warm him, dry him.

He looked up at the sky, reveling in its openness. He felt like he'd never seen how blue it was before, and was awed with the wonder of it. His senses seemed to have come alive again. His heart and soul were raw with the emotional overload; his mind curiously blank. He didn't want to think on what had happened, not yet. He allowed his mind to dwell on the saving memory, and drew strength from similar ones. Times remembered of days sitting around the campfire, talking, teasing, arguing, and planning. Images flashed quickly through his mind; the dangers, the fights, the laughter, the friendship and the … love. Throughout all these images, one face, one presence was constant; Kagome.

Making up his mind, knowing now what he had to do, he dressed. He still believed he owed Kikyou, and he would protect her, but he felt as though he come out of a long sleep, and realizing his mistake in pushing her away, he wanted to only to be with Kagome.

The sun was setting as he began the long trek to find the girl who held his heart, and saved his sanity.

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Kouga found her as the afternoon faded sitting on the lip of the old well in the forest clearing. It had been a couple of days since their return, and while Kagome acted like her normal self, there was a distance inside her no one could reach. He approached her quietly, watching her stare at the sky. Her eyes had flicked in his direction, and he knew she was aware of his presence. For now, he would be patient and wait for her.

Drawing her eyes from the sunset, she turned to the wolf youkai sitting next to her. "Kouga-kun? Is there something ...?" While her lips held a small smile, her eyes held sadness and pain.

He stared at her face, wishing he could hold her, make her see how much he cared. Looking away from her, he started "I know how much pain the latest news has caused you. I am sorry." His jaw worked to keep words he wanted to say from being released.

Kagome touched his hand. "Thank you. Without all of my friends' support, I don't know what I would have done ... and not just these past few days." She sighed and looked away, back to the fading rays of sunlight. "I really miss him you know." Tears sparkled in her eyes.

In a pained voice, Kouga said, "Kagome ... I don't want to hear it. I don't want you to miss him." He struggled to not say his thoughts and began to loose ground. "You telling me things like that .. it makes me mad, and I want to kill him more for what he's done to you." He slammed his fist against the lip of the well, and Kagome jumped.

"Kouga-kun ..." She began softly to placate. "I ... I am aware that you have feelings for me, but I cannot ..." she looked down at her lap. Her tears began to fall slowly sliding down her cheeks. "Yours is an unrequited love. I cannot return what I have already given away." She finished in a low voice.

Kouga jumped to his feet and began pacing in front of her, anger bristling about him. "HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! DAMMIT Kagome! He left you to go to that ... that fucking corpse and you sit there and say you still love him??"

Not looking up, letting the tears continue to fall, she nodded.

He stopped and dropped to his knees in front of her, anger washing away. He tenderly brushed away her tears with one hand and stroked her cheek. His other hand held hers, intertwining his fingers with hers on her lap. "I have one question for you, Kagome, and then I will never bother you again."

She touched his face softly, and asked, "What is it?"

He closed his eyes for a brief moment, and opening them, he stared into her eyes intently. "If there comes a time he is no longer in this world, would you consider me with tender feelings?"

She dropped his gaze, and looked at their interlocked hands. She gave it a gentle squeeze before replying. "Kouga-kun, I have tender feelings for you as a friend. If there were ever a time when Inuyasha is ... is no longer around," She brought her eyes back to his, "Not a day would pass, that I would not think of him."

The wolf prince sighed, his shoulders drooped. He looked away, and asked resignedly, "So there is no hope then?"

Kagome shook her head, not wanting to speak.

Releasing her hand, he rose. He began to walk slowly away, but stopped to say, "I need to go away for awhile. Tell Miroku and Sango if I hear anything, I'll send for them." He continue to walk, but turned briefly, outlined with the red tinge of the dying sun as the dark shadows began to lengthen a cross the clearing. "Take care, Kagome." He said softly before running from the clearing.

Kagome followed his aura as far as she could, unhappy with having to say what she did. She felt she could do no less for him, and hoped he would find another in time.

It was dark, and the shadows lay thick amongst the trees. The moon hadn't risen and Kagome was still sitting on the well when she felt it. Inuyasha's aura. Very faint at first, but it grew stronger as he drew nearer. Her eyes grew wide, and her heart began to beat painfully. 'He was here? Why?' She began to walk in the direction he was coming from.

Soft and gentle her aura beckoned him. He could feel her coming closer and dropped from the tree he was currently in. He scanned the trees, trying to see her. His heart thumped in his chest, and he fought the urge to run away. After all, it was her he'd come to see.

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